Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
Saturday Morning Memories of Unca
Cheeks' Misspent Youth
(PART ONE)
It wasn't like it is now. That's for danged sure.
Way, waaaaay back in the proverbial day -- before those blamed humorless Action for Children's Television busybodies set to ACTing up on behalf of kids who never asked, and didn't want; and the simple, traditional childhood joy of vegetating in front of the television for hours on end, like so many three-toed sloths, each and every Saturday morning, went the way of the twelve-cent comic book and boxes of QUISP cereal -- cartoons were just...
... well: they were just bloody awesome, is all.
Action cartoons were jam-packed full of high-octane, adrenalized action.
Adventure cartoons actually allowed for the heady prospect of adventure.
You kids today, boy.
No idea.
No idea at all.
Take ROGER RAMJET, for instance.
[Theme Song: "Roger Ramjet and his Eagles,
Fighting for our freeeeeedom!
Fly through in- and outer-space,
[something-something-something]
Roger Ramjet! He's our man!
Hero of our naaaaaaaaation!
For his adventures, just be sure
And stay tuned to this staaaation!"
Roger Ramjet was a lantern-jawed, forthright and cheerfully oblivious Ace Pilot and Professional Good Guy-Type; very nearly as powerful as he was breathtakingly imbecilic, thanks to the energies bestowed upon him by regular ingestion of his fabled (and patented) "Proton Energy Pill."
[Roger Ramjet: "They give me the strength of twenty atom bombs, for the period of twenty seconds!"]
Roger was aided; abetted; and (generally) led by the big, meaty paw by his loyal and intrepid band of pre-adolescent sidekicks: The American Eagle Squadron. [See still reproduction, below]
(From right to left: Yank, Doodle,
Dan and Dee. I keep nothing from you people!
NOTHING -- !) 
The writers for ROGER RAMJET would unfailingly cram each three- or four-minute episode with as many bizarre, dada-esque puns and loopy non sequiturs as the (nominal) plots could possibly stand; with the end result being a cartoon so sharp and snappily paced, it made Jay Ward's (deservedly) immortal ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE seem puny and lowbrow, by way of comparison.
[e.g.: "The Old West! Where men were men! And women were men! And that can get pretty old, after a while! I mean: just look at your grandparents!"]
[e.g. the second: "Hey, kids! This is Roger "Don't-Ever-Let-Me-Catch-
You-Doing-That-Again" Ramjet, saying: If you don't really love the next episode of ME, you'll have to go to bed without your supper! And that means you'll have to find somebody else's supper to go to bed with! And that's Just. Not. Right!"]
This cartoon just plain ol' kicked hinder, Mouseketeers: plain
and simple.
... as did, of course, the far better-known UNDERDOG AND FRIENDS.
(From left to right: Commander McBragg;
Klondike Kat; Tooter Turtle; Tennessee Tuxedo; Underdog;
The Hunter; Odie Cologne; The Go-Go Gophers; and
King Leonardo. You'd really think I'd have better things
to do, most Saturdays, wouldn't you...?)
Everyone knows about Underdog, of course: toiling away, unnoticed, as "the humble and lovable Shoeshine Boy" of a major urban metropolis; gaining fantastic strength and abilities whenever he popped one of his fabulous "Underdog Energy Vitamin Pills" --
[Underdog: "The secret compartment of my ring, I fill
With an Underdog Energy Vitamin Pill!"]
-- and spending what seemed like the overwhelming majority of his spare time rescuing knockout television reporter and girlfriend, Sweet Polly Purebred, from one death-trap or scrape after another, whenever she raised plaintive voice in sing-song, woebegone distress.
[Sweet Polly: "Oh, where, oh, where has my Underdog gone?
Oh, where, oh, where can he beeeeeeeeee -- ?"]
[Underdog (in response): "When Sweet Polly's in trouble,
I am not slow!
It's hip-hip-hip
And AWAAAAAAAAY I go -- !"]
The UNDERDOG AND FRIENDS show also featured several other "secondary" cartoons of particular note...
... such as (f'rinstance) the totally whacked-out and bent THE WORLD OF COMMANDER McBRAGG: the wildly improbable and Baron Munchausen-ish tall tale exploits of smug, self-adoring Commander McBragg, his own bad self.
