.humor:
 

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, then lie."

"Smile. You'll scare the people you don't charm."

"Next time you plan to do something that will probably get us all killed, please tell me in advance so I can knock you unconscious."

"I don't SEDUCE women, I simply present them with a delightful alternative to sleeping alone."

(Ronfar -- "Lunar 2")

"I'm not so concerned with what you're doing as the idiotic way you're doing it."

(Vincent Valentine --"Final Fantasy 7")

"You damned irritating miniature beast of burden!"

(Shrek, to Donkey --"Shrek")

"Nothing good can come from staying with normal people."

"If people don't listen to you, try shouting. If they still don't listen, open fire."

"You can't make a person love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best."

"Weird? Weird? The talking bird wants to know if getting information on the location of an alien from a whale, that you've just saved from sharks, by turning into dolphins... you're suggesting that's weird?"

(Marco --"Animorphs #4: The Message")

"Never go to bed mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible revenge."

"You are hazardous to my health. Go away."

(Laura, to me)

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you want to die."

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damned fool about it."

The only way they could MORE tell you that Erts is in love with Zero was if there had been a red arrow glowing over the boy's head as they said so, with "IN LOVE WITH ZERO" set inside it in blinking neon lights."

(Kay-san)

"Why should I kill you? By all rights, natural selection should do that on its own."

"Here's an idea: why don't we stop complaining about pointless things we can't change and do something useful?"

"The key to any relationship is sincerity. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy."

"If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents."

Ivy: "Yeah, the Lord of the Rings movie was good. I kind of liked the elf-guy."
Allie: "Legolas. He's SO HOT."
Ivy: "Who I really liked was Aragorn."
Allie: "Mmm. He's SO HOT, too."
Ivy: "Although, I'm starting to think that he should take a shower by now..."
Allie: "... ah! To get him naked! Good idea!"
Ivy: "....how old are you, again?"

(Ivy, then me)

"So tell me: what's it like living in a constant haze of stupidity?"

(Hiei, to Kuwabara --"Yuu Yuu Kakusho")

"What were you planning on doing for an encore? Standing on a hilltop during a lightning storm wearing a wet suit of armor and yelling 'All gods are bastards!' at the top of your lungs?"

(Draco, to Harry -- the fanfic "Draco Dormiens", by Cassandra Claire)

"It figured. Even when he wasn't required to be killing things, Yu spent his time practicing to kill things."

(the fanfic "Breaking Even", by Kay Willow)

"Thanks for keeping me from being a liar."
"What?"
"About your having diarrhea."
"For you I'd get dysentery."
"Now that's friendship."

(Nikolai and Bean --"Ender's Shadow")

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off."

(Stephen King)

"It's okay. Not everybody hates you. Just the vast majority."

(Elliott, to me)

"Remus tended to make excuses a lot, some believable and some utter crap, and when the latter type appeared, Sirius felt it was his civic duty to point them out for the frauds that they were. Lying was an art, after all. One must not misuse the sacred power."

(my fanfic "Second Year, Second Chances")

"For crying out loud, why can't anybody tell the difference between true beauty and the beauty of Satan come to send your soul to immortal damnation?"

(Kay-san)

Police Officer: "We've been after you for a long time, buddy. Do you know your rights?
President of NAMBLA: "Rights? Does anyone know their rights? [beat] You see, I've learned something today. Our four fathers came to this country because, they believed in an idea. An idea called 'freedom.' They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute, than to understand."
Kyle: "Dude. You have sex with children."
President of NAMBLA: "..." [beat] "We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys; we were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well... then, I guess you'll just have to put us away."
[sympathetic music plays; pans to people thinking about this man's message.]
Kyle: "Dude. You have SEX with CHILDREN."
Stan: "Yeah, y'know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you."
Kyle: "Seriously."

("South Park")

.serious:

"I've always said you make a choice in this world. You can see the world as being tragic, or you can see it as being funny. Some things just flat-out aren't funny, of course. But with very few exceptions, you can usually find the humor in life and in people. I guess if you want to see the world as being sad, terrible, unfair, boo-hoo boo-hoo, that's fine. But man, what kind of life is that?"

(Marco --"Animorphs")

"Certainly they all are men, and to all of them freedom is given; but they all are also subject to destiny. It is not up to us to condemn them because they were free, as it is not up to us to excuse them because they were under their destiny. We cannot judge them."

(from the essay "The Riddle of Inequality," by Paul Tillich)

"Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frusterating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

(from the essay "Letter from Birmingham Jail," by Martin Luther King Jr.)

"If you know your enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of 100 battles."

(Sun Tsu)

"A leader is someone we can admire without apology."

"Turn your face towards the sunshine and you will not see the shadows."

(Helen Keller)

"Divine anger so great that it contemplated the extermination of man did not bear close examination."

(from the essay "This is the End of the World: The Black Death," by Barbara Tuchman)

"Life is exactly fair. People ain't fair, but life sure as hell is. Most of us just ain't willing to accept it."

(Mr. Nak -- "Ironman")

"If you don't like me for who I am, then you don't like me for who I am. But all you're going to get is who I am."

(Avril Lavigne)