diary_2004

Diary Archives - 2004

January 1st, 2004

2004 Resolutions (the ones I will keep)

Keep my no-sex relationship promise to myself.
How am I going to do this?

     1. If I happen to find a guy worth having a relationship with, I will go on dates, but only with other people around              or in a group setting (i.e. party).
     2. Meditate before/during/after a date to keep a solid mind.
     3. Talk to people who have experience with celibacy � yes priests! Don�t worry guys; I�m not going to be a shrew           forever, just till marriage.
     4. Find a group of people who will support me in my journey.
     5. Post something big in my room where I�ll see it every day to remind myself of why I am doing this. Carry a 3x5            card in my purse telling the same.

Why am I doing this? Spiritual and mental strengthening.

Exercising for at least an hour every day doing what I love: dancing. It�s the only way I�ll keep my resolution: I go to a great college with a great student Activities Center. It's equipped with a pool, dance rooms, a work-out gym and showers!

Volunteer one day a week at Ronald McDonald House I just have to get my ass in gear and find someone to help me fill otu the paperwork so that I can take it down there.

January 6, 2004

Yesterday I started school. My math class was so terribly stressful. It is the first time I�ve been in a math class after my vision loss. I also had to take two placement tests. One of them was for the class and one was for the government. The thing is I can�t remember any of what I learned in elementary school so I had to start at the VERY bottom with math. Oh well.
     My Literature class was certainly interesting. I was surprised to see a collage of people as they walked into the room. It wasn�t at all what I was expecting, but then having your expectations blown away is a good thing almost always. The professor wasn�t what I was hoping for at first glance; hopefully that will change. I also hope the fact that it felt to me like I was being treated as a lesser changes. I can�t stand that from another person and certainly not from a professor. Other than that, the material we talked about�just the first few lines in Genesis was very intriguing. I felt like DW40 had been sprayed on my wheels and cogs. It made me feel human again.
     As for my Tango class: no one showed. That disappointed me greatly because I had spent so much time in the city for nothing. There wasn�t even a sign posted saying whether the class had been moved or canceled.
     I did find the Student activities Center though � yay! There�s a dance room there that is quite large and when I went in after a class had just finished, I met this really nice guy. He and I talked for a little while until he got up to leave. It was a boxing class that had just ended and he said that I should come. I think I just might. It would give me something to do during the time before my Tango class and it�s free, and he�s in it. :oP
     It�s too bad today it had to snow. It�s been the one time the forecasters have been right all week, and the one time we all said to hell with them. I had a little bit of fun watching articulated busses twist and get stuck coming down the hill toward my bus stop. When finally my bus was able to make it down the hill after two other busses getting stuck, I met a lot of people who were headed back home from work at 9 this morning because there was a whole lot of snow and ice on the roads downtown. Hopefully there�s school tomorrow�but if it doesn�t warm up I doubt there will be.
     During my day I think I went to McDonald�s twice, once for breakfast and once for lunch. During breakfast one of the male workers walked up to me and we struck up a conversation. I told him I was taking Tango and he said if I ever needed a dance partner to come hollering. At lunch we said hello again and then one of the other male workers came up, one whom I�ve been talking with for a couple of weeks, and he and I talked about a housing offer he gave me. He manages several houses for students in the U-District and offered me a room. I asked how big it was and if I could fit my comfy queen-sized bed in it and he said definitely. So I said if it works out, I�ll definitely be coming to move in at the beginning of March. My parents and I are going to go make for absolute sure that it�s an okay place before I move in though. Still, I�m happy if it works out. I�ll have a place to stay, and close to Seattle but not so far away that it drives my family nuts.

January 10, 2004

Lalala. It�s only Saturday but I�m ready to go back to school. It provides me with something to keep my mind and body stimulated and active. Mostly this desire stems from a shitty dream I woke up from this morning. I do not understand why my dreams affect my day so immensely. When it�s a good dream, I have an absolutely positive outlook on the day and stress seems to glide off of my shoulders. When I have a bad dream I can�t explain the depression away. These dreams have been plaguing me for a while now, and sometimes so frequent I�d rather not go to sleep for fear of them. Such is the case of today.
I�ve been moping all day because of the image of my x coming for a booty call basically and then sitting on my bed looking at me like he was horribly bored. I looked at him and said, �What�s wrong?� He didn�t answer. Then I said, �Well you look really bored. I�ll tell you what, I am going to take a shower and you can either leave or stay.� So I went into my bathroom to take a shower and as I was just getting into the tub I heard the front door open and then close. I immediately knew that he was leaving but still hopped out of the tub and put my robe back on and hurried down the hall and down the stairs to the front door where I could see through the window that he was pulling out of my driveway. After a moment of utter madness in my dream, I ran outside and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed with anger and frustration and in front of my Dad who happened to be working around the yard. I woke up then.
What makes dreams such as these so intense is that I actually feel the anger and frustration in the dream. It's not a distant thing separated by conscience and sub-conscience, it feels real. The emotion of these dreams is what carries through my day. It sucks.

