Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
(With Apologies To the Creators; Cast; and Crew of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000. . .)
[Part Two]
[Flashing lights, sirens, buzzers, door sequence, etc.]
[Silhouettes of Joel and the 'bots as they take their seats in the darkened theatre. Up on the screen, we can see the splash page for ALL- STAR COMICS #3.]
[CAPTION: "ALL-STAR COMICS -- "]
CROW: -- in conjunction with Don King Productions -- !
[CAPTION: " -- presents... the first meeting of the Justice Society of America!"]
JOEL: ... in fabulous Sensaround -- !!!
CROW: It's Gardner Fox's "JSA Babies!"
TOM: Huzzah! Huzzah!
[CAPTION: "Gathered in the Justice Society Club Rooms for their first meeting are the mightiest champions of Right and Justice In the World!"]
CROW: The entire cast of SAVED BY THE BELL? HERE -- ?!?
[CAPTION: The Roll Call -- "The Flash"...]
TOM: "Butch" enough to run around with a saucepan on top of his head... and get away with it!
CROW: Not to be confused with "the Flesh": World War II's two-fisted, fightin' mad nudie super-hero!
[CAPTION: "... the Hawkman..."]
JOEL: ... heeeeyyyyyy... I thought you guys told me his head was all... you know... exploded, like...
CROW (sighing, heavily): Nooooooo, Joel... that was the one from what was, in the original continuity, referred to as "Earth-One."
TOM (snidely): Look, Joel... if you're not even going to try and keep up with current DC continuity --
CROW: ... they'll probably go ahead and make him an editor.
[CAPTION: "... the Spectre..."]
CROW: ... because every super-hero team needs its own merciless and psychotic embodiment of the Wrath of God, by golly!
JOEL: Geez... check out the embittered, disapproving scowl on this guy, huh...?
TOM ("Spectre" voice): "Hey... somebody in here been eatin' veal, or what...?"
JOEL: He who smelt it, dealt it.
CROW: He who denied it, supplied it.
TOM: He who sprayed it-- [long pause, as the others wait for him to come up with a suitable "capper"]: -- nothing. I have nothing.
[CAPTION: "... the Sandman..."]
TOM (in "Robin Leach"style voice): Five-time consecutive winner of Mr. Blackwell's "Worst-Dressed Super-Hero" award -- !
JOEL: Takes a whole lot to make someone like Brother Power, the Geek look foppish, doesn't it...?
[CAPTION: "... Doctor Fate..."]
CROW: The real one... the one without the gazongas --
TOM: ... or the one with the smelly, cancerous arm and the really bad "Sting" haircut...
JOEL (perplexed): Wait. Wait. Doctor Fate had gazongas...?
'BOTS: ... siiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhh...
[CAPTION: "... the Hourman..."]
JOEL: -- Without a Country!
TOM: -- Who Shought Liberty Valance!
CROW: -- Flint!
[CAPTION: "... the Green Lantern..."]
TOM: Insert obligatory "Kyle Rayner" joke here, guys...
JOEL: ... naaaahhhh... too easy...
[CAPTION: "... and the Atom!"]
TOM: Oh, gee. A dwarf in "shortie" pants wearing a big, brown truss. Now, that'll really send ripples of stark, unreasoning terror throughout the criminal underworld.
[Scene of Johnny Thunder, standing before an old-time newstand. On said newstand, plainly visible, are such diverse titles as ADVENTURE COMICS; DETECTIVE COMICS; MORE FUN COMICS; ALL-AMERICAN COMICS; and FLASH COMICS]
[CAPTION: "Poor Johnny Thunder has been left out of the meeting... and is he sore!")
TOM: ... boy... hard to figure the JSA making an oversight like that, huh...?
JOEL: Well, hey... if "Merry, Girl of 1,000 Gimmicks" couldn't score an invite...
CROW: Hey, kid: I hear SCARE TACTICS is hiring.
[JOHNNY: "The Flash -- Spectre-- Hawkman!")
TOM: ... oh, dear god... Fox is gonna let the Boy Genius, here, do that "roll call" thing all over again!
[JOHNNY: "All members of the Justice Society! Say, you'd think those guys would invite me! But no -- nobody ever thinks about me!")
JOEL: ... wellllllll... not intentionally, no...
