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The
First Ever DC/MARVEL Super-Hero Team-Up
(by
special guest-columnist
"Big" BILL BRACKEEN)
Way back when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, in 1976 -- when I was the ripe old age of seven -- there were big, big things a-brewin'.
There was a Presidential race; it was the country's 200th birthday (celebrated with the release of some really funky looking quarters); and it was an Olympic year as well.
However: these were all small potatoes, as far as I was concerned.
Attending second grade in Tupelo, Mississippi, I was a four year comic-readin' veteran. I was jaded, and hard to impress.
However, there was one thing that could still get my juices flowing: a good team-up.
When I saw the first house ad for SUPERMAN VS. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN... my prepubescent jaw dropped.
Superman and Spider-Man: together in one comic book.
I scarcely believed it was possible. Superman was a DC character. Spider-Man was published by Marvel Comics.
It was almost too good to be true. Yet, here was an ad touting "The BATTLE Of The CENTURY," in tabloid format.
I was floored.
I began haunting the quick shops and supermarkets, as though searching for the Holy Grail.
Finding comics in a (relatively) tiny city like Tupelo was a mixture of art and science, with its own peculiar rules and quirks attendant. I quickly abandoned the smaller venues, because they rarely carried the oversized format comics which were more within the purview of the supermarket.
There was only one question remaining: who would be my "mark"?
My mother was often difficult to cajole into purchasing comics. She was (and still is) an English teacher, and seemed to have mixed feelings about my enthusiasm for comics. One the one hand, she probably thought they were rotting my brain; but -- on the other -- at least I was reading something. But in this case, wrangling two whole dollars out of her for a single comic would take some doing.
My grandfather, on the other hand (affectionately known as "Papa"), was another story. While he wasn't exactly a pushover, Papa was a bit easier to wheedle into giving up the green (though he would bitch incessantly over the price of even a . 25¢ comic book).
Finally -- after what seemed like forever -- a trip to the local Big Star bore fruit.
There it was: mocking me.
There were two copies. A little boy, slightly younger than myself, had already latched onto one, and was serenading his mother with the plaintive cry that every child knows: "PLEEEEEEEEASEEEEEEE!"
After a few moments of such shenanigans, the poor, beleaguered mother finally seemed to be relenting; partly out of fatigue, and (at least partly) from acute embarrassment. I felt a little sorry for her as she agreed to the purchase, so I snagged the other copy and approached her and said "MEEEEE TOOOO!!!!"
Shortly upon arriving home -- nearly giddy with excitement -- I dove headfirst into what was touted as "THE GREATEST SUPERHERO TEAM-UP OF ALL TIME!"
And here's what I found inside:
The first thing I noticed about this comic was that it had a couple of pictures of old geezers in suits on the inside front cover. One of these, I recognized from numerous caricatures on the old Marvel Bullpen Bulletins pages as Stan Lee.
The other guy -- Carmine Infantino -- I didn't know; but if he was representing DC in the same capacity as Lee was for Marvel, he had to be some sort of big cheese.
Then we came to the actual story; penned by Gerry "I hadn't flipped out by this point" Conway, and lovingly rendered by Ross "The next best thing to John Romita" Andru.
I was in Heaven.
Our tale opens in the sprawling metropolis of, well... Metropolis; and there's this great big freaking robot, literally walking through the middle of town. (And when I say "walking through the middle of town": I'm not just whistling Dixie.)
Superman, 'natch, takes strident issue with that sort of anti-social okey-doke taking place in his town.
But the robot in question turns out to be quite the little toughie, all told; and disposes of Supes long enough to tear the proverbial roof right off of S.T.A.R. Labs, making off with an unspecified widget they've been working on, there (more on this later).
Superman makes his way back to the battle and plants the robot like a begonia...
... but: the head detaches itself and takes off, distracting our hero; allowing the perpetrator, one Lex Luthor, to make his escape, laughing all the way.
Meanwhile: Superman returns to his day job as Clark Kent, who (at this point in the Superman canon) was the nightly anchorman for WGBS News.
We have a brief introduction of Superman's (then-)regular supporting cast: Lois Lane, Morgan Edge, Jimmy Olsen, and the buffoonish Steve Lombard; the last of these whom winds up all wet, as Clark causes one of Lombard's practical jokes to backfire on him.
Jimmy, in his usual excitable manner, informs the group that a competing news outfit is running a special report on the robot rampage; which gives Clark the idea that he may well have missed something, whilst looking for the missing widget.
