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NIC'S PICS AND NIX
by Nicolas Juzda
"Superman's Super-Courtship" (written by Jerry Siegel and drawn by Jim Mooney) originally appeared in ACTION COMICS #289; and has been reprinted an astonishing three times (minimum), in ADVENTURE COMICS DIGEST #496; LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES ARCHIVES #1; and (most recently) in the SUPERMAN IN THE SIXTIES trade paperback collection.
I have no idea why DC keeps exposing what should be a dark and closely kept secret to the light of day, unless it's to distract us from some even more bizarre and insulting tale.
If that's the case, I pray I never see the comic they're trying to hide.
After a symbolic splash page, our story begins with Supergirl relaxing at home in her secret identity of Linda Lee Danvers, in front of the television.
It is easy to believe that with all the bizarre and wondrous things Supergirl has seen over the years, she might become a tad jaded. We could suppose that old movies might not thrill her quite the way they used to, when she was a wee lass on Argo City.
Not so, however... for she's bawling like a baby.
"How... pitiful," the Couch Potato from Krypton sobs. "Th-the bachelor in that movie delayed proposing too long! His sweetheart has married another! Now he'll never know true happiness! *CHOKE* I feel so sorry for him!"
After a brief (and completely gratuitous) action scene involving a power failure, we return to the Maid of Might's overly suspended sense of disbelief (presumably developed to cope with whatever shade of Kryptonite and/or caped, flying animal she'd be dealing with each day).
"I'm worried! It doesn't look like Superman is ever going to marry either Lois Lane or Lana Lang," Supergirl announces, completely overlooking the way Superman and Batman gaze longingly into each others' eyes at Justice League meetings. "I don't want him to be an unhappy bachelor forever." (And if there's anyone out there who ever thought Superman looked the least bit "unhappy" jerking Lois and Lana around whenever he felt like it, raise your hand. Anyone...?)
Despite her adoptive parents' urgings that she not meddle in Superman's love
life ("Every man prefers to pick out his own wife," her adoptive
father informs Kara, reminding her of a quaint Earth custom she had
forgotten), Supergirl's dreams are plagued by visions of Superman living
a happy married life.
This being a typically enlightened Silver Age SUPERMAN comic, said wife is pictured doing the cooking. (Hands up again, anyone who's surprised.) But hey, check out that wacko alien Supergirl dreams up as part of this vision of the future! Because we all know that right now, Superman's annoyed that he can never invite extra-terrestrials home for dinner... right?
Before we move on, let's take a moment here to review the problematic scenario of the film that started all this. A bachelor (such as Superman) doesn't propose to his true love (in this case, Lois Lane and/or Lana Lang) and eventually said true love becomes unavailable. So, logically, Supergirl will now try to get Superman to marry either Lois or Lana, before it's too late.
If only that were her plan.
No, she completely misses the point (five bucks says she walked out of THE USUAL SUSPECTS asking everyone around her: "... so, who WAS Keizer Soze?"), and decides to find a completely different woman for Superman to marry.
Fine; let's give Supergirl the benefit of the doubt, here. Let's suppose that she is reasoning that by the time Superman gets his act together, his true love (WHOEVER she may be) will be unavailable. After all, Supergirl's got super-intelligence, right? She could have followed such a subtle chain of logic right off the bat.
Only, that doesn't take into account the TIME TRAVEL.
Supergirl's first candidate is FROM THE PAST.
Now, I may not be Rip Hunter, Time Master... but: it strikes me that the past is sort of always THERE, you know? If you wait a few years, then it just means you have to go a few years further back when you get around to it.
Anyway, the Matchmaker of Might has found contestant number one:
Helen of Troy.
"The most beautiful woman of all history", Supergirl assures us repeatedly. In fact, this is the sum total of Helen's desirable attributes mentioned. Brains, personality, compatible interests, etc. aren't even factored in. According to Supergirl, a hot bod is all that's important in a woman.
