Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!

"Not silly enough"...?"
You all send your aged and doddering Unca Cheeks e-mail, re: last week's installment of The 12 Silliest DC COMICS EVER PUBLISHED... and you (collectively) dare opine that the comic book referenced in said entry (DETECTIVE COMICS #350: "The Monarch of Menace") "wasn't SILLY enough"...?!?

I can see that Unca Cheeks has been taking it entirely too easy on the lot of you, of late; due, doubtless (one may only presume), to the native and fabled kindness of heart and generosity of spirit for which he is (quite rightly) worshipped like unto the Deity, worldwide.

I blame myself, of course.

Bee-Man. "Super-gophers." Mike Friedrich, even.

You've all grown bloody jaded, is what it is.

We can fix that.

"The Outcast Super-Heroes" (ADVENTURE COMICS #350"; November, 1966; E. Nelson Bridwell, writer; Curt Swan, pencils) opens up with a shot of Superboy as he "cleans his secret trophy room, in the basement of the Kent home..."

"Oh-oh!" the Smallvillian Super-Savior thinks to himself. "The statuette of Invisible Kid is lighting up! That means an emergency Legion meeting -- since he's the Legion's leader!"

(That always struck me as decidedly... odd, incidentally: this whole "row-upon- row-of-glowing- Legionnaire-dolls" business, I mean. What sort of self- respecting super- hero group uses cute li'l dollies in order to communicate with its members, f'chrissakes?) ("'Oh, look!' the Batman exclaimed. 'My Snapper Carr dolly is glowing! That means an emergency Justice League tupperware party!' " I mean... c'mon, f'chrissakes... )

Anyway: the Teen of Tomorrow uses his god-like panoply of powers to go to tomorrow, one thousand years removed... and (upon arrival in the 30th Century) promptly experiences Major Technical Difficulties, health-

wise. ("Great planets! I suddenly feel very weak!")

A frantic Brainiac V quickly hustles the flagging Superboy into the comparative safety of the Legion clubhouse, whereupon the pair are joined by an equally puzzled Supergirl and the rest of the Legion roster.

As it turns out, the entire planet has become enshrouded by "a cloud of Green Kryptonite dust," due to...

... well... no particularly lucid or compelling reason, actually. [See panel reproduction, below]

(One thing you need to bear in mind, whenever reading a Silver Age Legion of Super-Heroes tale: Things Just... Happen, much of the time. A "space whale" just happens to swallow your one-man "astro-crusier"... with you still in it. An "intergalactic energy phenomenon" just happens to transform another planet's super-hero group into slaveringly eeeevil "space renegades." You actually kinda sorta get used to it, after a while.)

After various Legionnaires have tried (and failed) to eliminate the Green Kryptonite cloud -- Cosmic Boy's super-magnetism isn't powerful enough to counteract the tug of Earth's gravitational field keeping the cloud in place; Element Lad's transmutation powers, when employed, threaten to cause "a chain reaction that could have destroyed Earth!"; etc., etc. -- Brainiac V breaks the unwelcome news that said cloud "won't lose that [magnetic] attraction [towards Earth] for at least two years!"

"You both know what that means?" a grim-visaged Invisible Kid inquires of the Kryptonian duo.

"Yes," a glum Superboy responds. "We will be unable to take part in Legion missions without exposing ourselves to that deadly Green K! It means we must -- " (Pick One):

A.) " -- be expelled from the Legion!"

B.) " -- see if the Teen Titans are hiring!"

C.) " -- make ourselves nice and comfy hereabouts, since we obviously can't go back outside and attempt to, y'know, leave. Thanks for screwing up the timeline. Jerks."

D.) " -- ask you something we've been wondering about ever since we first hooked up with this futuristic farm team: dolls -- ?!?"

Difficult as it may be to credit, the correct answer (in this instance) is "A": expulsion from the Legion.

(Why, precisely, Superboy and Supergirl simply couldn't elect to skip over that particular two-year span when visiting their far-future friends -- this being time travel, after all -- is never made terribly clear, really. Remember: Things Just... Happen.)

"At least we'll have our memories of the Legion," a morose Supergirl murmurs, after a brief "farewell" ceremony of sorts, courtesy of the assembled Legionnaires.

"No, Supergirl," Invisible Kid counters. "I'm afraid we must take even them away from you! Back in the 20th Century, you might inadvertently leave clues to our secret weapons [...] which your enemies could find and use against you! We're going to brainwash you, and make you forget the very existence of the Legion!"

(This seems an inordinately severe sort of reaction... even for the ultra-authoritarian likes of the Legion, f'chrissakes. I mean: what sort of "platform" do you suppose this guy campaigned on, while running for the post of Legion leader...?

(INVISIBLE KID: "... and -- if elected -- I pledge to bring back ritual flogging for dirty or wrinkled capes! AND: I'll have Triplicate Girl stripped and shaven!"

(COSMIC BOY: "Dammit, Kid! That's way, waaay out of line!"

