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| [01 Nov 2004 | 9:47 PM] Mood: Pissy Music: Chevelle's new CD Eh, today was a rainy, dreary day that just kinda put me in a bad mood. Not to mention the fact that Caleb is being an asshole. I'm kinda getting the vibe that I did something wrong, but I'm not sure what it is. He's been acting pretty strange lately. We were supposed to hang out this weekend because he had furlough for 48 hours and he could go home to Spencer. I told him I was busy Friday and Saturday night but that I'd call him Sunday and we'd hang out, and he said that was cool. And I tried calling him like 3 times on Sunday and he never answered. If I would have been the RTF calling, he would of been screwed for not being home. I think maybe he didn't go home at all this weekend, I figure he probably got in trouble or something and they put him back on phase one. But I really wouldn't know that because I haven't talked to him since Thursday. He never calls anymore. *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do. Word to you all- never date someone who is currently incarcerated. I tried to give blood today. I am not a needles kind of person, and I really pretty much freak out if I have to get blood drawn for anything. So this was a huge decision on my part, and I was really proud of myself. I got all of my paperwork, went through the whole series of questions, and then they pricked my finger to test my blood. Apperently I'm anemic, so they rejected me. I feel like such a scrote. I was pissed. I wanted one of those stickers that say "hug me, I gave blood today". I started my new classes today. Same first period, skipped second (I'm dropping the class anyway so I figured what the hell), skipped homeroom and lunch, went to Government (sucks my ass), and I have a study during 4th period. Basically, I have to be at school for like 2 hours a day. It's not even worth getting out of bed for. Grr I'm just pissed off today. I am an angry person sometimes. Work sucked my ass. I can't wait to get something pierced Thursday. I may not like needles but I'm all for piercings... I made something earlier this afternoon to try to cheer myself up. I was thinkin about how people always call Jeff "Downs", and how one day when we were at the park we made fun of a kid with downs that was beating his father. I came up with this. So maybe I am a really bad person. But I can't help it. It's funny. |
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| This is my page where I will be making entries about what's new with me. I think it's more for my own sake so I can get things out of my head (kind of like a diary). It'll more than likely be a bunch of random babblings or me raging about something, so if you're not into that I suggest you stop reading now. |
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| [31 Oct 2004 | 10:22 PM] Mood: Still buzzing from last night Music: DNA's Anodyne and Vena Cava playlist Yeah, it's been a while and I forgot to update this thing like I said I was going to. I'll try to update it atleast once a week, maybe more... We'll see. Had a kick ass time at the Halloween Bash in Sioux Falls last night- pissed that I forgot my camera though, had some stunning photo opportunities! GRR... All the bands kicked ass, it was so great to see Down and Above perform again, I missed their CD release in August- the last time I saw them was in June so I was more than slightly deprived. Awesome job to Grimmus as well with their first performance in Sioux Falls, I know we'll be seeing more of them soon! I got my Enfliade sticker put on my car this afternoon. I can't wait to drive around all decked out in my Enfilade shirt with my Enfilade stickers on my car and Enfilade cranked on the system. Too bad it's too cold to roll down my windows... *rolls eyes* I bought both of the shirts they were selling last night. I'm not sure why, perhaps just I just felt overwhelming compelled to support. Or maybe it was because Jeff told me if I bought both of them he'd give them to me for 7 dollars. Cept then he left and I got charged full price. Mmmm oh well... I got my senior picture proofs back a few weeks ago, and their ordered so they should be arriving soon. I scanned a few (tisk tisk) to share with my friends so I may as well put them on the site. I think I'm really self-critical or something, because I really don't think they turned out very well. But everyone else tells me they look great. Whatever. Other than that, life is going at a pretty hectic pace. School isn't bad but work is kicking my ass. I figured it up the other day and I'm putting in between 30 to 35 hours a week between my two part-time jobs. And I'm trying to graduate. It's a good thing I have easy classes. I'm going with my friend Kelley (also assistant manager at one of my jobs) to Fire & Ice in Spencer on Thursday to get something peirced. I'm not sure what yet. I can't really do anything to my face because Hy-Vee are a bunch of commie bastards and will make me take it out. It should be interesting though... |