Writing this all down has made me think about my x, and if this is how I made him feel sometimes because of my depression.
Another wonder of mine is if anyone else who�s ever had a break-up has had dreams similar to this one.

On the flipside, two other reasons that I am anxious to be getting back to school is that I've been able to excersize every day this week for an hour at minimum. Secondly, there's this guy I've been eyeing - and he's been eyeing me back - since Monday and we finally said hello on Friday. He seems nice, and he invited me for lunch next week - except I'm broke. Haha. I thought about the prospect of a relationship again (this was before my dream) and I had an anxiety attack. I think I'd rather have a friendship right now.

January 14, 2004

     Ah life is good and stressful, and I mean them to be separate. I�m in a good place right now: I�ve begun to learn how to be self-motivated rather than dependant on the inspiration from others to be my source of coal. I realized it a few days ago when I was staring in one of the mirrors making sure my hair was just right in the women�s locker room of the Student Activities Center at my school. I smiled. I saw that here I was at eight o�clock in the morning just finishing an energized hour of exercise initiated completely by myself. I�m not taking a P.E. class. A year ago I would have had to take an aerobics class or P.E. class to even have an inkling of motivation.   This is a wonderful thing: it is something I have been struggling with for the past three years. I told you I�d keep my resolution!
     I started my math class yesterday. This is the stress point in my life at the moment. I haven�t taken a math class since I was in my junior year of high school. That was about four years ago, and just about the time I started losing my vision. It�s stressful simply because I�m having to find new ways to do it in class. I have talked to my vocational counselor and was relieved to know that I�ll be getting a laptop to help me in math. How will it help? I can scan my assignments into the laptop and read them with Adobe Acrobat or Word. Both have magnification possibilities. This way I can stay in class and still participate without missing out because I can�t see the problems. As far as right now goes, I am getting by the best I can with help from my teacher and classmates. I will say one thing that will make life a little easier, and already has, the atmosphere in this class that I am in is not so competitive as was in high school. It makes it much more enjoyable and not so much you�re going to feel stupid if you don�t get this the first time.
     Monday was my first Tango lesson. Though we didn�t do much but walk around the room as leaders and followers to the beat of the music, I enjoyed myself immensely. I can�t wait two weeks for the next class! As soon as I can find a date (i.e. someone who�s willing) I am going to high tail it to this little bar & grill in Seattle on some Friday night when they have a M�lange   (it�s not called a Tango). I don�t want to dance just yet: I just want to watch. What is exciting though is that for our final we are going to be going out to a M�lange and dancing with everyone else to prove our skills. I am going to have to try and fine something ravishing to wear!

January 26, 2004

I�m so tired of the old-fashioned saying, �don�t go looking for love because you won�t find it. In lieu, if you just lay back and wait, love will find you.� I am at a school where I know no one and waiting around doesn�t seem to be working out so well. I decided to take matters into my own hands and make a goal to say hello to at least one new person a day. Today I said hello to this guy in my Tango class and was in the middle of asking him out when the teacher started talking. She continued talking all the way through to the end of class. So, when I went to grab my notepad to scribble my number down for him, as I walked towards him, he walked out the door. It was very disappointing. I mulled over it for a while, cried myself to sleep and the next morning I woke up in a better mood, for a moment. I decided, at least on the issue of that one guy, that he probably wasn�t a good match anyway. There was another issue in play but I have decided not to talk about him anymore, at least not here.

So there we go, disappointment #1 out of the way, now on to bigger and better fish.

January 30, 2004

Oohlala! Today I went out and bought my dress for the final in my Tango class. We will get to go out to a Milonga and strut our stuff in March as our final. I have been eyeing this dress for a week and finally had some money to get it. The shoes I have on are not the shoes that I�ll be dancing in. I have to get those in March because they cost quite a bit: more than I can afford at this point. The shoes I am wearing in the picture are simply there so that my feet would not be naked. Yes, I know my smile looks goofy, but my Dad was taking the picture so something like that has to be expected.

So then, it is the end of the first month of the year. It�s time for an update on my New Year�s Resolution. Well, I haven�t had any luck dumb or otherwise that might bring me a nice guy, so obviously I haven�t been having any temptations whatsoever to be having sex. As for exercising, eat this: I�ve been going Monday through Friday for an hour every day since January 5th, when school started. For that hour I stretch and then dance. I have lost about six pounds doing that. I think I am going to start some kind of diet to lose a little bit more for the final Milonga for my Tango class. I don�t know how I�ll do that. Shamefully, I have not started volunteering yet. I think I have the application somewhere in my house. I will look for it after I clean up the kitchen tonight and fill it out tomorrow after I get home from helping my friend pack for moving. If I don�t have the application, I will send for another one. I think I�m doing alright for myself.

