Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
EXHIBITION ONE:
World's Lamest Villains
I've been asked (on more than one occasion) just why, exactly, it is I like DC comics so much more than I do Marvel-style fare.
While I most assuredly would like it entered into the court's records that I have nothing whatsoever "against" the Marvel comics of the Silver Age -- as even the most haphazard perusal of this site should make abundantly clear, I might add -- I'll readily confess this much: I think DC Comics, Inc. publishes a superior product.
... and, furthermore: except for a brief period, during the mid-to-late 1970's... I think they always have done so.
Since I realize that heresy of this stripe flies directly in the face of the standard "Marvel Zombie" orthodoxy-- i.e., that peculiarly astigmatic world view which holds that any comic without a "Stan Lee Presents..." banner carefully affixed thereon is, de facto, offal -- I thought I'd take the opportunity presented by my having created this site to make my "case" for the inherent superiority of the DC universe, and its many (and fascinating) denizens.
Thus: this "Marvel Comics Hall of Shame." 
Okay... Article of Faith Numero Uno, then:
ONCE YOU HAVE REMOVED DOCTOR DOOM, THE RED SKULL AND THE KINGPIN FROM
THE EQUATION... THE VAST MAJORITY OF MARVEL'S SUPER-VILLAINS ARE IRRETRIEVABLY
L-A-M-E.
Like -- just as a f'rinstance, mind -- the goofy li'l gobbler in plain view on the cover of DAREDEVIL #5 (see accompanying).
I don't know which is the more appalling: that Daredevil
is cringing before some guy in tacky toreador pants... or that credited
writer Stan Lee actually thought that some guy with a mouse-ear hat
and a big bath towel might make a credible foeman for anyone
bigger and meaner than the average chihuahua.
(... actually... I can tell you what ol' Daredevil is shrieking,
in this picture: "No! NO!!! Not on top of the Stilt-Man
and the Leapfrog, f'chrissakes!! STAAAANNNNN -- !!!")
Actually -- at least, during the earliest day of the title's run -- DAREDEVIL was sort of a one-stop clearing house for any Marvel baddie so laughable and inept that no other self-respecting hero outside of "Ka-Zar the Savage" would be caught dead sharing a panel with 'em. The aforementioned Matador; the Stilt-Man (a guy who thought that an inherently unstable center of gravity might make him an underworld figure of terror); the Leapfrog (who had real "springy" shoes, and a big rubber froggie mask. May God strike me dead if I lie.); the Owl (an old fat guy who could glide through the air at a heart-stopping two, three m.p.h.); the Jester (a blatant "Joker" rip-off, lacking only the humor, menace and panache of the original).
Really... it just narrowly avoided being the spandexed equivalent
of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000, most months.
Under circumstances such as these, then... it was only a matter
of time, surely, until the Trapster (formerly known as -- I kid you
not -- "Paste-Pot Pete") made the inevitable guest-appearance.
[see cover, below]
(For those of you reading this who are mordantly curious regarding the matter: no... the Trapster had no "super-powers," as such. He had a "paste gun."
(Well... yes. Yes, he certainly did get the crap kicked out of him on a fairly regular basis, now that you mention it.)
Then there are those super-villains whose very appearance is so thoroughly and unutterably ludicrous that even verysmall children -- setting sight upon them for the very first time -- burst out into shrill, hysterical peals of derisive laughter.
Such a man was recurring Ant-Man/Giant-Man nemesis: "the Porcupine." [see accompanying cover]
His "powers" (probably not the word "wanted," here) were pretty much
exactly what you'd expect for someone who actually thought that a name
like "the Porcupine" could possibly occasion anything other than our
combined incredulity and pity. His motivation was that he simply
felt he wasn't being mocked and ridiculed nearly enough in his regular
"day job" as a Hardee's "second shift supervisor."
Another sure-fire way to score an "E"-ticket for the Big Dummy Loser loop-the-loop is: keep taking on "A"-list super-heroes while all you have going for you is a "B"-list (at best) super-power.
Probably the prototypical example of this type of "Peter Principle" within the super-villain community was The Hopeless Goober Men Called... MR. HYDE. [see accompanying cover]
Mr. Hyde was (originally) some nebbish-y scientist who managed to concoct himself a really, really high potency protein shake-type elixir thingie. It made him One Butt-Ugly Bad Boy.
Now, then: being very nearly as muscle-bound as you are horrifically
homely (particularly when your face bears a truly remarkable resemblance
to Rosie O'Donnell's keister) ain't exactly hay, in the world
of comic-book resumes. If Mr. Hyde had been possessed of even
the barest modicum of simple good sense, he might well have managed
to eke out a comfy little existence for himself in some lesser hero's
"rogue's gallery." (Lord only knows, Daredevil was in no
position to be "particular," at that point in time...)
Naturally, Our Goober immediately decided to take on the Mighty Thor.
... and -- a little while later, after the painful memory of that non-stop butt-whipping had finally managed to subside, ever-so-slightly -- the Incredible Hulk.
In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny: "whatta maroon."
First "the Leapfrog"... and then, this loser.
The Kangaroo was -- once you've stripped away allof the bunting and whatnot -- the Australian version of the Leapfrog.
(I can just see it, now: Stan Lee -- bolting upright in his bed from a restless, dream-ravaged slumber -- shrieking, at three in the A.M.: "That's it! THAT'S why the Leapfrog never really took comics fandom by storm! I SHOULDA MADE HIM AN AUSSIE --!!!")
[IMPORTANT "SIDE NOTE" FOR ALL THE ASPIRING MARVEL SUPER-VILLAINS
OUT THERE, MOVING YOUR LIPS AS YOU READ THESE WORDS: if you have
finally settled upon a chosen "code name"; and if said "code
name" is the name of a member of the animal kingdom... you are almost
certainly a Major Goober. Start thinking: vocational
tech school.]
However: in all the recorded annals of Marvel Bad-Guy History... one name stands out, even when held aloft in dread comparison to all of those preceding.
ONE NAME, dancing on the lips of even such notorious lame-o's
as "the Ringmaster" and "the Orb" (both of whom -- I hasten to assure
you -- will easily make the " final cut," should this list ever
find itself expanded enough to warrant a second page), whenever dweeby
would-be world-conquerors get together to sip
disconsolately at their clumsily shoplifted "near beers," and swap lies
about "that time I almost took out those kids in the @#$%ing
Power Pack."
One. Name.
The name of: MISTER FISH. [see accompanying cover. If you dare.]
You will note, of course, that the ubergoober in question hastens to assure the heroic Luke Cage (and -- presumably -- through him, the less-than-discerning reader) that: "Nobody laughs at MISTER FISH!"
This, of course, is arrant nonsense.
In point of fact: everyone laughs at Mister Fish.
Men laugh at Mister Fish. Women laugh at Mister Fish (to say nothing of their barely-restrained hysteria at the sight of his diminuative "fish stick.")
Tiny, aboriginal children in isolated, nomadic mountain tribes -- who have never even heard of Mister Fish -- shrill in gleeful laughter, even as I type these fateful words.
They do not know why they laugh, of course; only that they are -- one and all -- stricken with the nigh-uncontrollable impulse to do just that: laugh their adorable little fool heads off.
Such is fame -- or what may pass for it -- within the ranks of the Marvel Comics "Goober Gang."
Oh, go ahead; you know you want to)
The Marvel Comics HALL OF SHAME
PAGE TWO (Hopelessly Lame Super-Hero
Battles)
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