Chet's Biography

To quote Chet, "All men our born. Then they dies. They does other stuff in between. Big Deal."

To be perfectly honest, little is known about Chet's early life. To be more honest still, little is known about any of Chet's life. We do know, however, that Chet lived and wrote some of history's most powerful plays. Unfortunately, these plays were plagiarized by his brother, William, and, after some alteration, republished. In essence, Chet wrote the basic stories, then got drunk. William took the stories, spruced up the grammar, inserted words he made up, and then resold the stories. No one wanted to buy William's plays, but, in the end, he found a market for them as sleeping aids. Later on, a consortium of English teachers began using William's works in their classrooms out of pure spite.

I. Birth and Early Life:

Undoubtedly, Chet was born at some time. This fact can be established because we know Chet lived and that so far as modern science is concerned, people must be born to live. The date of Chet's birth is, however, extremely difficult to pin down. The first conclusive study of the possible date of Chet's birth was conducted in 1988 by Dr. George Kapitsa, one of the founders of the CSAA. Dr. Kapitsa established through definitive archeological evidence that Chet had been born between 1000 AD and 1872 AD. From this evidence and the fact that Chet was known to have been William Shakespeare's older brother, Dr. Kapitsa determined that Chet had been born between 1000 AD and 1564 AD (the year of William’s birth).
Of course, 564 years is a very significant window for the possible birthdate of one of the most important men in history, so, since 1988, others scholars have attempted to more accurately determine the date of Chet's birth. The first study of these studies of note was that of Mr. Sylvester Smith. Mr. Smith, a New Jersey house painter and important CSAA donor, began investigating the matter in 1991. After an exhaustive analysis of records from the time period and other important research (namely a Magic-8 Ball, coincidentally the makers of the Magic-8 Ball support this site and would like your business), Mr. Smith arrived at several important conclusions. However, he was unable to publish these conclusions for personal reasons (he was arrested by the DEA for crack possession and is still serving out a 17 year term. Luckily, Smith's wife presented the manuscript as evidence in a divorce suit she filed shortly after his arrest. The CSAA was then able to read the contents of his manuscript in court transcripts. When examined, the Smith study firmly narrowed the window of Chet's birth, establishing with certainty that it had occurred between 1412 and 1564 AD. However, some of Smith's other conclusions in later portions of the work proved to be obviously false (to view an excerpt from Smith's manuscript click here )
After Smith's analysis, the discipline of "chet-dating" lay dormant for a number of years. The next reasonable attempt to date Chet came in 1995, when the CSAA commissioned Bill Ding (a retired contractor turned literary historian) to approximate a ten year window for Chet's birth. Bill, however, spent most of his $12,500 grant at an Atlantic City casino and simply stopped trying to do research with the $314 dollars that remained. Instead, he bought a one way ticket to Mexico and is still at large (if you have information about his whereabouts click here ).
The next approximation of Chet's birth date came in 1997 from noted author and literary historian I. P. Daily (he wrote Yellow River and Rusty Bedsprings ). Dr. Daily conducted his own research and worked with a team of archeological students from Yale University to determine that Chet had certainly been born between 1551 and 1564 AD. Dr. Daily further narrowed this field to an 88% probability that Chet had been born between 1558 and 1562, a window still considered accurate by all Chet scholars of importance. Dr. Daily personally dated Chet's birth to April 1560, although this was little more than a guess.
Shortly after Dr. Daily, Cybil Wright, a University of Cancun doctoral student conducted further research, narrowing Dr. Daily's field . She firmly established that Chet's birth had taken place between 1559-1561 AD, and her "estimate", March 18th, 1560 is the currently accepted date of Chet's birth.
Given that the date of Chet's birth was a subject of such uncertainty, one might be led to believe that little is known about his early life. Nothing could be further form the truth. As a matter of fact not little, but nothing is known about Chet's early life. However, this lack of information has not put an end to rampant speculation about his early life. Literally 2 groups have investigated the subject and literally half of them have published the results of their analysis (click here to view the literally one published article on Chet's early life.)

II. Early Adulthood

As is often the case with Chet's life, little is known about Chet's early adulthood. During this period it is probable that Chet was in some way gainfully employed; however, no one is certain. In his work, Dr. Daily suggested that Chet worked as bouncer at a local bar while Dr. Peter Jones (a noted literary historian at Oxford) has suggested that Chet was "a shameless freeloading drunkard." Other precise details of Chet's early adulthood are similarly vague.
That vagueness aside, Chet's early adulthood (the CSAA considers the ages 17- 25 to comprise this period) was an important formative period. We do know that Chet spent most of his time during this period drinking, smoking opium, and womanizing. Most importantly, one spring day at age 24, Chet made an important life decision. That day in a Stratford Pub, Chet, after drinking an estimated 19 beers, declared his undying devotion to the beverage and as a tribute changed his surname from Shakespeare to Shakesbeare.

III. Beginnings as an Author

At about the age of 25, for some unknown reason, Chet began his writing career. While the reason is unclear, the CSAA would like to remind everyone that we should all be deeply grateful that Chet made the decision to grace the world with his phenomenal works, the best ever written in the English language. It is also unclear which story was the first written by Shakesbeare. I.P. Daily has suggested that the first was Hamlet: Small House in Denmark. This belief is based on that play’s opening lines: “Welcome to Hamlet: Small House in Denmark, ladies and gentleman. I would like to thank you all for coming to the public performance of the first play by new author Chet Shakesbeare.”

As is always the case with literary analysis, other experts have offered different opinions on those opening lines. In his, Forgotten Dramatists of the 16th and 17th Centuries , Dr. George Pauling suggested that those lines prove that Hamlet was Shakesbeare’s final play. According to Pauling, contemporary audiences would have been well aware that Shakesbeare had published many other plays and would have seen the opening as a dose of the ironic humor that made Shakesbeare as popular as he is today.

Leading Shakesbeare scholar, Mufasa W. Lincoln, scoffed at both men’s points of view declaring that Hamlet had been written in the middle of Shakesbeare’s career. He proposed that the opening lines created an extended metaphor comparing Hamlet to Shakesbeare’s first play (in his opinion, MacBeth’s, a docudrama about the food business was Shakesbeare’s first). In any case, the CSAA has no official position on which play came first and regards the issue as unworthy of any attention. As a matter of fact, a recent board decision stipulates that no further content be added to the CSAA website with respect to the controversy. Since that decision, the controversy has become more intense with important scholar Douglas Gould calling all other scholars “morons” for not recognizing that the opening lines of Hamlet were actually a veiled, highly symbolic insult directed at the royal family.