Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
... which includes (but is by no means limited to) Goggling Incredulously At Other People's "Minimum Bids"; Cursing the Motherless Scum Who First Cobbled Up the Misbegotten "Reserve Bid" Shell Game; Watching Out For Claim-Jumpers, Bushwhackers and Bottom-Feeders; and Anguishing Late Into the Night Over Whether or Not You Really, Truly Need That Copy of PLOP #27.
I feel not unlike a particularly stunned and disbelieving
Margaret Mead or Jane Goodall; having finally staggered my way -- all bloodied
and disheveled -- from the dense online underbrush of a particularly savage
and unforgiving section of Lilliput. 
Like many of you, I'd heard much shouting and hullabalooing, of late, concerning the online "auction service" known as eBay: a place where (according to its more fevered proponents) pristine mint copies of DETECTIVE COMICS #27 littered the glittering cyber-streets like so many discarded gum wrappers; and ACTION COMICS #1 could be had for one thin dime, American, if only one exercised enough patience and brute animal cunning.
Like many of you: I'm perfectly willing (if not downright eager)
to believe any damnfool thing I'm told, provided it involves getting my greedy,
grasping claws on various and sundry old comic books.
As actual truth would have it -- having, myself, spent the last several weeks energetically dancing with this particular devil in the pale moonlight -- I can (and do) state, with perfect assurance, that a good 80% or 85% of the claims made on eBay's behalf by its respective cheerleaders are complete and utter hokum. Rhetorical moonshine. Brazen and naked flim-flamming of the first magnitude. Hokum Deluxe... with a plastic cherry on top, even.
However...
... however...
... this is not to say that I don't think each and every one of you out there, reading these words and just, y'know, burning with the sick, insatiable need for old comics on the (comparative) cheap shouldn't at least check this place out a time or three.
You just have to know how the natives there operate first, is all.
Which is (of course) where Your Cranky Ol' Unca Cheeks finally enters the narrative.
Come. Firewalk with me.
The two best places to start, Old Comics-Wise, are these: Silver Age Comics: Superhero and Modern (Bronze Age) Comics: 1970 - 1980.
Both of these will lead you to "baseline" pages for the sorts of comics referenced within their respective titles. Said comics are offered in one of two ways: either as individual issues, or else as "lots" (i.e., multiple issues of a particular series [e.g.: "LOT: Amazing Spider-Man #71-75], or comics sharing some sort of thematic "link" [e.g.: "Strange Sports Stories #6 and Championship Sports #1; Both NM Condition! MUST SEE!"]).
Each of the aforementioned "baseline" pages is sequentially numbered, so as to effortlessly lead the casual browser to still more pages of similar stuff (an exceptionally intelligent -- and user-friendly -- arrangement, and much to eBay's credit). The books are listed in chronological order; from the most recent offerings, to those which were posted up to seven days prior to that point. (Seven days being the standard length of time any item is offered for open bidding on eBay.)
Each book (or lot) has a "minimum bid" listed to its immediate right... although (as we are soon to observe) said "minimum bid" may, in fact, be nothing of the kind. (A wrinkle in the "auctioning" process which is anything but to eBay's credit.)
Each and every listed offering thereon is in the form of a hypertextual "link,"
and -- with but a single click of the mouse -- spirits the interested reader
to a separate "page" wherein any given item(s) may be viewed and/or described
in greater detail. It is on these individual "pages" that anyone so inclined
may post a "bid" on any given item (more on that, in a bit), as well
as reference the buying and/or selling "history" of any registered eBay
member (an invaluable service; too many negative or "beware"-type comments under
any individual's name being One Damned Good Reason to think twice before posting
your own bid on that VF+/NM copy of AVENGERS #57 inexplicably being offered
for a quarter. Caveat emptor, always, of course... but: eBay,
of a certainty, does do its level best to keep the scammers and sharks
as starved for nourishment as is humanly possible. It's well worth remembering,
always: "... if a deal seems too good to be true...")
These, then, are the essential "mechanics" involved in making a comics purchase on eBay.