February 2, 2004

Well today I had a meeting with my psychologist. That went wonderfully. I finally asked for some real help. I felt like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager, who is a Borg (if you�re not a Trekie, e-mail me and I�ll explain this reference) getting social etiquette lessons from the Doctor. I told my psychologist that I would like to know how to meet people without spooking them. �For example� I told him, �there is a girl that I�ve been talking to before class now for the past few days. I would like to hang out with her but I know that there�s something not quite right about just handing her my phone number and telling her to give me a call.� He replied by saying something like, �right, you would spook her.� I nodded my head in agreement and added, �but the problem is I don�t know how to go about meeting her without spooking her.� So we talked about that situation and what I can do, and also about the guy who ran away from me last week.

So, I had Tango tonight and I saw the guy who ran away from me last week and was his partner. I didn�t feel that it was the right time to try what my psychologist and I had talked about earlier. I wanted to let this guy know that I wasn�t trying to leap on him. I did find out what his name was however. I talked with several other people in class and then after class on the way to the bus I talked with someone from class, who I had met last week. When I got on the bus, I ran into yet another person. We talked for a little bit and she told me about a new YWCA that just opened up. She said I might be able to inquire about housing opportunities through them. There�s a plus! So, f learned quite a bit this first day of the week.

February 14th, 2002

     No man this year to celebrate with. That�s okay I think I�d rather hate Valentine�s Day anyway. I have heard of this poll done by a local radio station that claims that at least sixty-four percent of people have bitter feelings towards the commercial holiday. I figure I�m okay in my despise.
In lieu of a man, I took my girlfriend out to see a wonderful play called the Vagina Monologues. All I can say is wow. The two of us had so much fun, through the humor and the serious points and we came out spouting pleasure noises and laughing all the way to the bus stop. I think I lost some inhibitions there.
     After I came back home from the play I hopped online and talked with my boyfriend. He�s a bit of a ways from me so of course he couldn�t be here. It�s a good thing: I need to get rid of fuzzy commercial ideals.
     And no, I�m not becoming a bitchy bitter person, I�m just realizing how irritating it is to shove love � fake love even � in EVERYONE�S faces.

February 18, 2004

     So, last night I talked with my boyfriend and straightened a few things out, for my own sanity. Since he lives so far away we�re keeping open minds. If anyone should catch my eye for example, I will pursue a relationship, and the same goes for my boyfriend. It would be silly to say no to someone within arms� length for someone far from reach. I can�t take too much heartbreak in such a short period of time. For right now my �for rent� sign is in my pocket though. I�m content with where I am and whom I am with.   Finally.
     So, he's sweet, he's sexy and most importantly, he doesn't mind dancing!

February 20, 2004

Breasts:

There is a huge gap between my mother's ideals and my own. I don't get it: she's a product of society.
     This morning I put on a shirt and pants so that I could clean. When I walked out into the kitchen to ask where a spounge was she looked at me and said,
     "you're too big to go out without a bra in public you know."
I looked at her and smiled. "I know" I said. She then continued,
     "your boobs point down. you can tell when they are fake when they point up."
I smirked and replied, "yeah, so?". She looked at me again and said,
     "well, you could do excersizes to make your boobs look better."
I was a little disturbed by this. Why is it that my mom should be telling me how my breasts should look? I snarled and told her that my breasts were fine and that the boob fat was what made up a breast. She told me that breast fat was gross. I raised a brow. She said then that firmer breasts were nicer. I was thuroughly annoyed at this point and as I walked off I said, "my breassts are firm, thank you very much." I have had several men in my life tell me that my breasts are a perfect balance between cush and firm.
     The thing that gets me most of all, as I have mentioned before, is why my mom would think that she should tell me how I should look in order to be appealing to the world. I just want to be healthy and love my body. It's not hard when another scag off the street tells you your breasts suck to just ignore that person. When someone who has a great deal of influence on me, such as my mother, it's very hard to kick the insult from memory.

March 12, 2004

Wow, time flies fast! I didn't reallize that I haven't posted anything since last month. Bad girl!    Well, I have been out of my parents� home now for a week. I hate it. The only reason I dislike being out is because I am living out of a suitcase right now. That�s it; otherwise I would % 120 loves being out of my parents� home. On the flipside, I get to sleep in about forty-five minutes later now. I suppose that's why I haven't been able to post here anyways: i have been stressing otu about moving and stressing about living from a suitcase.

I did get laptop yesterday from the state to help me do my homework for school and take notes in class. I haven�t taken a math class since before I lost most of my vision and asked about getting a laptop because it was the only efficient way I could think of for working on my math homework. How would I do math on my computer you ask? I have a program called JAWS that reads what is on the screen to me for starters. Secondly, I could scan my assignment into my computer and use screen magnifiers to see what the problem is. It�s much more efficient and less stress on my eye this way. I would be hauling equipment, like a closed-circuit TV, all over campus, straining my eyes to read what�s on the paper or book or something possibly more stressful.

