By Sara

Disclaimer: All characters are property of MCA/Renaissance Pictures.

Timeline: After Amphipholis Under Siege. Just thought that Gabrielle had changed way too fast during season five. I love the warrior Gab, but I felt that XWP did not give us enough insight into how she felt about the changes in her character.

Violence: A little, but nothing graphic

Subtext: None

*********************************************************************************

Gabrielle flinched as Ares turned and gave her a contemptuous look. He noticed her reaction and smiled as he disappeared.

"Well, that was just a little too easy." Xena said as she walked toward the house. She turned back to Gab as she noticed she wasn’t following. "Are you coming?"

"Xena, did…did we do the right thing?" Gab stammered and noticing Xena incredulous look, she quickly added, "I mean, didn’t we sort of took advantage of Ares’ feelings for you and used it against him?"

"Oh Gabrielle, how could you possibly be so naïve?" Xena sounded amazed; "Ares doesn’t have feelings for me. He took what he considered the perfect opportunity to try to manipulate me."

"Xena, I could tell he was hurt."

"Well, if he was hurt, it was probably because of another part of his anatomy and not his feelings." Xena’s voice got softer, "Look Gabrielle, believe me, he would have came after you if he didn’t think he had more leverage over me. Trust me, he’s just a sick, conniving bastard. He doesn’t have any feelings."

Before Gabrielle could say another word, an arrow shot through the air toward Xena and her child. Gabrielle quickly intercepted it with her sais. She turned around and saw two of Athena’s warriors had returned.

Without thinking she grabbed a dagger off one of the dead man on the ground and threw it at one of the warrior. Not even pausing to see the result she charged the other and engaged her in battle. Concern over Xena and Eve gave her the edge she needed and she was able to disarm the other warrior in a short space of time. Without pause she plunged one of her sais into the other woman killing her instantly.

Gabrielle stepped back and looked at the two dead bodies and bit down hard on her lips.

She looked at the bloodstain on one of her sais and slowly dropped her weapons. She put up one hand and wiped the hair off her face. She placed her other hand on her stomach and swallowed hard. The nausea went away, but the guilt remained.

"Thanks Gabrielle, I knew we can always count on you." Xena smiled at her and still cuddling Eve in her arms walked inside the inn totally missing Gabrielle anguish expression.

"She hasn’t said two words all day." Xena was nursing Eve while Cyrene was tidying up the room. "Did you see the way she was picking at dinner?"

"It has been a long day Xena. Gabrielle is probably just tired."

"Well, I hope you are right mom. I’m really worried about her."

"Gabrielle has been through a lot lately. Just let her get some rest, she’ll be okay in the morning."

Meanwhile Gabrielle was lying on a bed in her room, but as hard as she tried, sleep kept eluding her. She heard all the sounds around her and knew when everyone was in bed as the old house settled in for the night. She sighed as memories of the last five years kept circling over and over again in her mind. She finally decided that she needed some air and got out of bed. She silently walked pass Xena’s room and continued out the door.

The sky had started to drizzle, and Gabrielle welcomed the rain. She continued to walk away from the house, hoping that the rain would clean her soul and wash away her pain.

She walked all the way to the outskirts of the village and sat down on a boulder.

She turned her face up toward the sky as the drizzle turned into pouring rain. She closed her eyes as the rain hit her full force in the face. The need to release the burden of guilt caused the tears to come rolling down her face

"Why?" Gabrielle jumped as a familiar voice sounded so close to her. She opened her eyes and saw Ares taking a seat beside her.

"Why?" Gabrielle was confused.

"Why the tears?" Ares looked at her and saw the pain etched on her face.

"Why do you care?" Came the soft reply.

"Let’s just say that I’m curious." He watched her shivered in the cold rain. He waved his hand across her and Gabrielle found a blanket had been thrown across her shoulders. "You came out dressed like that and you didn’t even bring your weapons, did you?"

"I’m not in a fighting mood tonight." She said slowly.

"It’s call protection Gabrielle." He added, "Athena’s warriors are still hanging around. You should have learned better by now."

"I don’t need a lecture from you Ares. If you have nothing constructive to say, why don’t you just go away?"

He shrugged. "First tell me what you are doing out here. I would have thought that you would be with Xena right now congratulating yourselves on your own cleverness."

"I’m sorry." Her voice was so low that Ares had to till his head to hear it. With a tremendous effort, she managed to stop the flow of tears. "We did what we had to do to save Eve."

"Yes, saving Eve. In the end that’s all that matter, isn’t it?" His said bitterly, "Well, you two achieved your goal, so why are you out here crying?

"Because…because tried as I might, I couldn’t justify all that I’ve done." She turned away from him but not before he saw the bright green eyes clouding with tears again.

"Gabrielle?"

