And He Called for His Fiddlers Three (Setting; a courtroom. Plaintiff's and Defendant's lawyers. Francine, Florence and Fitzgerald Fiddler sit, in that order, behind the two Plaintiff's lawyers. King Cole sits, on throne, behind six Defendant's lawyers. Bailiff sits to right of Judge's desk. Court reporter sits left of bailiff. Subversives placed in audience. Narrator stands front center stage.) Narrator: This is a work of interactive theatre. You, as the audience, are also part of the play. Have fun, and don't be afraid to participate. ( Narrator exits, stage left. Bailiff stands) Bailiff: The Gooseland Peoples' Court is now in session. All rise in the presence of the honorable- Subversive 1: Honorable? Yeah, right! Subversive 2: This guy's about as honorable as (someone in current events who's dishonest.) Subversive 3: He probably has the Milli Vanilli Integrity Award proudly displayed above his mantle. Bailiff: I repeat; All rise in the presence of the HONORABLE Judge Whopper. (Judge Whopper enters, a hamburger in one hand, a gavel in the other and a napkin with catsup and mustard stains tied around his neck. Judge sits at desk.) Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Subversive 3: I'll have a burger, a jumbo fries and a Coke! Subversive 1: I'll have a pizza with black olives! Subversive 3: I'll have a new judge! (Judge smashes hamburger on desk; then realizes his mistake and uses gavel instead. Judge wipes hands on napkin.) Judge: What's the case, Bailiff? Bailiff: Today is the civil suit of The Fiddlers Three vs. His Majesty, King Cole. Judge: Burger King? Why would anyone sue Burger King? Their food isn't that bad. Subversive 2: Wanna bet on that, round boy? (Judge bangs gavel.) Bailiff: Not Burger King, King Cole. You know, "a merry old soul was he"? Judge: Oh, HIM! I know the guy. Keeps some fine cooks in his castle. Subversive 3: He WOULD know about that! Bailiff: Yes, sir. (Bailiff sits.) Judge: Ok, let's get down to it. I've got a table reserved at Chez Corned Beef that won't wait forever.(Subversives snicker.) Plaintiff, state your case. (Plaintiff's Lawyer 1 stands. PL2 remains seated, shuffling through papers from a briefcase. Judge starts munching on a chicken wing. Subversives should have a few impromptu snide comments, possibly about cholesterol and high blood pressure, every time Judge Whopper gets out something new to eat.) PL1: Your Hunger, I mean, Your Honor, my clients, Francine, Florence and Fitzgerald Fiddler are sueing their former employer, King Cole, for sexual harassment. They say that, after smoking unknown substances and drinking huge amounts of liquor, Mr. Cole would call for them. Their contract was for music, but Mr. Cole wanted them to, shall we say, play something besides their music. When they repeatedly refused his advances he fired them. They wish 2000 gold pieces for emotional and punitive damages. (PL1 sits. Judge puts half-eaten chicken wing in paper bag on desk.) Judge: Defence? (Defendant's Lawyer One stands. DL2, DL3 and DL6 examine notes from several briefcases DL4 and DL5 whisper with King Cole. Judge takes chicken wing out again.) DL1: Your Honor, His Majesty denies all allegations. Furthermore; he claims that The Fiddlers Three are making up the charges, hoping to force him in shame from the throne and cause his financial ruin. He wishes only to clear his name. (DL1 sits. Judge puts chicken bone in bag. Takes out a bag of potato chips.) Judge: Plaintiff, call your first witness. (PL1 stands.) PL1: The plaintiff calls Mz. Francine Fiddler to the stand. (Fran F. stands. Bailiff escorts Fran to chair to right of Judge.) Bailiff: You were sworn in earlier, Mz. Fiddler. You are still under oath. (PL1 walks to stand.) PL1: Mz. Fiddler, tell me, what exactly were you and your siblings hired to do? Fran: We were hired to do a series of private concerts for Mr. Cole. The first of these was his wife's funeral. PL1: Were you contracted for anything but music? Fran: No. PL1: Did Mr. Cole ever request anything besides music? Fran: Y-yes. PL1: Could you tell me, in your own words, what happened? Fran: