Blood Freak, stars ex-Tarzan (well, Zan, as the European filmmakers couldn't get the North American rights to the name) Steve Hawkes. It originally opened (God, someone payed to see this in a theater!) with an x-rating, despite being a Christian backed horror film. Maybe this rating was introduced to scare people away from seeing this clunker.
As the film opens, our "narrator" introduces us to Herschel, a motorcycle ridin', peace loving freeloader. Wait, back that up. Yep. I said "narrator". This character is a chain-smoking, fifty something greaser, looking as if he's hosting an episode of Walt Disney Presents. Of course, the cheap ass wood panneling in his trailer(!) cheapens this effect, along with his polyseter shirt. Back to Herschel. Something happens. I think a Christian girl breaks down and he aids her problem. I'm not quite sure though, as the opening scenes along Florida's Turnpike are too shoddily filmed. Anyway, he ends up a a party with the girl and is introduced to her "evil" pot smoking sister. The sister, immidiately in love with Herschel, gives him a toke of a laced joint - trying to make him an addict just like her. Meanwhile, Herschel gets a job at the local poultry ranch and becomes a test subject for two crazy scientists (played by some of the worst actors in motion picutre history, though I love their obligatory smocks). He must eat turkey with a growth altering drug, making sure it's safe (yeah, I'd do this). Finally, the inevitable, happens. The pot Herschel (now a mary jane addict) smokes reacts poorly with the scientists test drugs and boom...he becomes a blood thirsty turkey monster.
Where do I start? The plot's not the only inane thing here. Check out the dialogue, which ranges from theoretical Christian babble, to a Reefer Madness-like anti drug commentary. One thing baffles me. Why would relgious folk fund a movie with so much violence? Sure, it's badly filmed and innoffensive, but still, can't they find a better way to spread the word than with an ultra cheap horror flick. Leave my X rated movies alone!
The low point (there's 2!): 1)The chainsmoking "narrator". Near the film's conclusion, he goes into a coughing fit. Must be seen to be believed. 2) The musical score. Possibly the worst biker-themed guitar pieces ever. Absolutely hysterical!
The high point: It seems as if the editor made a slight error in the opening credits. He lists the title "starring Steve Hawkes" twice.
The bottom line: What can I say about a film that offers us a "narrator" who is clearly seen reading a script off his lap? Not much, except...go find it now. A classic.