"I’ve always believe in my instincts, but now a days my instincts are constantly telling me to fight, to kill. I’ve lost count of the number of people that I’ve killed since Eli brought us back to life." Gabrielle pulled the blanket tighter around her and continued, "Perhaps these are men with wives and children. How many fathers did I take away? How many husbands, sons, daughters?" The tears cascaded down her cheeks, her voice starting to choke.

"You know that it was a matter of kill or be killed, Gabrielle." Ares sighed. "You can’t take the time to think of sparing your enemies when in battle, or you are as good as dead. You know that."

"Perhaps, but what makes me think that my life was worth more than theirs?"

Ares looked at Gabrielle and thought of the irony of the whole situation. This girl is possibly one of his worst enemies. Here he was given the golden opportunity to destroy her. With a few well-chosen words he could damage her spirit and her confidence forever, but...surprisingly he couldn’t do it. She looked so vulnerable sitting there that he actually felt sorry for her. Him, the god of war, definitely a new emotion for him, and one which he does not plan to indulge in too often.

"It’s not a matter of worth. Have you ever killed just for the fun of it?" He asked. "No, of course not. Look at today, you were trying to save Xena and Eve. Ask yourself Gabrielle, have you ever killed other than to save humanity on one level or another?"

"I kept seeing myself as I was five years ago. How much I’ve changed." Her voice was barely above a whisper, "I feel like I’ve lost my soul, Ares."

"Look inside yourself Gabrielle, and you will still find that same idealist person buried somewhere in there. Sometimes life is about making difficult decisions. Once you’ve made them, it became simply an exercise of learning how to deal with the consequences." Ares couldn’t believe it himself; he came to goad and ended up trying to comfort her. "Even with all that’s between us and much as I hate you for it, I don’t believe that there is anyone on earth with a soul more pure than that of yours. You did what you did because your life with Xena dictates it. If you plan on staying with Xena, you’ve got to accept it and let it go, Gabrielle."

"I can’t." The words were dragged from her, "How many died today because of one child? Yes, I love Eve and I would give my life for her, but do I have the right to take another’s life? Doesn’t Athena, you and all the other gods have rights too? Athena was just trying to preserve her way of life. While we were trying to save Eve, she was trying to save her world. Who do we think we are to tell her that she is wrong?"

"I don’t think anyone of us actually knows what is right or wrong. The two emotions are equally strong. Athena felt the need to stop the twilight, and you wanted to protect your family. "

"Family? I gave up my family to follow Xena, and for what? So that I could become this…person?"

Even in the darkness Ares saw the anguish shinning through those bright green eyes of hers. He remembered her as she was five years ago, a little more than a child really, but with a smile that lighted up the sky. He hasn’t seen that smile for a long time, and he had to admit, he missed it.

"Gabrielle, you were destined to be more than just an average village girl. The day you decided to leave with Xena sparked your new destiny. Everyone changes Gabrielle. We grow and adopt. We are who we are because of the choices that we made in life. You know that you cannot live with Xena and still retain that innocence and naivete that you had five years ago." He noticed that the rain had stopped, and the sky was starting to light up with the appearance of the moon.

"I understand that I had to change, but how did I allow myself to become the person that I am today? Am I really destined to become a murderer? Because Ares, that is what I am today. How does a person deal with that?" She looked at him under the moonlight, "How do you deal with it?"

Ares was caught off guard, and it showed when he jerked his head in her direction. "I am the god of war, Gabrielle. Blood and warfare are part of my destiny. I can no more change that than you can."

"But don’t you ever feel remorse? Pity? Sorrow?"

Ares laughed without humor, "The god of war has no remorse; he feels no pity nor sorrow. His job is destruction and death. This is my job. It’s the reason why I was born. It is my destiny."

"You have had your moments. I’ve seen the side of you that can laugh, be amused, even wanted to be loved." Even though Gabrielle was only whispering, the quietness of the night carried her voice.

"You just have to believe that there is something good in everybody don’t you?" Ares shook his head, "I laugh when I see my enemy falls, I’m amused when people like you tried so hard to protect the innocent and yet failed. And what does the god of war want with love? It would only serve to cease my existence."

"But you love Xena. I know you do." She saw the amusement in his eyes, "But you went against Athena for her."

"There were never any love lost between Athena and I, Gabrielle." Ares shrugged, "Sure, I wanted Xena, but I don’t love her. It was a good way to get her under my powers again."

"I don’t believe you."

"The god of war do not fall in love, Gabrielle. I wanted a child, and Xena is the strongest woman I know. She just seems right for the job."

"You have children Ares, or have you already forgotten?"

"Yes, I have other children, but I wanted a child that I can watch growing up." He sighed but then decided that this is a night when he could afford to be honest with her. In a voice so low that Gabrielle had to till her head to hear, "I wanted to be a father."

