Rachel:
This is the first time I’ve ever worked with someone on fluff fanfic, so I’ll
warn you people to start expecting something kinda crazy.
Sarah:
Legal mumbo-jumbo here... Can never be too careful. Anyway, this is my first
collaboration w/anyone, and I’m very pleased to be doing it w/Rachel. Please
enjoy.
Boogie
Nights
Day
1
SCENE:
O’Hare Int’l Airport.
KERRY:
Are we all here?
BENTON: I
don’t know. Are we?
KERRY:
Fine. I’ll do a head count. Mark?
CORDAY:
He’s not here right now.
CLEO:
Where is he?
CORDAY:
Beats me.
KERRY:
OK, well, you’re here. So that’s me, Elizabeth, Peter, Cleo . . . Abby?
ABBY: I’m
here.
KERRY:
Luka?
ABBY:
He’s here.
KERRY: I
think he can answer for himself. Carter?
Carter
hastily dusts himself and searches his pockets.
CARTER:
Does anyone have some Visine?
ABBY: Oh
dear God.
KERRY:
Robert’s not here, and I’m waiting on Dave and Jing-mei.
BENTON:
Where are Dave and Chen?
Enter a
frazzled Jing-mei, followed by Dave, who is looking very pleased with
himself.
DAVE: So
it wasn’t all that bad now, eh, Jing-mei?
JING-MEI:
Oh, yes, it was, Dave.
DAVE:
Hey, it was either sit on my lap in Mark’s van or a free ride on my bike.
JING-MEI:
It may have been free, but I’m sure a taxi would have been safer. You didn’t
have to go through five red lights,
you
know.
DAVE:
Quit being a killjoy.
JING-MEI:
I am not a killjoy!
DAVE: You
damn well are.
JING-MEI:
Fine. Just don’t make me ride your bike again.
LUKA: Oh,
boy . . .
CLEO:
(blinks) There they go again . . .
CORDAY:
Shut up, my baby can hear you quarreling.
BENTON:
What, you mean you haven’t had your baby yet?
CORDAY: I
guess not. Speaking of my baby, I am rather hungry . . .
Mark
appears.
MARK: I
brought you some ice cream, pretzels, a steak dinner, salad, some butter
cookies, jelly donuts –
CORDAY: –
and mashed potatoes, a box of KFC, tomato soup, swordfish, a six-foot sub, and
five gallons of orange juice. Oh,
Mark!
DAVE:
Wow. All for being pregnant?
JING-MEI:
Lord knows what your mother ate when she was pregnant with you.
DAVE:
Good point.
KERRY:
Where’s Romano? Much as I hate the little prick, he decided he wanted to come
along. Ah, here he is now.
ROMANO:
Damn you, Mark!
DAVE: Is
that for me?
ROMANO: I
brought the pizza and ice cream for Lizzie, NOT you, Malatucci.
DAVE: Aw,
man!
CORDAY:
(happily) That was very, um, sweet of you, Robert. I’ll take that.
DAVE: You
gonna eat all that on the plane?
CARTER:
Anyone got a cell phone? I forgot mine.
ABBY:
Then what’s in your cell phone case? (makes a grab)
CARTER:
Hey, hey, hey! Give that back!
ABBY:
What’s this? Women’s Tylenol?
CARTER:
(hurt) They’re good for the cramps. Cell phone?
JING-MEI:
Cramps?
CLEO:
Here you are, but don’t let this make you think I like you.
CARTER:
(hopefully) Do you?
CLEO:
That’s debatable. Take it before I change my mind.
CARTER:
(dials a number) Thanks. Hi, Rena.
ABBY: Oh,
dear Lord.
BENTON:
Are you his mother?
ABBY: No,
just his “ex-girlfriend.”
BENTON:
Then leave him alone. (beat) Carter, stop that, we gotta go, man.
DAVE: Dr.
Corday?
CORDAY:
No, you may not have ANY of my food. Bad doctors can’t have it.
DAVE:
(coughs) Malpractice suit . . . .
CORDAY:
Maybe a donut and a glass of juice.
CARTER:
(still on phone) I miss you too . . . .