[CAPTION: "Ooops! 'Cei-U,' which sounds in english like 'say you' --"]
CROW: Kinda.
TOM: Sorta.
JOEL: Somewhat.
[CAPTION: " -- did you hear Johnny say those magic Badhnisian Hex words? They give him a terrific power for one hour to do whatever he wishes!"]
TOM: ... hence, his current glamorous position as a penniless and forgotten DC super-hero drifter wannabe.
JOEL: Yeah... without that power, he'd have ended up a real loser...
[CAPTION: "He doesn't know what it is that gives him this power -- "]
CROW: -- because Johnny is... wellllll... sort of an idiot, actually.
TOM: Nice kid... but: dense enough to block x-rays.
[CAPTION: "So let's watch what happens!"]
JOEL (enthused "announcer" voice): ... 'cause we're headed on a collision course with wackiness --!!!
[CAPTION: "Look for the Thunderbolt when he makes a wish!"]
[JOHNNY (kicking a fire hydrant): "Aw, gee -- I wish I was going to their old meeting!")
CROW: I wish his parents had never met.
JOEL: I wish his parents hadn't been circus people.
TOM: I wish his parents hadn't been first cousins.
[Shot of Johnny's "magic thunderbolt" planting a mighty kick square on his keister.]
[JOHNNY: ""It's happening again -- here I go!!"]
JOEL: He wished for the power to have a magical, djinn-like creature boot him right in the hinder -- ?
TOM: Actually, that's pretty much the power I was just wishing for...
[Shot of Johnny flying awkwardly through the air; there, sails past an airborne Doctor Fate.]
[JOHNNY: "Hey, Doctor Fate -- why aren't you at the meeting!"]
[FATE: "It hasn't started yet! I'm on my way there now!"]
JOEL: Hey, guys... if this is the first meeting of the Justice Society... then how could Johnny know about it before it happened...?
CROW: ... ummmmmmm... the Psychic Friends Hotline?
[Shot of Johnny Thunder and Doctor Fate, standing in the lobby of a swanky hotel. The room is littered with the sprawled forms of unconscious hotel employees, all snoring loudly.]
[CAPTION: "The hotel where the Justice Society meeting is being held -- "]
[JOHNNY: "Gosh, what a dead place! Everybody's fast asleep!"]
[FATE: "I've a hunch the Sandman's been busy again!"]
JOEL (jovially): Yup! That's our Wesley! Such a merry prankster, the li'l pixie!
TOM: ... really needs to get out more, actually...
CROW: Yeah... instead of lounging around that seedy mansion every afternoon in silky, low-slung pajamas with "Sandy, the 'Golden Boy' "...
[Shot of Johnny, approaching the Sandman; the latter is holding a still-smoking "gas gun."]
[JOHNNY: "So you're the chap that goes around putting people to sleep!"]
CROW: ... not as quickly as you do, Cap'n Bow-Tie.
JOEL: ... nor as often, for that matter.
[JOHNNY: "Why did you put these people to sleep? Is the meeting a secret?"]
JOEL (in "Sandman" voice): "Obviously not, since you know about it..."
TOM (in "Doctor Fate" voice): " 'Take care of it' the usual way, why don't you, Wes...?"
[SANDMAN: "Exactly! Look out! Here comes another friend of ours!"]
JOEL (terrified): Look out! A friend! AAAAAHHHHHH -- !!!
TOM: Incoming -- !!!
CROW: ("machine gun" noises)
[Shot of the Flash, whizzing right past Johnny Thunder and sending him spinning.]
[JOHNNY: "The Flash! Hey, cool down, Mr. Flash -- you ain't so hot!"]
JOEL: Oh, wow... that really "stung."
TOM: Yeah. I must have missed it when DC committed themselves to publishing ALL-JOHNNY THUNDER as an ongoing monthly, back in the day.
[Shot of the Flash, now standing before Johnny and shivering uncontrollably.]
[CAPTION: "Ooops! Johnny's magic words hex the Flash -- "]
[FLASH: "Not so hot? You're right! I am sort of chilly!"]
[JOHNNY: "Gee -- that power of mine again! I -- I take it back, Flash -- be yourself again!"]
JOEL: Jeepers! That magical genie of his takes everything so gosh- darned literally.
CROW: For all our sakes: I sure hope Johnny never loses his temper and says "eat me" while the Spectre's in the room.