Ares waited for her sarcastic reply, but nothing came. He turned and looked at her and saw her bemused expression. Her eyes glowed with amazement; the beginning of a smile tilted the corner of her mouth. All of a sudden he felt vulnerable. He decided that it was time to leave but was stopped by a hand on his elbow.

"I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you." Gabrielle said quickly. She didn’t understand it, but she knew he was about to leave. She grabbed on to him because she knew she would probably never get another chance to talk with him like tonight. The need to understand him, to perhaps find something redeemable in him overwhelmed her. All of a sudden even her own guilt became secondary. "I just never thought of you that way. I mean… you have always been the god of war."

"There is the need to nurture inside all of us. Being an immortal makes you think that you have all the time in the world." He shook his head lightly, "But with the twilight, I know my time is running out."

"It’s never too late to be a father, Ares. You told me yourself, we choose our own destiny. You don’t have to start over you know. You can still be a father to the children that you already have." She added softly, "Just show them the parental side of you. Be honest and listen. Guide them through love, not destruction. You can and will make a great father if you let yourself. Have faith, trust your instinct, and just show them that you love them." She stared at him and added, "You can choose the path of ignorance or you can choose the path to fatherhood. The choice is yours."

He looked at her and realized for the first time she really had grown up. This is no longer a little girl sitting beside him. This is a beautiful young woman. He saw her as she is; the short blonde hair tousled by the wind, the misty green eyes sparkled in the night and a mind so sharp and pure that it pierces even the coldest of hearts. He swallowed; she can so easily become the biggest complication to his immortal life if he lets her. He pushed the thought out of his mind and managed to keep his voice low and even. "How did you become so wise?"

She hesitated briefly. "I was a mother once." Her voice took on a different note. The sadness had crept back, "I wasn’t able to watch her grow. I wasn’t able to show her love or guide her through life. She might be my biggest failure, but I will always love her."

"There was no way you could have saved her, Gabrielle. She was born for a purpose, and that was to destroy this world." He saw the mist on those green eyes and her effort to hold back the tears. "Even if you had been able to be a mother to her and show her love and guidance, she would still have turned against you and everything that you stood for. Hope was a lost cause even before she was born. I know you carried that guilt with you for the last two years, but you need to let that go. There was nothing you could have done to change her."

"A mother doesn’t just give up on her child, Ares. That is something that I could never forgive myself for. I decided that she was evil and gave up on her." The tears started to run unchecked down her cheeks.

"You were in a no win situation Gabrielle. You did not fail with Hope. You might think that you are her mother, but she was never your daughter. You were simply used as a mean to bring her into this world, but she was always Dahok’s daughter." Without even noticing it, his hand went out and gently wiped away her tears. "I always wondered why you didn’t just push her over the lava pit, you ready to tell me now?"

"How could I? She was my daughter." She tried to remember how she felt that day. " I had to save Xena. I wanted to save the world. I saw no way out other than to kill Hope, but I couldn’t just send her to die alone, I had to at least be with her."

Ares shook his head, "So even as hopeless as she was, you still loved her. There are things that are beyond our control. Hope was one of yours Gabrielle. Keep her in your heart if you must, but let go of the guilt."

Under the darkness of the night, Gabrielle can be honest with herself. She can never totally get over her failure with Hope, but she can accept it now. She will always grief for her, but she can admit now that there was nothing else she could have done.

Ares looked into the horizon and can tell that dawn is fast approaching. It was time for him to leave. He stood up reluctantly and gently tucked a short strand of wind swept hair back behind her ear. "Well, that was interesting, but I guess I must be going." He looked at her long and hard, "Are you going to be okay?" The question was voiced before he could stop himself.

"Yeah…Umm, yeah, I’ll be fine." Gabrielle was surprised; somehow she seems to have bonded with Ares tonight. She had poured her heart out to him, and he had listened and understood her. She badly needed to talk to someone tonight. With the arrival of Eve, Xena hasn’t exactly had time for anything else. Surprisingly, Ares was here for her, "And Ares, Thanks!" She smiled at him; and it was an open, genuine, breath-taking sort of smile. The radiance of it blinded him for a while, and he was smiling back without even realizing it.

He stared at her a moment longer, and without another word, disappeared in a flash of light.

Gabrielle got off the boulder and took the path heading back into town. Yes, this is the path that she had chosen; the path of helping Xena, be the protector to Eve. This path might be long and winding, full of danger, adventures and heart breaks, but it was her choice to go down this path. Somewhere along this path she had lost her innocence, but she had gained a life long friend. She had to change in order to survive in this twisted path she now travels. The changes were necessary. She now understands that she will always be called upon to battle with the darkness and evil, but she will be up to the challenge. She might change and she might lose a part of herself, but ultimately she will triumph because she is strong enough to accept the changes in her. Her heart is in the right place, and nothing can take that away from her. The rain had somehow mirrored her troubled thoughts. It had helped to wash away the smell of death and destruction through the night, leaving behind the dawn of a new day.

The End