For some reason there�s always a reason to start a diary. I don�t know why there must be motivation of a higher kind to do so. I simply feel like writing. This is a way for me to let loose my carefully guarded tongue. Don�t be surprised if something offends you or surprises you. Anything goes here.
Hello and sorry for all of you who actually check this thing. It has been a LONG time since I have bothered to write.
As of late I have been doing absolutely nothing. I like it that way. I finished a math class I was taking during spring quarter a couple of weks ago and have been de-stressing from the ordeal, and the seven hour final. Yesterday I went in to check what my overall grade was for the class. I waited for a while because I was afraid mostly. I thought I might only barely pass. To my surprise and delight I did more than that: I passed with a 3.0 � a good hearty B.
Now that that is done with, I have decided to take a summer break. I deserve it. Because my ovarian cyst went away and I finally figured out what the other pain was from, I am dedicating this summer to getting back into my clothes. I started that undertaking last night by doing my Yoga Booty Ballet workout video. God I hate being one of those. It words though, and it is fun. On the first of next month I will be going to the gym as well as doing that video. Hopefully I can work out three hours a day � at least until my pants fit again, then I will drop down to a sane one-hour daily workout.
That is all for now.
P.S.: All of the pictures have been moved to the "Picture Page"
I am so hungry for sleep that I feel like a zombie child. I broke up with my boyfriend last week and have not been able to sleep since. It is due to the fact that now I am alone in my apartment ALL of the time.
These are my new ballet slippers! Now
I can rip up the dance floor instead of
ripping up my feet.
Yesterday I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and purchased several things to re-vamp my apartment. There is now a colorful rug on my floor, a new floor lamp which is also bright and fun and a little accent I like to call Space-ship Bob
Because I couldn't sleep tonight, or rather at 3:30 this morning, I organized some of my loose photos properly into their respective albums.
Have a Happy Fireworks Frenzy of a Fourth everyone!!
P.S. Sorry Stephen. I love you most of all for giving me back my confidence. You are my favorite chapter in this book of life and I hope that you can find your confidence too. Make your own path; don't ride on somebody else's.
Today was my first day at the gym. Hehehe, I thought I could do three hours. I was pooped after just one. I got to try out my new ballet slippers today though. I was surprised at what a difference they make for moving about, both good and bad: I lose friction so it is harder to do specific footwork, I am able to spin smoothly however. Now if I could just figure out my balance issues, life would be great.
Finally! They have embodied my first love in Barbie!! Her name is Chocolate Obsession
Oh my god I am bored! I will have to remember to have something going for myself next summer. Last summer I was involved with a boyfriend so I stayed pretty busy and happy. I forgot that being bored with someone is fun compared to being bored alone. I forgot because It has been about two years since I've experienced a boring summer.
For now I am trying to find some volunteer work to eat up at least one day of my week. It would be a dent. I have applied to the Seattle Art Museum and Big Brothers Big Sisters.
If I could get a job, trust me I would. It may still be boring, but at least I�d get paid. The only problem is that the agency I go through won�t support both a job, let alone a temporary one, and school. It�s one or the other. It makes it difficult to apply anywhere because I would most likely need an aid to do the job. Oh well. If I can volunteer I will gain great life experience: I am more interested in that right now.
I wrote a poem today. It's on the "this is me" page.
I wanted to draw this picture showing three faces as one. The center "face" is happy with eyes glittering and open, looking excited. To the left, the face had closed eyes and is bleeding tears. To the right the face has no eyes and an open mouth, like it is screaming.
If I could, I would have someone draw this for me: I cannot see to create the detail that I want from this piece. Since I know of only one person who could possibly do this, but who is accross the country, I did my best to explain my picture in words.
The three faces turned into two faces. If I tried to add the third face in now I think I would fail miserably. I don't have the words for that face yet.
I have been watching 60 Minutes tonight. There was a report, as there have been many, on the state of our military's well-being, or lack thereof.
I have not given an opinion one way or another on the war and its politics. This is due to my lack of dedicated thought to the issue, which is sadly intellectually immoral of me to have done. Now, I will start thinking about it, as I should be.