[Scene of Flash and Johnny Thunder, being "startled" by the sudden appearance of Green Lantern in a nimbus of (what else?) green light.]
[JOHNNY: "Hey! Everything's gettin' green! Maybe I'm sick -- too much excitement!"]
CROW (in "Johnny" voice): "Maybe I'm a mongoloid -- too many chromosones!"
[JOHNNY: "The Green Lantern! You touch your ring to the lantern and you get supernatural powers -- right?"]
JOEL: Geez... it sounds so... well, stupid, really, when he says it...
TOM (in "Green Lantern" voice): "Huh? How the devil do you know all of my deepest, darkest secrets, little man? Has that slutty little mattress back, Doiby Dickles, been peddling my origin story to pre-teen boys for furtive, alleyway hand jobs, again? Talk! TALK, I say, or I'll -- !!"
CROW (in "Green Lantern" voice): ZZZZZZAAAKKK -- !!! "Oh, hell... that's no good! His entire damned head's made outta wood -- !"
[LANTERN: "Yes -- but look above you -- who's that?"]
TOM: BWAH-ha-ha-haaa!!! Oh, for cryin' out loud, Johnny... that's the oldest gag in the freakin' book -- !
JOEL (in butch "hero" voice): "Here, Johnny... pull my finger, why don't you...?
CROW (in "Green Lantern" voice): "... all right, then: if I can't ring-zap him, I'll just strangle the little putz! What the hell... I'm a super-hero, right? Who're the cops gonna believe, anyway...?"
[Scene of the Hawkman, flying into the room and touching down directly in front of Johnny.]
[JOHNNY: "The Hawkman! Gee whiz, you're all getting here now! I wish the rest of the crowd would hurry...!"]
JOEL: Johnny simply can't wait for the opportunity to finally meet his lifelong idol: the Red Bee.
[CAPTION: "And in answer to Johnny's wish..."]
[We see three more JSAers suddenly "appear" at the hotel: the Atom; the Hourman; and the Spectre. None of them look particularly pleased with the circumstances of their inexplicable arrival.]
[SPECTRE: "How did you get in here? And what did you do to make me come --"]
ALL: ... eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww -- !!!
[SPECTRE: " -- here so quiick?"]
CROW: -- ly.
JOEL: I understand they can actually treat that sort of things nowadays, Spec...
TOM: Happens to pretty much every guy, one time or another, buddy. Try not to... you know... dwell on it, okay...?
CROW (in "Spectre" voice): "I could not satisfy my woman. Therefore: all of the earth's children shall be butchered. By flying invisible knives. ALIVE."
[JOHNNY: "Gee, Spectre, I don't know! Honest I don't! It -- It's a power I have -- that makes me able to do anything I want to!"]
JOEL: That's why he's currently living in a rotting cardboard box, in the alley behind "Old Man" Swenson's candy store.
[Scene of the Flash suddenly grabbing Johnny from behind and "spinning" the panicky young man at whirlwind speed.]
[FLASH: "Bragging again, eh? One thing we Justice Men don't allow is boasting!"]
JOEL (incredulous): "Justice Men -- "?
CROW: My, my... aren't we the butch, manly bunch of spandexed fellows, then...?
TOM: Later on, an immensely-flattered Wonder Woman accepted the team's gracious offer to become a bona fide "Justice Man," as well.
CROW: She elected to celebrate the momentous occasion by forcibly impregnating an EXTREMELY startled Steve Trevor.
[FLASH: "We don't like swell heads!"]
[JOHNNY: "I ain't got a swelled head -- it's a small head -- look!"]
TOM (hushed, horrified voice): ... oh, geez... you poor, suffering bastard! Can't they make a prosthesis of some sort for that...?
JOEL (musingly): You know, guys... normally, you'd have to hit the carnival circuit pretty hard to catch a glimpse of something as hideously malformed as that.
CROW: ... yeah... or else spend long hours poring through some of the less reputable medical journals.
[Scene of a grinning Hourman staring at an fretting Johnny; the latter is upset to find that his head -- as per his last utterance -- is, indeed, about two-thirds smaller than it was just a panel earlier.]
[HOURMAN: "I guess you're not swell-headed, Johnny!"]
[JOHNNY: "What's happening to me? My head -- it doesn't feel right! C'mon, Thunderbolt, cut it out -- make my head normal again!"]
