| I didn�t really know what else to do. When I feel down, I usually talk to you. This time it�s different; I have nowhere to turn. I can get too attached; I have so much to learn. My mind is racing with thoughts I cannot comprehend. Why isn�t it any easier? It�s not as if I pretend. It�s the reality that hit me in the face. My heart was torn from me, a dent in it�s place. Nothing else to do, no place left to go. I almost wish I never knew all the things that I know. I speak from far within me, some place warm and deep. I tell of a great story with the secrets that I keep. Deep within me I keep digging for the past that was my own. Instead I find a future deep, dark, and alone. I live in the present looking far behind. I wish to live it gracefully, so sweet and so kind. I search for answers never found to the questions that I make. No person could understand what I go through or my mistakes. Sometimes I wish myself dead and dream of it no more. Then, I consider what�s around me and wonder why I wish that for. A wish so unspeakable, I deny it ever true. I buried that sin, never wished it again, all because of you. I sit here washed away in a great depression. Because I know now that life was teaching me a lesson. I could lie to your face and say I learned something. I would never do that to you; I�m confused and I know nothing. People say they can relate, but this isn�t true. I used to say it all the time never knowing an emotion so blue. It now burns me when they say they really care. They don�t know what they�re getting themselves into; people are never really there. My heart breaks more with every beat; my spirit breaks even more. I wish I wasn�t so blind so I could find a back door. I�d like to think that there is a place like that; one where I can escape. This roller coaster is more like a spider web holding me in like duct tape. My enemies never see me when I am this way. I�m not even sure who my enemies are. What more can I say? Even my friends haven�t seen me this bad. Who are they to judge? They hit me with a weak smile, a wink, and send me off with a nudge. I don�t think they know me as well as they think they do. I don�t even know myself, that�s why I came looking for you. I always had an image of what I might become. But that image was too broken; too fairytale to some. I woke up from this dream and came to realize my friends are not my friends, just enemies in disguise. I�m too easily blinded by the kindness, letting my guard down. Then , they leave me bruised and battered thinking of more ways to make me drown. I�ll never say I never did anything wrong. But I�ve done so many good things in places good things shouldn�t belong. Not even I am perfect; it�s a quality that I lack. I wish you could see how much it�s hurting me, but you can�t with your turned back. My body is growing restless with each line I write. Here I am in danger of everything in sight. My mind has been too wishful, all that lay are broken dreams. Even my dreams grew tired of me, or at least that�s how it seems. I never knew how much people meant to me. Now I�m stuck here all alone, not a person to see. I was nothing but a waste of time on the way to finding yourself. You don�t need me anymore, but you�re too scared to tell. It�s okay, I understand, but why am I not enough? Is it because I�m not just like you? I know I�m not that tough. There are certain things in my memory that will never be forgotten. One is the friendship we had, and now your life that I am not in. There is a file cabinet full of memories that I will always treasure. And pictures worth a thousand words and a pain I can�t endeavor. I am not where I wanted to be now that I am here. I wonder about different paths, and it brings me to a tear. Sometimes I sit and wonder if my friends feel the same. If they care the way that I do, or if they play me like a game. I remember a simpler time when all I did was smile. Being younger made me oblivious, but only for a little while. When mothers give us life, we have no choice in the matter. That�s why people like us ruin ourselves and make everything shatter. I won�t say that all is lost and nothing was ever good. I just think I should tell the truth the way that others should. What�s odd is I remember strangers that never once said �Hi�. What�s sad is I can�t cry anymore when someone says forever �Goodbye�. I remember nameless faces and I can�t remember names. I remember when I knocked at your door, but I don�t remember why I came. Everyone is so busy, am I the only one who�s not? People are moving so fast around me, nobody wants to stop. It�s like I turned to you for a safety zone. Now I feel even worse and even more alone. The voices downstairs also sound dismayed. Neither can find better jobs; Neither are well enough paid. But still they keep smiling with their heads held high. It never fails to amaze me at how they get by. Why can�t I be that picture? The one with the radiant light! I close my eyes too deeply and wish with all my might. They say high school changes people. This I know is true. I remember that second year and the change I saw in you. The first year was too tragic and overall broke my heart. But it was the third year I began to see our friendship fall apart. People are moving on to bigger and better things. It�s how they leave me hanging there; that�s what stings. I�ll wait and wait for days on end trying to keep all hope. But it�s the unwritten letter and unanswered calls that�s what hurts the most. I try keeping myself busy with music and