Well, first he'd call for his pipe. Then he'd call for a big bowl of something. It smelled funny. Then he'd call us. We'd play our music, and then-and then- (Fran starts sobbing into hands.) PL1: I know this must be a terrible experience, but hearing the kinds of sick, perverse things Mr. Cole asked of you may help His Honor to see how horribly you and your siblings have been mistreated. (DL1 stands abruptly, slamming a stack of papers on the desk.) DL1: Objection! He's leading the witness! (Judge hastily swallows and wipes his mouth.) Judge: Sustained. You will refrain from using accusatory descriptive words. (DL1 sits.) PL1: I would still like you to answer the question if you could. Fran: I-I- (Fran sobs uncontrollably.) PL1: No further questions. Judge to Fran: Do you want a chocolate bar? That always helps me when I'm upset. (Fran shakes her head. Judge frowns sadly and shrugs. Pulls out chocolate bar and begins to eat.) Judge(with mouth full): Do you wish to cross-examine the witness? Sub1: Didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full? (Judge bangs gavel.) DL1: No, the witness is clearly unstable. Questioning her would serve no purpose. Judge: You may be seated, Mz. Fiddler. (Fran takes out handkerchief. Wipes eyes, blows nose and stands. Bailiff escorts her back to her seat.) Judge: Next witness. PL1: I now call Mz. Florence Fiddler to the stand. (Flo Fiddler stands. Bailiff escorts her to stand. Male Subs whistle.) Bailiff: Mz. Fiddler, you are also still under oath. Keep that in mind. PL1: Mz. Fiddler, could you tell me what Mr. Cole asked of you and your siblings besides music? Flo: Yeah. After one concert he said "You know, my bed gets pretty cold at night now that my wife's gone. Four people would keep it warmer than one." He musta been pretty high. He tried that line on us a couple times. We all said "No way!" and left. After that he tried to separate us. From what Fran and Gerry said he asked 'em to do some pretty sick things. He only got me alone once. It'd scorch your ears the kinda stuff he said. So I slapped him. Then he "apologized". What a joke! PL1: How, exactly, did he "apologize"? Flo: He said "I've been a very naughty boy. I do need a spanking." That was it for me. I never let myself get cornered again. I didn't torch our contract because we need the money. Fiddling isn't as profitable as it used to be. PL1: Thank you, Mz. Fiddler. No further questions. (Judge takes a drink of soda. He belches and wipes his mouth.) Judge: 'Scuse me. Do you wish to cross-examine? DL1: Yes, Your Honor, I do. (DL1 stands. PL1 sits.) DL1: Mz. Fiddler, how long have you known Mr. Cole? Flo: Only the month we worked for him. DL1: So you worked for Mr. Cole for a month. If what you say is true, why did you put up with it for so long? Flo: Like I said, we needed the money. Besides, we thought he'd stop once we turned him down a couple times. DL1: Did you ever wear any, shall we say, seductive attire to the concerts? Flo: No way! DL1: Did you, or any of your siblings, ever make any advances at Mr. Cole? Flo: No! DL1: But isn't it true that YOU winked at Mr. Cole during the second concert, and that this lead him to believe you were interested in him? Flo: No, I didn't wink at him. My contact lens was bothering me. DL1: But isn't it true that you, in an interview with "Musicians' Quarterly", say that you find older, balding men extremely attractive? Flo: Yes, but-- DL1: No further questions. Flo: Wait just a minute! If you would've finished the article, you pompous windbag, you would have noticed that I also said I was only joking! (Judge bangs gavel.) Judge: If you don't settle down, Mz. Fiddler, I'll find you in contempt of court. Now be seated. Next witness. Subversive 2: The only contemptable thing about THIS court is him. (Other subversives snicker.) Judge: That means you, too. Sub3: U2? Where? I didn't think this place was open for concerts. PL1: I now call Fitzgerald Fiddler to the stand. (Gerry walks to stand. DL1 sits. PL1 walks to stand. Female subversives give catcalls, and maybe faint.) Bailiff: You are also