Author’s Notes: I have NO idea where this came from, and it’s supposed to be all angsty and emotional. I’m not too sure if I’ve managed to capture it, but I’m trying the best I can!
I’ve deliberately blurred the lines between rurouni and battousai because as much as I enjoy portraying Kenshin as someone with MPD (multiple personality disorder), I think both personality types have managed to co-exist within him, especially post Tokyo/Revenge arc.
Anyway, I’ve said enough. You’ve been warned. It’s NOT a happy ending.
Disclaimer: What? I don’t own Kenshin? Or Aoshi? Or any of the other bishies!? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
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All he had ever wanted to do was to protect her. Every action that he had ever done since meeting her indicated so. To others, it seemed a part of the rurouni act but in truth, it was a clear revelation of how he felt. He loved her. It was as simple as that.
They believed him to be an idiot. But he hadn’t been Battousai for no reason. He was all too aware of his actions. He could hear the little catch in her breath and the depth of her hurt. She was far too open with her emotions, and he could read her like an open book. She offered no defenses against him, and time and time again, when all he wanted to do was protect, he wound up doing the very opposite.
Yet they didn’t understand. He couldn’t say anything. How could he? It seemed horribly clichéd, and he knew that she herself would deny it. His past had plenty to do with everything. It had to do with every future he had ever dreamed about sharing with her. He saw her rounded with his child with the most breathtaking smile he’d ever seen.
They would never know how much it would kill him to push her away each time.
They would never know how much it ate at him to see the hopeful light dim in her eyes.
Once, he had believed himself beyond redemption. He still did. She alone dared to suggest otherwise.
There wasn’t a man alive less deserving of her, and yet she persevered. She believed even as he sinned.
The blood would never wash. He would never be clean. He could scrub for an eternity and still be stained.
His first kill had assured him of it.
His many enemies would ensure that he remember it till his dying breath.
It was that thought that kept the words tumbling forth and the dreams at bay. A manslayer could never dream. Nor could he ever hope.
But he could keep someone else’s faith alive – if only for her sake.
He was no hero despite what some may say. It was far too easy to sink into the lies that some of his current friends had deluded themselves into believing.
All the saving in the world could never bring back the lives he took in the first place.
A killer had no right to anything.
Much less the right to believe he had a happily ever after.
Especially not with her.
He knew damn well it hurt her. He could hear the catch in her breath, and the darkening of her blue eyes. He could see how she turned just a bit paler, and how her smile wobbled. He could see it in the mis-steps she took every instance he deliberately uttered the honourific.
He never wanted to be like this. He never asked to be welcomed so heartily into this household. He never wanted a second chance at life. He didn’t deserve it. They didn’t deserve it.
She didn’t.
He really should’ve walked away the day she extended her hand to him.
He really should’ve left when she welcomed him home.
He should’ve broken her heart right there and then. Maybe it wouldn’t be killing him so much right now.
His breath hitched, and he couldn’t even feel the blade cutting his skin right now. His eyes were glassy, memories of her smiling face and warm hands eating him alive.
“Kenshin…”
His sakabatou fell lifelessly to the ground at her voice. All this talk about protecting her and all he could do was watch her die. The fever had come on unexpectedly and taken them all by surprise. The plague had been sweeping across some smaller villages, but they hadn’t thought it would reach this far. She had faced enemies far stronger than this, and yet, to see her lying so frail and helpless just twisted his guts.
Even Megumi had thought it was a cold to begin with. That was the lie that they had all forced themselves to believe. He could see from her feverishly bright eyes and the chills she could never escape that she was seriously ill.
But things like that were not supposed to happen. He protected her so she wouldn’t get hurt. He deliberately kept her away so she would be safe.
All his actions had been for nothing.
Nothing.
The softest of touches disturbed his thoughts. His eyes drank in the sight of her. The rosy flush of the fever was the only spot of colour on her otherwise pale countenance. Following Megumi’s orders, the rest had stayed away reluctantly. He felt their pain. They had wanted to be there for their fallen comrade.
But they would never know.
This would be his penance – his to carry for all eternity.
He saw the momentary relief she felt as the cold washcloth bathed her face. Then, he heard her breathing deepen as she tried to gasp for air.
His heart constricted at that moment, the washcloth long forgotten as it fell headlong to the tatami-covered floor. Holding her close, he stroked her back to encourage her to drag in the oxygen into her deprived lungs. He could feel her sweat-drenched body’s struggles, and those high-pitched noises coming from her as she tried to breathe desperately. He watched in morbid fascination at the blood from his hand onto her once white yukata.
The words couldn’t come out.
They wouldn’t come out.
He was meant to protect her.
Just as someone had once offered him protection, that was what he was supposed to do in return.
Yet, here he was…
Her fingers gripped his gi tightly before pulling back to meet his eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to… he couldn’t… it hurt too much… when all he had left was guilt… and love…
“Kenshin…” she rasped.
How often had he dreamed of her saying his name? How often had he dreamed of saying hers freely? How often had he dreamed the dreams he had no right to?
She clutched his shoulders, and the expression on her face ripped his heart.
Please…
“Kaoru…” he finally choked out.
The smile on her face was one of eternal gratitude, and the light that appeared in her eyes took his breath away.
For one moment, he was just Kenshin, and she was just the woman he loved.
She understood. She had always understood.
How could she not when she was his soul?
Then, she slumped against him. Never had his arms felt so full yet so empty at the same time.
There would be plenty of time for mourning later on. There would be plenty of time for regrets and guilt.
Because for one moment, he had finally done what he was supposed to do – protect her.