Kovacsgirl’s Notes: Well, need a new disclaimer, ‘cause I managed to work CSI in here too. So, I do not own CSI either, contrary to popular belief. Also, check out my website to find the fic that started it all: Travels With Us. http://www.geocities.com/chicago_kewlkat.

 

---Day Three---

 

---@ The Vegas Crime Lab---

 

NICK: ...and here is the autopsy room.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Ohhh! A dead body! Cool!

 

(A pager rings and KOVACSGIRL glances at it)

 

KOVACSGIRL: Damn.

 

NICK: What?

 

KOVACKSGIRL: I have a story to write. See ya later.

 

NICK: Uh, okay.

 

---Back @ the C.G. people’s hotel---

 

DAVE: I AM HUNGRY! FEED ME!!!

 

DEB: You are hopeless. Hey, Kerry, did John ever come out of his...relapse?

 

KERRY: Uh, probably... We had to screen his suitcases and everything for drugs.

 

DEB: I think I’ll go see him. (Heads for the elevators but stops.) Which room did he have again?

 

LUKA: (looking up from the paper) We forgot to give him a room, so he had to sleep in the limo.

 

DEB and ABBY: What!!!

 

LUKA: You snooze, you lose. Or, I guess in his case, you get high, you lose.

 

DEB: You are a mean man.

 

LUKA: I’d watch what I say if I were you. You don’t want to be sent to live with the dingoes in the zoo do you?

 

PETER: Did someone say “DINGOES!?” I love dingoes.

 

ROMANO: I like pigmies.

 

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

 

ABBY: Romano, you like pigmies?

 

ROMANO: Yes!

 

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

 

ABBY: Why?

 

ROMANO: They’re short and they shoot darts. What’s not to like?

 

DEB: I think I heard that quote from “Fraiser” once.

 

PETER: Dingoes, Dingoes, Dingoes!

 

CLEO: Oh shut up already! (CLEO smacks PETER upside the head with a plate. It breaks.)

 

PETER: Thanks. I needed that.

 

DAVE: I’M DAMN HUNGRY. WILL SOMEONE FEED ME ALREADY!?

 

CLEO: (also whacking DAVE upside the head): SHUT UP YOU LAZY BUM! FEED YOURSELF.

 

DAVE: DON’T CALL ME A LAZY BUM, HIV WOMAN!

 

CLEO: I---AM---WOUNDED!!!!!

 

DAVE: Good.

 

LUKA: That was a little bit too melodramatic.

 

CLEO: WHAT!!!! (Waves a fist at LUKA)

 

LUKA: Uh, nothing... Do you want to have to walk back to Chicago?

 

CLEO: No.

 

LUKA: Then shape up missy!

 

CLEO: Okay.

 

ABBY: By the by, where is Elizabeth?

 

KERRY: Morning Sickness.

 

ROMANO: What!? And I’m not there to help! I’m outta here! (runs out of the room)

 

KERRY: Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.

 

KOVACSGIRL: *Pant, Pant*

 

KERRY: Where have you been?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Um, in an autopsy room...

 

KERRY: Where?

 

KOVACSGIRL: In the Crime Lab...

 

KERRY: With whom?

 

KOVACGIRL: With... Hey, wait! You’re not my mother! I’m under no obligation to tell you!

 

KERRY: Oh, sorry.

 

KOVACSGIRL: You damn well better be!

 

MALUCCIECA: Kovacsgirl!

 

KOVACSGIRL: MM?

 

MALUCCIECA: Where have you been?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Busy?

 

MALUCCIECA: You’re late!

 

KOVACSGIRL: You’re starting to sound like Kerry!

 

MALUCCIECA: I am

 

KERRY: She is? I mean, that’s bad?

 

KOVACSGIRL: I don’t know! I’m not TPTB!

 

DAVE: (Food hanging from the corners of his mouth) Mhat?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to speak with your mouth full.

 

DAVE: Mrobably.

 

MALUCCIECA: TPTB stands for “The Powers That Be.”

 

DAVE: Oh...

 

ABBY: Deep. Very Deep.

 

DEB: I’m bored.

 

ABBY: Me too.

 

PETER: I like dingoes.

 

CLEO: AGH! (Smacks PETER again)

 

PETER: Stop it Cleo! That hurts.

 

DAVE: I have an idea...

 

EVERYONE, SAVE MALUCCIECA AND KOVACSGIRL, WHO ARE CRINGING: WHAT!

 

DAVE: A whorehouse.

 

ABBY: Oh... fun.

 

DAVE: I thought so too.

ABBY: I was being sarcastic. Couldn’t you tell?

 

PETER: I used to have that problem... Until I met a dingo. OW!

 

DEB: I don’t even want to know...

