May 2000 - Top Of The Pops - The Usual Suspects: A TOTP Crime Squad Feature
In a world awash with boy bands, not all are as they seem. Turn over for the terrible truth behind these five angelic face...
A wave of crim is sweeping through the pop world. Rumours of indecent dress, attempted fraud and theft are rife. We have called in five particularly shifty men for questioning...
Filan, Egan, Feehily, McFadden and Byrne. You have been arrested on suspicion of commiting a series of sneaky crimes under the guise of a clean-living popular music band which operates by the name of Westlife. You have the right to remain silent but you should know that anything you do say can and may be used as evidence against you.
The fashion police are on patrol. Which Westlifer is most likely to be arrested for indecent clothes sense and slung in the back of the van?
Kian: Shane! He can wear the silliest of things. Do you remember Tenerife? We all met up by the pool in our shorts and flip-flops and then Shane appeared: naseball cap, singlasses, white vest, green summery shirt, swim shorts, bum bag...
Bryan: Big white socks and black Nike trainers...
Shane: No! Don't remind me of that!
Kian: We said 'Where are you going Shane?' And he was all (puts on a gormless voice), 'What? What?' He looked like such a tourist.
Mark: Shane;s not bad overall but that day he looked terrible.
Shane: It's a fair cop!
You've just finished a slap-up meal in a cafe but you've all forgotten your wallets. Who suggests doing a runner?
Kian: Feehily definitely.
Bryan: Yeah, Mark's really crafty. You could be sitting there chatting to him and without you noticing, he'll just get up and walk away.
Nicky: If Mark did a runner and got caught, he'd be the kind of person who's say, 'What are you talking about? It wasn't me!'
Mark: (Desperately trying to defend himself.) Only for a laugh!
Nicky: I've seen him do it in a cafe at Heathrow Airport. He picked up a trayload of food, walked straigh past the till and sat down.
Mark: You can't let TOTP print that! (Too late!)
You've bought a round of drinks at the hotel bar and the barman mistakes you for one of Five. Which of you guys craftily signs off the bill to Five's room withouth saying a word?
Nicky: Every one of us!
Bryan: Hey, we'd never get mistaken for Five. In their dreams!
Kian: Can I just say, we didn't say any of that stuff in the papers about wanting to beat up Five?
Mark: We weren't even misquoted. It was made up.
Nicky: It made us look silly though cos Five supposed called us 'boring wimps' and we apparently called them (puts om wimpy voice) 'rude thugs'. As if!
You see some horrible graffiti about Westlife. Who would whip out their marker pen and retaliate?
Nicky: If I sae something horrible about me I'd probably write something in return but if it was about the band I'd ignore it. We saw an awful lot of horrible things about Boyzone when they first started out. You know, nasty names and that.
Bryan: I once vandalised a Westlife in Dublin. I drew moustaches and glasses on our faces.
Shane: The next day I said to Bryan, 'Did you see our poster with graffiti all over them?' He cracked up and I couldn't figure out why!
Nicky: I look up the music page on Ceefaz every day and last night I read a letter from this guy slagging Fool Again. He was saying, 'Don't Westlife ever do anything upbeat?'
All Saints used to lie to their fitness trainers about how many sit-ups they'd completed. Which of you guys is most likely to slack off in the gym?
Nicky: Me! I always lie to out fitness instructor! i hide round the corner for ten minutes and then appear again huffing and puffing, pretending I've just finished a long run.
Shane: Nicky hates the gym more than anyone!
Nicky: It's because I trained every day for two years. I don't want to any more. Coming up to the tour though I will work out and get myself fit.
Bryan: Ha! Yeah right!
Nicky: Well, I hope to.
Bryan: (Putting on a weedy drip voice.) Oooh, please no, I have a tummyache!
Shane: Let's face it, none of us are fitness freaks.
A pop star is accused of lying about their ages. Which Westlifer would be responsible for this terrible crime?
Nicky: Feehily. He's lie about his age to girls.
Bryan: He sometimes pretends he's 25.
Mark: Don't I get a say here?!
Nicky: No! Just imagine Mark was chatting you up, he'd look at me on the sly and say, 'Nicky, I'm 21 today, OK?' and I'll go 'Whatever'. I have to back Mark up when he lies to girls.
