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The Official Armageddon Day Planner

8:00a Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02a Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13a Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04a Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45a All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40a Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32a In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".

11:47a Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.

12:00p Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03p Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11p Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46p Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18p Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21p Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56p Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20p Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12p The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16p Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27p God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00p Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!

10:42p Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.

11:30p God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).

12:00a Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, the world blows up.

12:03a In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."

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8:00a	Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"
8:02a	Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.
8:13a	Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.
9:04a	Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.
9:45a	All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.
10:40a	Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.
11:32a	In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".
11:47a	Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.
12:00p	Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."
12:03p	Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.
1:11p	Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.
2:46p	Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.
3:18p	Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.
3:21p	Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.
4:56p	Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.
5:20p	Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.
6:12p	The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.
7:16p	Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.
9:27p	God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.
10:00p	Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!
10:42p	Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.
11:30p	God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).
12:00a	Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, the world blows up.
12:03a	In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."