| As I'd mentioned in a previous post, PTSD has been controlling my life. It has been keeping me from leaving the house and visiting my mom. I barely made it to church and that's only a 10 min. drive. Just thinking about going somewhere would cause major anxiety attacks. I always had to double up on the anxiety pills just to ride anywhere. On Valentine's Day, we went to visit my mom in the nursing home. I didn't care about what it would take to get me there, I was going to go. My kids had made cards for her and drew plenty of pictures. We stopped by the store to buy some flowers. Martin and the kids had bought a teddy bear for me a couple weeks prior. It was a Momma bear holding a baby bear. When you pressed on its paw, it would say a little prayer. I told Martin I wanted to give it to my mom. It would be a reminder for her that she's in the Lord's hands. With all the pain she was in, I was hoping she would find comfort in that. Well, I forgot it!!! Even so, we were determined to have a good visit. My girls sang a song to their Lola. It made my heart sing to see her smile. I know her heart was singing. That was the first time, in a long time, that all of her kids were together. Unfortunately, we had to leave after being there for only 1 1/2 hours because I was getting real sick. My mom passed away 6 days later. I hated myself. I hated myself for not seeing her everyday. My goodness... even once a week would've been great. I hated myself for not being there. I just hated myself... so much so that I was wondering why the Lord didn't take me when I thought He was going to. It hurt so bad. I wanted it to stop. It was very hard for me to cling to the Lord and allow Him to carry me though that. All I could do was pray He would help me to take each step. If my foot was too heavy to lift on my own, He would move it for me. But, alas, He has a perfect plan that only makes sense to Him. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. Isaiah 55:8 I just have to remember that she isn't suffering anymore. And, one day, I get to see her again. We will all have perfect bodies and I can kick my Silly Yak to the curb. |
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| This song really helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life. Point Of Grace "No More Pain" She sits by the window with wandering eyes She has a song in her heart And a golden disguise Her body is torn because age doesn�t heal She�s not letting on About the pain that she feels But she knows in her soul That it won�t be too long �til Jesus comes back To carry her home... (chorus) Where there will be no more pain No more sorrow No more waiting For illusive tomorrows There will be no more pain No more dying No more striving or strain No more pain My mind�s eye remembers the trouble I�ve seen All I have been through, And how I long to be free But I learn by her patience that I need her resolve To wait for the opening of eternity�s halls And I know that in time we will stand side by side When jesus comes back receiving his bride (repeat chorus) 3x No more pain |