LUKA: (to
Jing-Mei) How come you never ate this much when you were pregnant?
JING-MEI:
No one brought me food.
LUKA:
Ah.
SCENE:
Flight 8436 to Las Vegas.
ROMANO:
Lizzy, do you really think you should fly in your...condition?
ELIZABETH:
Actually, yes, Robert, I can, thank you very much.
ROMANO:
Because we would hate for something to happen...
MARK: She
said she would be fine, you fat, balding, pathetic excuse for a man!
ROMANO:
Well, I don’t see what she sees in you, you’re just as bald as I am, and you’re
missing part of your brain. Not that
you
ever had
one...
MARK:
Why, I oughta...
KERRY:
You don’t want to get kicked of the plane, do you?
MARK
& ROMANO: Well...
DAVE: I’M
HUNGRY!!!!!
DEB: Not
again!
JOHN:
Yeah, last time, it was all we could do to keep him from eating.
PETER: I
hope that crazy author person doesn’t show up again in this story.
CLEO: I
heard there were TWO authors for this one!
PETER:
TWO!! (faints)
CLEO:
Peter? Peter? Oh well.
KERRY:
Luka, thank you SOOOOOO much for inviting us to come with you on this trip that
you won.
LUKA: Oh,
no problem. Who else would I invite? All my friends in Croatia are dead.
ABBY:
What about Evgeny?
LUKA: How
do YOU know about HIM?!?!
ABBY:
Remember? We saw him in Croatia when we went to visit your family.
LUKA: Oh,
right. Anyway, most of my friends from Croatia are dead.
JOHN:
Think we’ll have an in-flight movie today?
DEB:
That’s what the itinerary says.
DAVE: Who
has an itinerary? (sees DEB with hers) Give me!
DEB:
Hey!
DAVE:
Food, food, food, food, ah, here it is! A dinner...Oh, wait, that’s the Super
Ultra Deluxe First Class. We’re only in
Super Ultra
First
Class, so we get a...drink!!! Yo, Carter!
JOHN:
What, Dave?
DAVE: Any
chance you could pull a few strings---
JOHN:
NO!
DAVE:
Please?
JOHN:
NO!
DAVE:
With sugar and chocolate sprinkles and maraschino cherries on top!
JOHN:
Well, oh, I HATE maraschino cherries. NO, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!!
DAVE:
Darn.
PILOT: We
will be taking off now.
LUKA: So,
what exactly do you DO in Las Vegas?
PETER:
Gamble.
MARK:
Find cheap whorehouses.
ELIZABETH:
MARK!!!!
ROMANO:
You can always call off the engagement now.
ELIZABETH:
NO!
LUKA: Is
there anything reputable to do there?
ABBY:
Well...no.
LUKA: I’m
damned to hell.
DAVE:
I’m--- (DEB claps a hand over his mouth)
DEB: FOR
CHRIST’S SAKE, WE KNOW YOU’RE HUNGRY!
DAVE:
God, you don’t have to make a big deal about it!
JOHN: I
miss Rena.
DAVE:
Who?
ABBY: Oh,
you know. The nineteen-year-old chick that Carter slept with.
DAVE:
Nineteen, hm? (Breaks down laughing)
DEB:
John, I never thought of you as a womanizer.
MARK:
Following in old Dougie’s footsteps, eh Carter?
JOHN:
Uhhhh...
ABBY: Who
is this Doug again?
LUKA:
Remember? The guy I sued.
ABBY: Oh,
right.
DAVE: My
role model!
PETER:
Hell, he’s all of us’s role model, that is, us guys.
CLEO: Oh
God.
SCENE:
Nurse---That is, Flight Attendants’ station.
FLIGHT
ATTENDENT 1 (POLLY): Man, those people up in the Super Ultra first class are
sure causing a ruckus.
F.A. 2
(BRIDGET): Who? (Looks up from reading “Bridget Jones’s Diary”)
POLLY:
There, see. (pointing)
BRIDGET:
Oh, right, the County General people.
POLLY:
You know them?
BRIDGET:
Yeah. I was on the flight they took to Disneyland. Hey, did you ever notice
Bridget Jones is a lot like me?