(INVISIBLE KID [musing]: "Welllllll... okay. Not shaven, maybe..."

(CHAMELEON BOY [impatient]: "What about the dolls issue, dammit? We need more DOLLS -- !!"

(COSMIC BOY [to Chameleon Boy; sadly]: "You're going to die a virgin. You know that, don't you...?")

Forgive me. I seem to have wandered my way into snideness and dementia once again, haven't I...?

Okay. So: Brainiac V and Invisible Kid detail how this whole "brainwashing" deal is supposed to go down. To wit (in the immortal words of the Legion's resident ubergenius): "We'll have to implant these Kryptonite capsules in your brains." (!!)

"You can't!" a terrified Superboy shrills. "Kryptonite is deadly to us!" Just on the off chance that The Smartest Fellah In the Whole, Wide Universe had somehow managed to... y'know... forget What Kills a Kryptonian; or the fact that the entire planet was now practically dripping with the tell-tale musk of eau de Kryptonite.

Not to worry, however: Brainiac V calmly details a scheme of his own invention, involving reduction of the aforementioned capsules "to microscopic size," and having them "inserted into a lobar area, where they will only affect your memories." (You know he's actually tested this procedure beforehand, because there a dead monkey in a red cape stretched out on one of the lab tables, in plain sight. So: it's all good.)

Super-diminutive Legionnaire Shrinking Violet -- zipped up in a protective "inner space"-type garment on (apparent) loan from the set of the movie Fantastic Voyage -- is tapped to deliver the poisonous payloads to the proper locations; and we are "treated," in turn, to the wholly unappetizing sight of one of Superboy's nostrils in extreme close-up, as she does so. [See panel reproduction, below... if you really wanna]

(Boyoboyoboy... could I ever turn a few stomachs out there if I used this little storytelling gaucherie as a springboard for a cheap gag or three.)

After successful completion of this once-in-a-lifetime (one hopes and prays) example of elective surgery -- and once a severely traumatized Violet has been hustled, shrieking and blubbering, from the room -- the two soon-to-be- amnesiac Kryptonians are mustered out from the ranks with an appropriately low-key degree of pomp...

... but not before the 20th Century Teens extort a rather odd-ish promise from their fellow Legionnaires. Namely: that the team induct two masked (and hitherto unknown) young crimefighters by the highly unlikely names of (waaaaiiit for it) "Sir Prize" and "Miss Terious," to serve as their replacements.

Ohhhh... what the heck (you can almost hear Invisible Kid thinking to himself). So what if this really bizarre request is coming from a pair of alien beings whose higher brain functions are presently being corroded from within by tiny radioactive capsules? They're still (nominally) Legionnaires, aren't they...?

The 30th Century. Things Just... Happpen.

Scant moments after both Boy and Babe of Steel are time-whisked away back to their proper places in the chronal continuum... the assembled adolescent adventurers are greeted by the sight of two perfectly ridiculous-looking armored figures, out on their front doorstep.

"I am Sir Prize," the bulkier of the two solemnly intones.

"... and I am Miss Terious," the smaller, cinch-waisted one adds, helpfully.

There will now be a brief intermission, while any of you wishing to do so may help yourselves to the grape Kool-Aid the ushers are passing out at the end of each row. (It's an old family recipe; one of my great-uncles on my mother's side was a minister of some sort.)

Meanwhile: we cut to (the accompanying caption informs us) "... the dark, sunless world which bears the name of the ancient Greek netherworld -- Tartarus!" Ridiculed and pitied galaxy-wide (one can only assume) for the sheer, staggering ineptitude of its local Department of Tourism.

"This small planet is a hideout for criminals of many worlds -- ruled by an evil genius named Prince Evillo!"

(No, no: by all means... have a second cup, if you like. I've got, like, forty or fifty gallon drums of the stuff out back, just sitting there...)

"Prince Evillo" (ye cats...) -- looking both naughty and natty in a cape-and-spandex number which all but screams "I Am a Close, Personal Friend of Renowned Film Choreographer Hermes Pan" -- stares, unblinking, into the guttering flame of a nearby brazier and mutters to himself: "It is time to summon my four top lieutenants! The Devil's Dozen has work to do!"

If the four lame-o's who responded to this particular summons were his "top lieutenants"... then I'd sure as hell hate to lay eyes on the poor bozos who didn't make final cut, promotions-wise.

The first one to scamper in is Hag: a crone on a rocket-powered broomstick. Next up is The Wild Huntsman: half-man, half-My Friend Flicka. Hagar the Horrible's retarded kid brother (i.e., Sugyn) trundles along a moment later; and some smirking, prettyboy twit by the name of (what else?) Apollo completes the addlepated assemblage.

Evillo (a name I may never tire of typing. Evillo. EvilloEvilloEvillo.) instructs his hateful henchmen to go out and embark on separate sprees of wanton looting and rapine. "Apollo," he instructs one (by way of example); "... you will rob the central branch of the Interplanetary Bank! But beware of the monster watchdogs that guard it!"