Back in the saddle, Superman surveys the damage, and retraces the robot's steps all the way to Metropolis Bay; where he comes across yet another mechanized menace.
One giant mechanical arm later, Superman finds himself inside the undersea vessel; where we find Luthor, gloating whilst simultaneously announcing that -- surprise! -- he intends to kill Superman. (Who'da thunk it...?)
Superman expresses his profound disapproval of Luthor's plan, and counterpoints that he intends to take Luthor back to the pokey. Luthor retorts that Supes will have a difficult time "taking" him anywhere, after he's been sliced into tiny little Kryptonian meatballs by his uber- powerful "laser maze."
Color Luthor surprised when -- wonder of wonders -- Superman fails to perish in this death trap; and actually escapes. The profoundly fashion -challenged villain then (temporarily) blinds our hero; spirits the widget away for later use; and makes quite a spectacle of himself when Superman cuts through the bulkhead with his heat vision, promptly flooding the ship and (ultimately) carting Baldie off to the nearest bastinado.
Superman then switches back to his Clark Kent I.D., just in time to catch up with the rest of our cast, who are (even now) hopping a flight to New York. (Still with me, so far...?)
Incidentally: just in case anyone reading this isn't familiar with the specifics, re: this "Superman" guy --
We now come to the second -- yes, second -- prologue to our tale (hey, I told you this was a big deal!); where we find our friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man lounging around on a flagpole across the street from a museum, which he notices is in the process of being burgled.
Spidey cannonballs into the miscreants with his usual cheery abandon, and discovers they're being led by none other than his own archenemy: Dr. Octopus.
Doc Ock introduces Spider-Man to -- and I swear, I'm not making this up -- "The Flying Octopus."
Let me repeat that: The Flying Octopus.
Upon gazing at said monstrosity, Spidey (naturally) can't resist the urge to poke a little fun at his long-time nemesis, who -- for some reason -- takes this good-natured ribbing the wrong way, and (as a result) instantly becomes homicidal.
However: whilst engaged with Ock in a little of the ol' mano a mano, a lucky shot takes Spider-Man out of the battle. Ock and his men then beat a hasty retreat, leaving Spidey to take the blame (as usual) from the local police.
Adding insult to injury: when Spidey (in his guise as news photographer Peter Parker) attempts to sell the photos he took of the battle to legendary editor/tightwad J. Jonah Jameson... the pics all come up out of frame, and land Peter in hot water.
So, with his trademarked "cryin'-in-my-Ovaltine" look still plastered across his mug, Peter meets up with his redheaded gal pal, Mary Jane Watson, and heads out to the movies. But Peter's cinematic plans end up cruelly dashed, as his patented "spider-sense" goes off while a blimp passes by, overhead.
Peter then
-- and there's simply no nice way to
Landing on the blimp, Spidey (re-)discovers, inside... The Flying Octopus!
The Arachnid Avenger then proceeds to make Ock look really stupid, by revealing he'd placed a teensy "Spider-Tracer" on Ock's person, during their previous encounter; and crashes the whole rig -- Ock; airship; "Flying Octopus"; and himself -- right smack-dab into the Central Park Reservoir.
Exit our sodden (but triumphant) hero: Stage Right.
And now, a few words about Spider-Man (after you've already read an entire chapter about him):
Now, we reach our third -- third, for cryin' out loud! THIRD! -- prologue; where we find Dr. Octopus already in prison, and Lex Luthor arriving there with prison guards a-flank, boasting that the ol' double "L" is gonna be there for the long haul, this time. Naturally, Luthor (no dummy, he) scoffs at such a notion.
Luthor makes Ock's acquaintance, and trades some brittle bon mots with him; then rolls over on his bunk, and -- all James Bond-like -- peels back some fake skin, revealing a whole bunch of electronic type stuff; which he quickly re-assembles into a sonic weapon (along with ear plugs, for himself); utilizing these to put the guards to sleep, while (simultaneously) freeing Ock and himself.
(... and, at this point: I'll note that it's right here we get our first true inkling of who's the real "A"-list bad guy, in this particular story.)
Now that we're almost halfway through this sucker... let's give you a little background on said bad guys:
Now ::gasp!:: we finally reach the first chapter of the story.
Here we find our principle characters attending "The World News Conference." After brief run-ins with their respective employers (and some accompanying plot exposition, revealing the big story of said conference is the launch of "ComLab One"; the world's first orbiting communications laboratory, and the mystery surrounding its true, actual purpose), our heroes witness Superman swooping down from absolutely out of nowehere, and pretty much vaporizing both Lois Lane and Mary Jane Watson with his heat vision.
