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(AT RISE: JAMIE, BOB, and SAM are in the living room)
JAMIE God damn you, this is the fucken last straw!
BOB What? What did I do now?
SAM Wooo, dude, sounds like you no get no suckie tonight.
BOB Sam, shut up! Okay, honey, what�s wrong?
JAMIE What�s Wrong? I�m sick and fucken tired of having to clean off the toilet seat every single god damn time I go to the bathroom. And just last week I fucken fell in because you left the seat up! Again!
SAM Um, Jamie, does that mean your wet now?
JAMIE Sam, why are you here? Don�t you have your own home?
SAM Uh, no I live with Bob�s mom, and she�s sick man, the other day, she was giving herself an enema in the living room, it was the grossest thing, ever seen a 60 year old woman running around trying to catch her own tail? Gross I tell you�gross.
BOB Okay, Sam that�s enough, my mom was not giving herself an enema�
SAM How would you know were you there?
BOB Sam, go make yourself a sandwich or something.
(SAM gets up and leaves the room)
JAMIE Why is he here? More importantly why can�t you piss in the god damn toilet!
BOB Sorry, but it�s hard to see in there, and I don�t pee on the seat. It�s the splach of the water that gets on it. And besides, can you blame me for forgetting to put the seat down? That�s not really on my mind when I�m in there.
JAMIE Regardless, it doesn�t take a goddamn genius to clean up after himself!
BOB All right, already, I�ll make an effort to clean up after myself. I�m sorry.
JAMIE And, get that dirty bum out of here!
BOB Hey, that�s not fair, you didn�t think of him that way the first time you met him.
(SAM walks back in with a penthouse magazine.)
SAM Yo, Jamie, is this you?
JAMIE No, you fucken pervert!
SAM Oh, yeah, no birthmark on her ass. Hey, do that thing with your legs again! That shits awesome.
BOB Sam, go away! Were talking here, and it�s personal.
SAM Oh, okay, well don�t mind me.
(SAM sits back down on the couch)
JAMIE Bob, do something!
(BOB grabs the penthouse and opens the door to the house, then throws the magazine out the door.)
SAM Hey, that was uncalled for. I wasn�t done reading that!
JAMIE Yeah, like you read.
BOB Ahhh! What the hell do you want here Sam? And Jamie, what is your major problem? Why can�t you two ever stop snapping at each other!
JAMIE Because, he�s a dirty no good pig!
SAM And you�re a hot, sexy, tricky bitch. By the way can you break a five?
JAMIE Fuck you!
BOB Hey, hey, remember Jamie, you were pissed about the toilet?
JAMIE I could give a fuck about that! But if you ever do that shit again, I�ll cut your balls off! Now, tell this asshole to leave! I don�t want him in my house.
SAM How about the toothpaste? That used to piss me off like hell!
BOB Sam, just go somewhere else please.
SAM Okay. (SAM gets up and walks to the recliner.) Yeah this is better, good idea Bobert.
BOB No, I mean go home.
JAMIE You know, that toothpaste shit is annoying. Where the fuck did you get that from anyways Bob?
BOB Agh, from my mom, okay.
JAMIE Who the fuck does that? That�s crazy shit. SAM You�re telling me. I have to live with that shit; the ol� lady is always doing crazy shit like that.
BOB Look, leave my mom out of this!
JAMIE Oh, god, I could go on all day about your fucken mother. I wish the old bitch would of taught you to put the toilet seat down after you pee!
BOB Hey, that old bitch like you call her has done a lot for us! For all 3 of us!
SAM Yeah, she can be helpful.
JAMIE Well, you both better fucken hope she�s there for ya all tonight! And all she�s ever done for us is interfere in out lives. She�s a goddamn paranoid schizoid!
BOB Hey, that�s just fucked up! If you�re going to get like this, I�m getting out of here! I�ll be at my mother�s, if you want me!
JAMIE Yeah, just like always running to your mother when you can�t handle problems!
SAM Hey, since Bob�s leaving can we fuck? I got five bucks.
(JAMIE pushes SAM out the door.)
JAMIE Get the fuck out of my house! Fucken asshole!
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