(Actually, it's worth noting that many of the more sexist attitudes in this story are displayed by Kara, herself. Presumably, Argo City wasn't the most enlightened place to form one's world-view.)
Superman eventually follows Supergirl into the past, and upon his arrival one of Helen's advisors (for no apparent reason) decides that "this flying mortal might spoil my evil ambitions!" What those ambitions are, exactly, is never made clear; but the bad guy promptly incites a bunch of gladiators to start breaking their weapons against the completely unperturbed Man of Tomorrow.
When it becomes apparent that Superman isn't working up much of a sweat, fending off the warriors -- or even moving around all that much -- the villain releases a minotaur and a unicorn into the crowd.
"Since Superman is busy right now," Supergirl announces (being well aware that Standing There Looking Tough While People Smash Stuff Harmlessly Against You is not an activity to be lightly interrupted), "I'll handle this menace!" She promptly does so, and thus ends the second (and final) attempt to insert any action whatsoever into this story.
But, in so doing, Kara has stolen from the spotlight from Helen; and thus she and cousin Kal are forced to return to the present.
With Plan A in a shambles, Supergirl and Superman head for the latter's Fortress of Solitude, where the Maid of Might spots Superman's Legion of Super-Heroes action figures.
"Those figurines give me a great idea!" (Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with arranging to mass merchandise them in time for the Christmas season.)
Before we get to that, though: we get to see the (House-) Maid of Might dusting off the Fortress of Solitude and informing Kal-El that "Some day, when you're married, it will be your wife who will do your housecleaning." I'm starting to wonder if women ever got the vote on Krypton. Or the right to own property.
Anyway, it's off to the future for the Man and Maiden of Tomorrow, as Supergirl decides that candidate number two shall be Saturn Woman (nee Girl), of the Legion. (Again with the time travel? Aren't there enough women in the twentieth century, for cryin' out loud...?)
Arriving in the future during the Christmas season, they take a quick detour to secure the necessary material to construct flying belts for the Legionnaires. Doubtless, the line of thought went: "Hey, just 'cause it's Christmas, let's give them a major technological advance!"
That's only a temporary respite from the main plot, though, as Supergirl shows Superman a pair of plaques singing Saturn Woman's praises.
"This other plaque honours Saturn Woman for her exceptional intelligence and loveliness" Supergirl declares. And by this point, the fact that the thirtieth century still bothers to include a note on an award for heroism stating that the recipient is a real babe doesn't even stand out in this mess. I mean, heck, maybe in a thousand years we'll combine the Nobel Prize with the Miss America Pageant. What do I know...?
Then, enter the lovely Miss Imra "Saturn Woman" Ardeen, herself.
Thanks to some judicious application of mistletoe by Supergirl, Superman locks lips with Saturn Woman.
"Mmmmm... This is nice! I must kiss her again!" the Smoocher of Steel thinks, and promptly does just that. (Remember that thought balloon, though, because I'll be getting back to it in a second.)
First, though, we see the entry of Garth "Lightning Man" Ranzz, who reveals that I was a tad hasty in referring to Miss Imra Ardeen, when I should have said Mrs. Imra Ardeen Ranzz. My mistake.
... and, hey: remember a second ago when I asked you to remember Superman's thought balloon? Here's why:
For those of you who can't keep track of the Legion's entire roster, Saturn Woman hails from the moon Titan, whose natives are all telepaths. So, the married madame knew full well every lecherous thought that was going through the Lusty Son of Krypton's head (and we probably were only privy to the G-rated ones). She was entirely aware just how much he was enjoying their little lip-lock, and knew full well he was going to come back for seconds.
I hate to sound like a cynic, here... but: does anyone care to take bets on how long the Two-Timer from Titan's marriage will last...?
