Boogie
Nights
Day 2
SCENE:
Limousine taking the CCGH staff.
JOHN: (on
cell phone) I miss you already!
DEB: Does
anyone realize that he’s only said that a hundred times so far?
CLEO:
Hey, White Boy! (slaps Carter) I don’t have a thousand free minutes on that
phone, you know.
JOHN: If
I paid for it, would you still say that?
CLEO:
You’re probably using all your money on drugs.
JOHN:
Just because I pop a few pills every now and then doesn’t mean I’m a druggie.
Everyone
begins humming and staring innocently into space.
JOHN:
Right, guys?
No one
looks at him.
JOHN:
Deb?
DEB: No
comment.
JOHN:
Dave?
DAVE:
(stuffing his face) Whokerkagl?
JOHN:
Believe what you want. I’ll have you know that I bruise very easily.
KERRY:
Dave and Luka, I just want to thank you for almost sending us back to Chicago.
LUKA: Why
are you blaming me? Dave was the one who suggested setting the plane on fire!
Besides, I won the trip.
KERRY:
Touché.
ROMANO:
Yeah, what was that about, Malatucci?
DAVE:
(burps) Whoa, that Bordeaux wine was good! Man, I gotta move on to
wine-tasting….
ROMANO:
Answer the question.
DAVE:
(shrugs) Just a suggestion. I mean, God, you just put the words “fire” and
“plane” in one sentence and everyone
already thinks you’re an arsonist…..
DEB: I
believe your exact words were, “LET’S SET THE PLANE ON FIRE!”
DAVE:
Maybe they were, but that wasn’t supposed to mean anything.
PETER:
Then what does?
DAVE:
Hey, I never told you what happens when I get the urge to dance.
MARK: Do
we want to know?
DAVE: I
also sing crazy songs, say things I don’t really mean –
ABBY:
Then why didn’t you just save us the trouble and become a dancer?
DAVE: I
did that in college.
ROMANO:
“Dave” and “college” in one sentence?
CLEO: That’s
scary.
DEB:
Unless it was, “Dave didn’t study in college”.
DAVE:
Maybe so, but let’s not get into that.
MARK: You
say things you don’t mean? Damn, what’s your excuse for the rest of the time?
DAVE:
So-orry. Hey, Chief, pass me an éclair……
ELIZABETH:
Luka, why did you go along with it?
ABBY:
Yeah, you hadn’t even consumed any Cherry Coke at that point!
LUKA: You
want me to kick you out of the limo?
EVERYONE
MINUS DAVE: NO!
LUKA:
Then lay off.
KERRY:
Hey, I didn’t do anything.
JOHN:
Look! A sign for the Blue Man Group!
DEB:
Ohhhh! The Blue Men! I wanna see them!
DAVE: If
you wanna see a blue man, you could just check me out in a scrub top.
DEB: No,
really?
PETER:
Yes!
EVERYONE:
What?
PETER:
Sarcasm! Yeah buddy! I GOT THAT!!!
Everyone
claps. John giggles.
EVERYONE:
What?
JOHN:
Inside joke about the Blue Men.
LUKA: Oh,
really? Care to share it with us?
JOHN:
Cleo, I need to call Rena and ask if that’s OK…..
CLEO: NO.
JOHN:
Grouchy, grouchy.
BOB, THE
CHAUFFEUR: There’s a cell phone here in the limo you can use, sonny.
EVERYONE:
NO!!!!
PETER:
So…..what are the sleeping arrangements?
LUKA:
(eyes pop) We have sleeping arrangements?
PETER:
Shouldn’t we?
LUKA: I’d
say, first come, first serve….. four to a room max.
DAVE: I’m
calling Jing-mei.
DEB:
Kerry, save me!
KERRY:
That did not sound right…… I’m surprised, he quit stuffing his face long enough
to place dibs on you.
DEB: I
don’t care, SOMEONE else please room with him!
LUKA: Too
late. My trip. Besides, I’ve always wanted to put you together. Next?
DEB: You
did not! That’s just your line.
LUKA:
What the hell, I’ll do the assignments. Kerry, you and Cleo in one room.
CLEO:
Hey, hey, don’t I get to room with Peter?
LUKA:
Officially, no….
PETER:
Why?
LUKA:
Because you are rooming with Mark, Romano, and Elizabeth.
ROMANO: I
always thought that if I roomed with Lizzy I wouldn’t have to share her with
two other guys.
MARK: You
know what, pipsqueak? Of two out of three guys, she’s gone out with everyone
but you!