However: there is a great deal more you truly need to know, if you want to walk away from the experience both satisfied and bargain-
bloated. (Both of these being quite possible, thank you... so long as you're careful in your reading, and prudent in your bidding. And I state this with the benefit of first-hand experience.)
Come; let Unca Cheeks show you how to most effectively (and effortlessly) take
candy from babies.
Let's say (solely by way of example, mind; I'm positing a
wholly hypothetical eBay listing, in this instance) you're sufficiently
intrigued by one posted entry in the Silver
Age Comics: Superhero listings ("SUPERBOY #101 Through #125...
All For $30! FINE Condition! LOOK!") to chance a bid on said entry.
I mean... what the hell; the price sure as heck is "right," bargain-wise.
(Those same books Guide out at something closer to three hundred, altogether,
in that condition.) At a price like that one, you could even keep
two-thirds of 'em, and sell the remainder to someone else at a profit
(you little would-be entrepreneur, you!).
Stop. Wait.
Check out the left-hand side of your screen, while you're still on the "bidding" page.
If you see any blue-tinted hypertext reading: "reserve has not yet been met"... you're being snookered, baby.
Remember when I said, earlier, that "a 'minimum bid' may, in fact, be nothing of the kind"...?
This particular little would-be scam (on the part of the auctioneer in question) is known as the "reserve bid" auction.
You need to A-V-O-I-D any book with one of these fiscal/locutional lampreys attached to its underbelly.
See: what "reserve has not yet been met" means (in human speech) is that the would-be seller, in this instance, has registered his/her books with eBay in such a fashion that he/she doesn't absolutely have to sell 'em to you -- even if you post the highest bid for 'em; hell, even if you post the ONLY bid for 'em! -- if you don't "meet" his/her undisclosed, TRUE "minimum bid" for said books.
If you're all scratching your heads, at this point, and muttering something to the effect of: "... well... yeah... but: why didn't the seller just list the friggin' books at the bare minimum price he would be willing to accept in the FIRST @#$%ing place, then?"...
... well: that's a darned good question, isn't it...?
There's a certain "article of faith" amongst some of the regular eBay auctioneers with whom I've corresponded, whilst researching this piece -- not all of them, by any means; nowhere near even a majority of 'em. really; just a small (but significant) portion of them -- to the effect of: "If I post these books at what I really want for 'em, push come to shove... no one will ever bid on them in the first place. So: I'll list 'em at A Ridiculously Low 'Minimum Bid'... and then let the suckers out there drive the final price up themselves, bidding against one another...
"... and: if they don't snap at the 'bait'... then: I'll just re-list the same books later on, and wait for some new Goober or Gomer, instead."
In the real world of everyday commerce -- be it retail or otherwise -- this sort of baiting-and-switching is the sole province of the less savory sorts of used car salesmen; unscrupulous life insurance telemarketers; and amoral Three-Card Monte hustlers.
Sadly: it is one of the few (but very real) pitfalls of life on the eBay comics boards.
Plain and simple, folks: if someone's selling their book(s) at an undisclosed (and unverifiable, until the auction is well and truly ended) "reserve price" they don't feel all that comfortable as listing as their true "minimum bid" in the first place...
... then: said "reserve price" is high enough that they know good and damned well you'd never be willing to pony up to begin with, had they been honest and aboveboard enough to mention it right from the git-go.
Not only will you end up wasting precious time, bidding on these four-color chimeras; you'll also be "tying up" discretionary pocket funds you might otherwise have (re-)directed towards other equally desirable books, had you not set your cap for these, instead.
Never, ever bid on these comics, folks.
Trust me: you ain't getting 'em.
Not at anything remotely like a bargain price, at any rate.
Another one of the select handful of potential pitfalls involved in bidding for comics online, of course, is that of Grading (i.e., any given item's "condition").
Now: I've made enough "Bob Overstreet" jokes in my lifetime that I qualify
(handily) as anything but a "condition lawyer," insofar as the average
comic book is concerned. I mean... heck: so long as all of the pages
are there, and the cover isn't falling off... y'know? I'm
easy.