I am going to La Conner this weekend! It is my favorite place to veg out and get some spiritual rejuvenation. It�s beautiful up at the campground my family stays at is absolutely gorgeous. It is set in a sort of bay in between a local island and the mainland. Woohoo!

March 24, 2004

Yes, it has been a long while since I have posted here. I�m sorry! I feel as though I have been neglecting my duties. I have good reason for not being able to write though. I moved out of my parents� home about three weeks ago and for about two of those weeks I was living at my friend�s home. Now I am living downtown in a temporary situation. The place that I am staying at does not have internet access, let alone a personal phoneline that I can use from my room. So I�ve been deprived of talking to my friends and my sanity! Hopefully I will get into this housing complex that I am applying to that is downtown also, a few blocks from where I am staying now. The place just opened up so I don�t have to worry about anyone�s funky smell left behind when I move in. That�s where I have been for the past few weeks. I will probably be just as sparce here for the next couple of weeks until I can get into a place with a phoneline.

I am on my spring break right now also. It sucks. I�ve nothing to do and that is bad for my health. The place that I am staying at also has a curfew so it makes it impossible to go out and have any kind of fun at night. Oh well, spring break for me is two weeks because of the way my class worked out, but it�s only two weeks. After that I start spring quarter.

I am finding that I am missing my x a lot. I have realized since we broke up that I am a happier person because of it. I'm still not happy about the way he broke up with me, but becasue I have realized this, I would tell him thank you if I could. I no longer miss his arms, or his damn good kisses so much as I miss just being able to talk to him. I know that's a normal thing. He talked about the weirdest stuff all the time but it was so interesting. *smiles* At least I have good memories of him: some people are not as fortunate. I think I just broke my promise never to speak of him again here, but I think this one instance can be allowed. It is a positive mention.

I am taking a math class, a drama class (Yay!) and an entry level psychology class online. I am so sick of sitting and listenting to lectures I needed a break from the norm. Psychology is one of those classes I would like to just get through anyway, not that it wouldn�t be interesting. The class that I am of course looking forward to the most is the drama class. I think on the stage is where I feel most comfortable being my weird,over abundtantly happy self. I can get away with it there without funny looks.

I can't wait until I can get out of the place that I am staying now anyway. The last camping trip my family took was to my favorite place and I was not able to go becasue I had to take care of some housing applications. Now I cannot go becasue I can't stay over night anywhere else outside of where I am staying now. As soon as I am out of there, the firstweekened I will go up there and have some quality time with my soul and the Universe. It is very needed.

Wow, okay, I have to go to shrink appointment. I have to stay sane you know!

March 26, 2004

I broke it off with my boyfriend yesterday. I can�t handle the idea of another chick having sex with him at the same time (simultaneously or literally at the same time) as he is having sex with me. It�s fun yes, but sex to me is more than just �fun�. It sucks more because all the things I would have loved to do for him she is getting to do, thus winning him over. Sigh. I really like him but there others�somewhere.

April 2, 2004

Woo-hoo! I move into my own place in a month! It is subsidized housing so it is just a matter of getting through the rest of the paperwork and legalities. I am so excited that I am finally getting a place that I have complete responsibility for. I finally get to hang my paintings up that one of my friends from Intersectionz gave me! I�ve been so irritated that they have been stuck behind my bed in storage at my parents� house. I can take some pictures with my web cam once I get all set up and situated. It will just be a studio apartment, which will be slightly awkward having my living space and my bed in the same room, but I think I can deal.

I've Decided with the money that I was going to use to go see the guy (who I am still slightly addicted to, but I'm in a good re-hab program) is now going towards a trip to Wisconsin to visit one of the girls from Intersectionz. I can't wait! I miss Intersectionz so much, not just for the companionship that I built there but also for the dance itself. In anycase, I'll be going to see her this summer and then go see one of the other girls in December. Yay: I get to travel!

April 13, 2004

Oh my God! Today was the first day in my life that I have ever done something obviously stupid because of a guy. I walked to a different bus stop this morning than I usually wait at. I was hoping to catch an earlier bus. I must have just missed the round of busses going by because I felt that I waited about 10 minutes before a bus came around.

In the time that I waited I noticed a nice looking guy walking around the bus stop. It�s something I usually do. I don�t know why, I just do � perhaps the reason being that I am always looking to get somewhere. He was wearing a very nice red-toned dress shirt with a pair of dark tan pants. His hair seemed to be in that very fashionable army hair-                                                                                   cut. He wore glasses also. He reminded me much of a man that I have been hot on for a couple of years now (but he has a fianc�). I think that is why he kept my attention.

