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The (KINDA)(SORTA)Super-Heroic
Legacy of Ralph Dibny: THE
ELONGATED MAN
[ Part Two ]
Okay. So: basic super-hero competence-wise... Ralph Dibny (a.k.a., the
Elongated Man) wasn't exactly lapping the rest of the spandexed field,
right in the beginning, there.
He got better, though. 
"Space-Boomerang Trap!" [THE FLASH #124; November, 1961; John Broome, writer; Carmine Infantino, artist] opens up with a vacationing Ralph perusing a letter from his newfound friend, Barry [the Flash] Allen, detailing a knotty dilemma weighing heavily upon the mind of the latter: the current whereabouts of perennial pain-in-the-tuchus Captain Boomerang.
"Boomerang may have been a model prisoner while in jail," the Scarlet Speedster muses; "... but he was a daring criminal before that! And a sensational coup on his first week out of jail would be just his style!"
[UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE: the Flash is being entirely too kind by half,
in this regard. In actual point of fact, the goonily haberdashed geekasaurus
better known as Captain Boomerang was (and remains, to this day) one
of the least menacing and/or effectual members of the Flash's personal "Rogues
Gallery"; a Johnny-One-Note costumed recidivist whose pet "gimmick" -- various
and sundry sorts of bizarrely enhanced boomerangs -- placed him somewhere on
the Unca Cheeks Dork-O-Meter midplace betwixt, say, old
Wonder Woman nemesis the Crimson Centipede and Steve Urkel.
So: now you know, then.)
"Captain Boomerang!" a grim-visaged Flash seethes, upon discovering the gangling gadfly loitering about the Central City Museum. "You dared show up here... in uniform?"
"And why shouldn't I be here, Flash?" Boomerang simpers, by way of reply. "The general public is invited to this exhibition... and that includes me, doesn't it? And as for my uniform... there's no law against my wearing it, is there?"
(No... but: there jolly well ought to be. I mean... just
look at that thing, f'chrissakes! A scarf and a beret?!?
Jesus on a pony -- !)
A stubborn Flash rudely insists upon chaperoning the sneering Boomerang throughout the entirety of the latter's tour of the museum; particularly whenever the Aussie rogue wanders too closely towards "the crown jewels of Normark," presently on loan to Central City for public display...
... which means that they're both in prime position to witness the event, moments later, when the inevitable boomerang comes a-whizzing through a nearby door.
"Good gosh!" a plainly startled Flash emotes. "That thing has snatched up the Normark jewels... and is heading for that open window!"
Confronting the Thomas Keene-eyed Captain Boomerang upon his quick return to the Museum, the Flash all but snarls in response to the former's pious exclamation of: "Why are you staring at me like that, Flash? You don't think -- !"
Well... yes. He does, as a matter of fact. (Go figure,
huh...?)
"Now listen, palsy!" the affronted Aussie scolds. "I'm not the only one in the world capable of manipulating a boomerang, you know! After all, you saw me here all the time...!"
Intuiting his friend's befuddlement and consternation from all of the foregoing, then: Ralph Dibny resolves to make a quick road trip, down Central City way. Just for a quick look-see, mind.
Meanwhile, Back At Pinhead University: the Dean of Students is working
on his orientation speech.
"I've got Flash going in circles... at super-speed" a smug Captain Boomerang gloats, inwardly. "He can't figure out my latest stunt! And yet it's so simple --
[UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE: ... well... it would almost have to be,
wouldn't it...?]
"... something my very active brain worked out in jail!"
(Yeah. Right. Whatever.)
Said "simple" stunt, in plain point of fact, turns out to have been [Pick One]:
A.) "... this time-travel boomerang! When I throw it a certain way, its vibrations carry it into the future!"
B.) "... this transformation boomerang! When I throw it a certain way, the vibrations morph me into a far mightier costumed super- villain! Like the Calendar Man, say... or maybe even the Top!"
C.) "... this chiropractor boomerang! When I toss it a certain way, the vibrations throw my back out!"
D.) "... mutual funds! Screw this 'costumed super-villain'
crap! We're talkin' high-yield interest bearing bearer bonds!
We're talkin' coffee futures! We're talkin' PORK BELLIES,
even-- !"
As luck would have it (mind that I don't call it good luck, necessarily): the Captain's "time-travel boomerangs" have been be-bopping their merry way through a completely alien aspect of the chronal-spatial continuum.
No. Seriously.
"The world that this object comes from," one of the alien residents therein opines, upon witnessing the arc of yet another "time-travel boomerang" whizzing through their other-worldly air space, "must be getting ready to attack us! We must attack first!"
(Well, don't look at me, f'chrissakes. I didn't write
it.)
(I mean: are these the bone stupidest aliens evereverever,
or what? A chunk o' wood is seen in the skies over their
typically ultra-advanced ubercity -- a curved stick, mind, now;
not much bigger than your hand, for cry-yi-yi -- and they figure its
the vanguard of an extra-dimensional invasion force?!? JEEzus!