(Ohhhhhh... all right, then: one "Bob Overstreet" joke. Bob Overstreet gets married, see? And his new bride -- a blushing and [ostensibly] virginal young thing -- awaits her... ummmmm... "deflowering," in their marital bed, right?
(Well: Ol' Bob, he sliiiiiiiides in next to her, 'tween cool, silken sheets; opening maneuvers are commenced [ifyouknowwhatimean]; and --
( -- and: just when events are about to reach their carnal crescendo... Bob stops what he's doing [ohhhhh... use your imaginations, for pity's sake]; vaults back out of the bed; and calmly begins to shrug back into his clothing (!).
("... Bob...?" Our Sweet Young Thing queries, much perplexed by this turn of events. "Honey? What in the world...?"
("Just making certain it was Pristine Mint," the patriarchal Bob replies.
"And -- by golly! -- it oughtta at least double in value in the next
five, ten years if we make certain it stays that way!" [Insert
Rimshot Here] [Insert Stunned, Disbelieving Expression Here])
Happily (let's all just agree to put that unfortunate lapse in taste and judgment behind us, shall we?), eBay is cognizant of the sad (but inarguable) fact that the average comics fanboy can no more accurately assess the true grade of any given comic book than he can flap both arms and achieve escape velocity, unaided. The system is set up in such a way that -- should the auctioneer have ready access to a scanner -- suitably representative likenesses of the wares being hawked are available, in most instances, for public gawking and/or general hilarity.
(My favorite eBay "moment," in this regard, was the blandly confident assertion on the part of one such online huckster to the effect that: "Other than the fact that this book is water-damaged and coverless, it's a solid VF+ [Very Fine Plus]." Oh, yeah; if not for that...) ("If not for the fact that the patient's head has been physically removed from its torso and mailed to Yugoslavia in a tupperware bowl... he could be a world-
class gymnast.")
Okay. So: one more potential "pitfall" for us to go over, then...
and we can move on to the stuff you all really wanna hear about (i.e.,
How To Score Some Kick-Ass Bargains).
One eBay old-timer described them to me -- his e-mail "voice" larded with contempt -- as "bottom-feeders."
On the eBay message board, I've seen them referred to (variously) as "claim-jumpers"; "bushwhackers"; and (shades of the Scarlet Pimpernel!) "highwaymen."
Myself: I much prefer the term "babysnatchers."
If you'll go back to the baseline page for whichever eBay comics board you initially clicked onto, you'll find a wee, small option labeled: "Going, Going, Gone."
What said option does is precisely this: it lists every single comic book within said category with five hours or less to go in its respective auction.
I've spoken to eBay regulars -- and there are more than a few of 'em; oh, yes indeedy -- who never, no never click onto anything OTHER than the "Going, Going, Gone" option.
What these individuals are searching for, of course -- their eyes, owlish and unblinking; their hearts, like unto chunks of basalt -- are the very books that YOU'VE already bid upon.
More specifically: the books you've already bid upon, and -- with but a scant few hours remaining, mind -- have already all but bagged; boarded; and filed away into your own collection.
These penny-ante pirates are past masters at the underhanded game of "upping" your bid by fifty cents (or maybe even just a quarter)... and swiping that all-but-unnoticed (except by you, of course) Mint/Near Mint copy of FANTASTIC FOUR #52 (or what-have-you) right out from under your very nose, with the bidding "clock" reading T-30 minutes or less. They all but live, really, for the chill and remorseless "thrill" of snatching up this comic or that one scant heartbeats before the online referee blows his whistle and declares: Game Over.
This is (of course) all perfectly legal and kosher; this being, after all, an honest-to-Allah auction.
Other similarly legal actions (in this country, at least) include: farting in enclosed elevators; giving very young children Marilyn Manson tapes for their birthdays; telling people who "Rosebud" was, fifteen minutes before CITIZEN KANE ends; walking past convents while screeching the lyrics to "I Touch Myself" at the top of your lungs; and standing in front of the local orphanage on Christmas morning, holding up a Toys-R-Us catalogue and cackling daemonically.
