Okay. This one deserves a fifteen page critique, starting with the opening credit (yes, that's right, I said CREDIT). A title screen proclaims Alien Beast for more than a minute and a half, as bargain-basement, made on a Casio keyboard music resonates from what sounds like a cave. This title is tastefully superimposed over a static shot of a rubber mask concealed behind a blue sheet. Suddenly, without warning, the music abruptly ends and a jump cut takes us to a long shot of someone's front yard. That someone is director, editor, writer, producer, set designer, prop manager, sound man, and cinematographer Carl J. Suckenick, who stars as Commander Carl J. J. Suckenick (in a clever bit of writing). Now the torture begins. Suckenick, who has a speech impediment of some sort, narrates the entire film in double talk. Example; "Alien Beasts are attacking! Alien Beasts are attacking!". As Suckenick enters the frame, we notice an unusually large hump on his back. Creepy. Now, enter the villians, who appear to be his neighbors concealed by rubber masks. By this point, you notice the camera angle hasn't changed once. But wait; it gets worse...much worse. Suddenly, the music from the opening credits plays ON THE SET, as wind blocks us from hearing the song. Suckenick, who to my knowledge must have lung cancer, coughs constantly during this scene (and the rest of the film for that matter). We then actually see him walk up to the camera and shut it off!
My next caveat comes as we are introduced to Al, a seventy year old man who witnesses all of Beast's proceedings via a computer monitor. His character is never developed or explained, so I just assumed it was his grandfather or some relative. Then, Suckenick remanices about some little girl who died in a meltdown of some sort. Suddenly, we are introduced to a nude, masked girl who trains topless with nunchucks in some wharehouse of some sort. Then Al's computer monitor displays mispelled typed messages about the end of the world as Suckenick tastefully narrates them. Example #2; "Commander Carl J. J. Suckenick is to the rescue!" "Commander Carl J. J. Suckenick is to the rescue!". Whew. It even goes more downhill. A "core" meltdown begins to occure, meaning the neighborhood is now superimposed wth a "negative film" special effect. Then, the plot develops into a one-on-one fight of good vs. evil. One shot contains an impailed android, or mutant (who cares?), bleeding for seven minutes straight. Finally, the inveitable happens. The music begins changing with each cut of the film, again displaying how all backround ongs were played on the "set" during filming.
This, without a doubt, is the worst film I have ever seen (and it DOESN'T even star Joe Don Baker!)
The low point: Carl J. Suckenicnk as Commander Carl J.J. Suckeninck.
The high point: The conclusion, where Carl, standing on his front porch, proclaims; "Everyone's dead. I win!".
There is a sequel to this...somewhere, titled Alien Massacre 2 which I am seriously trying to find. I suggest you do the same. I'm not sure on the run time, as this required MULTIPLE attempts to make it through to the end.
�1999 Sith Design