ELIZABETH:
Oh my God my water broke!
MARK:
AGHHH!!! Not when we’re vacationing! (taps her belly) Daddy told you to wait!
ELIZABETH:
Just kidding, sweetie.
LUKA: And
that leaves Abby, but she’s with me.
Deb grabs
a slice of Corday’s pizza out of Dave’s mouth.
DAVE:
Hey! I’m eating here!
DEB:
Luka, how much did he pay you to make the sleeping arrangements?
LUKA:
None, I swear.
DEB:
Liar.
PETER:
Pants on fire.
KERRY:
Noooo! Not fire!
PETER:
Sitting on a telephone wire.
JOHN:
Wow, Reese’s lullabies must have gotten to you.
ELIZABETH:
Dave, you’re eating my pizza!
DAVE: Ha!
Second slice I’ve nicked and you didn’t notice!
ELIZABETH:
You eat like a pregnant woman.
DAVE: If
that was a compliment, thank you very much.
ABBY:
Have you noticed how many lines Dave has? Even when he’s not eating?
JOHN:
That’s because Dave is the author’s favorite character.
LUKA:
Please don’t tell me you’re omnipotent for the rest of the trip.
JOHN: If
you want me to, I can be.
CLEO:
Then why aren’t you the favorite? I thought you were!
JOHN:
Because. That’s the other author. Duh, don’t you know anything?
DAVE:
Awesome! I’m someone’s favorite character?
DEB: I
told you this was a show. (mumbles) Estupido…..
MARK: Oh!
Hablas espanol tambien?
PETER:
Nooooo! I thought that was over! (to Deb) Since when did you learn Spanish?
DEB:
After “Independence Day”. (sticks tongue out at Dave)
DAVE: Not
yet, Jing-mei.
DEB:
GRRRR! Oh my GOD! I’m rooming with HIM!!!
CLEO:
See, Peter, I told you there were SO two authors.
KERRY:
Here they come now!
LUKA:
Kovacsgirl --- and who’s this?
Enter
Kovacsgirl and friend.
KOVACSGIRL:
You don’t remember my name?
LUKA:
Ummm…. It’s…
MARK:
Deb! Ella lo sabe!
(DAVE:
Translation: Deb knows…)
LUKA:
Don’t tell me! I forgot! Oh!….
KOVACSGIRL:
Well, that’s okay.
PETER:
Then who’s this?
GIRL
(MALUCCIECA): It’s me.
ABBY:
That sounds like a knock-knock joke.
MARK: Mi
favorito!
KERRY:
Let’s not go there.
MALUCCIECA:
Come on, don’t you know me?
DAVE: Oh,
you!
MALUCCIECA:
The one and only.
DAVE:
That’s not your name. Don’t you have another? Isn’t it –
MALUCCIECA:
That’s still me.
DEB: I
know! You were one of the first people to start writing about me! Thank you!
MALUCCIECA:
You’re welcome. C’mon, Deb –
DEB:
Don’t call me Deb.
MALUCCIECA:
But it says here ---
DEB: Yeah
I noticed but DO NOT CALL ME DEB! Only Carter can do that!
MALUCCIECA:
Jing-Mei, don’t you know that there are others out there who would kill to room
with Dave?
DEB: Like
who?
MALUCCIECA:
*whistles *
DEB: Room
with him!
MALUCCIECA:
Sorry, I can’t. Mark Barry’s next door to me.
ROMANO:
Who the hell is that?
MALUCCIECA:
I’ll explain later…. All you need to know is that he’s next door.
KOVACSGIRL:
Oh yes, very important. If I can’t find her to write some more, then I’ll know
where she is.
LUKA: So,
where are you going to be? *Hint, Hint*
KOVACSGIRL:
I promised myself I wouldn’t get into trouble during this trip. Plus I have a
date with a certain Nick Stokes...
LUKA:
Who?
KOVACSGIRL:
From CSI.
LUKA:
What?
KOVACSGIRL:
Don’t you ever watch TV?
LUKA:
Uh...I take the fifth!
JOHN: Not
again!
MARK: Me
llamo es Mark Greene. Yo soy Chicago.
ROMANO:
My god, they really did tweak with his brain!
CLEO: Am
I the only one not getting paid this time?
KOVACSGIRL:
No-one’s getting paid! Luka really won the trip.
LUKA:
That’s right! And I’ll send you all back...
EVERYONE,
SAVE DAVE: NOOOO!!! WE LOVE YOU LUKA!
LUKA:
That’s more like it.
