Not so long ago, about twenty years or so, in a land called Lancre (not so much a kingdom as a break from all that geography) there lived a witch named Susannetta, and her daughters Gitta and Faye.  They were a happy family, living out in the woods as was proper for a witch and her little ones.  None of them ever thought this happiness could be interrupted…but one day, one stupid man changed everything.

 

This man was a wild-eyed, unwashed, uncombed Omnian vampire hunter.  He happened to be passing through Susannetta’s part of the woods on his way back from killing innocent bloodsuckers in Uberwald.  Unfortunately, as he was passing, he ran into little Faye who was only two at the time, and playing in what she thought her own safe backyard.  After all, nothing in that part of Lancre, man or beast, would DARE harm one of Susannetta’s children.

 

Well, the Omnian saw her, and knew at once she must be in great peril.  He scooped her up and set off running.  When she told him that her Mummy was a powerful witch and would get him if he didn’t put her down this minute, he ran even faster.  Well, Faye was shocked, and no mistake.  By the time she got her little head together enough to scream, she was well out of earshot.

 

Faye, being a practical sort of little girl, decided to make the best of things, even though she missed her mum and sister (who was also old enough to serve as her godmother) and the wonderful Ramtops.  So for the next twenty years she did what she could to stay sane, and even got used to being called “Flay” (short for Flay-The-Minds-of-Unbelievers-with-the-Flaming-Whip-of-Truth) and surrounded by insane fanatical missionaries.

 

Of course, living away from her family, and being surrounded by people who thought she was inherently evil, was a lonely life for any little girl. To “infuse her with the love of Om” she was sent out into the city with pamphlets and handbills announcing the words of Om’s prophets (at least the words that the missionaries currently thought were worth hearing).  What this really meant was that our Flay learned her way around the mean streets of Ankh-Morpork, and became very handy with a hatpin and a quick kick to the stones.

 

Through it all, she knew that the whole Omnian business was a load of bull.  Oh, she was sure that the gods, all of ‘em, existed…but she also remembered what her Mum had always said. “No good worshipping gods. It just encourages ‘em.”  She always said that as if she was quoting someone…but Flay could never quite remember who.  She also knew that someday she’d get out of the madhouse, reunite with her Mum and sister…and that those Omnians would be sorry they ever seen her.

 

So when she grew up, she packed up her few belongings, and snuck out of the Omnian mission in the middle of the night.  Somehow she found her way to Gennie Applebottom, AM’s most famous and reliable witch.  With that worthy’s help, she made her way back to the mountains of her youth, and into the tutelage of Granny Weatherwax.

 

After some adventures and some money-making and scathin’ a lot of vermin, Flay began to meet other witches, both in the Ramtops and in AM.  It was in this way that she was finally reunited with Gitta, her sister/godmother.  It was a tearful, joyous reunion, and followed shortly by the reunion with Susannetta.  Once more, Flay felt at home, and complete…though she couldn’t quite go back to being called “Faye”.

 

It wasn’t long before Flay went to her very first proper witches’ meeting/knees-up.  She was filled with joy.  Her joy translated into a flurry of mad unprovoked snuggles and warm smooches, things strictly forbidden by her former Omnian jailers.  She didn’t think of this going over badly…she had remembered her mum and the other witches she saw as a baby being a warm, caring lot.  Sure enough, soon everyone was cuddled together in a pile of cushions and scumbly happiness like a litter of very drunk puppies.

 

In the midst of the scumble and snuggles, Flay found herself drawn like a moth to a flame to a young witch she’d never met before.  Her name was Yavanna.  She was magnetic, and merry, and more beautiful in her carefree, touselled way than Flay had ever dreamed possible.  They spent a lot of time talking, and getting to know each other…and, like magic, Flay found herself wanting nothing more than to be with this woman, always. 

 

So, after a whirlwind sort of romance, the two were married.  It was a sweet little ceremony, with Flay’s Auntie Jehane officiating, and just about everyone the couple knew in attendance.  Except the Omnians who had raised Flay, of course.  They’d already gotten their just deserts…and those did NOT include a wedding invite. 

 

No one currently knows the exact whereabouts of our Flay or her blushing bride…but rumors and the trail of scathed rat corpses lead somewhere in the gardens of Bes Pelargic.