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| Welcome! I'm honored that you have decided to hear out my testimony! First off, I really think that you should know a little bit more about myself to get a feel of the true effect of the story that I am about to tell you. It is quite long, so hold your horses. I am now nineteen years old, and a sophomore attending the University of Wisconsin-Stout. I lived in a small town in Wisconsin. My K-12 school's size matches that of the town, with an average of 30 kids per grade. (My senior class had about 25 kids) I moved there half way through my Freshman year, and the extreme smallness of that backwater town was sort of a shock to me. I grew up in large towns, andmy mom and I moved every two years or so due to the onslaught of divorce between my mother and sister's father (AKA the Spawn of Satan) and my mom's inability to settle down in one place for very long. In larger schools, one does not find his or her identity as quickly or securely as he or she would in a smaller school. I think it was because of the fact that I was in larger schools that I was such a lost little soul. I experiented in many a dark past time such as witch craft and drugs. I was extremely resentful, to say the least, toward my mother for putting me through such a life of hassle and torture of moving so often and leaving my friends. I did not understand her situation, what she was going through herself, or that she was trying to make a life for me as best she could...it is hard to raise a problem child while battling with divorce from a Super Asshole and trying to gain custody of my younger sister. My mother and I never had a very great relationship because of this--because of my inability to communicate with my mother and our inability to understand eachother...and because of the distance I kept myself from God. When I moved to this school I was on the brink of self-destruction. I was struggling with myself and the ever-consuming idea of suicide. I remember writing in my journal about what I would put in my suicide note and wondering if anyone would miss me. I was so swallowed up in my own selfish self that I didn't notice the pain it brought to those close to me. By this time, I was used to moving ot new schools and making new friends...or just blowing everyone off and not giving a damn, keeping to myself and brooding in my self-contempt and loath for others.. This latter idea was the mode I chose to execute at the last few schools. I refused to make friends. My way of thinking was, "Why bother, I'll leave in a few months anyway." Luckily though, I decided to make friends at my last highschool school. If I hadn't tired to befriend someone right in the beggining, I believe that I would not have had any friends at tat school at all, and that I would have never been Saved. My first friends were not of the best groups of people, of course. I always found myself magnetically attracted to kids of the darkness. Some of them were in temporary foster homes...which meant that they had done bad things and spent time in Juvy, and going to this school and living in a foster home was a sort of recouperation. Let me tell you that, from what I've witnessed, sending kids to group homes rarely ever works. The wasted effort spent is usually futile, but that's beside point. The foster mother for my friend Jeneane made her go to a Youth Group. She asked a few of us to go with her so she wouldn't have to go to it alone for the first time. I was like, sure why not. At that time, I didn't even know what a Youth Group was. I remember my mom saying "It might be good for you. Straighten you up a bit." I was like yeah whatever. When I got there, I was like, what the heall? and I didn't go to it the next few times. But after that a few of us came up with a wicked idea...we could say that we were going to Youth Group, go there, and then leave and do whatever mischevious things we wanted. And that's what we did; we kept going there for a while, as if we were such model students and really into learning about God and Jesus, and instead scampering off to cause Hell.. One night, I had to catch a ride home from my now-best friend, Kraig. He is like...Mr. Super-Christian. I know that's kind of a stupid term...but that is how I think of him. He is on fire for God...reads his bible, went to a Christian College, and all that good stuff. But anyway... We got to talking, and I didn't get home until about an hour and a half later. He started talking to me about stuff...surprisingly not exclusively about God. He did put little tidbits about Christ in the converstaion, of course...he's good like that....but he mostly told me about his past and asked me questions about mine. This was how he got me to open up. I started telling him things I hadn't told anyone in a long time...and blah blah. You know how it goes. I got out of his car...and went strait to my room. As soon as I got there I bawled my eyes out. I had been planning to commit suicide that night and had stolen some type of heart medication from one of my friend's grandparents and I was going to purposefully OD myself. As I took out the bottle and dumped it down the toilet, I felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off my chest. I realised then that if it had not been for Kraig, I would have either been dead or at the hospital getting my stomach pumped...and facing a future of psycho-analysis and never-ending medical bills for my mother to scrape and scrounge for in order to pay. So from then on, because I felt a kinship with Kraig, I started actually attending Youth Group...and found that I liked it. Not neccessarily the God stuff, but the brotherhood I felt with everyone there. I was used to the hard hearts of the people I called my friends....so these Christians practically blew me away. In the winter of my tenth grade year my Youth Group went on a Christian Youth Retreat at a small resort (Campt Forest Springs). It was awesome! There were almost eight hundred kids there, all of them congregated in the name of God. I really just went along for the ride and a weekend out of the house. On the second night, my life was changed. The guy was was giving a sermon...if that is what you would call it...brought three chairs up on stage. He placed them side by side, and addressed the audience. "These three Chairs represent three different types of people." The man sat in the chair furthest to the left. "This is the man who has no light in his life. He does not go to church, he does not believe in God, and he is in the clutches of Satan. This is the man we must all pray for." He got up and moved to the middle chair. " This chair sithe man who goes to church to look good. He talks to God somewhat, but does not cunsult in him as much as he knows he should. He smiles in the face of his Christian brothers, and then turns around and laughs at their backs. This is also the man we must all pray for." Then, he moved to the last chair. I'll bet you know what's coming. "This is the man who lives his live for God. He does nothign before consulting in Him, and he spreads the light of Jesus wherever he goes. This is the man we all want to become. This is the Ideal Christian." He stood up and addressed the crowd, but he seemed to be staring strait at me. "Which chair are you?" That was the last thing I heard the man say, although his lips seemed to be moving further along in the lesson. I couldn't hear anything else, and before I knew it, I was sitting on the ground between the chairs and crying. Kids were streaming up to the stage and throwing themselves up around the first chair and praying and crying and holding on to each other...but I could not move. I wouldn't have gone up there if I would have been able to anyway; I did not feel worthy. I prayed then, between the chairs, collapsed on the floor with my big, yellow winter jacket pulled over me, as if I could hide under it (it's so huge I probably can). I prayed truthfully for the first time in my life I think. Four or five people whom I had never seen before came up to m and hugged me and prayed with me...that, I'll tell you, had an astounding effect on me. The congregation broke up into each individual youth group, and it was then that Kraig asked if I had been saved or not. I replied "No," and he lead me in the prayer of salvation. I was saved that night, righ then and there, amidst a lot of tears and redemption. I cannot tell you that it has been all fine and dandy from then on out. I can not tell you that I have been a model Christian, or that I am proud of all the things that I've done in these past few years. I can tell you, though, that I, along with many others who know me, have witnessed the changes that God has been putting me through. I would not go back to the way I was for anything...and every time I screw up, I just pray that God will find it in his infinite heart to forgive me again and continue using me as He sees fit. I am the leading member of my Youth Group now, I lead the worship service. I lead Bible study...and teach Sundayschool to fifth and sixth graders. I thank God every day for the opportunity He has given me to know Him and grow in His word and help others find Him as I did. Thank you for reading through this. Please leave your comments in my forum. It would honor me. |
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