 

KERRY: Let’s find a better, non-X rated activity.

 

DAVE: Awwwww...

 

KOVACSGIRL: Where the hell is John?

 

(EVERYONE looks at one another.)

 

PETER: You’re the author, you should know.

 

KOVACSGIRL: For you information, I was very busy last night.

 

LUKA: I’ll bet. (Under his breath) Dirty Little Whore.

 

KOVACSGIRL: I HEARD THAT! And no, that’s not why I was busy.

 

KERRY: Why then?

 

KOVACSGIRL: You don’t think this is the only story I’m working on, do you?

 

CLEO: Well. I was kinda hoping...

 

KOVACSGIRL: Its not. Plus, I had to work on Russian.

 

LUKA: Why?

 

KOVACSGIRL: I’m learning it.

 

LUKA: Why?

 

KOVACSGIRL: ‘Cause I want to.

 

DEB: I thought you were talking in Russian on the phone in the limo yesterday.

 

KOVACSGIRL: I’m no damn beginner.

 

DEB: Of course not.

 

ABBY: So where are we going?

 

KOVACSGIRL: Will someone tell me where the hell John is?

 

CLEO: Well, uh... lets just say somewhere he just lifted his head from a puddle of drool.

 

KOVACSGIRL:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

CLEO: Man, that was a lot of O’s.

 

PETER: I like dingoes. OW!

 

---The Limo---

 

JOHN (W/his head in a puddle of drool): What? Where am I?

 

He looks up around him.

 

JOHN: (small voice) Rena?

 

DAVE: Awww, why can’t we go to the whorehouse?

 

MALUCCIECA: Awww, why won’t you guys listen to him?

 

MARK: Awww, will you shut up?

 

MALUCCIECA: That’s it; you’re dying a painful death.

 

LUKA: (coughs) Remember our agreement?

 

KOVACSGIRL: She’s sorry.

 

LUKA: Okay.

 

KOVACSGIRL: (to MALUCCIECA) Why are there circles under your eyes?

 

MALUCCIECA: I went on a date . . . 

 

DAVE & KOVACSGIRL: With whom?

 

MALUCCIECA: Who were you in the crime lab with?

 

KOVACSGIRL: With – ewww!

 

ALL: What?

 

KOVACSGIRL: My hand landed on a puddle of drool. 

 

She looks down and sees our darling John.

 

KOVACSGIRL: What happened to you?

 

JOHN: Someone didn’t give me a room!

 

LUKA: Gee, I wonder how that could have happened.

 

 

 

SCENE: Later, at some funky restaurant.

 

DAVE: (grumpy) This is so not a whorehouse.

 

JOHN: You’re right; it’s the Hard Rock Café.

 

DAVE: (smiles) What the hell, its food! I’m happy now!

 

ELIZABETH: Oh, look, over there!

 

CLEO, PETER, & ROMANO: What?

 

ELIZABETH: The Beatles’ autograph! This sucks!

 

MARK: Here, I’ll take a picture of you next to them!

 

ELIZABTH: Nooooooo . . . 

 

KERRY: What’s wrong?

 

ELIZABETH: (sobbing) I can’t get a picture next to them! The whole picture’ll be my stomach! 

 

DAVE: Are pregnant women always this emotional?

 

MARK, ROMANO, & JING-MEI: SHUT UP!

 

LUKA: Oh, look! A whole wall dedicated to Elvis!

 

ABBY: (to group) His role model.

 

CLEO: I don’t wanna know . . . is it because of the hair grease?

 

MALUCCIECA: (disgusted) OH MY GOD!!!!!

 

JING-MEI: What?

 

MALUCCIECA: Who’s got a cellie?

 

DAVE: I do!

 

MALUCCIECA: And how are you paying that off?

 

DAVE: You wanna use it or not?

 

MALUCCIECA: Okay. (dials) Hi! Mark? . . . oh, sorry, honey . . . You never told me you made it to the Hard Rock Café! . . . when did that happen?

 

DAVE: (to K-girl) Who’s she talking to?

 

MALUCCIECA: I’m so proud of you! Hold on, how’m I better than the Hard Rock Café? . . . you perv! . . . no, never mind, don’t get him. Okay. I’ll see you later. Bye.

 

DAVE: Hold on, how can you be better than the Hard Rock Café? They make food!

 

MALUCCIECA: Because I got more than his autograph . . . 

 

KOVACSGIRL: Something tells me that that wasn’t Mark.

 

MALUCCIECA: You’re right, that wasn’t.

 

DAVE: You little whore!

 

MALUCCIECA: I’d watch it if I were you, sweetie, didn’t you go to Mark’s wedding with two dates?

 

WAITRESS WITH RED HAIR: Can I take your order?