There was also the KLONDIKE KAT secondary feature: the (somewhat) more "traditional" cat-and-mouse escapades of earnest (albeit dim-witted) Royal Canadian Mountie Klondike Kat and his suave, sophisticated arch-
nemesis: epicurean and gourmet sneak-thief Savoir Faire. [See still reproduction, below]
There wasn't a child of the era, rest assured, who couldn't -- upon demand, mind-- phonetically reproduce the mocking, faux French warble of said rodent recidivist, whenever he managed to hoodwink; bamboozle; or just plain swindle his red-jacketed and perpetually apoplectic foeman:
[Savoir Faire: "Savoir Faire
Ees ev'rywheeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrre -- !"]
Best bestest of all, however -- at least, insofar as this (then-)apple-
cheeked cherub was (and still is) concerned -- was the legendary, so-
twisted-it-all-but-beggars-human-description feature, TOOTER TURTLE.
Young (and hopelessly naive) Tooter Turtle -- so mind-bogglingly bone-headed and inept, he even made Dan Quayle look like Brainiac 5 -- would regularly pester his patient-to-a-fault friend, Mr. Wizard, to magick him into one ill-considered high-risk career situation after another...
[e.g.: "Oh, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssse, Mr. Wizard! I just know that a professional Yeti-hunter is what I really, REALLY want to be! PLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSE -- !"]
... and, without fail: a scant three or four minutes into the grimy, hazardous reality of his latest idiot idee fixe... the terrified little terrapin would end up shrieking his freakin' lungs out for his sorcerous friend and mentor to haul his undeserving shell out of the situational fire.
[e.g.: "Oh, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssse, Mr. Wizard! I don't wanna be a transvestite SWAT team leader anymore! Get me OUTTA here, Mr. Wizard! PLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSE -- !"]
Each episode would end with poor, brain-dead Tooter returning to the Here and the Now, amidst a concentric swirl of magickal-type stuff; with the reassuring drone of Mr. Wizard's voice bemusedly intoning:
[Mr. Wizard: "Dreezle, Drazzle, Druzzle, Drone;
Time for this one to come home!"
Simply marvelous, really.
Another fond memory, cartoon-wise, is that of animation's goofy, breakneck homage to films such as THE GREAT RACE and THE GREAT GUMBALL RALLY: Hanna-Barbera's THE WACKY RACES.
Week in and week out, ten highly improbably race cars (piloted by ten even more wildly improbable drivers) would battle it out for Total Automotive Asphalt Supremacy.
And jungle supremacy.
And DESERT supremacy.
AND oceanic; stratospheric; and OUTER SPACE supremacy.
There were eleven regular combatants, altogether:
*** The Boulder Mobile (a crude, wobbling granite vehicle, piloted by a pair of inarticulate cavemen named Rock and Gravel);
*** The Creepy Coupe (a literal haunted-house-on-wheels, driven by the husband-and-wife team of The Gruesome Twosome);
*** The Convert-A-Coupe (an amorphous wheeled-and-winged thingamabobbie, invented by Professor Pat Pending)[see above];
*** The Crimson Haybailer (a combination car and Sopwith Camel; The Red Max, driver/pilot);
*** The Compact Pussycat (sexy, low-slung vehicle of choice for the drop-dead gorgeous Penelope Pitstop; and Unca Cheeks' personal favorite)[see below];
*** The Army Surplus Special (a souped-up tank, commandeered by the hoarse-voiced Sergeant Blast and sniveling Private Meekly);
*** The Bullet Proof Bomb (a growling, armored sedan; set loose upon an unsuspecting humanity by the diminutive -- but very nattily dressed -- mobster gang, The Ant Hill Mob>);
*** The Arkansas Chugabug (a dilapidated "shanty"-mobile, of sorts; Lazy Luke and Blubber Bear, drivers);
*** The Buzz Wagon (an ambulatory saw mill, piloted by Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth);
*** The PerfectMobile (a super-charged, turbo-engined muthah of a race car, guided by the dashing, honest and hopelessly self-adoring Peter Perfect);
*** ... annnnnnnnnnd: the two regular villains of said petrol-
propelled parody -- the loathsome and black-hearted Dick Dastardly, and his sleazy, sniggering hound, Muttley; wreaking untold havoc and misery upon every other contestant by means of their own malefic Mean Machine. [see below]
This cartoon -- Unca Cheeks readily confesses it -- ddidn't have a thought in its purty li'l haid, ultimately.
Carnage. Crashes. Multi-vehicle crack-ups.
That's it.
That's ALL.
My God, but it was wonderful.
As long as we've managed to segue our way, seamlessly, into the joyous, garish funworld of Doctor Hanna and Mister Barbera: it simply wouldn't be right, really, not to mention FRANKENSTEIN, JR. AND THE IMPOSSIBLES.