So after a while of blatant staring, a bus came along. He looked like he was getting on, so I waited behind him, continuing to admire and girlishly fantasize. I waited too long. The bus left without me and left me in a little dismay. It nearly immediately dissipated when I realized that I would usually never wait for anyone to get on a bus before I did. I am a charge forward person. I laughed at myself and shook my head. I felt like one of those ditzy girls in the movies who is caught staring at a drop-dead-gorgeous man not realizing that there was a lamp-post, car or tree right in front of her until it was too late. To make matters worse, I was running late for class and if I had caught that first bus I think I would have been on time.

April 20, 2004

Yay!! I have finally been able to get my own place! It�s a cozy little studio that will be VERY cozy once I move all of my stuff in. I�m so happy though because the apartment is downtown where all the action is and where all the buses are. The only downside is that my apartment looks directly into another persons across the way and there is quite a walk from the grocery store to a bus stop and from the bus stop to my apartment. I am going to see what I can do about the latter. I have blinds for the former. I get to start moving in my person tomorrow.


April 29, 2004

Wow. I went on a double date Friday night with one of my good friends, his fianc� and one of their friends. All I should say at this point is thusfar, he�s everything I have always tried not to dream about because I thought that my dreamguy was impossible.This I could never say about my x as much as I may have wanted to. Absolutely amazing and scary at the smae time.

June 9, 2004
Wow. I owe one to my diary. It has been a while I guess. Much has happened over the last month. First, my new-found love and I are going strong and having a blast. Secondly, I was able to bring some closure to my previous relationship, which has set a part of me free. I still have some issues to work through but I am doing well with them. I think that is the most important stuff to highlight.

Today I got to yell at my psychologist. You know, getting your aggressions out and all that psycho stuff. It felt really good but I feel really guilty about it. It felt great because I always feel too guilty to say how much I don�t like my mom as a person for who she is to me. I do admit that she is a really nice, sweet enjoyable person with people other than me. I would love to be her friend, if she didn�t know that I was her daughter and thus treat me so differently. Because things are the way they are though, I cannot. Man I would love to make a screaming monologue or poem of how much I don�t like her right now. The whole reason I moved out was so that I could start working on a better relationship with her. Things just don�t seem to be going the way I had hoped.

Speaking of moving out, I am doing well in my apartment. I have all of my stuff here now so it�s a little crowded, but not cramped. I love it: it is my sanctuary. I don�t much like leaving it, even to get some sun. I guess my home is the one place I am free from criticism from others and myself. I can be myself here. I don�t think anybody, not my boyfriend, not my counselor, not my psychologist knows who I am entirely. At least they don�t yet. My home does though.

August 2, 2004

Holy shit, it�s been two months? Oops. Way too much has happened, despite the fact that nothing has really happened at all. Here�s why:

I have been doing absolutely nothing productive this summer. I haven�t made good on my plans to get a volunteer position or a job. Eventually�procrastination kills. I have made serious advances in my own little world though. I have moved from lowly surf to something slightly better � whatever that is.

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to some Christian music and observing my body�s reaction. I get shivers and goose bumps all over my body when I listen to a particularly moving song. It never fails to occur when I am lip-syncing the national anthem. I began to think of how much music meant to me, and how much I am moved by it.

I have felt a part of me fighting my brain for the past year or so. I believe that it is my soul (forgive me for sounding corny) screaming at me to let it be free. Free for this part of my being � the essential part � is acknowledging what I have been fighting for the past year - *grumbles � God. I still insist that �God� should not be called �God�, but something without gender reference. Anyway, that night when I said, okay, I give up; it was like a fucking dungeon-and-a-half had been lifted from my conscience. I don�t know why. I still feel a little bit like belief in God is a psychological crutch. But if so, I need it. The one thing I did not like thinking about was my mom asking me in this evil tone, �Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?� I hate her for that question alone.

I thought on that question a good long while. It finally dawned on me that I had been thinking about this before. What if there was an embodied almighty again, would I not be awe-stricken and gracious in the presence of such a being? I would be, perhaps not as humble, but like she who wet Jesus� feet with her tears and washed them with her hair. So the question arose in my mind, Jesus was the son of God as said in this religion, would I not then give him the respect that is deserved as I would if such a being were to be in my presence now? And so I chose to put my faith therein. I also chose not to tell my mom that I was a convert back t the �right way� for fear of her saying I told you so and out of anger. I want her to accept me as a person not based on what I believe in, but what kind of character I am. Or, if I did tell her, it would be subtle.

My biggest fear is that those I know, love and respect who are not Christian will look on me as though I have made a mistake; as though I have chosen to be spiritually blind. I don�t see it this way. I cannot go back to the way I once was, believing in something that I had never read, because I have read a great deal of The Bible now. I cannot deny what I have learned in the past six years. I will continue to search, to push and to try new things.

