Eight Ball

I shook the magic eight ball three times, trying to get a satisfactory answer to my dilemma.  But the only answer I would get was “don’t count on it.”  As you can see this put me in quite an awkward situation.  How was I supposed to get through this if I couldn’t get a reasonable answer?  Damn ball never could give me a straight answer.  Everything to you is a fucking puzzle, isn’t it?  Well, I won’t let it happen anymore!  I’m going to do it; I don’t need your consent. 

     But, how would I do it?  I’ll shake it again . . . “Very Doubtful” great, just like always.  Now what is that supposed to mean?  Does it mean I’m supposed to get out of these raggedy pajamas, huh?  Well, does it?  Oh just shut up!  I’ll go and put the rice to cook and hopefully by the time it’s done you’ll be more willing to cooperate. 

      Wait, could I be misunderstanding?  I mean it wouldn’t be the first time would it.  Let’s see . . . What should I do tonight? 

“My sources say no.” 

Your sources, what sources, you have no sources!  And you’re always so negative, why is everything no to you? 

“You may rely on it.” 

Rely on what?  Wait, that actually makes some sense.  I can rely on you being negative.  But why would I want to!  What kind of crazy ass psychic are you!

“Very doubtful.” 

You’re right, you are doubtful, or am I doubtful?  Either way something is doubtful, I’ll give ya that! 

“Without a doubt.” 

“Didn’t I already say I agreed?”

“Yes.”

“So now you answer my questions, well can ya finally tell me what we’re going to do?”

“Reply hazy, try again.” 

Wonderful!  Another screwed up prediction, I wonder if can get my money back!

“Concentrate, and ask again”

Right, like you would actually have an answer.  I think I’m better off asking the toaster! 

“My sources say no.”

Yeah, you’re right, the toaster has less substance; it’s not as logical as you are.  Although, I wish you’d get your story straight!  It would make my life easier that way!

“Don’t count on it.”

Maybe you’re right; maybe I should unscramble the puzzle that would give me a clearer answer.  Lets see . . . Don’t count on it . . . but that doesn’t go with the question.  How on Earth is this going to work? 

“As I see it, yes.”

How do you see it? 

“It is certain.”

What is?

“Without a doubt.”

There you go again!  It makes no sense!  Did I drop you or something?

“Yes”

Oh, wow, yeah I remember.  But that wasn’t my fault it was an accident.

“Outlook not so good”

Ah man, I broke you, how could I have done that?

“My Reply is no”

No, you’re not broken?  Oh, Jesus, I don’t understand you anymore.  What the hell am I supposed to do?

“Most likely”

Most likely, what?  That I didn’t break you?  Oh damn it to hell I don’t understand anymore!  I give up just shoot me!

“It is decidedly so.”