Michael Tolliver's Dirty Thirty

In the first chapter of Armistead Maupin's More Tales of the City, the hopeful romantic Michael "Mouse" Tolliver delivers a handmade Valentine to Mary Ann Singleton, a fellow denizen of 28 Barbary Lane with whom he is about to embark on an adventure.

Maupin describes Mouse's gift as "a handmade pastiche of Victorian cherubs, pressed flowers and red glitter." Inside, he had provided 10 numbered spaces for Mary Ann to list her "Valentines Resolutions."

He then produced a list of his own. Mouse and I have a lot in common.

Michael Tolliver's Dirty Thirty for '77

1. I will not call anyone nellie or butch, unless that is his name.
2. I will not assume that women who like me are fag hags.
3. I will stop expecting to meet Jan-Michael Vincent at the tubs.
4. I will inhale poppers only through the mouth.
5. I will not spend more than half an hour in the shower at the Y.
6. I will stop trying to figure out what color my handkerchief would be if I wore one.
7. I will buy a drink for a Fifties Queen sometime.
8. I will not persist in hoping that attractive men will turn out to be brainless and boring.
9. I will sign my real name at The Glory Holes.
10. I will ease back into religion by attending concerts at Grace Cathedral.
11. I will not cruise at Grace Cathedral.
12. I will not vote for anyone for Empress.
13. I will make friends with a straight man.
14. I will not make fun of the way he walks.
15. I will not tell him about Alexander the Great, Walt Whitman or Leonardo da Vinci.
16. I will not vote for politicians who use the term "Gay Community."
17. I will not cry when Mary Tyler Moore goes off the air.
18. I will not measure it, no matter who asks.
19. I will not hide the A-200.
20. I will not buy a Lacoste shirt, a Marimekko pillow, a secondhand letterman's jacket, an All-American Boy T-shirt, a razor blade necklace or a denim accessory of any kind.
21. I will learn to eat alone and like it.
22. I will not fantasize about firemen.
23. I will not tell anyone at home that I just haven't found the right girl yet.
24. I will wear a suit on Castro Street and feel comfortable about it.
25. I will not do impressions of Bette Davis, Tallulah Bankhead, Mae West or Paul Lynde.
26. I will not eat more than one It's-It in a single evening.
27. I will find myself acceptable.
28. I will meet somebody nice, away from a bar or the tubs or a roller-skating rink, and I will fall hopelessly but conventionally in love.
29. But I won't say I love you before he does.
30. The hell I won't.