CROW (incredulous): "Again"...?
TOM (sadly): Some things are beyond even the god-like abilities of the Spectre, Johnny.
[Scene of Johnny, Hawkman and the rest of the heroes retiring to the hotel's dining room.]
[CAPTION: "As soon as Johnny's head is all right..."]
TOM: Shyeah. As if.
CROW (puzzled): So, then... the first meeting of the JSA took several years... right?
[HAWKMAN: "Since you're here -- you might as well eat with us! It's a good dinner! We -- "]
CROW (in "Hawkman" voice): " -- have beanie weanies tonight!"
JOEL (excited): -- and the Spectre brought the S'mores!
TOM: WOOOOOooooooo -- !!!
[JOHNNY: "Aw! -- I'll bet there's no dinner at all -- "]
JOEL: Johnny! NOOOOOOOO -- !!!
TOM (sadly): Mouth runs faster than a fat man's colon after a three-bean burrito dinner, doesn't it...?
[Scene of an astonished Sandman and Atom, contemplating the unwelcome sight of a suddenly barren dinner table.]
[SANDMAN: "The food! It's... GONE!"]
[ATOM: "Just when I was all set to dig into it!"]
ALL (a la sitcom "zoinks" music riff): MWAH-waahh-waahh- waaaaaahhhhh -- !
[Scene of Johnny being "crowded" from both sides by the stern, imposing figures of Doctor Fate and the Spectre.]
[FATE: "The Spectre and I do not touch food!"]
TOM (in "Fate" voice): "... now, each other, on the other hand..."
[FATE: "But the rest may be angry at you, Johnny!"]
JOEL: ... hint, hint, Spectre!
CROW (eagerly): Turn into a giant pair of scissors, Spec! Cut 'im in half!
TOM (equally savage): Turn him into wood and run him through a giant buzz saw!
JOEL: Make him read the entire "Spider-Clone" saga in one sitting! TWICE!
[JOHNNY: "I'm sorry! Honest! I wish there was a turkey an' cranberry sauce and all the trimmings right here -- "]
[Scene of Johnny smiling in obvious relief as a steaming banquet suddenly REappears atop the table; behind him, the JSAers are markedly less angry-looking.]
[JOHNNY: "Hurray! It worked! Sit down, fellas -- let's enjoy ourselves!"]
TOM (in "Spectre" voice): "... saaaaaaayyy... wait a second, guys! This is SPAM, for cryin' out loud -- !"
JOEL (in "Doctor Fate" voice): "... and the appertif --HOSTESS FRUIT PIES -- ?!?"
CROW (in "Atom" voice): "Kill him! Kill him now, Spec! We'll all vouch for ya -- !!"
[Scene of Johnny seated at the table -- knife and fork at the ready -- alongside the Flash.]
[JOHNNY: "I never thought I'd get into this meeting -- but here I am!"]
JOEL: More's the pity, yes...
[FLASH: "And what are you going to contribute for your share of the dinner?"]
JOEL (in "Flash" voice): "Heh-heh-heh... ever see a li'l film called DELIVERANCE, Johnny...?"
TOM ("redneck"): Ah'll bet you'd squeal, boy... bet you'd squeal lahk ah pig -- !
CROW: Squuuueeeeeeaaaaaalllllllll -- !!!
[Scene of Johnny -- suddenly struck with little cartoon "yikes"-lines denoting inspiration -- expounding to the rest of the seated heroes.]
[JOHNNY: "I know! I'll contribute an idea!"]
TOM: Yeah. Right. And then the Atom will contribute some height.
CROW (in "Atom" voice): "Spec! Please! I'm beggin' ya, man -- !"
[JOHNNY: "Suppose you each tell the most exciting experience you ever had... that'll entertain everybody!"]
TOM (as "Spectre"; musing): "... welllllll... there was that time I caused that gangland kingpin's head to explode, splattering his screaming wife and six terrified kids all over with his blood and brains..." [chortles, spookily]: "Awwww, geez-o-pete ... what a darned irrepressible li'l pixie I was, back in the day -- !"
JOEL (as "Hawkman"; musing): "Hmmmmmmm... say, fellahs... I ever tell you about this nifty little... thing Shiera can do with those pinfeathers of hers...?"
[FLASH: "Not a bad idea at that!"]
