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Cat
Jokes
Flying Cat
Dwight Nelson recently told a
true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then
was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not
come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied
a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and
get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured
if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach
the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went
"boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The
pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a
little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit
this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was
at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her
shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone
knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so
much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little
girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the
child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives
you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go
out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue
sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her.
Cat Haikus |
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you. |
You *must* scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt. |
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow. |
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that. |
Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny? |
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands. |
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head. |
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?' |
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner. |
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit? |
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp. |
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue! |
Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside! |
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!" |
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey." |
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hair ball somewhere
Will find in morning. |
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt? |
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Cat Definitions
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed
allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty
pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of
until you try to play with them.
Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human
sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction
with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
Purrade: an organized march of cats.
Purradise: the garden of Cats.
Purramour: a cat lover.
Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
Purrson: a male kitten.
Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you
are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
How to
Painlessly Bathe Your Cat
Scrub toilet and flush
several times.
Fill toilet with warm water
and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
Drop cat in toilet and slam
lid shut.
Sit on lid - cat's efforts to
free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while
waiting.
Flush toilet a couple of
times to rinse cat.
Leap off toilet seat, dash
out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine
is lodged up their butt.
Leave kitty to sulk and dry
itself. Drink beer while waiting.
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