Good thing no butterflies ever showed up; they might've started preparing
for the imminent arrival of Galactus or somethin'. I'm just sayin',
is all.)
Well. Anyway: the redoubtable Ralph arrives in Central City, in full spandexed regalia; to the not-inconsiderable consternation and bewildermenrt of the city's locals.
"I like people looking at me!" the Elongated Exhibitionist cheerily confesses, at one point. "I guess that's why I always wear my Elongated Man uniform in public... my trademark!"
(" [...] that's why I always wear my [costume] in public"...? Always?!? Even at the McDonald's drive-through? Even when buying socks at Sears? Even when passing by the local elementary school playground -- ?!?
(I... ummmmmm... I think I know why "people" are "looking" at you, Mr. Dibny, sir.
(You twisted, degenerate animal freak, you.)
Tracking down buddy Flash at the museum (he has no "life" apparently, either. Just... y'know... hangs out in the general area of the Egyptian Art exhibit, most nights. With his pants off.), Ralph mulls over their joint options, re: safeguarding said establishment's rare and irreplaceable "collection of Chinese jade"...
... and then: the Gomer Pyle of the super-villain set waltzes
into the room.
"Naturally I'm here, Flash," the little weenie silkily avers. "I have to establish an alibi in case anything... errr... happens to that jade, you know! Otherwise, I'd be the prime suspect! Ha! Ha!"
"He's mocking us, Ralph," a glowering Flash seethes at his spandexed
buddy; "... as if challenging us to pin these crimes on him!" (There's
just no fooling the trained and experienced Silver Age DC Comics super-hero,
is there...?)
Once again, a boomerang mysteriously appears right out of bloody nowhere; and (once again) said Aussie toy scoops up the very gimcrack being guarded by Flash and Elongated Man, and promptly hightails it out the nearest conveniently open window.
Working in not-too-terribly-silly tandem, the Scarlet Speedster and the Ductile Detective manage to snare the wayward wooden dingus; the better to muse and ponder over it, in turn.
"If our wily foe is behind this stunt," a smug speedster all but gloats, "his fingerprints should appear on this boomerang! And if they do, we've got him!"
Obviously, the Fastest Man Alive (who, God wot, isn't exactly keeping the Batman awake most nights, worrying about that "World's Greatest Detective" rep) hasn't thought things all the way through on this one. The "wily" (*kaff*kaff*) Captain Boomerang's costume comes equipped with gloves, after all; and it's manifestly unlikely that even an umpteen-
time loser such of his dubious caliber would ever be so blind horse stupid as to... to...
"My fingerprints?!?" the rodent-like rogue bleats inwardly, whilst attempting to scamper. "Holy smoke! I didn't always wear my gloves while handling that boomerang! I've got to get out of here!"
Okay... so. Two quick observations, at this juncture in the storytelling proceedings:
1.) I've got a nine-year-old at home who could out-cogitate all three of these JEOPARDY contestant wannabes.
2.) Go ahead: laugh at Boomerang, if you wanna.
Just bear in mind, however: he was one of the Flash's arch-enemies, for something like... I dunno... eleventy-gazillion years or so (give or take). Gave him all sorts of fits, all that time, too.
So: what does that say about Our Hero, then, in this particular
instance...?
Just as the Flash zips forward and collars the scrambling super-baddie, the latter frantically gestures towards the following page and shrills: "Flash, wait! LOOK -- !"
"What in thunder -- ?" a plainly flabbergasted Flash manages to blurt.
"People stretched out in the street," Boomerang helpfully observes. "Crawling on all fours, as if they can hardly move -- !"
(Oh. So... it's sorta like Ft. Lauderdale during spring break,
then...?)
"... strange creatures," one of the prostrate and glassy-eyed pedestrians wheezes, when questioned; "... like beings from another world... shooting queer weapons..."
(Naaaaaahhhh. Too easy. Particularly given that one
of the members of our gaudily spandexed trio is wearing a long, poofy scarf...
and another one is Ralph "My Life Was Ultimately Given Meaning By Watching
Semi-Naked Older Men Contort Themselves" Dibny. I'm just sayin',
is all.)
"Over here, Flash!" Ralph interjects. "There's an announcement over the television... there's a set on in this store!"
After calmly informing the excited Ralph that what he's watching is, in plain point of fact, an old re-run of CHARLES IN CHARGE -- which (Christ knows) certainly could be mistaken as evidence of an alien invasion -- the Flash changes channels; and the trio is rewarded by the sight of an ashen newscaster solemnly intoning the following [Pick One]:
A.) "... and by some mysterious radiation, the aliens have neutralized all our weapons! Our armed forces are helpless! The government is being called on to surrender! The aliens are equipped with fatigue guns!"