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| [03 Nov 2004 | 10:15 AM] Mood: Tired -__- Music: Nothing but the ramblings inside my head... I am tired. And I have a headache. And I'm still mad at Caleb. He came into Hy-Vee last night while I was working, and he was standing in my line and he says "So... I didn't call you last night..." and I'm like "uh, yeah, I know". (Duh.... ???) I said "I did call you Sunday" and he's like "once". I got kind of upset at that remark and I'm like "Uh no, actually I called you 3 times. And I left you a message. I felt pretty dumb" and Caleb said "I won't argue with that". I'm like "with what, that I'm dumb?" Then he walked out. RAAAH boys are so stupid... >:( I stayed up way too late watching the election last night. My government class required me to do a shitload of homework for it and I didn't get home from work til almost 12:30. I went to first period already this morning but I don't think I'm going to class for the rest of the day. My head hurts too much to think about school. I just realized that pretty much no where on my site do I have a list of my favorite bands/music. Music is such a huge part of my life, it's top on my priorities. Even at school I'm involved with the band- I've played since 5th grade. I play the Alto and Bari Saxaphone, the French Horn, and the Mellophone. I've always wanted to learn the cello or violin; they're just such beautiful instruments. I think one of those will be the next one to tackle. As for music I listen to... I listen to a wide variety. My parents raised me on classic rock. Some of my favorite bands are... And I can't forget about my favorite unsigned/local bands! Wow I think that about covers it. Actually there are many more, but I think I should stop there. Also, local bands I hate would include: Awake Without (formally known as CFM), PGA, Shatterbone, and Lesser Known Saint. I think I'm gonna go back to bed now. Sitting in front of this computer is not doing anything for my headache. Gee I'm smart :P |
| -Pink Floyd -Led Zeppelin -The Doors -Aerosmith -CCR -Eric Clapton -Lynyrd Skynyrd -The Stones |
| -Jimi Hendrix -Muse -Deftones -Dead Poetic -AFI -Nirvana -Glassjaw -Cold |
| -Sevendust -Story of the Year -Seether -SOAD -Taproot -Chevelle -In Flames -Lacuna Coil |
| -Lamb of God -Shadows Fall -Helmet -A Perfect Circle -Tool -Silverchair -Killswitch Engage -Breaking Benjamin |
| -Down and Above -Everything Ends -Downstage -Enfilade -Light in the Addict |
| -38th Parallel (I think they broke up...) -Bahnson -Sue Generis -Inner Cell |
| -Seven Left -Grimmus -Point Defiance -Quietdrive -Asking Abby |
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| [05 Nov 2004 | 10:17 AM] Mood: In pain Music: Dead Poetic's first album Four Wall Blackmail I did it! Kelley and I went to Fire & Ice last night and I got two piercings! They're both in my ear. I got the rook and directly across from it an upper cartilage piercing. I don't have pictures of mine yet, but this is pretty similar to what they look like. The first one they did was the upper cartilage. It didn't hurt so bad, but the guy couldn't get it to stop bleeding and had to apply a lot of pressure so that hurt. I saw the paper towel soaked in blood and felt it running down my neck; thats when I got really sweaty and felt like I was gonna throw up. My vision got all dark and blurred and my hearing went fuzzy and ringing and my hands were tingling. I asked him why and he said it's because I was in shock and I almost passed out. I was like, oh... nice. He went ahead and did the second piercing, the rook. Now this one hurt. He applied a lot of pressure to get the needle to go through my ear, and I heard him swearing and I got kinda scared, cuz I didn't know if he fucked up or something. I was yelling *shit aaaah fuck* and he was all *damnit*. I was told it was borderline amusing to watch. The second one didn't bleed much at all, in fact it didn't start bleeding til almost five minutes later when we were standing there, but it didn't last long, just kinda dripped down my ear a bit. Kelley and I were both hungry so we went to a mexican resturant afterwards. I had blood in my hair and I was worried about people wondering wtf happened to me, but the lighting in the resturant was very dim so I don't think anyone saw it. Kelley's ear had stopped bleeding by then too- she got the industrial piercing (the bar that runs through two holes in the top of your ear) and was going to get the tragus (below the rook, more common) done too but also got really lightheaded after her first piercings so she backed out. It was a very successful night! I am really happy with my piercings. They hurt a bit this morning and they're gonna be a bitch to keep clean but it's totally worth it. My friends who saw it love it. It's different than anyone else's, so that's cool. My mom doesn't like them. *rolls eyes* |