No. Seriously.
The towering, thunder-lunged Frankenstein, Jr. -- several hundred feet tall, and (literally) crackling with Power Unimaginable; "Frankie" to his friends and confidantes -- was the oddly benevolent creation of Professor Conroy and his similarly scientifically-inclined pre-teen son, Buzz Conroy.
The constantly adventure-seeking "Buzz" was always on the eagle-eyed lookout for maniacal, would-be world conquerors; visiting alien despots; and crazed, laboratory-bred creatures gone runamuck; the better for him to find yet another excuse to clamber atop Frankie's shoulder and yodel a lusty: "Frankie! AlakaZOOOOOOM -- !" preparatory to the confronting and stomping of same.
Buzz possessed a cunningly-devised ring, which -- once
the complicated electronic micro-circuitry within same was activated -- could
summon his great, plate-metal playmate from pretty much anywhere, really;
meaning that this was one kid who (I'll betcha; betcha a dollar)
never lost much sleep fretting over how to stay decently out of the malevolent
way of the classroom bully.
The Impossibles, on the other hand, were a trio of rock musicians...
... who just happened, mind, to be super-heroes, as well.
(Look. Don't laugh, all right? We both bloody know
you'd buy it in a heartbeat, if Grant Morrison had come up with
it.)
Our Heroes Three were as follows (from left to right, above):
*** Coil Man: the rotund, spring-loaded super-doer; whose limbs were the (semi-)human equivalent of mile-long Slinkys (tm);
*** Multi-Man: the lanky and laconic "leader" off the team: wielding an indestructible shield, and capable of "splitting" himself into a virtual army of similarly capable dopplegangers;
*** Fluid Man: the sarcastic, "snappy patter"-loving Impossible; possessing the truly... ahhhhhhh... unique ability to transform himself into a puddle, or transport himself from Point "A" to Point "B" by means of plumbing and/or faucet.
Obviously, any "adventures" featuring these guys would have to be (and, in fact, were) played as much for yuks as anything else (making them a nice "counterpoint," of sorts, to the more breathless, action-
oriented Frankenstein, Jr. offerings bracketing them on either end, really).
Still: they were breezy, well-crafted romps, overall; and should be regarded and remembered on those grounds, if naught else.
Finally (for this page, I mean; we'll be covering a great many other characters, in the course of future entries): there was the one...
... the ONLY...
SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSST!!!
His origin and motivations shrouded in perpetual mystery, the self-
appointed "Ghostly Guardian of the Spaceways" patroled the vast non-
places between the stars in his sleek and ominous ship, The Phantom Cruiser; accompanied by brother-and-sister sidekicks Jan and Jace (as well as -- inexplicably -- a similarly masked monkey, by the name of Blip); and whomping alien butt by means of his ubiquitous "Power Bands," which were capable of emitting shattering, concussive blasts of heat; cold; sound; or raw, naked force.)
Space Ghost shared his appointed half-hour with the far less interesting Dino Boy: the youthful, tow-headed sole survivor of a plane crash somewhere in deepest, darkest equatorial Africa, who hooks up with a dim (but kind-hearted), pre-verbal caveman whom the freckled lad promptly christens Ughh, for no particularly lucid or compelling reason.
It was the big, somber, basso-voiced goombah in the white tights, in other words, who was the star (and selling point) of this hereshow.
The pacing of your average episode of SPACE GHOST was unfailingly headlong and frantic; with events and plot points tumbling over one another in almost puppy-like eagerness to make their presence known, and then scamper out of the way of the next one, right behind.
The SPACE GHOST cartoons also boasted some of the cleverest and most charismatic villains of any Saturday morning animated cartoon, ever; with the crazed, flesh-hating Metalus; sallow and scheming crone, Taranta Pod; greedy, feral Brak; and a horde of others providing a regular (and welcome) "rogues gallery" for the cleft-chinned and barrel-
chested Friend of Hapless Space Travelers, Everywhere.
For those unfortunates, amongst you, who only know this classic adventure character through his modern-day "talk show" spoof incarnation...
... well: you've missed out, kiddies.
Big, Big, BIG time.
Be here next time out, fellow cartoon fanciers and animation buffs.
We'll be looking at Birdman; The Galaxy Trio; The Herculoids; Jonny Quest; The Land of the Lost; Spy Shadow; and (believe it or don't) Super President, among others.
Dreezle, drazzle, druzzle, drone.
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