B.) "... and the very first thing the invading aliens did was to drag a hysterically screeching and blubbering Will Smith out onto the White House lawn. And then take turns... doing things to him. For hours and hours, even."
C.) "When reached for comment, Superman; Hawkman; and the Martian Manhunter all merely chuckled quietly and murmured: "... alien beings, you say...? Heh-heh-heh... big, mean, nastybad aaaaaaaliens, picking on the poor, widdle helpwess humans...? MWAH-ha-haaa -- !"
D.) "No. Seriously. 'Fatigue Guns.' Says
so, right on the handles."
"We've got to use our special powers to fight these invaders, Ralph!" a grim-visaged Flash stoutly avers.
"Right!" the Elongated Man readily agrees. "It's we two against the invaders!"
"Make that we three!" Captain Boomerang chirrups, in summation. "Give me a chance, Flash! I... I want to fight for our world against these alien creatures!"
For reasons which surely passeth all human understanding
(unless the two heroes are simply thinking: "... ahhhhh...what the hell...
kinda skinny to work as a shield, mebbe... buuuuuuuut..."),
Flash and Elongated Man both nod assent; and the ferocious, juggernaut-like
alien armada is promptly made mincemeat of by The Fastest Creature In the Entire
Bloody Universe (formidable); A Guy Whose Balled Fists Possess All the Same
Awesome Consistency of Wet Play-Doh (ummmmm...); and Some Poodle Wanker
Who Lobs Curved Sticks At People (... oh, c'mon, now...).
Somewhere along the way, however: Boomerang manages to get his grubby little mitts on one of the aliens' aforementioned "fatigue guns"... and (oh, golly; who ever could have seen this one coming?) promptly turns its rays upon the two super-heroes, the very instant Earth has been liberated, once more.
Upon regaining whatever it is he's been using in the place of actual consciousness all throughout this sorry business, the Scarlet Speedster is nonplussed to discover himself trussed and strapped onto a... a...
... well: just look at it, f'chrissakes.
Just makes you wanna go find out where John Broome's
kids live and whack the holy living crap outta them, doesn't it...?
"You haven't licked me yet, Captain Boomerang!" a belligerent Flash
snarls (having forgotten, apparently, about that one drunken weekend at the
"Bide-A-Wee" Econo-Lodge during the annual Silver Age Heroes and Villains "mixer,"
a few years back.)
"Haven't licked you?" the oh-so-sensitive super-baddie shoots back. "Listen... when I shoot off this huge space boomerang that I prepared especially for this purpose... it will carry you into a perpetual orbit around the moon! You're finished, Flash!"
" [...] this huge space boomerang..." "[...] especially for this purpose..."
Kill me.
Well: it's just as the huuuuuuge "space boomerang" (I may never get tired of typing those words, really. Space... boomerang. SPACE. Boomerang. Spaaaaaaaaace... BOOOOOOOOMerang.) is finally well on its way to achieving escape velocity that a groggy and reeling Ralph Dibny finally manages to shrug himself awake.
"Tired or not," the doughty (if dough-like) warrior resolves; "... I've got to catch that boomerang before it gets out of reach! Flash's life is at stake!"
(... because God alone knows but that the captive Flash couldn't possibly do anything as patently ridiculous or out of character as... oh, I dunno... say... vibrating himself out of those ropes, there... or simply undoing the knots, at super-speed...
(... or even maybe just patiently hanging on and enjoying the bloody ride
until the big, dopey "space boomerang" completes its proscribed arc and comes
right back to the point where it STARTED, even. I mean: it's
a freakin' BOOMERANG, for the love of Allah! A BOOOOOOMERANG!
It. Will. Come. Back. Helloooooo -- !)
"Thanks a million, Ralph!" a grateful Flash enthuses, upon being (*snort*) "rescued" from A Certain Fate Worse Than... Whatever. "You can let go of me now -- !"
(Boyoboy... get the little freakazoid away from his long-suffering wife
for just a day or two, and suddenly it's Alternative Lifestyle City,
isn't it...?)
"The Flash overtakes his foe with such a burst of speed" (the accompanying caption wearily provides) "... that the wind from his passing -- like a fierce, hurricane wind -- knocks the legs out from Captain Boomerang..." (Ewwwwwwwwwwww -- !)
("The wind from his passing" is "like a fierce, hurricane
wind"...?)
So: this time out, ol' Ralphie Boy actually managed to pull something like his own (negligible) weight, when called upon to do so.
In other words: a marked step up from his initial spandexed offing, to be sure...
... but: could the still-wet-behind-the-domino-mask hero do the same, one wonders, if pressed to do so by some hero other than the genial and forgiving likes of Barry Allen?
Someone along the lines of... oh, say...
... the Batman?
Be here in a scant fourteen days, campers and camperettes...
... and see for yourselves.
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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