On a much different subject, I am still with the awesome guy I met in April! I don�t think I can say that I don�t deserve him anymore, I do, but I am never gracious enough to the Universe who has brought him into my life. I am happy here with him and I hope that I will remain for the rest of my days in his arms. We�ll see eh?

Ehehehe, I have been making lost of new friends too. I have met like three new pople in the last month and started hanging out with them. That's something of an accomplishment for me. I may not look it, but I am a shy one at heart.

Now that I�m 21 I figure that alcohol isn�t grand. I have always thought that, but never had the opportunity to enact my belief. I have had a few drinks, yes but I have never been drunk. One, it�s bad for my depression, and two, it doesn�t appeal to me. There are too many risks that have undesirable outcomes. I can only hope that many of my friends who are now 21 realize that too.

August 16, 2004

I should be able to kick myself in the ass right now. I owe one of my friends a Happy Birthday phone call and another one only a few weeks ago I realized that I missed. That one was a few months ago. Grrr. I hope that they can forgive me. Not too much has been going on. I cleaned my apartment last week, almost had it spotless and then my boyfriend came over and we trashed it again, together. Ugh, now I have to clean it up again.

I think the most exciting news is that I am getting a loveseat for my apartment. It�s a fun and traditionally girly purple. The fabric is that new awesome micro fiber stuff that is nice and soft but cleans up well. I can�t wait to get it in.

Friday I am leaving for California with just my parents and I. I will be equipped with my iPod, headphones and an extra bottle of extra-strength patience so that I can get through the 10 days alive and not wanted for murder of my mom. I think I will survive. I know for sure that I�m going through the Redwoods (duh, it�s a must) and Crater Lake, but as far as big attractions go, I think that�s about it. We are only going down as far as San Diego. It sucks. I would love to be able to go down and visit one of my girlfriends from the dance troupe who lives in Long Beach, and two of my other friends that live near there as well. Hopefully next summer, or the summer after that, I will get to go visit them. Then, I�ll have the luxury of being with my boyfriend.

September 1, 2004

I just returned from a 10-day vacation to California with my parents. My boyfriend is now helping to treat me for shock and total psychological breakdown. In better words, I just returned from hell. I�ll skip through the bad, the boring and the typical mom behavior and go right to the happier parts of my vacation. the last two days. The elements that made these two days the most excitable and most enjoyable were the combination of time to myself and two horseback rides on the beach. These two days were the only two days in which I was able to be away from my parents, namely my mom. Eight days straight�it could have been worse I guess. Nothing kills that mother-daughter tension like the sound of the calming roar of the chaotic surf.

Almost nothing can touch me there because I think about very little with this sound in my ears. I can think to do nothing else but smile softly and watch the cresting waves wash around my ankles as I walk in the sand. I didn�t spend much time out on the beach, but it was enough to sustain Me.

During my two-day stay at Long Beach I had the fortune and the money to go on two horseback rides. The first was an hour-long walk on the beach, which was not exciting, but enjoyable nonetheless. The ride on the second day was my favored experience of the two. It was a two-hour ride. Throughout the ride we were allowed to trot and canter our horses: my muscles are still soar from the insane bouncing. I have never ridden at a canter on a horse, so this was a most invigorating experience. Something has struck a nerve when I can�t stop smiling, despite its inappropriateness. Pulling the reins in on a horse, begging in my mind for her to slow down just a bit but laughing the entire time cannot stand to convince anyone that I held command.

I have long known that I have wanted to raise a horse. I had my opportunity to ask the wranglers what the initial and annual costs were for ownership. I was relieved to find that it was much less expensive than I imagined. It would be manageable even on a teacher�s salary. Yipee! So, someday I will own a horse.

All in all, this was a bad idea with the exception of the last two days. The one thing I have decided from this trip is that no matter what, I am living at least two hours away from my parents on my next move, preferably on the Ocean: stress reliever and depression suppressant.

Of course, there were other memorable moments during my "vacation". I did get to see the Redwoods. I was very upset however because my parents did not want to stay more than an hour amidst the trees. I would have liked to relish in the peace and mystery for several hours. I will go back.

September 27, 2004

I�m not going back to school this year. There�s too much psychological shit in the way. I haven�t been successful for the last three years I�ve been in school. Most of it is due to the fact that I think I have some serious emotional issues concerning my vision. I want to go back and be successful so much that it hurts. I don�t want to waste the state�s money, my mom�s money or my time if all I am going to do is fail. So, I�m in the process of looking for a job, one to get my mom off of my back and two to give myself something to do. I need help with interview skills though. Life kinda sucks right now but I�ll pull through. I always do, somehow. I have a nice apartment to hide in and a nice boyfriend to cuddle up with when I need some extra TLC � like hugs �n� stuff. * growls * I know what you were thinking :oP

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September 28, 2004

Scratching my face off is not a good thing. This is the point where I start screaming for help - which is what scratching my face off is. It is non-productive, but at least I know what it is. I am going to start calling high schools tomorrow to see if I can get myself a volunteer position ASAP. I can't deal with life like this. When I'm depressed like this, that's when I start driving people nuts. I HATE it...at least I'm not hopeless enough to do something stupidly stupid though.

