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QUOTES |
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Real girls are never perfect; perfect girls are never real |
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No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. -H.L.Mencken |
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Men are like toilets. Either full of shit or taken. |
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| Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices that are just killing them. They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, married with children, unmarried with children, married with children and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children and no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, have the au pair have their children, etc. Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: we can work or we can go to jail. - Tim Allen |
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"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from." |
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She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The pitch flies, the crowd goes wild, and all I can see is her butt. -Howard |
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She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? -Ted, Wexford |
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Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. -Hubert Humphrey |
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My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong. - Unknown |
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Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with. |
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When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. -Jim |
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I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, not her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. -Dave, Martha's Vineyard |
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I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. - Bill Cosby |
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I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort? |
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When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?" |
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Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word, meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.-Robin Williams |
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There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Dustin Hoffman |
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We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms'." - Elayne Boosler |
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According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.- Robert De Niro |
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Our last fight was really my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' And I said, 'Dust!' |
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Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburgers costs $5. Use the hamburger. -Jeannie Dietz |
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My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary. |
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"I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?" A husband asked his wife.
"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears," she said. The man smiled. "You see how good I am for you?" he asked.
"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be worse than this one?'" |
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There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will. - Anonymous |
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it." |
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Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said...
"So why is the groom wearing black?" |
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. -Woody Allen |
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Mother: A relationship is about closeness.
Father. It IS about closeness. How close you come to killing her before you kill yourself. |
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