(For anyone who cares, this actually marked the first hint in the history of the LSH that Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad were anything but good friends; thus setting in motion one of the most enduring aspects of the Legion's history. And it was all built upon such shaky foundations. Life is funny, huh?)
As the cousins from Krypton beat a hasty retreat, Supergirl inwardly berates herself. "Why didn't I try to kindle a spark between Superman and Phantom Woman, instead? She's probably single!"
Granted, Ultra Boy wouldn't make it into canon until the very next story to feature the Legion... but that's still rather cruel, isn't it? Why peg poor Phantom Girl as the eternal bridesmaid of the LSH? Does she have bad breath, or something...?
Up until now, this story has just been dopey and sexist. You're
probably all wondering why this leapt to my attention, as an abomination I just needed to bring you all. The reason is coming right up, because this baby is about to head into majorly creepy territory.
Back in the present, Supergirl announces "Superman, I have a confession to make! I wanted to arrange a happy marriage for you... I f-failed -- both times!"
Superman glances down at her and replies: "If I ever did marry... it would be to someone super and loveable like... you!" Then, as he gazes adoringly into her eyes and banishes all hope that he was simply paying her a couple of empty compliments to cheer her up, he continues. "We can't marry because we're cousins! Though cousins can marry in certain countries, here on Earth... we're both from the planet Krypton, where the marriage of cousins was unlawful!"
I swear to God. Look at the scanned picture.
Now, I'm a pretty open minded guy; and if any of you out there are all for the marriage of cousins, that's your business... but for cryin' out loud: Superman hitting on Supergirl creeps me right out.
This is just plain wrong, to coin a phrase.
(I half expected Supergirl to cry out, passionately: "Krypton is gone! Our love is all that matters!" and they'd get it on, right then and there.)
But maybe even that wouldn't have been as bizarre as what follows.
Maybe.
Because the astonishingly chipper (she shouts "Hurray!") Supergirl has suddenly devised a back-up plan, that involves setting Superman up with her EXACT PHYSICAL DUPLICATE on another planet.
I don't know which is weirder, quite frankly: the fact that Supergirl would want to set her cousin up with her lookalike ("You owe it to yourself to find out if she's the girl for you")... or the fact that Superman not only goes along with it; his only hesitation is over whether he can "find a girl there as wonderful as Supergirl".
This is all right there, on the bloody page. I'm not Frederick Wertham, projecting this stuff onto every word. (Heck, I'm not even Cheeks, reaching for a gag.)
It's all there, I tell you.
Supergirl even uses her super-vision to watch Superman and Luma Lynai (yeah, yeah, it was a running gag) make out; a sight that brings joy to the Voyeur of Steel's heart. (It's things like this that remind one that -- despite the surface appearance -- these really are alien beings we're talking about, here.) ... but: it's not to be, for Earth's yellow sun is poisonous to Luma. Superman offers to stay behind, but she insists he return to Earth; leaving her to moan forlornly "I'll always love you," as she cries her broken little heart out.
(Nice going, there, Supergirl. Spreading cheer throughout the galaxy, that's you.)
"Gee! Perhaps his future bride will be Lois Lane or Lana Lang, after all," Supergirl muses. As in, maybe the bachelor will get together with his true love before it's too late. Like she wished happened in the movie. (Anyone out there remember the movie? Never mind, it's not important. The end is near.)
Our last stop is Supergirl suddenly realizing that the perfect woman for Superman would be a person from yet another time period... Cleopatra. ("A woman who had everything! Beauty... magnetic charm... allure!" Supergirl's been cracking the thesaurus again, you see.)
Mercifully, she dismisses the idea; and the story is (at long last) over.
You know, after reading this: the only thing that doesn't make
sense about Supergirl's occasional romance with Comet the Super-Horse (a story for another day) is that he lives in the present.
Nicolas Judza may be reached by e-mail at [email protected],
where he is currently working on the sure-to-be-seminal
post-feminist treatise: "Their Bodies, Myself." 
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