"Good Looks"
A blind man and his guide dog go into a shop they've found.
He grabs the guide dog by the tail and swings it round and round.
The manager is horrified ,says, "Dont you think that's crook?"
The blind man says" Not really, I just came to have a look.
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"Half & Half"
A breeder crossed a Pit-Bull with a faithful St.Bernard
and then he kept the offspring on a leash in his backyard.
One day the savage part attacked the breeder with a yelp
and then the other part went out & tried to get some help.
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"Checkmate"
My neighbour has a Collie dog, together they play chess
and it is quite a novel sight i really must confess.
I said "Now that must be the smartest dog alive"
His owner said "No, 'cos i beat him 3 games out of 5."
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"ANT icipation"
The ants & Elephants were playing soccer ten a side
an elephant stood on one ant and spread him far & wide.
The monkey Ref said "That's disgraceful, you deserve a whipping."
The elephant said "Sorry! I was only trying to trip him."
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" 'armless"
A carpet snake goes to a pub and orders up a beer
The Landlord says "I'm sorry but i cannot serve you here".
" What's this? says the snake", I know I have the right to choose".
" It's not that, "says the landlord, "But you just can't hold your booze".
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"Totally"
An elephant was drinking and then he did espy
an old and wrinkled turtle that was slowly passing by.
The elephant became enraged. He squished the turtle too
and when the dust had settled there was only turtle stew.
The monkey said "What made you cross and why did you act so?."
The Elephant replied "It happened 15 years ago,
I'd gone into the mud pool just to give myself a dunk
and then that lousy turtle floated by & bit my trunk".
"Thats quite a mighty memory that you've got " the monkey sighed.
" Yes, I've got 'Turtle Recall', said the elephant with pride.
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"Dog & cat"
Cats know just exactly how we feel when we're at home
but "Frankly, they dont give a damn" so you are on your own.
Dogs are man's best friend they think we're absolutely great
especially when we're standing there with dinner on a plate.
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"Tweet Tweet"
You cant get "Chirpees" from a bird (thats just a load of bull)
It's a "Canarial Disease" and is untweetable .
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"Bundgie"
A drunk jumps off a cliff , 4 budgerigars in either hand
and plummets to the rocks below - an awful way to land.
The medics reach him just in time to catch his final words
"Sheesh, This " Budgie- Jumping " is strictly for the birds."
The other drunk (his mate) has cockatoos, their in a sack.
He gathers them together & then straps them on his back.
Then he dives from off the cliff & crashes in the sea
Then says "This "Parrot Gliding" is not the thing for me."
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"coleslaw"
If you are a gourmet cook then here's some good advice
Cole's Law states that cabbage must be always thinly sliced .
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" AUM "
A buddhist Hot -dog Vendor has a temple by a spring,
it has a sign that says "I'll make you one with everything".
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"Howdy"
A Cowboy walks into a bar completly wrapped in paper
2 cops come to arrest him saying he has pulled a caper.
The bar flys say "Whats going on?, he didn't do a thing"
The landlord then replies " I heard the charge was "Rustleing"
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" Polly filler"
I sent my Gran a Parrot, thought she'd like a Xmas gift,
as she had been depressed I hoped her spirits then might lift.
After several days went by and still I hadn't heard
I sent her off an e-mail saying "Gran,how was the bird?"
She's now a bit forgetful, but at last I got a note
I have it here, from the old dear, and this is what she wrote
"Delicious"