A bit about me
I first started trying to fall pregnant when I was 21 years (1989) nothing happened, I had all the preliminary tests done and came back normal, I was ovualting etc and the next step was a laporoscopy which I had done when I was about 24 years (1992).This showed that I had two blocked tubes and my chances of falling pregnant naturally was about 1-2 %.
I didn't start IVF till late 1997 when I was 29 years,my first attempt was cancelled after I hyperstimulated and the second time I got as far as doing an egg retrieval but none of my 24 eggs fertilised and I was rushed to hospital because of complications which also resulted in a growth on one of my ovaries which required surgery which I had in 2000.
This is when we stopped IVF and decided to live childfree.

My Journey to a childfree life

After years of trying to fall pregnant naturally then two failed IVF attempts my husband and I decided to live "childfree".
This is my story.

I used to envy everyone that had a baby or at least was able to conceive, I thought having a baby would just make my life perfect,
I already had a wonderful husband, a nice house, a new car, a job etc all I needed (so I thought) was a baby then I would have everything and life
would be just great.I had visions of a cute, sweet smelling, smiling, happy baby, the sun would always be shining, I would be calm, serene and stress free, we would be the
perfect family......

I held onto that dream with a vice like grip! I was determined to have it, at all costs! I didn't get "the dream" though, we spent a lot of money trying to achieve it, we were unhappy at the
way things were progressing with the treatments and I became rather sick (after an egg pick up) and was hospitalised, and I was very stressed which only confirmed my thoughts of "if only I had that baby
then I would be happy, calm and that sun would be shining, dammit!"
After we decided that we would stop treatments I thought I would be relieved and I was to an extent but when that feeling wore off I was back to being miserable and being envious, I couldn't look at a
baby without feeling resentful of the fact that it wasn't me with that baby, I avoided everyone that had a child or was going to have one and never mentioned babies in any way shape or form.
I thought I was coping and dealing with it just fine but I now know I wasn't, I was just so miserable all the time, nothing really made me happy ever, I was just so angry at everyone, my friends, life, the Doctors etc.
It took me a long time (about 3 years from the time I started IVF) to get past all those feelings and it was really hard, I always felt so alone and that no one really understood me or what I was going through.
I felt I didn't deserve to be happy for some insane reason, that I had to be unhappy because what did I have to be happy about? Lots!! I have a wonderful, supportive husband, three cats and a dog (who are my babies), a great house, a nice car, I have been on some fantasticholidays, I have made some wonderful friends that I met through my infertility journey and really helped make a difference
in my life, I'm healthy, etc etc, there are so many things, I had just forgotten them. I will always miss the fact that I was never able to bear and raise a child of my own and I don't think you
ever really "get over it" but I have learnt to value and appreciate the things I do have and not to waste (at least not waste too much time) time being miserable over the things I don't have and really have no control over.

I can't change the fact that I am "infertile" but I can change how I look at and live my life.
I still avoid people to a degree with babies/children especially those who talk about nothing else, as I really have nothing in common with them, but I am not resentful or angry at them anymore.
I still occasionally get hurt by insensitive comments made by those who have never been through the infertility journey but it doesn't hurt as bad and not as often, the pain never goes away but it does get less but it does take time.
My friends are envious at my life and I used to be envious of theirs now I know my life isn't better or worse for not being able to have a baby, my life is just different.

It's funny because I wrote this quite a few years ago now, I have come such a long way since then.
I have to say that I really am happy with my life the way it is and have moved on so much that I really don't even want a child of my own anymore (partly because of my age, partly because I am so used to this way of life now).Sounds very strange to me to say that out loud especially since I never thought I would say it .

I was childfree intially by circumstance but now by choice.

AN UPDATE
I just wanted to add that all because I was not CF intially by choice that doesn't mean I don't support CF by choice, in fact I do and very much so!
I am very pro choice and wholeheartedly encourage women to think about life's choice's and I support a woman's choice not to have children.
Of course if you think being a mother is what you want in life, by all means do it, if no-one had kids we would become extinct.
I am not a real "kiddie" type of person anyway but yes I did want "a" child of my own, mainly I think because it was "expected" of me and partly I think because of my own unhappy childhood and yes partly because I did want to know what "it" was like.
I thought by having a child (in particular a girl) I could somehow heal my past by giving her all I did not have, obviously hardly a good reason to have a child I know.
My heart aches for the child I will never have but at the same time I am happy with my life the way it now is.I realize all I have written is very contradictory but it is what it is.Maybe I feel this way because I have really moved on with my life.
I have a special relationship with one of my niece's whom I adore immensely but I am very happy to get back to my quiet and peaceful house at the end of the day I can tell you lol!!!!

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