POLLY:
Don’t you think we should try to calm them down?
BRIDGET:
Nah, won’t work.
POLLY:
Well... Why don’t we drug them?
BRIDGET:
Whatever. Now LET ME READ!!!!!!
SCENE:
C.G. Employees’ seats.
JOHN: Oh,
Rena!
DEB:
You’re hopeless. I hope you know that.
ELIZABETH:
Oh, I felt contractions!
MARK: How
far apart are they!
ROMANO:
Lizzy!
ELIZABETH:
Just kidding!
CLEO:
Anyone have a battery?
ABBY: NOT
AGAIN!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(over intercom): The in-flight movie is “Independence Day” .
CLEO:
Will Smith!
DEB: He’s
such a hottie!
DAVE:
What about me?
DEB: What
about you?
DAVE:
Aren’t I a hottie?
DEB:
Don’t flatter yourself.
PETER: I
HATE ALIENS!
KERRY: I
love this movie!
ROMANO:
Am I in charge during this trip?
KERRY:
No.
ROMANO:
Then who is?
KERRY: I
should say Luka, but actually, it’s me.
ROMANO:
Damn!
LUKA:
Surprise, surprise.
CLEO: The
movie is starting!
PETER: Mommy!
(begins to cry)
JOHN:
(breaking out of his “Rena” stupor) I’ve never seen this side of you before.
Oh, Rena.
POLLY:
Would you like some drinks?
ABBY: No,
I don’t drink anymore.
POLLY:
(annoyed) I meant like soda. We can’t give you people alcohol anyway.
ABBY:
Well, in that case I’ll have a Diet Coke.
LUKA: How
can you drink diet pop? I’ll have a Cherry Coke.
ABBY:
Remember last time you had a Cherry Coke?
LUKA:
Uh...
~*~
Flashback ~*~
LUKA:
Cherry Coke High!!!!!
ABBY:
Luka Nicholas Kovac! Get off that chandelier immediately!
LUKA:
CHERRY COKE, CHERRY COKE!!!!!!!
~*~ END
~*~
LUKA: Oh,
right. Oh, well. Cherry Coke!
JOHN: I
won’t eat or drink until I see Rena again.
KERRY:
Then you’ll be a very hungry little boy. Plus you chose to come with us.
JOHN:
Luka said Rena could come!
All
glance at Luka.
LUKA:
*whistle*
POLLY:
Anyone ELSE!
DAVE:
I’ll take everything!
POLLY:
Uh, okay...
DAVE:
FOOD!!! FOOD!!! FOOD!!!
KERRY: Oh
no!
DAVE: I
HAVE THE URGE TO DANCE!
LUKA: ME
TOO!
Both get
up, and dance down the aisles!
DAVE:
SUNSET BOULEVARD! TWISTING BOULEVARD! VALENTINO DANCED ON THAT terrazzo!
KERRY: It
doesn’t go that way!
ABBY:
Since when are you an expert on “Sunset Boulevard”?
KERRY:
Who knows?
LUKA: I
WANT IT THAT WAY. TELL ME WHY – AIN’T NOTHING BUT A HEART ACHE...
PETER:
Wahhhhhhhhhh!
CLEO:
Shut him up!
DEB:
OHHH! Will Smith!
JOHN: I
think I’m going to jump out of the plane in despair!
CLEO:
Okay, I never liked you goody-two-shoed white boy anyway!
DAVE: THE
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE: INSIDE YOUR MIND!
LUKA:
WHEN YOU FINALLY GET TO LOVE SOMEBODY GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT: IT’S GONNA BE
ME!
CLEO:
Shut them up too!
JOHN: The
winter of despair!
ABBY:
Great, now he’s quoting Dickens!
DAVE:
LET’S SET THE PLANE ON FIRE!
LUKA:
OKAY!
EVERYONE
ELSE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
DAVE
& LUKA: WE WERE JUST KIDDING!
KERRY:
It’s going to be a loooong trip to Vegas.
What? You
have something to say already? You can write to us at [email protected]
(Sarah) and [email protected] (Rachel).