Lots and lots of things are legal, certainly.
I cannot stress it enough: if you've placed on a bid upon one item (or one "lot" of items); and if you have your heart set on it, in especial...
... make a note to yourself: check back up on it, one-half hour before the auction is slated to end.
The surest way to foil and frustrate the babysnatchers is this:
Don't leave your babies alone and unguarded.
How To Bid Like a Gazillionaire (Or Else Just Look
Like One).
Okay. There are some serious, for-real bidding tips'n'tricks it'll
pay for you to remember, whilst fending off the local piranha in pursuit of
That One Particular Comic Book You've Only Ben Trying To Find Even a Halfway
Decent Copy Of For the Last Eighteen or Twenty Years.
1.) DO NOT Be Too Quick To Bid On Every Waycool Old Comic You Happen To See.
Tying up the majority of your discretionary funds in that first giddy, feverish
rush of "... omigawd... just lookit at alla dis great STUFF --
!" means you'll be tapped-out and over-extended fifteen minutes later, when
clicking over onto the next "page" in your category reveals an even nicer
copy of the book you just bid upon... five dollars cheaper.
Take your time. Look around. There are (typically) over ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY lengthy "pages" of comics being offered up for auction in both the Silver and Bronze Age categories on eBay; day in and day out; seven days a week; three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year.
Not everyone starts out the bidding on whatever comics they're selling at the same baseline minimum. (I've seen "key," ultra-scarce Silver Age books -- IRON MAN #1, for instance -- placed at an opening bid of five dollars... SOLELY in order to generate that initial frenzied "wave" of opening bids from panting, disbelieving fanboys and speculators.)
Key point to remember: eBay works in precisely the same fashion as does any "real" auction. You bid on an item; you are liable for that bid, unless and/or until someone outbids you.
Count to seven before placing any bid. Slowly.
Then -- if you still feel like it; and have already spent as
much time Stalking the Great White Bargain as you can tolerate for the evening
-- and only then: bid on dat dere bad boy!
2.) Bid Smart, F'Chrissakes. Check Out the Next Allowable Minimum Bid Increment.
This means two things, actually.
First and foremost: check out what you're allowed to bid next, if you're attempting to "one-up" a competitor for the same item. Is the next allowable bid twenty-five cents? Fifty cents? A dollar? Five dollars? (The information is available at the bottom of your screen.)
If the auction for said item is winding down, and your gut instinct is that
you can get away with it: bid the bare minimum allowable
in order to score that puppy. (Unca Cheeks' Rule Numero Uno, re: Bidding For Comics On eBay: any money you don't bid today
is money you have ready for bidding on an even nicer book tomorrow.)
That being said, however: maybe that gut of yours is sending out low-level distress signals to the effect that you're not quite out of the woods yet on this particular item... and maybe you're gonna have to fend off at least one more competing "bid," before the fabled fat lady stretches her yawp and yodels.
Okay. DO. NOT. PANIC.
Here's what you should do, in this situation:
Bid the next allowable minimum... plus $00.33.
The bidding screen will not "show" that quarter-nickel-and-three-
pennies. The way eBay's screens are set up: that additional information is (for all practical intents and purposes) "invisible."
The next person to attempt a bid on the item you're fighting for --
whenever they attempt to "up" bidding by the minimum allowable, in turn -- will
receive an automatic response to the effect that: "You have been outbid.
Please go back and try again." Because you've already outbid them,
you see. (So far as eBay's system is concerned, at any rate.)
Now it's the other fellah's turn to stop and consider: just how badly do I want this comic book, really? Am I really ready to get into a bidding war over this one particular item...?
I've scored any number of swell books, this way.
People blink, sometimes.
You'd be amazed.
3.) Never Ever Ever Bid On Any Comic With a Hidden "Minimum Reserve."
I know... I know. Already covered.
Just wanted to make double dead dawg certain you remember it, is all.
4.) If An Item Clears the Entire Seven-Day Auction Period Without Garnering Any Bids (It Happens), and It's One You Want; E-Mail the Seller, ASAP!