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| [07 Nov 2004 | 10:08 PM] Mood: Pooped from work Music: Glassjaw Eh work sucked tonight, I am beat. I went shopping in Sioux Falls today. Bought some jeans, got a kick ass Sublime shirt at Hot Topic. I saw this awesome In Flames shirt with tour dates and stuff on the back, and I was like whoa I want it, but all they had were like, larges and XLs, and that's way too big. I was sad. I previewed the new A Perfect Circle CD while I was there too. I didn't realize it wasn't a new CD with new songs on it... It's just a CD of re-done songs that they released on election day as their *political statement* or something. I dunno, I was disappointed though. I didn't get to hang out with Caleb at all this weekend again. He was busy during the afternoon on Saturday and I had to work that night, and I went to Sioux Falls today and I had to work tonight. I miss him so much, I never get to see him or talk to him anymore. He met with his Restorative Justice Panel Thursday night, and he gets out in 2 weeks. I'll admit that I'm scared for that. Of course I'm happy for him to be getting out, there's nothing I want more in this world than for him to have his freedom back and be able to live his life. But at the same time, the future is so uncertain, and it scares me. He'll be able to do what he pleases, and what if he finds someone else; what if he doesn't want me anymore? It's just my mind messing with me, but I'm parinoid like that. I've never had my heart broken before. Every relationship I've ever had I've ended, and it's pretty much always been mutual. If Caleb ever broke up with me, it would hurt a lot. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't even know why I am talking about this. It's not like it's something I need to worry about. I think I just like to prepare myself for the worst case senerio all the time. I'm listening to "Secret Song" by Glassjaw. It don't know why I do this to myself, but when I'm bummed I listen to sad music that makes me even more depressed. I'm pretty sure I feel like I'm gonna cry. Stupid girl. >:( Glassjaw - Secret Song Fradulant miracles make miracles seem shit The rice paper princess Gets two for her flinches (Fuck You) In the midst of the perfection Rain on the parade Made this crowning day The horns on the hood of the saint (Fuck You) "Never the two shall meet" Said the tiger to it's greatest fan "The amount of love you wish to give is more than I can stand" Now you leave me in defeat Leave me a battered broken man The amount of love you wish to give is more than I can stand Now I have you where I want you I know that you are listening This is my chance to tell you everything (Fuck You) My chance to tell you I love you But I've waited too long And now the record's over Now the record's over (Fuck You Again) I just want things to work out between Caleb and I. Why do things have to be so confusing and complicated... I just wish he was here to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be ok. |
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| [17 Nov 2004 | 11:25 AM] Mood: SHIT Music: Dead Poetic Wow, I just read the last entry I put in almost 2 weeks ago. I've got a lot of updating to do... Caleb and I broke up Thursday of last week. He went on furlough and I didn't see him all weekend, and while he was gone I got to talking with one of the RTF guys I work with. I found out that Caleb had been having relationships with other girls while we were dating. This RTF guy asked Caleb about us breaking up, and Caleb said "Well I'm not too upset about it; I've already got 2 bitches- 1 from Sanborn and 1 from Spencer". Ouch. I was planning on ripping into him when I saw him again, but it turns out I won't be seeing him for a long time, if ever. While he was on furlough he took off and no one could find him, so they charged him with attempted escape. So he failed the residential treatment facility program and is now looking at the original set of charges he was facing before they suspended them, which was 2 years in prison. I I figured he'd probably be either at home or in the county jail waiting to see what they were gonna do with him, so I drove to Spencer last night to give him his stuff back. He wasn't home when I got there, and so I just sat and talked with his mom and her husband for a while. They said I could stay and wait for him if I wanted to but they didn't even know when he was coming home, if he was even coming home at all that night. I've never cried this much over a guy in my life. I don't even know why I am. After what he did to me, I should hate his guts and never wanna see him again. But I still care about him a lot. It hurts so much and I don't know how to make it stop. You know how most of the time when things are shitty, you have someone to turn to to make it feel a bit better? I realized for the first time last night that there isn't a soul who can make this go away. There is no one who can make this pain go away except for Caleb, and even he can't make it better; he can't take back what he did. I just keep praying to God to make it stop and take this hurt away. I realize that time is the only thing that can heal me. Time for the memories to fade. Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessionals So this is odd. The painful realization that all has gone wrong and, nobody cares at all. So you buried all your lover's clothes, and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesn't make it any better, does it make it any better? And the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade. So this is strange, our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all. And the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening, and keeping you from sleep. And breathing is a foreign task, and thinking's just too much to ask, and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights. Well this is incredible, starving, insatiable yes this is love for the first time. And you'd like to think that you were invincible, yeah well weren't we all once, before we felt loss for the first time. This is the last time. |
