of
Jennifer Antar
Looking back, I notice some things I could've avoided :Like any pain I caused by crying myself to sleep or the pain I may have caused other people.But these were all lessons I need to be taught.I understand I that I took my first 17 years for granted. All the times with my brother and sister. All the times with my mother. I wonder sometimes, why we ever fought.It's as if every time we talked, we were ready to throw our voices into high pitched yells and piercing words. Then there were the good times. We laughed too much sometimes, but it was all in good fortune. And at the same time,I was as sad as I was happy because I knew then as I know now that I could never share the same exact moment again..No matter how hard I tried to hold onto it.My friends and I got into some arguments, but it only made our bonds stronger. I remember how 2004 started out....There was so much anger within me. But as the year progressed, I threw my old self away. I shed all my pain in for a fresh start. At the time it felt like I was doing the right thing, but come November, I realized it wasn't wise at all.All if did was make matters worse and I began to create more problems as my old ones resurfaced. I could look at myself in the mirror and see things I'd never seen before.I lied to myself...I couldn't recognize anything about me. My sad eyes...my faded snile. It was all so foreign to me as I created an immunity to emotion.Nobody listened when I said I was losing myself. And look what happened? But it isn't their fault, they couldn't possibly understand everything that was going on. Not even I could do that.Near the ending moments of 2004, I decided to just let everything go. All the pain, regrets, anger...everything. That's when I realized it.... I didn't need to change myself. I didn't need to erase my past. And there was no use in regretting anything I ever did because I couldn't change it. All I needed to do was let it go.And as the clock struck midnight, as the fireworks sparkled, and as the four of us stood there together for the last time in 2004, I smiled knowing that this was the happiness that I missed. I thought about their futures as my sister would be leaving soon and my mother would be rushing off to work. And I searched for my brother's face...He would move to bigger and better things. He would be overjoyed or overwhelmed...either way he'd be enlightened. He'll gather his own experiences and retrieve his own knowledge as he leaves his life as I know it behind him. And I'll be busy becoming independent, not looking to my friends for advice, but making my own decisions and risking it all. Neither right nor wrong, but a consequence nevertheless will be awaiting me. I'll go back to a time-consuming job and finishing my last few months in highschool.
....... I say this as I sit here on a rainy Saturday on the first day of January 2005 looking bittersweetly as my childhood passes. And here I am thinking like I always will. Growing like I have been. And learning at my own expense, taking life in..in small doses. And to think, all I wanted to say was happy new year.
All that was alive is now dead.
Green grasses turn brown.
Innocents are left to drown.
The planes will crash.
It's the Devil's ferocious wrath.
Skies of blue are now black.
No forgiveness; can't turn back.
Earth turns a shade of grey.
Never again seeing the light of day.
Jumping off, down you'll crash.
Its the Devil's ferocious wrath.
Smiles will all turn to frowns.
We realize six feet isn't so far down.
Youth will fade and old age will reign.
Nothing will pour but acid rain.
Against the rocks we'll crash.
It's the Devil's ferocious wrath.
Unlikely spirits will possess.
Leading you to your death.
Poisonous eyes blazed by fire.
Destroying your every desire.
Executing your soul with one blast.
It's the Devil's ferocious wrath.
Ravens will fly high.
Plotting ways for you to die.
Demonic voices will be heard.
They'll strip silent your every word.
The world will then collapse.
It's the Devil's ferocious wrath.
If I don't live up to your expectations, Will you then turn your back and desert me?
I don't see why you would ever lie but here you are screaming it out.
Why must you be amused by me? There's nothing to laugh about.
Take your friends by their hands but watch out for the knives that they carry. Say something wrong when it doesn't belong and they'll have your body to bury.
Heads may ache and eyes may cry but it won't keep you from living.
Make sure to invest in a tall-tell story. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
People imagine and people pretend but nothing will keep this a secret.
Pour the pain onto my heart and that is where I shall keep it.
Voices stutter and minds clutter but life just keeps on moving.
All has failed to no avail and nothing is worth undoing.
