Talking Shit
Rev. Paul Francis de Valera
Shit. We all have to do it. We all
have to crump, stool ,crap, turd, poop, pinch a loaf, lay a log, we all have to
excrete feces. I, like all of you have dumped several 1000's of times and will
do many more before I croak. So I write today to define shit, to label it's many
forms so when you look into the bowl you will know just what went down. This is
scientific research, I spent years looking into to bowl after I had done my
duty. The procedure is simple; 1. Shit 2. Look 3. Take notes; because of the
many years of labor I can now present this work of academia for your perusal.
Thank-you.
Rev. Paul's glossary of shit:
Turd: Ah.. the classic Turd. The Turd
is characterized by being from 3" to 6" inches in length and is shaped
much like a cartoon cigar. A Turd is tapered at one end and either has the other
end broken off as to look like a piece of torn clay or the end will be comprises
of small compressed "nuggets". Turds can be your standard brown or
come in other shades or have undigested objects within the body of the Turd, it
all depends on what you ate.
Nuggets: Nuggets are small
collections of crap that are roughly marble shaped and sized. Each nugget is a
separate unit of shit, only finding union with other nuggets once they have fell
to the bottom of the bowl. Sometimes as mentioned above, a Turd will be
comprised of several nuggets.
Wrinkley: A Wrinkley is a singular
small wrinkled piece of shit that often looks like a over cooked shriveled up
French fry. Wrinkley's are only created under extreme pressure and are never
seen accompanied by others of their ilk.
Snake: The poop snake is a long (over
6") crap. The snake is often characterized by a curvature and rough, broken
edges. Snakes can also resemble Play-Doh that has been squeezed through one of
the Doh-Presses. The snake is a feisty beast, always requiring lots of clean-up.
Boulder: The boulder is a larger
cousin to the nugget, it behaves similar to the nugget in all respects.
The Biter: An infamous, more
aggressive relative of the Turd, the Bitter will make one painfully aware of
it's departure. Ouch.
The Mammoth: Mammoth Turds are often
short but overly wide. When working with a mammoth, use force in time intervals.
Using excessive force can result in injury.
Bowl Flakes: Research suggests that
Bowl Flakes are an exploded or fragmented Snake parts. Bowl Flakes are
identified by flaky, small fragments of shredded stool. Clean-up often messy.
Spak: Spak is the aftermath of a
forceful gas explosion. Normal characteristics of Spak are flakes and/or an oil
slick on the surface of the bowl water.
Ruins of Civilization: Ruins of
Civilization are a collection of Turds, broken and whole, Nuggets and Boulders
with a smattering of Bowl Flakes. Destroying civilization is an arduous
undertaking, only for the truly ambitious.
Buoy : Shape and size as per the Turd,
but the Buoy floats with the tapered end facing down.
The Semifluous Yellow Wonder: Too
Much bile in the mix, accompanies mild to strong stomach upset.
The Napalm: Usually has very few
chunks, it comes out as a thick liquid. If there's any accompanying Spak, be
prepared to spend at least 20 minutes cleaning yourself, and another 10 cleaning
nearby surfaces.
The Preemptive Strike: An insidious
shape-shifter, the Preemptive Strike strives to get as little of itself in the
bowl as possible. It's favorite targets; Butt-Hugger Briefs, and toilet seats.
Preemptive Strike is extremely satisfied if it can hit office furniture.
The Pretender: As per the Biter, but
very small in size.
The Burning Star: Any Stool that
burns upon release.
Rev's Law of Grunt: "The more
energy one must expend to expel shit the smaller the shit will be."
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