It is my opinion that though President Bush may be a good person, he is not a good president. Bush is like an ineffective teacher. The teacher has the award-winning personality of the year. He gets along with students wonderfully and is the favorite among of his group of friends. However upon review, his teaching methods are ineffective. He cannot convey the intended curriculum to his students in a way that makes sense to them, thus leaving them confused and unprepared for upcoming tests. This is neglegance on the part of the teacher for not paying attention to the needs of the students, but rather his own pre-concieved notions. President Bush has become the nation's inneffective teacher: he is not giving throught to oru nation's fiscal needs, nor the needs of our soldiers when it comes to his war.
We are not paying the taxes that we should be, as we had during previous times of war. The President has lowered the intake of funds when more funds are needed to support the war. This is financial suicide. One does not have to be a financial advisor for H&R Bloc to know this. Furthermore, President Bush is not keeping our nation's people mindful of the soldiers by not asking us to conserve. People spend money on goods and services that they do not need everyday. During times of war our prople should be asked to set aside some of those comforts so that the soldiers fighting canl be a little bit safer. We the people of the United States are safe here, the soldiers of our United States are not. We are sending our nation's most celebrated heroes of to fight without proper financial backing. Thus, we are sending them with cut-backs and sub-standard equipment.
Granted, not all of our soldiers are young, but the majority are. It has always been this way and nothing will change this. Something can be done about the sub-standard equipment being sent to our soldiers now. It is grand neglegence on the part of our president to send un-armored humvies and scant ammunition overseas to the soldiers that are fighting his war. This is our nation's youth: the next generation of fathers, leaders and workers. My brother is among these young men and women who have just turned eighteen. The day that he is either drafted or recruited is the saddest day of my life. He is naiive and unaware of much in the wordl around him. I fear that the war would ruin his psychological well-being, as it is doing to the soldiers now in Iraq. To put such women and men, who have just come of age into a war-zone with bigger-than-life fatalities and reality is sending them on a suicide mission completely blind.
It should not be confused that support for the troups is also support for the war. There is a fundamental difference. Support for the troups is compassion for the men and women who have given up their safety and lives to go and fight a dirty fight without promise of return. It is also support for the families who have given these childdren, fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters up. Supporting the war is simply supporting the politics behind it. It is not patriotic to support the war, nor is it unpatriotic to disagree with it. It is unpatriotic to illusion ourselfves to the idea that we are not affected by this war in our everyday lives. There is someone not far from our own home that has lost a loved one to this war. It is as though our President is tossing them into a pit of deadly snakes with the promise of a sturdy rope to help pull themselves out with, but instead handing them a tattered shoe-string.
Who is she? Undeniable presence within my psyche. She only comes out to play when the gren goblin comes for her. It wreaks havok on my body, making my limbs heavy and lifeless. I feel I want to throw up. I want to rid myself of this goblin. I want to speak, but I am too afarid that they will hear the voice, rusty and vengeful. And why?
Because I am a little girl just then, when another woman walks into the room. I am a little girl when the object of my affection is no longer only mine to play with. She is not a threat, no. I wouldn't mind having her as a friend, infact. She is hot and intelligent and well spoken, and that is what scares me. It is my insecurity that hurts - the green goblin that toys with me, makes a mokery of my usually steadfast confidence. The fiend tells me that I am pretty, but not pretty enough to keep his eye. Tells me that I am boring in the face of her conversation. I feel defenseless; all I can do is breathe.
It is captivating to the three of them, including him, sitting there on the couch talking. I listen, I like the conversation, I can relate to the conversation, but I cannot contribute. I do not have knowledge of what they are talking about because I have not read the books that they have. I have not watched the movies that they have. I feel that my life is boring because I have not done all that they have. I fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I study, I will never succeeed at having that knowledge.
I don't want the knowledge to have it sitting around and doing nothinI g. I would like to use it to impart my own opinions on a particular subject. But how do I do that when I do not know how to talk about nothing? I can talk about politics, religion and non-reliegion, news and infotainment, but it is what everyday people talk about that I cannot. Small talk I suppose. How do you talk about something that means nothing? Or better yet, how do I make it mean something to me? I want more than anything to be able to interject a relevant statement into a conversation. Oftentimes I say something that is just the opposite. I want to be able to say something that people can counter or build on - to be a functioning cog in a machine, not simply a decorative accent.
Is there a school for socially inept people such as myself?.
The Following was added July 26, 2005:
This message is not from Evelyn Leigh, this message is from Stephen Ezra. First, I have to apologize, PK, I'm sorry I had to hijack your website. When PK (PK = Psycho Kitty, my nickname for Evelyn) and I broke up it was weird for a long time having to sleep and eat, forcing myself out of bed and taking care of personal hygiene. From previous entries, you may have gathered that PK went through the same thing, and she did.
