the fear that makes you run

Her name was Sarah, spelled with an “h” and Michael loved her. She was everything to him, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

They’d met on a rainy afternoon in April. She was standing at the curb when he came out of his office building. She was soaked to the bone, holding several shopping bags and trying to hail a cab in rush hour traffic. He noticed her immediately as he walked towards the black Lincoln parked near where she stood. His car was in the shop, so he was using his firm’s personal car service for the next few days. A dark-suited man nodded at Michael and rushed over with an umbrella.

“Just a minute, please,” Michael said. He took the umbrella. “You can wait in the car, I’ll be right there.”

Michael strode over to the woman, who was looking more distressed with each passing yellow cab that failed to stop. He held the umbrella above her, and she looked up, surprised that the rain had stopped falling on her.

“Do you need a ride?” Michael asked. “I have a car waiting. I can drop you somewhere.”

She blinked rain from her lashes and studied him.

“I can assure you, I’m not a criminal, and my intentions are completely without devious purposes,” he said with a smile.

She laughed a little. “How can I be sure of that?”

He pointed behind them to the building. “I work here. If anything bad happens to you, report me. My name is Michael Scofield, and I work at Middleton, Maxwell and Schaum.”

“Well then, Michael Scofield, my name is Sarah Middleton, and I accept your generous offer.”

It was Michael’s turn to blink. “Are you Frank Middleton’s daughter?”

“I am, and I’ve heard a lot about you. My father says you could make partner in a few years.”

“Ah well, your father is a very polite, but I really doubt that. Let me help you with these bags.”

He picked up two of them and guided her towards the Lincoln. She crawled in while Michael and the driver placed everything in the trunk. Then Michael slid in beside her and the door closed. He placed the folded umbrella against the back of the seat and reached into his jacket pocket for the handkerchief he kept there.

“Here,” he said, passing it to her.

She took it and dabbed at her face and neck. “Why do you say that?” she asked.

“Say what?”

“That you doubt you’ll make partner. I’ve seen your work. It’s incredible.”

Michael shifted a little and cleared his throat. “Where did you need to go?”

She told him the address on North Clark Street and he relayed it to the driver. Soon they were pulling out into traffic.

“You’re a very talented man, Michael. My father says so, and so do the other partners,” Sarah said. “You just have to believe in yourself.”

He shrugged and leaned back against the leather seat. “It’s not my goal to be partner. I just want to do good work.”

Sarah smoothed back her hair and folded the handkerchief in her lap. “That’s a very admirable thing to say. Most people only want to be the top dog, no matter if they’re good or not.”

“So where have you been, Sarah? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around the office before,” Michael said.

“I just came back from a backpacking trip in Europe. Six weeks. My last chance at playing before I enter the real world.”

“What do you do?”

“I’ll be working at Saks starting Monday. Accounting.” She wrinkled her nose. “Rather boring stuff. I’d love to work at your firm, but I suck at drawing.”

Michael laughed. Sarah smiled at him and reached over to place her hand on his knee.

“You have a nice laugh,” she said.

“Oh. Thank you.”

“Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” she asked, scooting closer so that their thighs were touching.

“Well, I don’t know. Wouldn’t that be a little inappropriate?”

“Why?”

“Because I work for your father.”

“To be honest, I think he’d be pleased.”

Michael looked at her for a moment. He felt his heart flutter against his chest, an unfamiliar feeling, and he nodded slowly.

They had dinner together that night, and the following night, and every night after that for two weeks. Michael was a complete gentleman, and it wasn’t until a month later that he finally invited her to his apartment where they made love. She stayed over, and the next morning, when he woke up to her curled against him, he knew he loved her.

They became inseparable, and suddenly Michael found himself the center of much office gossip, but it was never mean. His co-workers knew him well enough to realize he hadn’t started dating the senior partner’s only daughter on purpose, or with the master plan of climbing the corporate ladder. They were happy for him because he had finally found someone.

Sarah was everything Michael wanted in a woman. She was beautiful, strong, smart, and most importantly, she was kind. She didn’t judge others based on money or looks. She didn’t care about material things, and the fact that she did have money and beauty only made her more aware of others that didn’t. When he told her about his community projects, working with the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization and donating money to charities that benefited orphaned youths, she jumped in with him. They spent many Saturday afternoons together at the local shelters, spending time with kids. Sarah loved his empathetic nature and she told him often that he was like some kind of saint.

She was the first person he felt comfortable enough to discuss his low-latent inhibition with, other than his doctor. She listened and nodded, holding his hand and dropping soft kisses on his knuckles, and Michael fell even more in love with her.