Huh...this is also the point where days start running into eachother or seem further apart than they are.

I went to my psychologist today and we talked aoubt ways that I could ask for a volunteer position with a good teacher. My goal for life after school is to become a teacher. I think that one of the ways I will be able to make it through the crap basic education classes will be to have a volunteer position with a sort of role-model teacher. Someone I can watch to learn techniques from, and to learn wheat kind of curriculum they teach and how they teach it. I would like one of the school's "good" teachers because I don't just want to learn how to teach curriculum, I want to learn how to touch a student and have the material mean something. Or, at the very least have it be something that they will take an interest in.

October 14, 2004

Unhappy pain. I spent three hours ready to grind my teeth into oblivion today. Two weeks ago I had a horrible labor pains like cramp in my side at about midnight. I woke my mom up and had her take me to the ER because it hurt so bad. The nurse there thought that it was a kidneystone because of where the pain was and the fact that it burned when I urinated. She let me go with the knowledge that I would be taking care of it the next day. I did go into the doctor's office and have a urine sample taken, which took a week to come back for some odd reason. It came back normal. I went for another week with nausea and abdominal cramping and then finally decided to go back in because the pain and discomfort wasn't going away. They did bloodwork and another urine sample. I found out about two hours later that one, I wasn't pregnant and two, I had to come back in to give another sample because they botched it somehow.

That was Monday. I didn't go back in until this morning but for a good reason. I was just finishing up an appointment with one of my counselors at DSB when a cramp started to flare up in my side again. This time it was on the opposite side of where the cramp was last time but just as painful. When I got outside of the building I called my doctor and told the receptionist that I was coming in because the pain was back. The half-hour bus ride to my doctors from where I was was a bit like hell I think. The pain again got so bad that I started shaking and feeling like I was going to vomit. When we finally arrived at my doctor's office I was and had been for the last fourty minutes (including the time waiting for the bus) cryiung. I had to take yet another urine sample which was "pumpkin-juice orange" as my boyfriend described it because of the anti-spasm medicine I had taken earlier that morning for my bladder. Then we went over to X-ray and waited for about fourty minutes to get an ultrasound. There is an end in sight, and I'm goign to ride to it on the express lanes. Needless to say, I was in an immense amount of pain and it didn't stop for about three hours, which happened to be right after the ultrasound was doen. Thanks God, your humor was sorely recognized. Ugh. About an hour later I found out that all that pain from two weeks ago and today was caused by a 4cm ovarian cyst.

There is a lesson...if it hurts your ovaries when you have sex...get it checked out. And no, you're not a hypochondriach for doing so. Even if it's not shooting pain, it's still EVIL. If this is any comparison to the pain that we go through when in labour, I'm ready for it, but I am sure as hell going to have an epidural.

I'll fixt the spelling errors later. i'm on my parents computer which currently does not have Word.

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November 4, 2004

I wanted Kerry to get the required 272 Electoral votes, I really did, but I did not have much confidence. Too many people are stricken with fear over the �war in Iraq�. Personally, I think it clouded judgment nationwide. I also do not think that many people realize that the war in Iraq and the War on Terror are two separate wars. The war on terror has been going on many decades before Bush�s crusade into Iraq began.

It seems to me that everything outside of the planes crashing and the cleanup of 9-11 has been somewhat of a political maneuver to keep Bush in office. One can look at the voting record of the people during time of war to affirm this next point. In most instances when election year occurs in the midst of a heated war people are reluctant to vote out the current president due to fear of an opposing presidential hopeful�s vision.

I think it has been about three weeks since I was at the doctor�s office with the second three-hour cramp and I am still not feeling normal. I had a cat scan today. I will get the results back from this on the 17th of this month when I have another appointment. I just wish they would give me something stronger than ALEVE for those nasty immobilizing pains, just in case. Hopefully there will be no such time, but next time I get one of those awful cramps I am going straight to my doctor and screaming at him to give me something stronger. I don�t care if it knocks me off my feet because the pain would have immobilized me anyway. I�m at the end of my patience with being fatigued all the time from pain and nausea. That ovarian cyst - they won�t do anything about it � isn�t that bad for me? Why else would my gynecologist ask me if it hurts when I have sex EVERY time I go in? It is irritating because all of this discomfort has been keeping me from exercising. Atop that I�m under doctor�s orders not to do so, which I think I am going to toss to the wind. I am gaining too much weight and it is dragging my confidence down and my pant size up.