When we broke up, I tried to maintain hope that we were gonna make up and be good again. That I know now can't happen for several reasons. The foremost of these is that she has moved on. She wants to be with someone who has a forceful personality, and makes plans and says "We are doing this now," or maybe more aqccurately "Let's go do this now." that's not me. She wants someone who can stimulate her brain into thinking new thoughts, who watches the news and has an opinion on everything. Not me, I don't like the news, it's almost always on when I'd rather be watching something else, or doing something else. She wants someone who is self-motivated in looking for work, and can spoil her the way she deserves to be spoiled. Also not me. But mostly she wants to be with someone who treats her with respect, and loves her, and would do anything for her. I can be that person, and in being that person, I could have been all those other things that she wanted.
Now here's some advice for all guys everywhere. When your woman says she wants you to go do something, go and do it. That day, if she doesn't specify, take her for a walk, and listen to what she says as you pass shops, theaters, restaurants, anything.
Next, remember that she is a person, not your "arm candy" or other such term, she needs to know that she is loved, and not just by saying "I love you" but by doing I love you. This means that if her dishes need doing, then do them, if you take clothes off at her house, put them away, at the first available opportunity, dirty clothes in the hamper, clean clothes in a dresser or closet, et cetera. I know that sounds stupid, but I screwed it up too.
Remember also that flowers are not just "I Love You" "I'm sorry" "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Valentine's Day". Girls like flowers, flowers should be "Tuesday" and "You're sad today, let me get you flowers" "Look, it's the first day of Winter or Spring or Summer or Fall". If your love is of the type, hget her a plant that flowers, go to your garden store, and get African Violets (they stay small, they bloom nice, and they don't attract bugs.)
Never forget that if you don't have kids, she has the most beautiful smile on the planet, so my next piece of advice, make sure she shows you that smile every day, make her laugh, make her smile, make her day. If you do have kids, her smile is tied for most beautiful, but only just. Also, as long as we're on the subject of kids, if you don't want 'em, wear protection. Don't got cash? Go to your local DSHS or Planned Parenthood, for a wink and a smile they'll give you a bag full of condoms.
Support your woman's right to think independently of your thinking. What you say is not always how it goes. But also, what she says is not always how it goes, and it's okay for both of you to be wrong or right. Believe me when I say that a good argument, where words are the only things exchanged, is a wonderful thing.
I have to go before I'm discovered, so I'll leave with this:
I'm so sorry PK. I wasn't trying to guilt you, and I wasn't trying to make you cry. I'm so, so sorry
~ Stephen ~
This past week I have spent trying to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again. Though this break-up has not been even a fourth of the devastation that my last was, I am feeling the effects. I know for a fact that I am not as stable when I am not in a relationship than when I am. Or at least that is how it was this last time. I think now I am more confident, older and in a better position to keep myself from going too far off my chosen path. I have my own place now: a sanctuary. It is still hard. There is no longer anyone sitting on my couch to talk to when I am bored. There is no one to make me smile when I am sad, no one to sleep next to me at night nor to wake up to and kiss good-morning. It is hard, yes.
I will say that the post above from my ex is genuine. I bitched him out for it, and for the other unmentionable offense that he committed. I am very angry for having my privacy invaded so rudely. You need help.
Part of digging myself out of this slump has been due to the events that have transpired over the last week. My birthday was on the 24th, which was met with bittersweet memories.
I knew already what my one present was going to be for my birthday: a membership to The Sims Resource. It is a web-based community of people who like creating and downloading things for The Sims, the only game I play on my PC. The second I had that all set up I was in seventh heaven. When I woke up on my birthday my mom surprised me with even more. We all know that being a college student or twenty-something and living on your own is hard, so my mom gave me the best present ever � food! I was gifted a huge Costco box full of hamburger, turkey, easy-mac, tuna, soup and chicken breasts. HOW AWESOME IS MY MOM?? I was completely shocked and totally happy with my box of food and my membership to TSR. But there was still more. She brought me upstairs and gave me one last present, which made me tear up. She bought me the sixth Harry Potter book on CD.
