From the Post-Gazette.com On Bonding
Monday, March 13, 2000
Children returned to birth parents face difficult, but workable, adjustment
By Barbara White Stack, Post-Gazette Staff Writer
When Georgetta Fears got her daughter back from foster care, she sometimes felt like she was baby-sitting someone else's child.
Georgette Fears kisses her 18-month-old son, Quante Fears-Fearbry, at their home in Duquesne. Quante, who went directly into foster care after his birth, was reunited with his mother in the fall. (Martha Rial, Post-Gazette)She didn't know this little girl to whom she'd given birth 15 months before. She had no idea what foods October Parish loved and which she'd spit out, if the Itsy Bitsy Spider song was her favorite or if she preferred the Barney tune.
And October didn't make it easy. Standoffish sometimes, aggressive others, she missed her foster parents whom she'd come to regard as Mommy and Daddy during the 11 months she spent with them.
That same difficult adjustment between parent and child is faced by Amanda Kolle of Carnegie when she gets back her 23-month-old son, and by Alphonso Andrews of Johnstown, when he finally gets custody of his 4-year-old daughter. Both recently won custody of their children after protracted court fights with prospective adoptive parents.
Uprooting children from bonded relationships and moving them to parents who are strangers or virtually so is traumatic for everyone involved. Children don't care about biological, official or legal titles. Mommy is the one who always comforts you when you cry and never forgets the special blanket. Daddy is the one who lets you splash in the tub and sings your nighttime lullaby.
When that "Mommy" and "Daddy" disappear, the child mourns their loss. When someone else tries to fulfill those roles, the child is likely to be distant, defiant, depressed or just plain difficult.
Yet, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, tens of thousands of children across the United States experience just this sort of move every year as they are taken from abusive or neglectful parents and placed in foster care or returned from foster care to reformed parents. And many of them recover.
"Fortunately, children are more resilient than we like to believe," said Neil Rosenblum a clinical psychologist who has served as a consultant on these kinds of cases for Allegheny County's Office of Children, Youth and Families for 20 years.
"Children have an amazing ability to rebound."
Among recent cases in which custody has been taken away from longtime caregivers is that of a 7-year-old moved last week after 21/2 years with a foster father who impregnated his own 12-year-old daughter. She faces an especially difficult transition because she's had numerous sets of parents. She has lived in her short life with her mother, father, an uncle and at least one other foster family.
That, say Rosenblum and Emie Tittnich, a longtime child development specialist with the University of Pittsburgh, is way too many Mommies and Daddies.
Working in the girl's favor is that the judge moved her to someone she knows, so she will be more comfortable than with a stranger. And CYF will arrange for her to visit with an adoptive family before she moves there.
Unfortunately for Kolle and her son, William Christopher Kolle, there have been no visits. Kolle hasn't seen William since he was 5 months old. That's when a family friend, who was caring for him while Kolle received treatment for depression, gave him away for adoption without Kolle's knowledge or permission.
State Superior Court ruled last week that the Beaver County couple who tried to adopt him had no right to him. But now he and his mother are strangers, partly because the couple refused to let Kolle visit him and partly because a Beaver County judge refused to order visits.
Andrews and his daughter are in better shape because they've visited twice a month since she was about 9 months old. Genesis of Pittsburgh gave Andrews' daughter to a Forest Hills couple to adopt without getting Andrews' permission. He immediately sought custody and, although the trial judge did not grant it, he did give Andrews visits.
In November, the state Supreme Court ruled in Andrews' favor, and now the trial judge is trying to figure out how to move the girl to her father while causing the least trauma.
Georgetta Fears voluntarily gave up custody of her daughter, October, after delivering her while still a 17-year-old foster child herself. Then Fears, with CYF's help, began to build a stable enough life to get the baby back. The transition hasn't been easy, and she has some words of advice for parents and children trying to re-establish bonds. "It's not like a refund you can get back anytime," she said. "It takes time and work."
What's best for a child, Tittnich said, is to form an attachment to one set of caregivers, usually a mother and a father, and remain with them throughout the formative years. "Any deviation from that," she said, "sets up potential risk factors for the child."
For William Christopher Kolle, getting a new mother after 18 months with one set of parents, Tittnich said, "would be like losing a spouse and someone bringing in a substitute who you do not know. As adults, we would not like it. We would mourn the loss and we would be slow to warm up to the new person."
For the 4-year-old who will move from a Forest Hills couple to Andrews, whom she has visited in Johnstown, Tittnich said, "it would be like going to live with your aunt if your parents died. It is someone you know, but it is someone with whom you do not have the same relationship."
Those two children face some risk of long-term emotional damage because of the change. But, Tittnich said, if the moves mean one or two risk factors for them, the 7-year-old, who has had five different sets of parents, faces 100. "I would be real concerned about her. That is not a good situation."
Each move makes it more difficult for a child to bond with the next set of parents. Some suffer attachment disorder. They don't seem to care deeply about anyone. They won't give a hug no matter what. Or they seem affectionate to anyone.
A child moved for the first time, especially a 2- or 4-year-old who can't express himself that well, often will respond with protest behavior, Tittnich said. "They don't understand why these things have happened to them, so they tend to take it personally and act out."
They also may regress. A 3-year-old may need to be potty trained all over again. A 5-year-old may throw himself or herself on the floor, kicking and screaming like a preverbal 2-year-old. Although this can be annoying and confusing for the new parent, Rosenblum said it also gives them a chance to experience with their children these developmental periods that they have missed.
Rosenblum and Tittnich said frequent visits between the child and the new parent before the move can significantly ease the transition. The child becomes familiar with the new faces, the new ways of doing things.
The move and the reason for it should be explained to the child, Tittnich said. Even at 2, she said, children understand a lot more than they can say.
It is important to tell the child that adults are responsible for him being moved and that he did nothing wrong, Tittnich said. He should be told that the first set of parents do not love him any less, and after the move, it would be good if they could visit.
Visits, of course, would require cooperation between the two sets of parents. That is difficult if there is tension between them, as there is between Kolle and Andrews and the families who have their children. But, Tittnich and Rosenblum said, cooperation is essential for the child's well-being.
Besides visits, they suggested pictures of the birth parents be given to the child until the move and pictures of the first parents be given to him after the move. Favorite toys and security objects should be sent, plus a description of the daily routine.
Rosenblum suggested an intermediary might help in such tense situations. He said the new parents should seek help from therapists.
Fears did not get cooperation from October's foster parents. In fact, she says, the relationship deteriorated so badly that a judge ordered them not to have any contact with Fears or the baby.
Fears is now 22 and has three children. Her second child, Zavier Fears, 3, was born just before October returned home. She never lost custody of him. But she did her third child, Quante Fears-Fearbry, 18 months. He was born three months premature and suffered various impairments.
Fears was working and had two other small children, so CYF put the medically fragile baby in foster care until it felt Fears was trained and ready to take him. She got him back when he was 10 months old.
She said his return was not as difficult as October's because he was younger and had seen her three times a week. She had only gotten one visit a week with October.
Even now, after October has been home for more than two years, Fears said, "Sometimes I feel like she doesn't think I am her mother."
It may just take more time. Rosenblum has seen lots of successes: "It is amazing what children can do if they are given positive emotional support and consistency and a chance to develop a sense of self-esteem and competency."
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