 

LUKA: As you can tell, we’re so not ready.

 

WAITRESS: Well, do you want any drinks?

 

The table goes around and orders because I’m too lazy to write it all down.

 

WAITRESS: (to Luka) Have you decided yet?

 

LUKA: Um, I’m tempted to order a –

 

 

 

ABBY: NO.

 

LUKA: All right, get in the limo and pack your bags . . . 

 

DAVE: I have an order!

 

JING-MEI: What, the whole menu?

 

DAVE: Actually, half of that . . . and maybe you OR our waitress.

 

Deb slaps him with a menu.

 

ROMANO: Say, what’s your name?

 

WAITRESS: Cherry. Like –

 

LUKA: Cherry coke, please.

 

ABBY: (sighs) Oh, God.

 

 

 

SCENE: Later, as they are bumming around in the streets . . .

 

ELIZABETH: My feet hurt. We’ve been walking around looking for that whorehouse for a whole hour and we have not found it yet!

 

ROMANO: I’ll carry you, Lizzie!

 

MARK: NO.

 

ELIZABETH: What happened to the limo?

 

LUKA: We need exercise.

 

DAVE: Abby! Look over there!

 

ABBY: I don’t see anything.

 

DAVE: Made ya look.

 

LUKA: Dave . . .

 

DAVE: Holy crap, man, did you just growl at me?!

 

PETER: This is so sad. The most productive thing we’ve done all day is go to the Hard Rock Café and now we’re searching for a whorehouse.

 

DAVE: Shut up, you know you want entertainment tomorrow night.

 

PETER: Why the hell not?

 

CLEO: You ------- !!!!!!!!!!!

 

PETER: Calm down, Cleo.

 

CLEO: I’ve been hurt twice today! Oh my God! 

 

JING-MEI: There’s a first time for everything.

 

MALUCCIECA: Trust me, if I can like a guy at my school, there really is a first time for anything.

 

KERRY: Right now I’m just waiting for everyone to shut up.

 

LUKA: (throws back his head and howls like a wolf)

 

MALUCCIECA: Relax, it’s only mid-afternoon, and there’s no full moon tonight.

 

KOVACSGIRL shoots her a LOOK.

 

MALUCCIECA: Well, there won’t be if Mark doesn’t go to the pool.

 

MARK: Hey!

 

MALUCCIECA: Not you, God! MY Mark, Mark-who-is-rooming-next-door-to-me-Mark.

 

DAVE: What does he do?

 

MALUCCIECA: He’s in a band.

 

DEB: Really?

 

MALUCCIECA: A “band”. A quote, unquote, band.

 

KERRY: Are they any good?

 

MALUCCIECA: I think they suck. But whatever . . .

 

PETER: What’s the name of this band?

 

MALUCCIECA mumbles something inaudibly.

 

ALL: WHAT?!

 

MALUCCIECA: Yes, I admit it! Dave, what is your problem?

 

DAVE: (with starry look in his eye) Did you say “Big Mac”? Yum!

 

KOVACSGIRL: Oh my GOD. Don’t tell me you like BBMak!

 

MALUCCIECA: I didn’t say that!

 

ALL: EWWWWW!

 

MALUCCIECA: Hey, if it’s gross for you, it’s grosser for me! I *like* them . . . sort of . . .

 

LUKA: Hey, they’re cool! They actually play guitars, like Elvis! (pause) Like Elvis . . .

 

ABBY: Oh, no.

 

LUKA throws back his head for another insane wolf howl.

 

JOHN: (nods at lady on street who is staring at them) He ain’t nothing but a hound dog.

 

ABBY: (cringing) I think the Cherry Coke is starting to kick in . . . 

 

SCENE: Hotel. LUKA, KOVACSGIRL, MALUCCIECA, and JOHN are standing outside a door.

 

LUKA: So we managed to scrounge up something for you.

 

JOHN: Gee, thanks, Luka!

 

LUKA unlocks the door. One by one, they all file in.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Well, look at that! You have a room all to yourself!

 

MALUCCIECA: Hey, he’s sparing the others . . . 

 

KOVACSGIRL: Erase that!

 

MALUCCIECA: Too late. All the Carter lovers will have to deal with it.

 

LUKA: All right, so we’ll see you tomorrow! Good night! (LUKA, K-GIRL, & M-CIECA exit room)

 

CARTER: Oh, boy.

 

He looks around.

 

CARTER: (all excited) Hey, a container of bleach! I can get high on this! Awesome! 

 

SCENE: Outside.

 

MALUCCIECA: Sounds like he’s enjoying the supply closet.

 

KOVACSGIRL: Let’s go visit Nick at the Crime Lab.

 

MALUCCIECA: Okay.