It made me cry because it is so hard for me to get a hold of the Harry Potter books. I usually cannot afford to buy one of the books on CD because they run between $40 and $50 a piece. It frustrates me because the paperback or hardcover only run at about half that a piece, plus they can now be bought in a boxed set which brings the price down more. Furthermore, the wait list for the books at the library is atrocious. For example, Harry Potter And The Sorcerer�s Stone has a waitlist of 70 people currently, right now I am 28 but I�ve been on that list for almost a month already.
I digress. Those were my three wonderful presents and the end to my wonderful birthday. Shortly after nine my aunt called panicked. I won�t go into details but my mom, my father and I spent the entire morning, along with one of my other aunts and uncles at her house trying to calm her down and comfort her. After we left we were supposed to go to Jetty Island for a picnic but all three of us were exhausted so we decided to go out to lunch at a nearby restaurant instead. It was good food but the mood was obviously hindered by the morning�s events. I spent the rest of the day longing for a hug and someone to watch movies with.
On the 23rd I was able to enjoy myself however. I was taken out to dinner to The Claim Jumper. I feasted upon a calamari dinner and a mint-chocolate martini. The food was excellent, the company was excellent and the day was full of fun.
I think I know why I did it. Your kindness scares me and so I set out to sabotage myself. I do not want to get too happy. I think I know why it made me cry. We treat each other better now than we ever did through maturity, understanding and willingness to be friends. But I am afraid that all of this will disappear: tomorrow you will say goodbye. This too is just a dream. I will try to hold to it for now and not sabotage the little time I have with you. Make every moment live for I know not how many I have to spend.
Spittin' mad. This is the phrase I would use to describe myself today - that and "angry psycho bitch face". I was stuck at a bus stop today with my groceries for an hour because the bus passed the stop without so much as slowing down. I hate grocery shopping: this incident re-affirmed that.
I have only had to go grocery shopping three times on my own and each time I was stressed out and screaming by the time I got home. Now that I do not have stephen to go with me and help I am realizing just how nearly impossible it is for me to grocery shop on my own becasue of my lack of vision. So when I came home I screamed. My firend came over and we hung out but eventually I ended up balling on his shoulder, stomach and on my teddy bear. He said that this was a good experience for me and that I would learn from it. The spiritually in-tune part of me agreed with him but the rest of me wanted to hit him. At the time I just wanted to be held, to know that someone still cared about me, and that's what he did. Thank you. Thank you for being patient with me today and washing dishes after lunch. That's always awesome. Oh yeah, and thank you for telling me how awesome I looked in the shirt I wore today. Okay, enough kiss-ass.
Since this afternoon I have talked with several people trying to find solutions to make it easier for me to go grocery shopping without burdening my mom who does not live aywhere convenient. I am trying to maintain as much independence as possible. If I can do that, I can still have confidence. Being successful in school is wonderful and great for my self-esteem, but being successful in everyday life makes me feel less like an invalid and more like a person.
I went to a going away party last night for one of my friends. I had been having a bad day but on the way from Seattle I decided that I was going to have a good time no matter what. I did. There were so many people there that I hadn�t seen in a couple of years, and some new faces as well. There was a healthy helping of guys, though I didn�t worry myself about trying to talk to any of them. All I did was have a good time. We played Red Rover in the dark, danced to music and at the end of the night, made a toast with some excellent blackberry Merlot wine. I�m so glad I went and I�m so glad that I didn�t try too hard to meet new people. This made it possible for me to have an absolute blast, and made it the best party I�ve been to.
Summer isn�t going away quickly enough. I am getting extremely restless to the point ithat f I don�t have something to do I am depressed. Today is my cousin�s birthday so hopefully I will get to see her and wish her a Happy Birthday. I imagine it will be sometime this evening.
Oh, I know I�ve mentioned it before � the guy I have known since high school - I might get to see him this weekend and get to know him a smidgey. Who knows. I am just glad I get to hang out with friends.
Well, thanks to the suggestion of a friend, I have been checking out this really cool �dating� web site. It beats the hell out of chatting on Yahoo! Of course, I have run into the occasional dumb ass, but several of the people that I have talked with are seemingly interesting.
I wish that it were working out as well for my friend as it is for me: he deserves someone to rock his world. *wink*
Yeah baby! I put on my size 18 jeans today straight from the dryer and they are loose!!!!! HELL YEAH! I have been working so hard to get to this point. I need continue working this hard so that I can get back into my sixteens. My ultimate goal of course is to get into size 14 jeans.