Lookit: this poor schlub just spent the last seven days anticipating a nice little windfall on some old funnybooks he didn't much care if he ever saw again in the first place... and: came up empty-handed.
Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nyet. Nada. The Big Goose Egg. All Dressed Up and No Place To Go.
Depending upon the circumstances under which he placed said item(s) up for mass public appraisal in the first place -- hard-pressed for cash? New baby in the house? Just tired of looking at the damned things, even? -- he may well be willing to deal with you privately.
Again: it's of little use attempting this sort of thing with the poindexter
who favors "minimum reserve bids" on his merchandise. He already has his
withered heart "set" upon a specific dollar amount in the first place.
E-mail that guy with an offer of "... would you settle, maybe, for...?"
and (likely as not) you'll receive a terse, two-word message by way of reply.
And I don't mean: "Happy Birthday."
This gambit does work often enough, on the other hand, with the regular sorts out there that it's well worth the minimal amount of time and effort requisite. Just remember to be reasonably earnest and civil, while doing so.
The poor devil's already nursing a heartache, As Is, after all.
Finally -- and, perhaps, most importantly -- always, ALWAYS bear the following in mind, at all times:
5.) You Can NOT "Win" While Bidding Against a Genuinely Insane Individual. Know WHEN To Cut Your Losses and Call It a Night!
Occasionally -- not so often that it should be an omnipresent concern
to you; but frequently enough that you'll come to recognize the tell-tale warning
signs, the way farm animals can preternaturally "sense" an incipient tornado
-- you will find yourself locked into a staring contest with a madman.
If someone genuinely craves a specific comic or "lot" so desperately that they willingly bid several multiples of Guide "mint" price for copies which look as if they've just been emergency air-lifted out of a federal disaster area; if they covet that particular issue of DAREDEVIL or WONDER WOMAN so nakedly that -- no matter when you place your latest follow-up bid; if it's two in the freakin' A.M., even -- their "trump" always occurs within fifteen minutes of your own, max...
Step back away from the keyboard s-l-o-w-l-y -- no sudden gestures, now! -- and make for the nearest fire exit...
... because: you are dealing with a full-bore, wide-eyed and take-no-
prisoners loonie.
He just plain ol' wants that comic more deeply (and more derangedly) than you ever, ever will.
In the immortal words of the much-missed Margaret Hamilton: "Surrender,
Dorothy."
Don't wind up making yourself crazy, attempting to one-up a nutjob. You already knew you weren't going to win every danged bid out there anyway...
... and: better you shouldn't end up the way he did.
The book will show up for bid again -- 99.9999999% of the time, out of
every one hundred -- within the next thirty days or so. My personal
guarantee to you. (I've already seen everything ever listed in Overstreet
parade in front of me, these past few weeks alone. Twice.)
Doesn't even matter if it's something genuinely scarce, like (say) SUGAR AND SPIKE #1. Or MIGHTY CRUSADERS #5. Or AVENGERS ANNUAL #2. Or what-have-you. YOU WILL SEE THAT BOOK AGAIN.
In that respect: visiting eBay once per day is a little like being
the Bill Murray character in the film GROUNDHOG'S DAY.
Allllllllllllllllllrighty, then.
I have now imparted unto you -- in my artless, zen-like way, I mean -- everything
you absolutely need to know, before heading out there to either the vaults
of the Silver
Age Comics: Superhero Valhalla, or else the Modern
(Bronze Age) Comics: 1970 - 1980 happy hunting
grounds... and bidding like absolute madmen.
I'm giving eBay the coveted (shyeah... right) Unca Cheeks' Two Thumbs and a Third Appendage Best Left Unspecified UP, overall. The place seems competently and intelligently run; I've managed to track down some nice funnybooks there I've been seeking out via other avenues for stone years, already; the prices are (occasionally) nothing short of sensational ($6.00 for a M/NM "lot" of DEFENDERS #2, #3 and #4? I won that one, bay-beeeee!); and I've met some damned nice people over there, to boot.
Unca Cheeks says: check it out....
... and: be back here in seven.
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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