A hollow light reaches out from the tiny space under my door; a faint glow emits from the stereo less than 2 feet from my head. I just stare into the dimly lit room wondering. Caught up in the suspense of my own existence, mesmerized at how easily it is to lose everything, in what seems like just a few moments. Pain shoots from my fingers as I try to escape, any way I can. Tonight's attempt was unsuccessful as well; just as they all have been lately. In the instant my eyes shut, I start to hear the rush in my ears and I start seeing shadows moving about, everything rushes into my head and my anger and frustration tumble towards me like an avalanche. From this I cannot run. I can escape reality by merely not being there, but in my head, it chases me as would a lion. I feel like I've been slashed or tortured and now lie there, limp, just waiting to bleed to death. But I can't.
Maybe I have these dreams of being murdered because I secretly desire the release. However, I somehow know, it would be no release at all... it would just further my helplessness. Instead of being here, feeling invisible and blown around by everyone else's whim, I would truly not be there, and just have to watch. And I would watch for eternity, over and over, and know how I failed. If I had just made different choices, this wouldn't have happened. And I blame myself, because it was in my hands, I touched the only thing I had ever wanted, and dropped it on purpose. I didn't wait to see it shatter, I only looked back afterwards.
Sometimes I feel like I had just been distracted and maybe it had been an accident, blaming it on other people. I know that's not true. I have tried to face it and I can't truly face it, I just have to know. I was told what would happen, I knew the path to take, but I spit right in God's face, I expected him to give it back... and when he didn't, I didn't want to believe it was my fault. But it was. In some ways I felt like my confidence in him had been brandished, however, my pride had stood in the way of my prize.
In medieval times, a knight would have to prove his love by acting against his character. This was my chance to act against mine, and I failed miserably. I knew exactly how much I had loved him, because I showed everyone the hatred that love leaves after it tears itself out of you. Glare at your peers when they're used to you smiling... that will make a difference. Reserve yourself because you can't believe you trusted someone with your life and they betrayed you, even though its more like they threw you off a cliff. Live through it but never forget, even though you have secretly forgiven. Hear that apology you had longed for after years of pining; the shock alone will leave you breathless. The choice wasn't as clear as you had expected, and now there are new elements involved, new people. Hatred that your family hangs onto because you were almost sent to a mental institution. Maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe it is what is best. No one will ever hurt me exactly the way he did, ever again. For now, I am wary. I know how to make you forget me, and believe me, that is my strongest weapon against you. For your weaknesses.... I am forever counting. |
