Stallone. Estevez.

I know what you're thinking: "Wow, what a cast!". Not to disappoint, but this film stars JOE Estevez and FRANK Stallone. Other psuedo-celebrities embarrassing themselves here are Karen Black (a one-time Oscar nominee) and William Smith (of Maniac Cop).

The Legend of the RollerBlade 7 is the fourth entry into the popular(?) Roller Blade series. This sequel has the distinction of making the title RollerBlade into one word. All the others are titled Roller Blade. Now, this is just ONE of the many mysteries here. Another one is: The plot. What is it about? Hmmm. As far as I can tell, Legend follows blonde martial artist Scott Shaw (of the fabulous Return To Frogtown: Frogtown 2) as he rollerSKATES (not blades) across the same alley where the drag racing scene from Grease was filmed. Here, in a post -apocalyptic future, he fights bad guys while a mummy wrapped in bandages picks a banjo. This is a scary version of the future, as Joe Estevez and Frank Stallone rule supreme.

The fight scenes have been choreographed by Ray Charles. Not one swing of a sword is believable. For the most part, the actors just look at eachother and pose. Meanwhile, the characters somehow manage to sneak up on their opponnents. I'm optomoistic, but come on! They're IN A DESERT. HOW can you possibly appear out of nowhere? My favorite character, you ask? Some old guy who knows inside information. He sits in a beach chair by himself, wearing only a long-sleeve shirt and tiny red underwear. Did I mention he's SIXTY years old. Uggggh. *shudder*

By the end, you realize your mind has been numbed by the incoherent rambilings of the writer/director, Donald G. Jackson (the creative force behind those Frogtown films - hey, does anyone have a copy of Toad Warrior: Frogtown 3?). As with any movie starring Joe Estevez, the tape contains a trailer for something featuring Robert Z'Dar. I can just see the casting director talking with their agent: "Hi. Yes. I'd like to order the washed up celebrities package. Right. That will be Joe Estevez, Frank Stallone, Karen Black and William Smith. $1000 for 3 days? Sold!".

The Low Point: You've heard of a double or triple take during action scenes? Well, The Legend of the RollerBlade 7 invites you to enjoy the quadrouple triple duo octagle take! Where you see the actors swing a sword using the same shot not twice, but fourteen amazing times! And here's the kicker - you never see the swing LAND!

The High Point: The lead's incoherent footwear. Sometimes he's in shoes. The next shot roller skates. Hey - whatever the scene calls for he's wearing. And here's proof that director Donald G. Jackson didn't need to go to film school. Now, what's continuity?

The Bottom Line: The lead's incoherent footwear changes. Sometimes he's in shoes. The next shot roller skates. Hey, whatever the scene calls for - he's wearing. And here's proof that director Donald G. Jackson didn't need to go to film school. Now, what's coninuity?

The Bottom Line: There isn't one decent action scene, line of dialogue that isn't dubbed BADLY or shot of photography without the cameraman's shadow. Isn't this enough of a recommendation?