[ATOM: "It's a good idea -- but where's Superman, Batman and Robin? They'd have some good stories to tell!"]
TOM: Better than yours anyway, Mini-Me.
CROW: Oooh! Oooh! Ask Superman to tell you the one about the drunken, lonely Solomon Grundy and the shrieking, pain-wracked Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, some time! That's a good'un! Sha-ZAM -- !!!
[Scene of the Flash, talking to the Atom.]
[FLASH: "They would, but since we're all here, somebody's got to look after things and protect people -- "]
TOM (sarcastic): Oh, well... thank you, Mr. "Rorsarch," sir.
JOEL (ominously): "Who watches the Watchmen...?"
[FLASH: " -- so they're pretty busy right now!"]
CROW: ... meanwhile, we all sit around here and gorge ourselves silly on cheap, convenience store-bought goodies! HAH -- !!!
JOEL (in "Doctor Fate" voice): "What's that, Batman? The entire Injustice Gang? Gotham City -- in flames? Geez... sorry, fellah. Wish I coulda, y'know, been there for ya... "
[ATOM: "And where's Scribbly's pal, the Red Tomato?"]
TOM (incredulous): The whaaaaaaaa -- ?!?
JOEL (dismissively): ... ohhhhhhh... now he's just making stuff up -- !
CROW (in "Hawkman" voice): "No more sloe-gin fizzes for you, half- pint... "
[Scene of Johnny talking to the Flash.]
[JOHNNY: "You mean the Red Tornado -- I guess she's busy, too! All right, Flash -- suppose you tell your story first!"]
(FLASH: "Okay -- but I don't see why I should be first!")
TOM (exasperated): Oh, for the love of -- ! Because you're the Flash, Mister Hotshot-FTD-Delivery-Boy-Speedy-AlkaSeltzer-Wannabe-Super- Guy! You're always "first"!
CROW (knowingly): That's what his wife always says, anyway...
JOEL: Hey! A little too "spicy," guys!
TOM: ... says the guy who threw out the first DELIVERANCE joke.
[Scene of Johnny, cocking a thumb towards a grinning Flash.]
[JOHNNY: "Let me present the Flash -- fastest man in the world -- moves like chain lightning -- and can run so fast he becomes invisible!"]
TOM (excited "infomercial" voice): -- and now he can be yours, for tthe special one-time-only low, low price of only $19.95 ... if you call now -- !
CROW (ditto): -- plus -- if you act now -- a special twelve-CD set! "Rick Astley and Debbie Gibson: the Early Bi-Sexual Metal Years!
JOEL: Operators are standing by.
TOM (knowingly): Rick Astley is standing "bi- ."
[FLASH: "Take it easy, Johnny!"]
TOM (in "Flash" voice): "... I don't need your brown nose searching for truffles up my hinder -- !"
CROW: That's his wife's job.
JOEL (rising from his seat, and pulling the two 'bots up with him): Okay... that's it! I'm taking you two 'bots out for a little "cooling off" period. C'mon... let's go...!
'BOTS: ... aaaaawwwwwwwwwww ...!
CROW (sulky): ... you're no fun, anymore...!
[We hear the voice of the Flash, while the "door sequence" plays itself out in reverse order.]
[FLASH: "My story has to do with sunken treasure -- and how I helped a poor man escape a crowd of swashbuckling cutthroats...!"]
*****************************************
[Back on the main bridge of the SOL. Joel is standing at one end of the console, facing opposite the two 'bots. All three are wired, separately, to metal "skullcap" contraptions; and each one also has a large, red "panic button" within easy reach. From the glares they shoot back and forth at one another, it is clear that they are engaged in some deadly, high-stakes game of mano a mano.]
JOEL (breathing raggedly): ... okay... okay, then: the fact that -- according to the so-called "timeline" shown at the end of the ZERO HOUR limited series -- Swamp Thing's been around longer than the Justice League of America! [Slaps palm down triumphantly on the button before him; there is a loud, ominous crackle of surging energy, and the two 'bots begin to shiver and twitch, in obvious physical distress.]
TOM: AAAAHHHH!! AAARRRRRGHH!! Oh, cripes... I never even saw that one coming, Crow -- !
