Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
CHEEKS'CHOICE: "IF I RAN THE TEEN
TITANS..."
(PART TWO)
Here are a few more former Titans ("Teen" or otherwise) whom Unca has no intention of utilizizng whatsoever, by the by:
Baby Wildebeest. Bumblebee. Damage. Jericho. Jessie Quick. Lilith. Magenta. Mal Duncan. Pantha. Phantasm. Red Star. And ANY character who's ever been considered an official member of Team Titans.
Make that: ESPECIALLY any character who's ever been considered an official
member of Team Titans, come to think. 
7.) ARGENT
Once upon a time, there was a comics writer/artist by the name of Dan Jurgens; and he came up with a notion for a brand new, completely-
divorced-from-all-prior-incarnations "take" in DC Comics' TEEN TITANS franchise.
Said series conceptualization turned upon such newly minted characters as Prysm, Fringe and Joto (Swahili for "heat"); most all of whom were, sadly, completely and irrevocably lame (English for "lame").
Most all of 'em, that is.
The teenaged light-wielder codenamed Argent -- a former "Valley Girl"-
type mall puppy; spoiled good and rotten, and possessing (initially)
all the finer, nobler instincts of noted hotelier Leona Helmsley -- was
the sole spandexed (you should only pardon the expression) "bright spot" anywhere
to be found within the pages of the Jurgens-era TEEN TITANS; spunky, spoiled
and as mind-bogglingly self-obsessed as any fictional harlot or houri
this side of the Bette Davis character in OF HUMAN BONDAGE.
The character has quote-"matured"-unquote somewhat since those earliest initial appearances, mnd -- people just don't bloody know when to leave well enough alone, ninety-nine times out of a hundred; have you noticed? -- but: Argent's personality still retains just enough of that tart BEVERLY HILLS 90210 flavor to merit inclusion, within our projected team's ranks...
...and, as an added little "bonus": she,
too, has some... ummmmm... history with key "core" member Robin,
the Boy Wonder.
Of course -- diehards being diehards -- there wwill be someone, somewhere out there, who will feel it incumbent upon themselves to point out that Argent is, at present, romantically entangled with that modern-day TITANS poster boy for The Perennial "B"-Character, Damage...
... but, then: that's precisely the reason special "In This
Issue! Somebody DIES!" installments were cobbled up in the
first place, isn't it...?
(*Sigh*. Letters. Unca is gonna get so blamed many letters...)
WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: ... rhymes with "witchy."
8.) KID FLASH
That's right. You heard Unca.
KID Flash.
Time-tossed and/or spatio-temporally misplaced comics characters are (when handled with even the barest modicum of craft or intelligence) veritable four-color storytelling fountains for outre plot elements; characterization opportunities; and offbeat thematic avenues; it's traditional for the Titans to enjoy the services of a super-speedster-in- residence...
... and -- let's face it -- based upon the evidence provided us, thus far: Jessie Quick couldn't possibly be any less involving a
character, overall. (I mean: if super-heroes were food... she'd
be mayonaise on white bread, all right...?)
Iris West, on the other hand -- alternate universe hyper-accelerant first introduced within the pages of Mark Waid's KINGDOM limited series -- simmers and seethes in the juices of her own curdled resentment, re: even being a lineal descendent of the present-day Scarlet Speedster. (Daddy always favored her slacker speedster sibling, you see.)
Which -- given the gargantuan twin tonweights of Burden and Assumption accompanying any new Titan bearing the surname "West" -- makes for heavy duty dramatic fireworks right there, actually.
You see how easily this sort of thing is accomplished, then, with a
little planning and forethought.
Unca Sez: do a Captain America on her.
Let's see her run with the big dawgs for awhile.
WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: She's not Jessie Quick.
9.) J.J. (JOHNNY THUNDER)
... and: speaking of unlikely legatees to established heroic tradition(s)
Only a certifiable maniac, ultimately, would even seriously consider attempting a modern-day reworking of that hoary (if no less fondly remembered, for all of that) four-color chestnut: the Golden Age Johnny Thunder ("Say, You!") character.
DC's never-quite-housebroken pet maniac, Grant Morrison, worked a nicely effective "twist" on said concept; reconceptualizing the "Johnny Thunder" of today as a nervy (and disconcertingly profane) "Artful Dodger" type, who half-stumbles into sole and rightful possession of his very own nigh-omnipotent djinn.