KOVACSGIRL:
So, did I hear someone say we have a cell-phone in here?
BOB:
Yeah.
KOVACGIRL:
Can I use it?
BOB:
Yeah.
JOHN: I
call it after K-girl!
DEB: GOD
DAMNIT NO!
JOHN: All
right, keep your shirt on.
DAVE: No,
I think she should take it off!!!
(DEB
slaps him with a random suitcase.)
DEB: Take
that, and that, and that...
CLEO:
HEY! That’s my suitcase!
DEB: Too
bad, we all had you anyway!
CLEO:
Wh-wh-what? You all hate me?
EVERYONE
SAVE KOVACSGIRL, WHO IS ON THE PHONE: *whistle*
CLEO:
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Peter, take them out!
PETER:
Well, I was thinking...
DAVE: Go
Peatie!
PETER:
ERRRRRRRRRR! DON’T CALL ME PEATIE! YOU’E DAMAGED MY PRIDE MAN! THAT MEANS
DEATH!
MALUCCIECA:
NO! DON’T KILL DAVE!
KOVACSGIRL:
Blah, blah (In Russian, as she is making a long distance call to St.
Petersburg.)
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: Hey, what’s going on!
BOB: Yo,
dudes, keep it down, I can’t concentrate!
JOHN:
Does anyone have some Phentonal, I mean a fan?
ABBY: I
knew it!
ROMANO:
You’re still snipping drugs!
KERRY:
Carter! How could you?
JOHN: No,
it’s not like that, I mean, I’m clean!
ROMANO:
TAR AND FEATHER HIM!
KERRY:
Yeah...What?!?!
KOVACSGIRL:
Keep it---Who said John was a drug sniper?
(All
point to ABBY)
ABBY:
Well, I...
KOVACSGIRL:
I should have known! I hate Abby!
ABBY:
HEY!
KOVASGIRL:
How could you do this to poor John. Can you hold on a minute Ev? (Sets down
phone) Let me just erase this part...
MALUCCIECA:
No!
KOVACSGIRL:
What?
MALUCCIECA:
Keep it in there.
KOVACSGIRL:
The Censor Monkeys won’t like it.
MALUCCIECA:
Why?
KOVACSGIRL:
I don’t know... (Whispers) If you ask me, I think they’re the ones who are
high!
MALUCCIECA:
Well, screw the Censor Monkeys!
KOVACSGIRL:
Well... OKAY!
PETER:
Wow, a half page of conversation between the authors!
KOVACSGIRL
AND MALUCCIECA: SHUT UP!!!!
PETER:
Christ, don’t loose your shirts!
LUKA AND
DAVE: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
Oooookay. Uh, well I’ve got to go, I’m staying at the MGM grand, so here’s my
stop.
LUKA:
You’re not at our hotel?
KOVACSGIRL:
Hell No! This place it much better!
DAVE: I’m
hungry.
MARK: Si,
yo tambien. Y tu, Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH:
Um, I took French in high school, what did he say?
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: He said “Yes, me too. And you Elizabeth?”
ELIZABETH:
Who the hell are you?
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: I’m “Translator Bambi.” Specially programmed to translate Spanish!
PETER:
You look like a Barbie.
JOHN
(high): Look at all the pretty colors.
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: Oh, Barbie is a corporate sponsored toy. To cut back on legal costs,
they made me!
ROMANO:
Come sit on my lap, pretty girl!
KERRY:
WHAT legal costs?
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: Oh, you know if they get sued...
KERRY:
Who is “they.”
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: Oh, Chico DeMille Publishing, Inc.
MALUCCIECA:
K-girl’s company.
EVERYONE,
SAVE HIGH JOHN: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JOHN:
Mommy, I don’t want to take a bath!
LUKA:
Good thing K-girl isn’t here to see this... But I miss her so!
KERRY:
You really like her don’t you!
ABBY: I
knew you didn’t love me! Out of my sight!
LUKA: Do
you want to go back to Chicago, without the airfare being paid. Or not flying
at all?
ABBY: Oh,
sorry.
LUKA: I
LOVE all this power.
JOHN: Oh,
Rena, of course you can *CENSORED*
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: What? You don’t think we want an NC-17 fic on our hand do you?
BOB: Here
we are at your hotel!
EVERYONE:
OHHHHHHHHHHH! AWWWWWWWWWW!
FAN
FICTION FAIRY: That’s AWE, not AW!
EVERYONE:
AWE!
FAN FICTION FAIRY: Why do I even try?