"With my looks and talent," the Olympian wannabe sneers, "how can I miss?" (Geez... let a guy get on a first name basis with the former lead singer for Wham!, and just watch his ego expand, huh...?)

Apollo (aided and abetted by a non-descript band of Evillo's rank-and- file gophers) hits the aforementioned bank, and -- utilizing his innate ability to "charm" others by means of his lyre -- lulls the monstrous alien "watchdogs" lumbering about there into happy, bemused complacency.

Striding manfully (or whatever) through the main doors, the adenoidal arch-fiend ambles up to the bank's tellers (all of whom -- oddly enough -- appear to be gorgeous, diaphanously-gowned women. Go figure.), and chirrups: "Hello there, ladies! Would you mind giving us all the money in the bank?"

"Golly!" one of them rasps, all a-quiver with ill-concealed lust and wanting. "Look at him! He's a living doll!"

The merest mention of the word "doll," of course, is enough to bring the Legionnaires a-runnin', and a quintet of same (Lightning Lad; Saturn Girl; Colossal Boy; Chameleon Boy; and the relentlessly annoying Sir Prize) soon arrive in response to the bank's carelessly triggered alarms.

The bank's watchbeasts (not knowing that the colorful new arrivals thereabouts are actually there for Good Cause) attack the Legionnaires; leading, in turn, to a bizarre, surrealistic scene in which the shape- changing Chameleon Boy -- after subduing one of the creatures while in the form of a giant spider -- turns towards the reader; winks; and says:

"In case a certain web-headed character thinks I'm stealing his thunder, I'd like to remind him that I was changing to [sic] all sorts of weird shapes long before he walked up his first wall!"

As fascinating a glimpse as this is into the oft-rumored (yet little evidenced) Spider-Man/Chameleon Boy "feud" -- first occasioned (or so fannish rumor has it) by an unfortunate, drunken incident during the previous year's joint Marvel/DC "Christmas party"; after which time a hysterically pleading Curt Swan kept leaving shrill, desperate messages on Steve Ditko's answering machine to the effect of: "It was special. It was magic. CALL ME, damn you!" -- we probably ought to be moseying back in the direction of the story proper, however. Such as it is.

Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl confront Apollo within the bank. The Telepathic Teen engages in silent, implacable mental warfare versus the latter --

(HE: "Don't try to hide your feelings! You're mad about me!" SHE: "I dare not... weaken! But... can't... help myself...!" ME: "There. Is. No. God.")

-- and ends up losing said struggle (!!). Apollo then uses the dazed and confused Saturn Girl as compliant "bait" in a booby trap involving semi-sentient glass turtles, which are used as a form of alien currency, see; and...

... okay. Fine. Fine, then. Don't take my word for it. See for yourselves.

(Can you even imagine attempting to use ambulatory, metal-chomping cash on an everyday basis? Bank vaults would have to be made out of... I dunno... pudding; or old socks, or something. And you probably don't even wanna think about what your wallet would look like. I'm just sayin', is all.)

Having thus rendered the fallen Lightning Lad even less conscious than he normally is, Apollo and Company scamper out the back way, sans cash.

"We acomplished our mission," the scurrying stinker gloats to his fellow henchmen. "To kidnap a Legionnaire!" (Which, incidentally, are also used as hard currency on certain alien planets, I'm given to understand.)

It's a dejected and downhearted foursome of heroes which make their collective way back to Legion headquarters, in order to inform leader Invisible Kid that the team's licensed "Legionnaire Dolly-of-the-Month Club" selection ("Only $79.99, Plus Shipping and Handling! Operators Are Standing By! Call Now!") is no longer 110% accurate, membership-

wise.

Hot-headed powerhouse Ultra Boy wonders aloud to fellow uberteen Mon-El if the two new team rookies ("Sir Prize" and "Miss Terious"; remember them...?) might not be, in actuality, Superboy and Supergirl; their true identities concealed beneath leaden armor, and their sympathies realigned towards evil, thanks to the Kryptonite capsules rotting their cerebral cortexes like so much wet cardboard.

"I know," the irascible adolescent snaps. "I'll find out who Sir Prize is with my Penetra-Vision... it can see through that lead mask!"

"No, Ultra Boy!" Invisible Kid reminds him. "We promised..."

"You promised, Invisible Kid!" the other points out, displaying a marked and regrettable inability to grasp the basic underlying mechanisms of this whole "elected leader"-type thingie. "But I didn't! Out of the way, while I unmask this lead-plated hero, and find out who he really is!" So saying, he trains his super-powerful peepers in Sir Prize's general direction; annnnnnnnnd --
-- we'll pick right up where we left off in our horrified examination of this four-color fewmet... on Page Seven of The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published; comin' right up.

Go ahead. It's worth its weight in glass turtles.

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE ONE

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE TWO

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE THREE

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE FOUR

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE FIVE

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE SEVEN

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE EIGHT

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE NINE

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE TEN

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE ELEVEN

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE TWELVE

"The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published": PAGE THIRTEEN

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