Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!

... other than the notorious -- and justifiably so, I might add -- BEE-MAN, that is. )

Such preamble is all the requisite I need to launch us, headlong and a-whimper, into the gaping maw of yet another of Harvey Comics' (best known as the purveyors of such kiddie fare as CASPER, THE FRIENDLY GHOST and RICHIE RICH) ill-fated and ill-advised 60's forays into the world of super-hero comics publishing: the tiresome TOP SECRET ADVENTURES, starring Spyman.

Formerly "America's top espionage agent" (it says here), the tackily-attired adventurer known as Spyman was possessed of an "electro-robot hand," enabling him to utilize such cutting edge technology as miniature cameras [middle finger; boy... bet taking pictures unobtrusively got this guy into all kinds of trouble, under the circumstances] and short-wave radio transmitters [pinky finger].

(Interesting Side Note: it has been rumored for quite a few years, now, that the Spyman feature was, in fact, the very earliest professional work of a young Jim Steranko [!!] While I'd certainly prefer not to believe that one of the chief architects of the late 60's Marvel Comics revolution was culpable for such obvious four-color swill... any concrete affirmation or denial from any knowledgeable reader(s) out there would be considered a favor by This Narrator. Maybe even to the extent of some sort of Official Citation on this site, by way of return. How 'bout it, troopers...?)

But: picking on the Harvey Comics line of super-heroes -- while undeniably enjoyable to the point of enervation -- is, really, too easy by half. Let's go see what atrocities the big boys have balled up and shoved all the way in the back of their rhetorical "sock drawers," shall we...?

As much as I hate to single out a member of my beloved Legion of Super-Heroes for censure, in this regard... I think the awkwardly-named "Tenzil Kem" -- better known to fans of the genre as Matter-Eater Lad (which is scarcely any better, really) -- merits inclusion here, as well. With the "super-power" (and, obviously, I am using the term in its loosest possible sense) of "ingesting and digesting any form of matter, instantaneously" as his sole claim to fame [see pictures, below], the most obvious question isn't: "why would a super-hero team boasting of such spandexed luminaries as Superboy; Mon-El; and Ultra Boy even induct such a goober into their otherwise august ranks," but, rather: "should DC's staff writers be allowed to cobble up character concepts, absent regular sobriety checks?"

(You know... the very notion of "super-digestion of matter" forces one's mind along entirely unnecessary musings, re: the... ummmm... entirety of the digestion process, As We Know It. I don't think we need to get any more, ahhh, explicit than that, really, under the circumstances. I'm only flesh, after all.) )

However: some of DC's most shameful and egregious examples of mental "vapor lock" are (oh, coincidence, surely) among their lesser-known series conceptualizations.

Example: how many of you out there, reading these words, have even heard of "The Creature Commandos"...?

As originally explicated by (believe it or not) writer/creator J.M. DeMatteis -- yes, of course, that J.M. DeMatteis; how many of them do you think there are at any one time, anyway? -- the Commandos were [see the cover, below, if you don't believe me] a vampire; a werewolf; and a Frankenstein's Monster-style golem, all tarted up in army regalia and assigned the unenviable task of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines during the darkest, most desperate days of World War Two.

None of these were actually "characters," in the commonly accepted sense of the word; they were simply character traits, pasted onto each one, in turn, seemingly at random. The lycanthrope was a reckless, good-natured "good ol' boy"; the patchwork man was a tortured, pacifistic mute; and the vampire -- the nominal "brains" of the outfit, and identified (for no readily apparent reason) as "Velcro" -- was oh-so-bitter and sardonic. And this, mind you, from the guy who wrote MOONSHADOW.

Now, none of this is to say that such a (seemingly) harebrained concept couldn't be alchemized, somehow, into a readable (or at least coherent) little series, of course. More has often been done with less, after all; even such bone-headed characters as Image Comics' SPAWN have enjoyed lengthy title runs, and have their own (less demanding, I grant you) fans.

However: as the sample above (on my honor, a wholly representative one) readily makes manifest... no lack of effort was spared, in the instance of the Commandos. "War," as they say, "is Hell."

Before the DC Comics partisans out there start to twitching, however... let me hasten to assure you: Marvel has its own spandexed running sores aplenty. And then some.

For my money, none of these comes closer to outright imbecility than the Marvel mutant (of which there are, I assure you, quite a few more than necessitated either by the dictates of storytelling or sense) known as "Goshi" -- the Japanese word, we are informed, for "garbage."

Quite right; quite right. [See pictures, below]

As per his first appearance, in the mercifully brief NEW MUTANTS spin-off title, FALLEN ANGELS, the geeky and bespectacled Goshi had no "super-powers" of his own, per se. Rather: he was followed here, there and everywhere by a pair of super-powered entities, under his (seeming) total suasion. Whenever danger beckoned, Goshi would calmly step to one side... and the pugnacious pair (referred to, throughout, as "Don" and "Bill") would take matters into their own appendages.

Oh, yeah: did I forget to mention...? "Don" and "Bill" were a pair of Crayola-hued lobsters [see pictures, below].

It's difficult, you must agree, to imagine precisely under which circumstances a scrawny nerdboy named "garbage" who controls super-powered crustaceans might occasion the gleeful shout of "eureka -- !!" from anyone not still given to picking idly at the scab left behind by a reasonably recent lobotomy... but: this particular folles de uno was the spavined brainchild of the otherwise blameless Jo Duffy, who authored the seminal issues of Marvel's POWER MAN AND IRON FIST.

And people wonder why I so tirelessly champion the D.A.R.E. program in our nation's high schools.

Finally: no discussion of Really, Really Awful Marvel Comics Moments, hero-wise, would be complete without at least a passing nod granted to that most famous of foursomes. Four costumed adventurers who were very nearly family; four who gained their fantastic abilities by means of a cosmic "accident," of sorts. Four heroes who counted Doctor Doom as their chiefest of nemeses.

I am, of course, referring to KISS. )

As I understand the sequence of events leading to This Abomination Unto the Sight of a Merciful God, mega-talented author Steve Gerber -- he of well-deserved DEFENDERS, OMEGA THE UNKNOWN and HOWARD THE DUCK fame, among other truly notable achievements within the comics field, circa the 1970's -- was exposed to the heavy metal music of Kiss during a concert, and was struck by the realization that the band's trademarked costumes and make-up would be quelle perfect as super-hero regalia.

Now: I am perfectly willing to make the embarrassingly "retro" admission that I not only have no problems with Kiss, the band -- indeed, I even own the bulk of their musical catalogue; mock me as you will -- but: I also kinda like the Monkees; the Clash; and Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, and I sincerely doubt that their masked-and-costumed exploits amongst the hoi poloi of the Marvel Comics super-set would strike me as being any more rational a storytelling "choice," all things being equal.

"A willing suspension of disbelief," to be sure, is (or should be) the comics fan's credo...

...but: the notion that playing a kickass bass riff on "Lick It Up" or "Love Gun" while slathered all over with various Revlon products qualifies one to duke it out mano y mano with the cosmic likes of, say, Mephisto...

... now: that, friends and neighbors, is just plain ol' Major League Stoooooooopid-On-a-Stick. )

HERBIE POPNECKER: The Most Omnipotent Being In All Of Comics History

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