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| [19 Nov 2004 | 10:34 AM] Mood: Angry Music: Avril Lavigne's album "Under My Skin" Avril Lavigne is not my typical kind of music. But the lyrics on her newer album "Under My Skin" are so full of anger and anguish; I can really really relate to them right now. There are parts of different songs that are really expressing my feelings now. Take me Away- "All the pain I thought I knew / All the thoughts lead back to you / Back to what was never said / Back and forth inside my head" My Happy Ending- "You were all the things I thought I knew / And I thought we could be... You were everything / everything that I wanted / We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away / All this time you were pretending / So much for my happy ending" Nobody's Home- "Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why / You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind / Be strong, be strong now" - "She wants to go home, but nobody's home / It's where she lies, broken inside / With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes / Broken inside" I'm just so angry and pissed off right now. I guess I'd rather feel this way than totally crushed and broken. Just when I think that things are getting better and I'm feeling better about everything, I revert back to this. All I do is think about him, ALL THE TIME. This has to stop. I'm going to go insane. I just wish he knew how I felt. He doesn't know how much he hurt me, but would it really change anything if he did? There's a warrent out for his arrest. I know I will never see him again. I know I can't ever see him again, or I'll never get past this. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ::throws bottle of glue at the wall:: I'm such a basket case. I feel so weak. This sucks, raaar :( |
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| [07 Dec 2004 | 11:29 AM] Mood: Just kind of here Music: Green Day - Blvd of broken dreams It's been a while. Had a good Thanksgiving; things have been pretty uneventful lately. Doing fairly well in school actually for a change, so there's a plus. I've been really busy with work lately, and on top of that my winter sports started a few weeks ago. I'm in the pep band so I have to be at all the home basketball games, and I take stats for the our varisty wrestling team, so I'm really busy. It's ok though, it keeps me out of trouble I think. I recently started talking to an old friend again. Him and I had been on the outs for a few months, over some stupid argument. We started talking again the other night, and it feels really good to know that I don't have to worry about that anymore cuz things are fixed. I had missed talking to him a lot cuz we were really good friends before all of this happened. It sucked not having him to talk to with what's been going on. So that's kind of been a highlight for me. I gotta go back to class, so I'll finish this later. |
| [05 Jan 2005 | 11:17 PM] Mood: Happy Music: Muse Hey all- it's been a while since I've done anything with this site. Sometimes I just loose interest, you know how it goes. Had a great Christmas, and an even better New Year's if you know what I mean. My car died a few days before Christmas, so as a present to me my parents co-signed a loan for me. I now drive a 1990 Grand Am (2 door, white, very well taken care of) and my payments are 68 dollars a month. Whoa that just might break me :P Things are actually going semi-decent for me for a change. I don't think about Caleb as much anymore, although I still have those nights. Things are getting easier. I've been really busy with work and school, and both are going pretty well. There's really not a whole lot to update on. |
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| [12 Jan 2005 | 12:01 PM] Mood: Exstatic Music: Enfilade's newly recorded songs!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Enfilade recorded a few more songs last week and put them on their site. I D/Led them... Excellent. Absolutely excellent. These boys have so much talent... You all should go out and download some of their songs!! http://www.enfilademusic.com Go now! You won't be disappointed! I actually went to a party these guys hosted last weekend in Sioux Falls. Killer house party, the band played and it was an awesome time until the cops showed up... As far as I know all the minors got out without incident, so that's great to hear. They've got another show coming up this Saturday in Canton, I'll have to check that out! I haven't been working as much lately as I usually do. It's actually a really nice change to have some time off and be able to spend it with my friends. I was able to go to Sioux Valley in Sioux Falls to visit my friends Amanda and her fiance Dan who were in a car accident. It meant a lot to me that I could go see them, I'm really thankful for the time off. We had a late start for class this morning, which was good for me cuz I partied with some friends last night. I was greatful for the chance to sleep in a bit. We had a good time. I'm in good spirits as of lately. I like being happy. |
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