It was late October when Michael made the decision to propose. He spent hours in upscale jewelry stores, studying diamonds. He learned all about the four Cs. He became a diamond expert in his own right. When he finally found the perfect one, he designed a setting for it and placed the order. It was ready right before Christmas.

The evening he planned was special, dinner at her favorite restaurant on Christmas Eve. He’d had to pay extra just to reserve a table there. She was meeting him there because she had to stay late at the store.

He had the ring in a velvet box, tucked inside his pocket. He wasn’t nervous, but calm. He knew this was right, it was what he wanted.

She arrived on time, looking perfect as usual, and she made her way over to him. He stood to pull her chair out for her, and once she was settled, he sat down across from her. She was beaming and the glowing candlelight from the table made her appear ethereal and radiant.

They ordered a bottle of wine, and after it was poured, Michael said he wanted to make a toast.

“What are we toasting?” Sarah asked with a laugh.

“The past eight months,” he said. “They’ve been the best eight months of my life, and all because of you.”

Sarah reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. “You seem different. You’re not usually one for sugary sentimentality.”

“I know.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box. He set it in the center of her place setting and smiled at her.

The corner of her mouth twitched and her expression changed. Michael noticed instantly. She dropped her hands to her lap and exhaled softly.

“Is this what I think it is?” she asked.

He nodded.

Tears filled her eyes and she rubbed at her arms. “Michael, I...This is...”

Frowning, Michael folded his hands and sat back. “Not what you want,” he supplied for her, his voice dull.

“I love you, I do,” she said quickly.

“But?”

“I just don’t think it would work.”

“Could you please elaborate?”

He was angry, not hurt, and she could tell. She swallowed and picked up her linen napkin, twisting it between her fingers.

“You’re so different,” she said. “In a good way, of course. I mean, I don’t know anyone as nice or sympathetic as you. And the way you care about others, wholeheartedly...” She shrugged. “I wish I could be more like you in that respect.”

He remained silent, watching her squirm, but certainly not enjoying it. She licked at her lips and glanced around the crowded restaurant.

“But the truth is, I can’t be like you. I’m not the person you think I am,” she continued. “I’m selfish. I’m petty. And while I do enjoy doing your charity work with you, I would rather be sailing off the coast of Maine, or lounging on a beach in Nice.”

“We could still do those things, Sarah,” Michael said. “I’m not understanding what you’re saying.”

“Michael, you’re a wonderful man,” she said. “You are. I just don’t think I’m the right woman for you. I can’t be the hero you want me to be, and I don’t think anyone can be. In your mind, all people are good and perfect.”

“I’ve never expected perfection from you,“ Michael said. “What’s really going on here?”

Sarah looked down at the napkin, then slowly raised her eyes to his. She blinked and tears rolled down her cheeks.

“You frighten me, Michael,” she said softly.

Michael wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. “What?”

“Your intensity about everything, your passion for fixing things. It’s great in the business world, but it’s not so great in a relationship.”

The room tilted a little as Michael focused on her, taking in her appearance. He saw the facets of her diamond earrings as they glistened when she moved. He saw the small laugh lines around her eyes, the tiny mole near her hairline. A tear fell from her left eye, and he watched it leave a trail down to her chin, but part of the tear stayed stuck in her lashes.

“You’re doing it right now,” she said, jerking him out of his thoughts. “You’re analyzing everything about me. It’s a little freaky, Michael. It scares me.”

“I don’t do it on purpose,” he said through clenched teeth.

“I know you don’t, and I thought I could learn to live with it. But I can’t.” She set the napkin on the table and pushed her chair back to stand up. “I’m sorry, Michael. But I can’t.”

He didn’t say anything as she walked away. He didn’t even go after her. After a few minutes, he put on his coat and headed for the exit, the ring box in his hand. On his way, he passed a happy young couple having dinner.

“Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt,” he said, “but I thought maybe you could use this more than I. Merry Christmas.”

He handed the box to the man, nodded at the woman, and left the restaurant.

Outside, he hailed a cab and went home. Sitting in the backseat, he tried to see the world in a different way, in the way that normal people did. But as soon as he focused on something for more than a few seconds, he was seeing its layers, its complexities. It wasn’t something he could shut off automatically, and it wasn’t something he’d ever been ashamed of.

And he wasn’t ashamed of it now. It was part of who he was, what made him the kind of person that he could face in the mirror everyday.

It was Sarah that had the problem. So, he made a vow to never become involved with a woman named Sarah, no matter how she spelled it.

That vow came back to bite him a couple of years later when he was putting together his escape plan. He stared at the yearbook photo of Sara Tancredi, daughter of the governor, and the doctor at Fox River.

“Well, at least she doesn’t spell it with an ‘h’,” he muttered and continued planning.

~end