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| Utterly UselessTop Tips! |
| RATS. Improve your image by attaching a brush to your arse and pretending to be a squirrel. |
| FOOL people into thinking you are an octupus by drinking several litres of ink and farting every time somebody startles you. |
| MEN. Make people think you are a good lover by cutting scratches into your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach. |
| GUYS. Save wasted trips to the swimming baths by ringing them up to ask if there is any bikini-clad talent in the pool before you set off. |
| BRALESS feminists. Support your sagging breasts by pretending you have a brocken arm and wearing a sling. Simply shorten the sling until your tits reach a socially acceptable level. |
| SMOKERS. Save money by rolling up the net curtains in any good pub and lighting the end. Hey Presto! A fag worth about 20 years worth of smoke in one go. |
| CONVINCE your friends and neighbours you are a heavy smoker by colouring your fingertips with yellow marker pen. |
| TRAINLINE telephone employees. Retain an edge of mystery by never giving accurate information. |
| UGLY birds. Become more attractive by moving south. |
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