CROW ("shaking it off"): ... urrrrrrrrrrrrrghh... d-don't worry, li'l buddy... I think I've got his range, now... [to Mike]: ... allllllll right then, Joel... try this one on for size: Kid Eternity -- a fifth-grader who routinely summoned the battle-savvy likes of Willa Cather and Eli Whitney to take on loan sharks and mob torpedoes... all while being escorted by a dopey "guardian angel" who looked like William Frawley in a dress -- ! [Gives the button in front of him a defiant slam; Joel's features briefly register dawning horror before he, too, sucks up a sudden jolt of electrical current.]
JOEL (spasming): ....nnnnnNNNNYYUUUuuuuhhhhh -- !!!
TOM (chortling vindictivelyy): NYAH-ha-haaaa! Oh, good one, Crow! That should give Mr. "Golden-Age-Or-Bust" a little something to think about -- !
CROW (hopping up in down in ggiddy anticipation of sweet, imminent victory): Give it up, Joel! You're soldiering on behalf of a losing cause! [In "Belloc" voice, a la RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK]: "Once again we see, Dr. Jones: there is nothing you possess... which I cannot take from you!" BWAH-ha-ha-haaaaa -- !
[Gypsy wanders into the room; looks at Joel; then the two 'bots;; then Joel, again.]
GYPSY (cautiously): ... ummmmm... hi, guys. What's going on here, huh...?
TOM (urgently): Stay back, Gypsy! We're engaged in a vicious, no-holds-barred duel to the death with Joel over the eternally burning question that's divided comics fandom for decades, now: "which era is/was dopier -- the so-called 'Golden Age,' or the hip, hot, WIZARD MAGAZINE-approved and virginal-fanboy-fueled modern era! It's far more than just lives at stake, here, woman; more, even, than the fate of the cosmos, itself! We battle for the warp and woof of comics fandom, Gypsy! Nay, nay... the very soul of the medium! Now and FOREVER!!!
GYPSY (stares at Tom for a beat; then): Bite me.
TOM (earnestly): Nonononono... really...
CROW (leering at Joel; in "Borg" voice): Resistance is futile, Joel! Prepare... to... be... assimilated!
[Joel -- sweating and trembling -- nonetheless manages to curl his lip defiantly at the two 'bots.]
JOEL (grating; a la "The Princess Bride"): Hello... my name is Inigio Montoya. You killed my father... prepare to die -- !
TOM (to Crow; mildly surprised): Ohhhhhhhboy... Our Little Joel's had one low-voltage chili dog too many at the county fair, methinks...
GYPSY (pleading; desperate): Joel! Joel! Don't go back into that ring again, Joel! Apollo Creed swore he'd kill you, this time! JOEL -- !!!
CROW (exasperated): Ohhhh.... all right, Gypsy! All right! Lay off the water works, already! [to Joel; smugly expansive]: Tell you what, Joel: you willingly cede the inherent superiority of any and all comics published after 1960 to those drippy, drawn-on-an-"Etch-a-Sketch" pieces of birdcage fodder you love so much... and, in return, we won't flash-fry your cerebral cortex any more. That's fair, isn't it...?
TOM: Heh-heh-heh... and, of course, all bedtimes for junior Satellite residents will be extended beyond 8:30 P.M. ... indefinitely! Right, Doctor Tarr...?
CROW: Yesssssssssss indeedy, Professor Feather! Plus, of course, I am to be accorded full, complete and permanent power to decide who lives... and who dies! [added, sotto voce]: Especially anyone who's ever knowingly performed on a Kenny Rogers or Lionel Ritchie album -- !
[The two 'bots dissolve into malevolent cackling, while Gypsy moans, shaking her head in despair. It takes a last, desperate croak of defiance from Joel -- ragged; gasping -- to silence them.]
JOEL (faint, strangled): ... justice...
TOM (looking up): ... huh...?
CROW (ditto): Whuzzat, Mike? Don't tell me you wanna ride the lightning again... eh,"Slam" Bradley...?
JOEL (slightly stronger, now): ... extreme... justice...
[Startled gasps from the three 'bots: of dawning hope, in the case of Gypsy; mortal dread, on the parts of Tom and Crow.]
GYPSY (excited): "Say it, Billy Batson! Say the magic word that transforms you into the World's Mightiest Mortal -- !"
TOM (in "Maurice Chevalier" voice): "Mirable dictu! We are -- how you Americans say? -- undone!"
