Author: Crazy Charlie

Disclaimer: All characters belong to themselves.

Warnings: This story contains sarcasm. No harm intended, all written in the name of fun.

R.J. Stewart walks onto the lot in his director’s cap. He sat down on his chair with "Director" on the back and shouted, "where the hell are Renee and Kevin?"

Everyone on the set just ignored him.

Lucy was sitting in her "Star of the Show" chair filing her nails. "Find them, I don’t have all day. Julius needs feeding in half an hour."

All of a sudden everyone jumped up and rushed off to different part of the set.

Stewart looked at Lucy and she just smiled back at him. He was about to say something sarcastic but decided against it. After all, her husband signs his paychecks.

Kevin, Renee and the stunt crew walked onto the lot. "We found them. The stunt man was showing Ren how she should pull back when she kicks so that she doesn’t break Kevin’s ribs like she did with the extras."

Renee just flashed her innocent little smile and went to sit down on the chair marked "Sidekick".

"But we don’t have a fight scene for you today Ren." Stewart looked over his script.

"Renee thought maybe we can add one in. She got this whirlwind kick that she wanted to use on the show, and she thinks that if we add some extra springs on her trampoline, she can do a triple somersault in the air." The stunt coordinator said.

"No Renee, I’m directing this episode. Wait for your turn next season." Stewart pulled his

cap down lower so that the word "director" is clearly visible.

Some production girl quickly pulled out the "Hunk" chair for Kevin. Kevin sat down and looked at Stewart, "So, what are shooting next?"

"Well Kev, in this scene you grab Xena, tell her you love her, and proceed to get all hot and heavy with her."

"Again? I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who perpetuated incest."

"Well, we decided to scrape the whole father/daughter stuff. You are no longer her father, you are now her love slave. Rob wanted Lucy to be prepared for life after Xena. We don’t want the general public to think that she is a lesbian even though we try to sell the idea to those who wanted her to be one. We were going to use Hercules as her love interest, but then you know Sorbo got mad at Rob for canceling his show so now we just let Xena make out with different guys and go from there."

Lucy cut in; "don’t you read fanfics, Kevin? There’re tons of stuffs out there about you and me getting it on. Apparently Xena and Ares is a hot topic in the Xenaverse. We’re just trying to please everybody."

"So Lucy gets to be the hot babe, I get to be the boy toy for Xena, and Ren is the jealous little "friend" so that all the bases are covered?"

"That’s right." Stewart admitted.

"Why couldn’t Ares gets it on with Gabrielle? Tons of fans thought we had chemistry. You guys even wrote it into the scripts."

"No Kevin haven’t you been listening? We don’t want to create another "rift" by having them fight over you. Besides we need to have Gabrielle concentrate on Xena to please all the subtext fans out there." Stewart then turned to Renee, "But remember Renee, we can’t be blatant about it. We don’t want to lose the homophobic fans out there. We’ll leave it subtle so that they can’t be sure if you are jealous of Ares or of Xena. You know what to do right Renee, be subtle."

"Yeah, sure, I’m a really good actress. Wonder why I never got nominated for an Emmy!"

Stewart ignored her sarcasm, "and Renee, slow down, now that Lucy is back, we don’t need you to be the kicking machine anymore. Cut back on the karate stuff. No more running up the wall doing back flips. You are the sidekick remember?"

"Is that why I put on a good show when I fought Ares, the god, earlier in the season but got my butt kicked by Brutus, the mortal, now that Xena is no loner pregnant?" Renee asked innocently.

"Come on Renee, we can’t have both of you out there doing the same thing now can we?" Stewart tried to pacify her. He then changed the subject, "In this scene I want you to walk in on Kev and Lucy and just act jealous like you are about to tear out Kevin’s guts, okay?"

Renee just raised her eyebrows. "Couldn’t I at least kick him once or twice? I’ve been practicing all summer." She smiled sweetly at Kevin, "I promise I won’t hurt you this time, but I’ve been working on my jump 360 spinning heel kick and…"

"No Renee, haven’t you been listening?" Lucy interrupted. "We don’t need you out there kicking butts anymore. I’m back, just co-operate. Rob said he’d let you direct another episode next season. If you play your cards right, it might not even be a clip show. Where’s Renee’s body double? Maybe we can do the three naked Gabrielle thing again. That worked well last time didn’t it?"

Rob Tapert walked onto the set carrying Julius, "Hi Honey." He kissed Lucy and sat down next to her on a chair marked "Producer". "Why are you guys just sitting around? Time is money."

He looked at his watch.

Lucy took Julius from him and cooned to her baby, "want to see mommy kick butts?"

Stewart jumped in; "I was just explaining the next scene to Kevin and Rene."

"Oh that reminds me. We got a lot of positive responses from fans on the smirk thing. So from on I want Renee to smirk at Kevin every time they have a scene together." Tapert said to Stewart.

"Oh come on Rob, it might have been cute the first time, but don’t you think we’ve over used it?" Renee rolled her eyes.

"Don’t you surf the web Ren? That picture of you smirking at Kevin is plastered all over the net." Tapert looked at Renee’s hair; "By the way, I think we should change your hair color again."

"What?" Renee raised her eyebrows; "I’ve changed my hair color more times than Callisto got buried under a pile of rocks!"

"Well, it’s this demographic thing that we are working on. We need to keep the age 18 to 40

audience happy, and these kids only response to constant changes. We’re going to lose them if we don’t show them new hair and new clothes. Why do you think people watch 90210 for ten years? I also need you at wardrobe. We need to work on a new outfit for next season."

"Oh great, can I wear that outfit from Kindred Spirits? You know the one with the long sleeve shirt and pants. That was so comfortable, and I won’t have to do all these abs workout." Renee inquired.

"No Renee, we are going to work on something similar to what you have on now. They are going to try lowering the waistband and also shortening the skirt. We might change the top to a different color or perhaps just make it briefer." Tapert continued as Renee just looked at him like he just came out of the looney bin while Kevin just sat there and laughed.

"Yeah, why don’t you get those guys from FHM to fit her?" Kevin cut in sarcastically.

Rob turned his attention to Kevin; "Let’s talk business Kevin, are you sure you don’t want to come back next season?"

"Twilight of the Gods remember Rob? I’ll be pretty dead you know?"

"That’s okay Kev. How many times have I been dead?" Renee raised her voice and pretended not to see Tapert frowning at her. "If I can come back alive from a fall into the inferno without a scratch and an explanation, surely you can come back alive whenever you want. Or you can always come back as another character. Hey how about Ares’ evil mortal cousin that looks just like him, fights like a god and carries a torch for Xena?"

"Now Ren, stop being so sarcastic." Lucy cut in; "Xena is a mystical show. We don’t need to be conventional or explain anything. Things happen on Xena because that’s how people believe ancient Greece was like. People want to see beautiful women in skimpy clothes out there kicking butts, and that’s what we are giving them."

"Uh huh." Renee nodded and then pulled out her walkman and plugged in her headphone. "Well, if you would all excuse me, I need to study. Just let me know when you need me for the next scene."

"What is she studying now?" Tapert asked.

"She’s learning the Indian language in preparation for her big trip to Mt. Everest." Kevin replied. "Now that she has conquered Kilamanjaro, she wants to climb Everest."

"Hey, that gives me an idea, how about Xena battling the Gods on top of Mt. Everest?" Tapert asked enthusiastically.

"There’s the problem of oxygen." Kevin reminded him.

"You still don’t get it Kev, this is Xena. She can do anything." Lucy turned her attention to her baby, "Isn’t that right baby, mommy can do anything."

The End