magazines. But it�s painful to know you have gone three years without being seen. A family of four seems perfect; two parents and two kids. One parent and three kids, that�s what my life is. Another family states away; my father overseas. It hurts me to even write him; it eats me up like a disease. His life is far from perfect, he makes money at the least. But if he isn�t careful, his marriage is about to be ceased. Why bring another kid into the world, only to leave him alone? I am nothing like you. How can you call me your own? You think you�re saving me when you speak of what could be. You�ll never really know me, only an image you made up of me. You were never there for me, you make my life rough. I�m not saying you didn�t try, but it just wasn�t enough. But, then I sit and think about if something happened to you. I�d pretend inside not to care, but those feelings would not be true. I often wonder how much you think of me. Do you think less and less? Because that is what I see. The world can do crazy things to tear us apart. But nothing can change the fact that you are always in my heart. Outside I seem invincible and so neatly sewn. Inside I�m just a child who realized she�s almost grown. It�s true, I�ve never noticed this change until now. Someone forced my puppet strings into a convincing bow. It�s not as easy for me to turn away. But for some it�s as if they wake up everyday to a new day. I�m so numb to love, but I feel the pain always within. I wish I could fix everything and find myself again. Down the page, I�m deeper into my thoughts. Is this what I�m looking for? Are these the answers that I�ve sought? I hope to live without a care in my mind. But life isn�t like that; it�s only a barrier of some kind. Music plays endlessly but no more can I dance. You walk by pretending never to know me without a passing glance. I wish I could see you for who you really are. But this new distance between us is almost too far. For my feet are aching with every step I take. And my eyes are growing weaker with every tear I make. They fall like rain reaching to a point of flood. They sting like a slow death of a newly squashed bud. I began writing this to clear out my head. Instead I found a hunger that needed to be fed. A hunger for life that only one can dream. A life only I can get by being myself it seems. How can I get it when I�m confused at what I want? Tonight I�ll look for a feast with only myself to taunt. Even if I had everything in the world, I�d think and sit. Everything wouldn�t be necessary if I had nobody to share it with. If you knew me you�d never think I carried feelings so deep. Talk to me sincerely and these emotions would be within reach. I try to hide it all with a plastic smile. But it fades at night after a while. It�s like a favorite song that relates. It�s the words never said that teach me hate. Maybe next time I�ll find the courage to say That I�ll live my life the way I want and not any other way. It all sounds so selfish, but that�s not how it�s meant. I can�t fight this feeling; my life is so bent. I mean to say I�ll live it the way it�s meant to be. You can�t live it for me, and that�s the reality. A world full of broken promises and lies. A darkness so deep with a colorless disguise. I know I�m not the only one going through these times. But I�m the only one who pretends all the time. It�s a puzzle with a missing piece making it incomplete. It�s the bad with the good that makes everything bittersweet. A confession that�s hidden way too long. A singer with no words to an unsung song. People fail to see the side that lingers. It�s like seeing with no eyes and writing without fingers. Time can�t erase any memory of the brain. I ponder about the past so much it drives me insane. I try to explain everything that I feel. You�d never listen even if I held you against your will. If I said things the right way, maybe you wouldn�t be confused. But you care less and less and I start to feel misused. Do you ever wish you�d taken a different direction? Or that you could do one thing over and make another selection? It�s only wishful thinking on a shooting star. It�s only the posers that you see from afar. I don�t want to think about history anymore, how about tomorrow? But it�s so hard when the past is filled with so much sorrow. It�s the invitation I never got. It�s the unopened present for you that I bought. I often wish to be a different name as I look in the mirror and see a burned out flame. To have everything and still want more. Means you have nothing and leaves you feeling sore. People are quick to judge when you�ve done wrong. But they�re only hypocrites whose pasts were away too long. Only rambling now, I�m almost done. I�m a little clearer now, but too streaked to see the sun. I need a new shield to protect me from this place. Or maybe a new reflection to see my real face. Not the camoflauged one who has grown weary. Or the one who has cried so much because of a life so dreary. I�m thinking like the adult I see in myself. I�m putting away the old me on a dusty shelf. Along with it I�ll send the pain and salty tears. And all the other painful things that have been with me all through the years. My heavy heart shall be lifted and given a new start. One that will be loved and never torn apart. I could never give myself the chance to lose my senses. It was always easier said than done, I was drowning in tension. I wrote this not for pity or any other sympathy. I wrote this to get to know myself so I could love the real me. |