Shane: I'm sorry but I think Kian will age the quickest, physically and facially. Kian's groove's scooting back quickly, you know! (Everyone bar Kian falls off their chair in fits of laughter.)
Kian: Oi, that's my natural hairline!
Shane: I'm not saying it's bad now but the groove might scoot. I'll probably go bald too. And Nicky...
Nicky: I'll wear a cap every single day.
Mark: I'll always have lots of hair.
Bryan: Me too. I'll be like Brian May with the big long hair right down my back.
You want to spice up an interview - who is likely to tell the first fib?
Bryan: Mark.
Mark: No, I'd say Nicky.
Nicky: I wouldn't lie about anything serious but I do like to wind people up.
Shane: Nicky makes up stories every single day!
Nicky: On the video shoot in Mexico we were surrounded by riot police. They were there to protect the equipment but I told the guys it was because we'd been insured for a million pounds each!
Mark: We totally believed him.
Bryan: I never lie. I can't.
Shane: I always lie when I fill out hotel forms. I never tell them my real name and address.
Bryan: Actually when I was 16 I lied about my age on my bus pass. I wrote down that I was 21 and the guy stamped it without even looking! Ha!
The Spice Girls once peeled Posh's knickers off and threw them out of a car window. Who's most lieky to do that to one of his Westlife bandmates?
Kian: Now this has actually happened... (To the others.) Whose boxer shorts did we throw out of the window of La Reserve? (Posh London hotel.)
Nicky: Bryan's, but only because he's chucked my lucky socks out first.
Bryan: No, no, no. Nicky threw my boxer shorts out the window first and then I spied his lucky socks. He never goes anywhere without his lucky socks when we're doing a TV show.
Shane: Nicky and Bryan both gasped and dived for the socks at the time.
Bryan: But I grabbed them first and chucked them out. Nicky had to run around the next day to find them.
You see an old lady shoplifting a tin of Whiskas in a supermarket. Who's most likely to help her out of the shop undetected?
Kian: Nicky. He's very kind.
Mark: I'd bust her.
Shane: I always help old people. (The other guys roar with laughter at this comment)
Bryan: Shane always helps old ladies across the road!
Shane: I respect old people. Mark and I sat down for dinner with an old lady at a show we were doing. She was sat on her own so we joined her. We didn't even know her or anything.
Nicky: And then you robbed her purse!
Mark: He's joking.
You've got a busy day with the band ahead. Trouble is, you're suffering the aftereffects of a night out. Which of you guys spins a yarn to bunk off?
Shane: Mark.
Mark: What?
Nicky: (Mimicking a dopey, dimwit voice.) 'The lift doesn't go to the top floor!' Mark's always late and his excuses are a joke.
Mark: I'd like to defend myself please.
Shane: No, we'll tell the story! He arrives 15 minutes late for a meeting on the top floor of our hotel.
Kian: His excuse is, 'Erm, well, erm, da lift doesn't go to the top floor. I said, 'But Mark, I've just got out at the top floor.' So he goes, 'Ooh, erm, well, it got stuck/'
Mark: That's not true.
Bryan: OK, I can definitely prove that mark's the biggest liar. We were leaving this hotel and we said to Mark, 'Did you steal a bathrobe from your room?' He denied it but we looked inside his bag...
Nicky: And there were, like, 15 bathrobes stuffed inside!
Mark: Yeah, I took the bathrobe, OK? But it was only the one. The others were all mine! Honest.
The Verdict
Well, well, well. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? Mark Feehily you have the mind of a master criminal! Oi, there's no need to look smug, Nicky Byrne... you too have proved yourself to be a devious individual. In fact, all five of you are guilty of masquerading as squeaky-clean, butter-won't-melt-in-your-mouth pop stars. Grannies across the land might be foiled by your con act but you can't pull the wool over our eyes, lads. Under normal circumstances we would send you down for ten years' hard labour in the TOTP Magazine office. However we fear such action will chaos and riots across the land. In view of this we hereby sentence you to 20 years' community service on the condition that you will continue to entertain the world with top pop tunes. You have had a lucky escape, boys!