Maluccieca’s Notes: As I apparently do not own BBMak, I have to own up and say that they tragically aren’t mine. At least, not yet.

 

Boogie Nights: Day Four

 

SCENE: Hotel lounge, the next morning.

 

DAVE: Good morning, everyone!

 

DEB: I’m rooming with you . . . how can I possibly have a good morning?

 

DAVE: That’s a nice blouse, Abby; did you get it at Goodwill?

 

LUKA: You can stop being nice now, Dave. We’re not going to the whorehouse.

 

DAVE: Damn.

 

ROMANO: (wistful) Well, you can’t say the asshole didn’t try.

 

PETER: So where are we going?

 

MARK: (anxiously) Nowhere with dingoes, I hope.

 

PETER: (indignantly) I like dingoes! OW!

 

LUKA: No, we’re not going to the casino today.

 

ABBY: Wow, I can gamble away all the cash that I don’t have.

 

JOHN enters the lounge.

 

JOHN: Good morning!

 

CLEO: Did you enjoy your room?

 

JOHN: Oh, yes. Luka, I can’t thank you enough.

 

LUKA: Don’t thank me. All the credit goes to Maluccieca.

 

ELIZABETH: Where are Kovacsgirl and Maluccieca, anyway?

 

KERRY: Weren’t they supposed to be here like fifteen minutes ago?

 

LUKA: (worried) I wonder what could possibly be detaining them . . .

 

SCENE: Kovacsgirl’s hotel room. She is typing frantically.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Finally! My new CSI fic is all done!

 

She sits back.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Hey! It’s freezing, why are the windows open?

 

She goes over to close the windows, and something flies in.

 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Spoiler detected!

 

KOVACSGIRL: What! You’re winged monkeys?!

 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: For now, since Maluccieca’s the one responsible. Take it up with her.

 

KOVACSGIRL: But you’re in my ER stories, and I just finished a CSI one. With NO spoilers, may I add.

 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Well, it was in “Boogie Nights: Day Three” . . . Dave referred to Dr. Finch as “HIV woman”.

 

KOVACSGIRL: So?

 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: So she’s not HIV woman until Elizabeth has her baby.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Gee, you just fly into my window at 7 in the morning to tell me that?

 

CENSOR MONKEY 1: Pretty much so.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Then what about Maluccieca?

 

SCENE: Meanwhile, at the CG people’s hotel, but in another room belonging to a BBMakster . . .

 

CHRISTIAN: Hey, take a look at that! What the hell is that coming up to the window?

 

STE: Maybe if we got Mark to play his bagpipes, it’d go away.

 

CHRISTIAN: No, it’d definitely go away if we got Mark to sing. (to “that”) Who are you?

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: I’m looking for Maluccieca.

 

STE: Malu-WHO? . . . Oh, do you mean ----?

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: Probably. (checks a piece of paper) According to the fic, if she’s not in her room, she said she’d be here, and that was all we needed to know.

 

STE: That IS all you need to know, man. (grimaces)

 

Enter MALUCCIECA and MARK.

 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, no. What’d I do?

 

MARK: You KNOW this funky monkey?

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: You KNOW this chunky monkey?

 

MARK: Hey!

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: Anyway, you have a spoiler.

 

MALUCCIECA: Let’s get technical at 7 in the morning.

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: You told Dave to watch it because he went to Mark’s wedding with two dates in “Boogie Nights, Day Three”.

 

MALUCCIECA: Oh, PUH-LEESE.

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2: The baby hasn’t come, and he’s not married yet, so until that happens – 

 

MALUCCIECA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, no more spoilers . . . bye guys, catch you later.

 

CENSOR MONKEY 2 and MALUCCIECA exit.

 

MARK: (sputtering) I’m getting married? What? 

 

 

 

SCENE: Random street, County General people are walking.

 

DAVE: Hey, Abby.

 

ABBY: What?

 

DAVE: Don’t look now, but I could have sworn that I saw your mother like two seconds ago.

 

ABBY: AAAARGH! HIDE ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!

 

DAVE: Just kidding.

 

ABBY: Why, you . . . 

 

ELIZABETH: I thought this casino was walking distance.

 

LUKA: It is.

 

ELIZABETH: For a pregnant woman?

 

ROMANO: Lizzy, would you like me to call you a cab?

 

MARK: No, but she would like you to disappear.

 

ROMANO: Is your name Lizzy?

 

MARK: No, but I think I spoke for everyone when I said that.

 

ELIZABETH: Oh! I feel dizzy! Everything’s spinning!

 

MARK: Quick! We need to get her to a hospital!

 

ELIZABETH: Just kidding!

 

DEB: Isn’t it this casino?

 

LUKA: No, I’m sure it’s that one. (points)

 

DEB: No, I’m pretty sure it’s this one . . . see the sign?

