Our Story

Surrounded by my family and friends on October 22, 1999. I listened as my sister read the letter I wrote to my baby, who just days before was cooing, smiling, and full of life. I felt a desperate need for everyone to know Brennen as I did; What he did for me, and what he meant to me. I couldn't let the day end without everyone knowing him.

As the graveside service ended, I too felt as though I somehow ended. The life I envisioned and dreamed about was somehow gone ~ in an instant, all I knew to be true was gone. I don't just mean my baby, but also how I looked at life period. Yes, a part of me died with Brennen but also a part of me was reborn-for the better. Gary Zukav, author of Soul Stories says" There are no tragedies in life"- I, too, truly believe that. Our souls are connected in a way that we do not understand as earthly beings. Brennen's purpose in life was to change so many souls for the better, and to bring us all closer to God and the true meaning of life. Brennen could not have done this if he were still living as a healthy baby - I had to go through this experience in order for my life to change. Brennen and I have a strong spiritual connection - He fulfilled his purpose in life in only 4 short months - Something that usually takes most of us a life time to complete.

Although Brennen was my baby here on earth - He is a great spiritual being in Heaven - Farther along on his spiritual growth than I can imagine. I now live each day as if there are no tomorrows. I fill my life now with a spiritual connection to God who has sustained me beyond belief. I now know that bad things don't just happen to others, but they happen to me also. I no longer live in a cloud. I live with an awareness to everything in life and what truly is important. The greatest awareness you can achieve is letting go - knowing that God is in control - I am not - and knowing that you are here for a purpose - everything happens for a reason - it is how you chose to handle that experience and what you take from it - all things are spiritual growth.

I would like to share my experience on how I felt when I lost my baby - Hopefully, this will help others who are experiencing the same thing to know that it is horrible at first but time does help.

Grief is a personal journey - although we may have things in common - we all have to experience our own "story."

On October 14, 1999, Brennen and I went about our day as usual, but on this day we were headed for the grocery store because he was now 4 months old - ready to start rice cereal. This was a special day for me and Brennen - a milestone for him - his first table food! After enjoying his first taste of rice cereal Brennen became very cranky. Crying as if he was in pain.

I called my husband to set up a doctor appointment for us, because I knew something was wrong. Before I hung up, Brennen's crying became like a little scream and he looked flushed. I became so frightened that I called 911 and while on the phone to them he stopped breathing completely. As I tried to give him CPR I felt my world stop around me.

It felt like an eternity until the paramedics arrived. The next thing I knew I was riding in an ambulance watching my beautiful baby fighting for his life. The ambulance ride seem to go so slow as I rode in the front seat (my mind was in a panic mode), I never felt so alone in my life. The fear that I most dreaded was actually happening to me. How could this be? These things only happen to other people!

Over the next few days he got better but then eventually succumbed to all the stress his little body went through. As I held Brennen in the little hospital room surrounded by family , I watched his spirit leave his body as he took his last breath. God was surely there because a peace like I have never known before drifted in the room to engulf everyone there.

I am not going to say that it has been easy but I can promise you when you reach out to God he will be there. I know the first 3 months I was in a state of shock and I became depressed. Imagine running the images of your baby on your living room floor not breathing over and over again. Or, the image that I have the hardest time with is hours before he died he woke up and seemed to be doing much better. He saw me and heard my voice and struggled to lift himself towards me, but the nurse said he had to stay where he was. I just wanted to hold him, comfort him, feed him - he needed me most. I feel as though he gave up after that - he didn't understand why I didn't hold him.

That night, after I left the hospital, I saw a fuzzy outline of Brennen come into my head - then my body became weak - a flash of light shot through my body - a feeling that I instantly knew was Brennen telling me everything was okay.

However, as I put things in to perspective I know Brennen came for a reason - a big part of God's plan for me and him. Although, at the time, I may not have understood everything I was going through - I had to experience this for me to become the person I was meant to be. Life is full of lessons that allows your spirit to grow. I will always be Brennen's mommy and I will be with him in eternity where it really counts.