Once again: we're skewing towards youth, here, membership-wise...
... and: given that the writers of JSA have, apparently (as of this
writing) no intentions or plans concerning this charismatic character anyways
WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: It's a long-standing comics cliche that the most mind-bogglingly powerful member of any super-hero team is almost always the most resolutely noble one of their spandexed number. (JUSTICE LEAGUE: Superman. AVENGERS: Thor. DEFENDERS: Doctor Strange. LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES: Mon-El. And so on, and so forth, and yadda yadda yadda.)
Just this once: Unca would like to see the team's Biggest Gun
be their designated pain in the ass.
10.) FLAMEBIRD
One of the great, all-time underutilized TITANS characters, really...
... basically, because: she's one of DC's great, all-time championship
tramps.
Rescued from virtual four-color oblivion by the husband-and-wife writing team of Barbara and Karl Kesel, during their landmark HAWK AND DOVE run -- which only looks more clever and relentlessly innovative by the storytelling day, really, in retrospect -- this saucy, spandexed nymphomaniac "plays" best as being juuuuuuusssssssst competent enough to legitimately hold her own (so to speak), super-
heroine-wise; while simultaneously embarrassing every male team co-member (and torquing off the female ones) with her non-stop litany of chirpy double entendres; appreciative cooings; and frankly speculative stares at anything with the right sort of "bulge" in its leggings.
She already interacts well with the equally lunatic Gar [Changeling] Logan; makes a picture perfect confidante, insofar as Argent is concerned; and would end up causing both Robin AND Green Arrow to blush their ways furiously through TITANS meetings, twenty-four/seven.
Sold.
WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: ... gentlemen: she IS the "party."
I'm just sayin', here, is all.
11.) HARDROCK
... and yet another criminally neglected Kesel character, as
it so happens. (Somebody run right on out and buy DC Comics a frickin'
clue, all right...?)
A meek, much-bullied and set-upon inner city youth in his "civilian" guise: talisman-wearing Ross Richman finds himself gifted with the ability to transform himself into a jumbo-sized, nigh-invulnerable stone behemoth by the (admittedly) improbable name of Hardrock; capable of giving even the likes of (say) Superboy a decently protracted struggle, push come to proverbial shove.
UNlike his closest (projected) team member in chronological age, however -- i.e., the streetwise and self-absorbed Johnny Thunder -- Young Master Ross is possessed of a burgeoning and adamantine social conscience; his attention (and anger) more frequently aroused by issues such as "slum" housing; street gangs; and drive-by shootings than jumped-up costumed bank robbers and would-be world conquerors.
... and, of course: he provides us with another... y'know... non-
caucasian face in the mix. (Not a bad thing to bear in mind, in matters such as these.)
Unca genuinely likes this here kid, campers'n'camperettes.
Unca likes him a whole lot, actually.
WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: Every super-team needs a "brick," ultimately; a strong man who can juggle baby elephants, and/or bench press the occasional Volvo.
For this team, then: Hardrock is it.
12.) HEX
Mebbe DC should just go ahead and bite the damned bullet, and let one (or
both) of the Kesels do the whole "Titans" thing.
A marvelously imaginative meta-fictive conceit, really: Fledgling Runway Fashion Model finds herself periodically (and wholly involuntarily) possessed by the restless and combative spirit of a long-
dead ancestor.
Said "ancestor" being, in plain point of fact, none other than DC's greatest and signal "western comics" character: violent and embittered bounty hunter Jonah Hex.
Now, admit it, people:
That's just sixteen different flavors of premium grade, mack daddy c-o-o-l.
So long as she(he) is holding onto any standard sort of firearm or ballistic weapon: the edgy and exciting Hex can spontaneously generate non-lethal psychic "bullets," at will; and is (naturally) a devastating crack shot, to boot.
The gender-bending Hex is one of those natural, once-in-a-lifetime concepts which -- when properly executed -- pays off big, big dividends on behalf of the careful and conscientious craftsman; offering equally potent avenues for drama and (bleak) humor, alike.
Plus: every super-hero team worth its putative salt just plain ol' needs a "loose cannon" type, really.
Can't get much "looser," super-heroically speaking, than a scarred and remorseless
paid assassin, can you...?
WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE PARTY: The team's oldest member -- one of its few chronological adults -- is a supernaturally-spurred schizophrenic.
That's just gotta make for natural, grade-"A" story material.
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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