What can Universal destroy next? Hmm...let me see, The Blues Brothers? Nope, already done that. For Richer or Poorer? Well, even I admit the original stunk. How about Jamie Lee Curtis' career with Virus? Wait...I know, The Mummy, a classic 1932 masterpiece which Hammer Films already proved could be remade into an effective adrenaline rush.

Alright...what's next on the agenda? I know, casting! Who is perfect to play an archeologist/dashing explorer type? Pierce Brosnan? Mel Gibson? I got it! Encino Man's Brendan Frasier! Even better, we will support him with a hammy cast, including Chain Reaction's Rachael Weisz and Deep Rising's Kevin J. O'Conner.

After completing these feats, a good script has to be found. Wait, what am I writing? It is much easier to retread the Indiana Jones films than coming up with your own plot. And, even better, let's throw in a PG-13 rating, proving that horror films don't need blood or violence to be scary. Hell, let's be completely unfaithful and not even make it a horror film! How about an action/adventure/slapstick comedy? One so chock-full-of one liners, that even Rodney Dangerfield would pass it up!

The best is yet to come. Our director should be a man of dignity, someone involved with classic horror/adventure set pieces. We don't want just any old hack destroying the remake of one of the all time great films on celluloid. Harlin? Spielberg? Carpenter? Craven? Maybe even Costner? Nope...how about Stephen Sommers, the helmer of the entertaining ham-fest Deep Rising? Perfect!

Last, but not least, comes the mummy itself. Let's open the film with an intruiging twenty minute segment about it's origin, then cut to hammy adventure scenes and forget all about the plot. Next, let's fire one million bullets at the hero, make the heroine a cutesy dumb-blonde type and end the film with a hammy one-liner. Comic relief is always a must, so it will be provided by O'Conner, the mummy's henchman, who will have more screen time than the mummy itself. Make sure to have lots of loud special effects, as the story will have no continuity. Finally, let's leave its end open for a sequel...as it will surely be a box office giant! ACTION! ROLL! PRINT!

The low point: Anytime a charater is about to get it, the film cuts to another scene, almost telling us "hey, I know this is violent, but we won't show anything offensive on-screen. We'll just insinuate it. That way, with the PG-13 rating, small children can buy tickets to this shlock-fest".

The high point: Joe Don Baker isn't in it.

If you love waisting 124 minutes of your life, then this is for you. If you love seeing computer generated special effects compliment wooden generated acting, then this is for you. If you are deaf, dumb and blind, then this crap-fest is definately for you. Unfortunately, only one or two scenes are laughably bad. The rest are just plain bad. Rated PG-13 (how did you guess?).