CROW (terror-stricken): Hold me, Tom! Hold me close -- ! [In earnest "poet" voice]: "I am a stranger, and afraid/In a world I never made"...!
JOEL (now booming, authoratative): EXTREME JUSTICE!! [Slams button with angry gusto]: Which had the Wonder Twins as members! [Spanks that bad boy once again]: And a team leader whose "pantsless" costume made it obvious he was about as "anatomically correct" as Michael Jackson! [Does it yet again]: Annnnd whose most "memorable" arch-villain was the big, ugly Buick-faced goober from ARMAGEDDON: 2000!! [And again.]
[With each "smack" of the button, the two 'bots spasm in obvious electro-fueled agony, shrieking and whimpering for surcease. Joel, meanwhile, is growing steadily more wild-eyed; his normal, "corn-fed Minnesota boy" countenance begins to take on the dark, gleeful aspect of Jerry Lee Lewis at a day care center.]
MIKE (cackling cruelly, a la Terrance Stamp): MWAH-ha-ha-haaaaa!! "You will kneeeeeeeel before me, sons of Jor-El! KNEEEEEEEEEEEEL -- !!!"
TOM (keeled over onto his side; wheezing; "Paul Newman" voice): "Sundance...? Sundance... next time I say 'Bolivia'... we go to goddamn Bolivia... all right...?"
CROW (same as Tom): ... go... to the light, Tom... go to... the light -- !
GYPSY (plucking ineffectually at Joel's sleeve; hysterical): Joel! Stop it, Joel! You're killing them! JOEL -- !!
[Cut to Deep 13. TV's Frank is wearing a black fright wig; a black halter top; and a large, golden "ankh" around his neck. His face -- slathered indifferently with white make-up -- is ghastly pale; and he sports a really bad (black) lipstick job. The end result is that he doesn't resemble DC's "Death" character so much as he does singer Bjork (of the Sugarcubes).]
FRANK (in sultry, "feminine" voice): You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime. [Starts warbling, a la Bjork]: "Naked man, naked man, please come dowwwwwn... I'll get you some strawberry cake, or somethiiiinnnnng -- !"
[Frank's impromptu solo is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of Dr. Forrester, who is wearing gaudy, red and blue armor and inexpertly- applied blackface; and is clomping about unsteadily on a large, red pair of skis. He clubs Frank savagely from behind with a metal ski pole; Frank goes down quicker'n Monica Lewinsky in The Oval Office.]
DR. F (exasperated): ... oooohhhhhhhhh... you and your "bright ideas," RuPaul! Ever since you begged me into wearing this... this... [gestures at himself]... this fashion suicide note from Robert Goulet's bedroom closet... I've been overcome by the irresistable impulse to run around slaying gods! Actual GODS, Frank!! Do you have any idea how many times you have to step on Will Eisner's head, just to get him to stop twitching -- ?!?? [Turns, glares at the viewscreen to the SOL. Jabs angrily at the Button]: ... and as for you metal layabouts up there, and your Keystone "keeper" -- back to work! Back, I tell you! I'm not shelling out "golden overtime" for this sort of fanboy lollygagging -- !!!
[Cut back to the SOL: Joel -- now dressed as Marvel's Thanos, and wearing what are, obviously, a cutrate attempt to serve as makeshift "Infinity Gauntlets" -- has one balled fist upraised; poised to come smashing down upon the "panic" button with a terrible finality. The two 'bots -- draped in home-stitched and threadbare Adam Warlock and Captain Mar-Vell costumes -- are sprawled across the console, unconscious and unmoving. Nearby, Gypsy attempts to reason with a now completely unhinged Joel.]
GYPSY (earnestly): ... but, Joel... think about it! Snuffing out the entire universe might very well impress her, sure... but wouldn't a nice Whitman "sampler" be more romantic, really...?
JOEL (appearing to mull this over): Well, I dunno, Gypsy... you see, we -- [he is sudenly interrupted by the warning klaxon which signifies...]:
JOEL: ... we've got COMICS SIGN!!!!!!!!
[Flashing lights, sirens, buzzers, door sequence, etc.]
... and this is where a finally sated Unca is gonna leave matters, MST3K-wise, troopers and trooperettes...
... unless, of course, you all were to write in and ask for more, I mean.
Hint, hint, dammit. 
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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