With as much bodily stress as I am having lately I have been trying to cut out as much other stress as possible from my life. This is becoming increasingly difficult, as I have not been able to have my spiritual cleansing this year at all. It is now November of 2004 and I have not had a chance to cleanse myself since January 2003. In any case I am trying to get rid of stress, which means exiling people from my life, which means my immediate family. This also includes some people who have been stressing me out far too much to enjoy their company. For the abruptness for my disclaimer to friendship, I am sorry.

Tired of my bitching yet? I am so I think I�ll go for now. I have some thinking/writing to do.

December 1, 2004

Thanksgiving was spent with my mom�s side of the family this year. It was the best turnout in probably three years. There�s not much to tell, and that is a blessing. We ate, we drank, we were merry and my uncle who cannot sing well at all sang. We left then.

Being December 1st, by my own laws I am now able to wear my cool Santa�s hat that I found. I love it; it�s the first Santa�s hat that I have seen with any kind of personality. I only wish I could wear it year-round. This is one of the few hats that I try on that fits. I have a head full of hot air I guess. I know the picture isn't that great but it works. I don't have a digital camera, all I have currently is a webcam. In more detail, it is sparkly red with red sequins covering it.

I did write one of my friends a letter two nights ago and gave it to her today. I didn�t want to go see her because I know that people from past are always interested in what I�m up to. Right now is not a proud time in my life, but I am alive and working step by step on achieving pride in myself. It is still hard to explain why I don�t have a job or why I�m not in school without being slightly ashamed however. The importance of this please don�t abandon our friendship letter superseded any desire to hide. It took me eight months to find the right words to say. I did not want to be angry when I spoke my piece. I wish that I could have been there when she read it; it is much harder to misunderstand vocal inflection than it is to misunderstand an e-mailed response.   I hope she understands it meaning, dual and simple.

Hey, what do you think of Tristyn June for a girl's name? I got the idea from the song Watching Out For Tristyn, which is one of the songs put on a CD that was made for my birthday. The song is about a little girl who is losing her vision, among other things, but she always finds a way to smile through the love of Christ the way only a child can undrstand.

January 11, 2005

Yay! I am back in school!~~ Boo!! I
have a headache. OMG I spent too
long in the library today working myself
into a headache over math. It is going
to take a while for those to stop. I feel
so dumb because it takes all I have to
do math, but at least I have something
to show at the end. So, I got home at
like nine tonight after being there since
six just working on math and this is my
de-stressor. I have found that i have
much more confidence this time around
then I did last spring. I give thanks to my guy for some of this new-found happiness. He is one of two peopole in my life who is niether afraid of me nor afraid for me. II am not worried about meeting a guy or making friends; I have a guy and I have friends. I was able to get accomodations that I needed to be successful in my class because of that confidence. And who said being picky is bad? Today I turned my flaw into a very useful bargaining tool; it aided and abided my confidence in accquiring accomidations.

Why is this so special? It is a big deal for me to be able to ask for things I need and hold out until I get exactly what i need. Nothing more, nothing less, right? The past six years have been one long struggle to be able to accomplish this. For the first time in my life I don't feel ill-will towards my disability.

Ooh, look! My hair isn't a ball of frizz!! It's all about the conditioner baby!

January 13, 2005

It's choco-art!
My other de-stressor: chocolate.
The bottom chunk on the right is
1-5/16 inches thick and about
3-1/2 inches long by the way.
And let me be clear. That piece
of art there, which i am so addicted
to, is not your day-to-day Hershey's
brand choclate. That there is pure
confectioner's chocolate packaged
by Dilettante Chocolates. They use
the one, the only, Guittard Chocolate.
So--I'm EXTREMELY picky.

My favorite story from when I was little as my mom recalls it, was as follows:
My mom and I, a shy goldy-lochs three-year-old, were at a neurologist appointment. My doctor was asking me several questions about opposites. This was one of them:

Doctor: pizza is hot and ice cream is...
Evelyn: (with an outpoor of enthusiasm) ?Chocolate!!

If there were any doubts about when my chocolate addiction began, I can safely assume that it was at birth.

Favorite Line: Life is like a box of chocolates. Forest Gump   AND i'M GOING TO EAT THEM ALL!!!

Here's an exceprt of a conversation that my boyfriend and I had in the wee hours of the morning:

Psycho Kitty   says:
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
Psycho Kitty   says:
if chocolate was in your veins, I'd be a vampire
Happy Winter-Een-Mas says:
lol
Happy Winter-Een-Mas says:
that's so sweet ... in a strange kind of way
   Psycho Kitty   says:
I vant do suck your chocolate Muha-ah-ah-ah!
Happy Winter-Een-Mas says:
lol
Psycho Kitty   says:
i had too much chocolate
Happy Winter-Een-Mas says:
that's okay
   Psycho Kitty   says:
i'm going to die in the night and when they do an atopsy on me they are going to see that my blood-chocolate level is going to be way beyond the legal limit.
Happy Winter-Een-Mas says:
lol