 

SIGN: Chico DeMille Publishing, Inc. and Prozac welcome Cook County General!

 

ABBY: What?

 

JOHN: Oh, you know, the companies that sponsored our trip.

 

KOVACSGIRL and MALUCCIECA are running towards them, and skid to a halt like Garfield (or Dave!) does when he sees food.

 

KOVACSGIRL & MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant*

 

KERRY: It’s about time.

 

KOVACSGIRL: (sarcastically) We – (pant) – just – (pant) – decided to make a grand appearance, that’s all.

 

MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant*

 

JOHN: Geez, even I could make a better excuse.

 

KERRY: Drugs don’t count.

 

PETER: Dude, you can quit drugs. It’s really simple. 

 

JOHN: Really?

 

PETER: Yeah. Just say no.

 

JOHN: Oh. But you’re not the Surgeon General.

 

PETER: I am now.

 

LUKA: (crosses arms and ‘hems’ at the authors) What REALLY happened? Busy again, I suppose?

 

KOVACSGIRL: I wasn’t!

 

MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant*

 

MARK: Oh, God.

 

MALUCCIECA: (whistles with all the breath she has left)

 

DAVE: You dirty little whore!

 

MALUCCIECA: I’m not dirty, I’m not little, and I’m not a whore!!!!!

 

DEB: Ha.

 

MALUCCIECA: Two words: Censor Monkeys.

 

KOVACSGIRL: So you’d better make an apology now.

 

EVERYONE ELSE: SORRY!

 

KOVACSGIRL: Okay. Now – (pulls M-CIECA aside) – we’re not exactly allowed in here.

 

MALUCCIECA: What do you mean? You practically sponsored the trip, how could they not let you in?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Good point.

 

Everyone enters the casino.

 

LUKA: I’m in heaven! . . . Wait, no, not till I get to Graceland!

 

ABBY: I’ve never seen so much money!

 

ROMANO: Tumor Boy!

 

MARK: What?

 

ROMANO: Oh, you suck, you answered to it. 

 

MARK: GRRRRR!

 

ROMANO: I challenge you now . . . whoever has the most money when we leave marries Lizzy.

 

ELIZABETH: That’s a good idea.

 

MARK: Hold on, you’d have to marry me anyway.

 

ELIZABETH: Oh, right. Our child wouldn’t be legitimate now, would it?

 

ROMANO: What the hell, I still challenge you!

 

MARK: You’re on!

 

A guy with a messenger bag walks up to JOHN.

 

GUY: PSSST. (whispers loudly) I’ve got THE STUFF.

 

JOHN: Oh, here, let me pay you. (reaches into pockets) Here you go, and here you go. Thanks

 

for hooking me up, Jim.

 

JIMMY: (looks at money) Thanks for the two hundred dollar tip.

 

JOHN: Hey, hey, hey, give that back.

 

JIMMY: (sighs) Dammit.

 

KOVACSGIRL: (thunders) YOU!

 

JIMMY: (turns pale) Uh-oh . . . 

 

MALUCCIECA: (thundering louder) YOU!

 

JIMMY: (turns even paler) BIG UH-OH . . .

 

KOVACSGIRL: HOW DARE YOU DISTRIBUTE DRUGS IN MY CASINO! ESPECIALLY TO HIM!

 

JIMMY: I couldn’t make the transaction in Chicago, it would’ve been too obvious. 

 

MALUCCIECA: “Transaction”, huh? Jimmy, what the HELL are you doing here!?!?

 

JIMMY: Uh . . . I don’t know. I suddenly appeared.

 

KOVACSGIRL: How do you know this drug dealer?

 

JOHN: How do you know my drug dealer?

 

MALUCCIECA: Long story. I’m not going to incriminate myself, so I won’t talk about it. Jimmy, since I’m nice and won’t call the police, I’ll give you approximately ten seconds to get your sorry ass out of here, starting now.

 

JIMMY: But, ----, I just fucking appeared!

 

MALUCCIECA: So disappear!

 

JIMMY: Fine. I’ll see you when you get back.

 

MALUCCIECA: Whatever.

 

JIMMY gets his sorry ass out of the casino.

 

KOVACSGIRL: (to JOHN) Hand them over. NOW.

 

JOHN: (whimpers) Awww, do I have to?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Do you want to get evicted from the premises?

 

JOHN sighs and turns over his “stuff” to KOVACSGIRL, who throws it in a dumpster nearby.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Don’t let me hear that you’ve been wallowing in that dumpster. Understand?

 

JOHN: (sad) Okay.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Good.

 

DAVE: I wish I had more money...

 

DEB: You walked in here with 300 bucks!

 

DAVE: I gambled it all away on Russian Roulette

 

KOVACSGIRL: I wrote a fic titled that.