Of course, this comes as quite a shock to Clark Kent (who just witnessed the whole darned thing); and -- as heroes are often wont to do -- both of the protagonists of our cross-company tale spring into action, meeting in the skies over Columbus Circle.
Spider-Man's luck runs true to form, with Superman leaping to the assumption that he must be in on whatever deviltry has just occurred. Spider-Man -- having no particularly compeling reason to presume Superman innocent, himself -- blames the Man Of Steel for the missing ladies, and promptly proceeds to take his own frustrations out on him; benefiting enormously (albeit unknowingly) from a secret "Red Sun Radiation" boosting of his power levels, courtesy of a hidden Lex Luthor. (With Doc Ock looking on, chirruping: "Yes, Luthor." "No, Luthor." "Can I pick up your dry cleaning, Luthor?").
Thus appropriately testosteroned up: Spidey then starts to put the proverbial WWF-type smackdown on an extremely startled Supes; with the Man Of Tomorrow attempting (fruitlessly) to "talk him down" from his red sun "buzz."
Eventually, Superman gets fed up with playing the punching bag, and sends Spidey for a ride. However, all good things come to an end; and -- as luck (and Gerry Conway) would have it -- Spider-Man's power boost ends just as soon as he makes his way back towards the battle. He spends the rest of the fight determining just how much punishment his hands can actually take, re: Superman's diamond-hard body.
Upon resolving their differences, our heroes then (finally) compare notes; and take off after the real bad guys. Following the energy trail left behind by Luthor's weapon, the titanic twosome make their separate ways to Luthor's secret sanctum; where they discover that the vanished ladies are (in fact) still very much alive, and are being held at (another) remote location.
Luthor and Ock gloat a bit and then vanish because -- hey -- they weren't actually "there" at all; but were, in fact, holograms. (I hate when that happens.)
Tapping Luthor's computer (after first having to repair it, due to an exploding booby trap), the stars of our story trace the miscreants to Mount Kilimanjaro, where -- after a brief powwow with the locals and a battle with a supercharged Masai warrior -- they discover where the bad guys were hanging out....
... "were" being the operative word, here; since they've already flown the coop (again), by launching themselves into outer space.
Still with me?
OK. Good.
Luthor -- with Ock still following along; all puppydog, like -- gives his new partner a quick, impromptu tour of the orbiting Injustice Gang satellite, and retrieves the widget he stole back during the events of the first prologue (I told ya it'd come up again, later!); informing Ock that it will allow them to "Destroy our foes once and for all --!"
At this point, we rejoin Morgan Edge and J. Jonah Jameson; commiserating over drinks about how Peter Parker and Clark Kent are good, but unreliable; and watching the ComLab launch (remember Comlab?).
Comlab goes through its various phases to become operational, and Luthor utilizes the widget to seize control of the satellite; thereby revealing its mystery purpose: weather control!
So: the good guys can't have the bad guys controlling the weather, and assault the satellite; but the ComLab satellite's laser bops 'em good.
Upon awakening, our heroes are subjected to the big, traditional super- villanous "master plan" speech; where we learn of Luthor's plans to blackmail the U.S. for 10 billion big ones (which he plans to split with Doc Ock, for some reason), in exchange for which he probably won't drown the Eastern Seaboard under a mile-high tidal wave.
Hearing this, the good guys leap into action; and -- after a brief round or two of sparring -- seem to be getting the upper handd...
... until Superman realizes that the aforermentioned tidal wave is still making its ponderous, destructive way towards the Eastern Seaboard; and that he maybe kinda oughta do something about that.
This leaves Spider-Man to fend for himself versus both Luthor and Ock. Things look pretty dire, at this point... and get even worse, when Luthor reveals he doesn't really care about the money; he just wants to destroy the planet, is all.
At this point, Ock decides he doesn't like this plan a whole lot; and smashes Luthor's computer, which is controlling the whole shebang. Luthor takes exception to this and promptly decks Ock.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Superman has to put down a big ol' tidal wave; utilizng "sonic blasts" from "breaking the sound barrier over and over." (Which looks way more impressive than it actually sounds.)
Back on earth: the girls are free; the bad guys are locked up; and our heroes go their separate ways. (Plus -- since they each got some exclusive footage/pics of the battle, their respective bosses both pick up the tab for dinner. Not bad for a day's work -- !)
I must say: it was well worth the two dollars. 
An Embarrassment of Riches (PAGE TWO)
An Embarrassment of Riches (PAGE THREE)
An Embarrassment of Riches (PAGE FOUR)
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