under oath, Mr. Fiddler. PL1: Mr. Fiddler, did Mr. Cole ever make any sexual overtures towards you? Gerry: Yes, he did. PL1: What kinds of things did he say? Gerry: Uh, well, the kinds of things that Flo said. And once he, uh, asked me why I wasted time with girls. He, uh, offered to make a man out of me. PL1: How did you react? Gerry: I told him no. PL1: Did he ever actually do anything? Gerry: Uh, yes. Once he, uh, grabbed me by the shorts and tried to drag me off somewhere. PL1: What happened? Gerry: I, uh, pulled away. I got a hole in my shorts because he wouldn't let go. I got away, though. PL1: How has this attack affected you? Gerry: Well, I was pretty shaken up. I've been going to therapy for a while. PL1: No further questions. (Judge licks lips and puts empty potato chip bag and chocolate bar wrapper in bag on desk.) Judge: Do you wish to cross-examine the witness? DL1: Yes, Your Honor, I do. (PL1 sits. DL1 walks to stand. Judge takes another drink of soda. He pulls out a bag of pork rinds.) DL1: Mr. Fiddler, isn't it true that you are secretly homosexual? (PL1 stands, totally outraged.) PL1: Objection! Mr. Fiddler's sexual preferences are not relevant! Subs: YEAH! Judge: Sustained. And you clowns better shut up. Sub3: Oh no, he's going to sit on us! (Judge glares at them. PL1 sits.) DL1: I retract the question. Gerry: I'm not gay, anyway. DL1: No further questions. (Judge puts empty pork rind package in paper bag. Takes out a box of cookies.) Judge: Any more witnesses? PL1: The plaintiff rests. Judge: The defence may call its first witness. (DL1 stands. Judge opens box of cookies and begins to eat.) DL1: The Defendant's calls King Cole to the stand. (Bailiff escorts King Cole to stand.) Bailiff: You are still under oath. DL1: Mr. Cole, why did you hire the Fiddlers? King: I hired them to play at my wife, Queen Cole's, funeral. I liked how they sounded, so I asked them back for some more performances. DL1: Did you make any sexual overtures or inuendos towards any of the Fiddlers during any of their concerts? King. No. DL1: Did THEY ever make any advances towards you? King: Yes. They often flirted quite openly with me. I have been a little lonely after Mrs. Cole died, but I would never even consider--why, I'm old enough to be their grandfather. Sub1: You're telling me! (King Cole gives subversive the finger.) DL1: No further questions. (Judge brushes cookie crumbs from hands.) Judge: Do you wish to cross-examine the witness? (PL1 stands.) PL1: Yes, Your Honor, I do. (PL walks to stand. Judge continues eating cookies.) PL1: Mr. Cole, you say you didn't make any advances towards the Fiddlers during any of their concerts. But isn't it true that you did, in fact, make several propositions to the Fiddlers before, and after, the concerts? Bailiff: You are under oath, Mr. Cole. King: Not that I remember. PL1: Isn't it true that the reason you don't remember is because you were frequently intoxicated? That you daily called for your pipe, which was filled with an unknown illegal substance, and your bowl which was full of several pints of vodka? King: Well, no, that isn't why. I'm just not as young as I used to be. And about the other things, well, I have drank a little since Mrs. Cole died. Trying to drown my grief, I guess. And I've been smoking for years. Have to keep up that kingly appearance, after all. But I didn't inhale. Subversive 1: Who are you, Bill Clinton? Subversive 2: Or Ronald Regan? Subversive 3: Actually, I think he's more like Clarence Thomas. (Judge bangs gavel.) Judge: Order in the court! Sub1: I already told you, I want a burger, jumbo fries and a Coke. Sub2: And you can add anchovies to that pizza. Sub3: And I still think a new judge would be nice. (Judge sighs, and apparently gives up hope.) PL1: And isn't it true that you had an affair with your former court jester, Georgie Porgie? DL1: Objection! The past isn't relevant. Judge: Sustained. PL1: No further questions. Judge: Next witness? DL1: The defence rests. Judge: Both sides may make their final statement. (Both L1s stand.) PL1: I hope I have shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that King Cole is not a "merry old soul", but a dirty old man. He should be made to pay for the lasting damage he has done to my clients. DL1: King Cole is a victim of the current sexual harassment witch-hunt. He is being used by three manipulative performers who are only out for their own gains. He shouldn't be made to pay a thing. (Judge groans, clutches his chest and drops his head to the desk sometime during the final statements.) (Bailiff looks over at Judge. Nudges Judge gently. Pushes Judge. Judge falls off of chair.) Bailiff: Your Honor? Your Honor! Subversive 1: I think he died! Subversive 2: Somebody call the paramedics! Subversive 3: Guess I'll get my wish after all! (Subversive 3 runs out of theatre. Four Paramedics enter with stretcher, stage right. Paramedic 1 hunts for a pluse, and shakes his head. Paramedic 2 examines body. Paramedic 3 searches desk.) Paramedic 1: He's dead. Paramedic 2 Probably cardiac arrest. Paramedic 3: Yeah, the old lardball must've had enough cholesterol in his arteries to dam a river. (Paramedics load Judge onto stretcher. They grunt and groan as they exit with him, stage left.) Bailiff: What can we do? Is there a precedent for this kind of thing anywhere? (Court Reporter takes out big, thick book. Preferably Yellow Pages in different cover or Webster's New English Dictionary. Court Reporter looks through book.) Reporter: Ah, here we are. Section 129, Paragraph 32, sub-paragraph 3 of the Gooseland Book of Laws. "If the judge dies during a civil trial the case may be decided by a majority vote from the audience." I wonder what we'd do if they weren't civil. Would we have to wait for a new judge if it had come to blows? Bailiff: Well, this IS a civil trial. So, ladies and gentlemen, it's up to you. Is King Cole guilty? Does he have to pay? If you think the answer is Yes, applaud now. (Bailiff pauses.) Bailiff: Thank you. If you don't think he's guilty, clap now. "YES" ending Baliiff: The court rules in favor of the plaintiffs, The Fiddlers Three. King Cole is ordered to promptly pay 2000 gold pieces to the joint account of Florence, Francine and Fitzgerald Fiddler. Subersives make Arsenio Hall Dog Pound sounds. King Cole: It's LIES, all lies, I tell you!!! I didn't harass any of those Fiddlers! Even though that Gerry is sort of cute. They're just trying to ruin me! I can't take it! I want my pipe! I want my bowl! I want my mommy! (King cries. Defendant's Lawyers wheel throne off, stage right, with King in it.) Fiddlers and PLs: We did it! (Fiddlers and PLs exchange high 5's. Fiddlers exit, arm in arm, stage left. PLs shake hands and exit stage right.) Bailiff: Well, Sally, that about wraps it up for this case. I'd better tell the next group that we can't take them today. Reporter: Ok, Charlie, I'll close up in here. (Bailiff exits stage right. Court Reporter pauses just on stage. Reporter claps hands twice.) Reporter: Clap off! (Lights dim, curtains close. Narrator walks to center forestage.) Narrator: Thank you for attending "And He Called for His Fiddlers Three". I only wish more juries had your good sense in sexual harassment cases. "NO" ending Bailiff: The court rules in favor of the defendant, King Cole. Case dismissed. Subvirsives boo and hiss loudly. (DLs and King shake hands and smile.) DL1: Now there's the matter of our fee... (DL2 shows King Cole a piece of paper. King faints. DLs push throne and king off stage left.) (Fiddlers cry. PLs shake hands with each.) PL1: I'm sorry we couldn't win this one for you. PL2: And you know how it is with us at Jack Sprat Lawyers. You don't collect, you don't pay. (PLs exit stage left. Fiddlers exit stage right.) Bailiff: Well, Sally, that about wraps it up for this case. I guess I'd better tell the group outside we can't take them today. Reporter: Ok, Charlie. I'll close up in here. (Bailiff exits stage left. Court Reporter stands just onstage. Claps twice.) Reporter: Clap off! (Lights dim, curtains close. Narrator walks to center forestage.) Narrator: Thank you for attending "And He Called for His Fiddlers Three". Good night.