 

JOHN: Yeah, about Moi!

 

MALUCCIECA: Great. Not this argument again.  

 

LUKA: Well La-De-Da.

 

JOHN: And NOT about you

 

LUKA: Well she’s in the middle of writing a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fic about moi.

 

JOHN: Is that true.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Only slightly. I’m going to screw that one soon.

 

JOHN: HA!

 

KOVACSGIRL (pounding on her laptop): I wonder if I can get backwards “R’s” on this thingie...

 

CLEO: Ah, ye of little attention.

 

DAVE and KOVACSGIRL: What?

 

DAVE: Oh, look! Three dollars!

 

DEB: Great.

 

JOHN: Maybe if I can win lots of money.

 

KOVACSGIRL and MALUCCIECA: Don’t even think about it.

 

CLEO: Yeah white boy! You have loads of dinero.

 

MARK: Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to talk in Spanish.

 

ROMANO: Where’s Translator Bambi?

 

ELIZABETH: Robert!

 

KERRY: Yeah!

 

PETER: Nasty!

 

A nearby casino machine rings.

 

ROMANO: I’m rich!

 

MARK: What the hell?

 

ELIZABETH: Oh, Robert! I really do love you more! Kiss me!

 

ROMANO: Okay!

 

ELIZABETH: I’m sorry I called you a horrid little turd.

 

ROMANO: That’s ok--- WHAT?!?!

 

ELIZABETH: Heh, Heh.

 

DAVE: Let’s go get dinner.

 

SCENE: A nice Italian Restaurant.

 

DAVE: Now this is my kind of place!

 

KERRY: Why?

 

DAVE: I’m part Italian, ya know.

 

JOHN (wearing a new, expensive shirt): Heh, Heh. With that meddlesome Kovacsgirl gone, I’m free to get a high as I want!

 

MARK (depressed): Yeah *Sob* where is she?

 

LUKA: Oh no...

 

DAVE: And Maluccieca?

 

KERRY: Do you know what that means?

 

EVERYONE ELSE: Not exactly...

 

KERRY: We can do whatever we want!!!

 

MARK: No wonder you’re the head of the ER!

 

KERRY: Why?

 

MARK: You’re smart!

 

KERRY: I guess I am!

 

CLEO: So, how are we going to mess this fic up?

 

JOHN: I’ll buy drugs!

 

EVERYONE: DUH!!!!

 

DAVE: I’ll eat until...no! I’ll break into the kitchen!

 

ROMANO: I’ll become a hunter from Kenya and trap the flying Censor Monkeys.

 

ELIZABETH: Oh! I love the Kenyan Hunter types!

 

DEB: I’ll be the evil witch from The Wizard of Oz!

 

CLEO: And that would be a difference how?

 

DEB: OW!

 

ABBY: Good one Cleo

 

They high-five each other.

 

KERRY: I think I’ll invite Kim over, if that’s okay Luka.

 

LUKA: Of course! The more the merrier!

 

ROMANO: ‘Er Little Monkeys!

 

ELIZABETH: Robert! You’re British accent it better than mine!

 

ROBERT: Got’em!

 

DEB (In Witch outfit): I’ll get you my pretty...and your little dog too!

 

JOHN: Why is the sky floating?

 

MARK: Did you ever wonder why “monkeys” is spelled M-O-N-K-E-Y-S instead of M-O-N-K-E-I-E-S?

 

DAVE: Yeah! I’m going to go raid the kitchen.

 

ABBY: Where’s Kerry?

 

LUKA: Abby, you don’t want to know.

 

ABBY: Oh.

 

DAVE: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!!!!!!

 

COOKIE: Get out of my kitchen!!!

 

DAVE: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!

 

DEB: Fly My Pretties!

 

JOHN passes out.

 

LUKA: CRAP! CARTER’S OUT!   

 

ROMANO: Call the Paramedics!

 

ELIZABETH: Yeah!

 

MARK: We ARE the Paramedics!

 

EVERYONE ELSE: HELP!!!

 

KOVACSGIRL: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?! THE FIC JUST GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER!

 

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: I think you need our help ma’am.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Who the hell are you?

 

MONKEY IN BALCK 2: We’re the MONKEYS IN BLACK!

 

KOVACSGIRL: ????

 

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: We can erase all their memories of this dinner and get them back to normal.

 

KOVACSGIRL: There’s a NORMAL in this fic?

 

MONKEY IN BLACK 2: You know what we mean.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Fine. Just get me out of this chaos!

 

MONKEY IN BLACK 1: Stand Back!

 

MEMORY ERASING BANANA: ZAP!!!

DAVE: Where are we?

 

MARK: I don’t know...

 

KOVACSGIRL: Whew!

 

DAVE: Can we go to a whorehouse? 

 

KOVACSGIRL: NOT AGAIN!!!!