"The balls in your court"
There is a place called Wimbledon, where many people dream
of watching tennis centre court with strawberries and cream.
At the turnstile is a motto carved above the gate
and it says "They also SERVE who only stand & wait".
This tennis is a game of chance and always will remain
while played out of doors with no allowance for the rain.
In bad weather there's a chance the audience discovers
the ball boy who fell over has been rolled up in the covers.
Monica Seles has now gone on with her life
after a recovery from a fan who had a knife,
while Jalena Dokic is standing there and looking sad
watching court officials as they help eject her dad.
Venus and Sarina always give the game some fire
but all the commentators seem to see is their attire.
Pat Cash, he was our Aussie mate who wore the green & gold
but many players at the time said "Will his shoulder hold?"
John McEnroe just had to go, his language a disgrace
and all his temper tantrums were strictly out of place.
The young seeds seem to come and go they seldom relish fame
and this could be, because you see we can't pronounce their name.
Tennis has a lot of fans who, when put to the test
will reply," Of all the racquets, Tennis is the best."
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Up the mighty Broncos"
We have 3 football codes in Oz they're bigger than the pools
there's Rugby Union, Rugby League and also Aussie rules.
Australian Rules is mainly kicking High & deep & long
but it's derided in the north as "Aerial Ping-pong"
Rugby League's for toughies and they take a keen delight
in punching heads and kicking which sometimes starts a fight
League is mainly tackling and taking part in scrums
and lots of "Play the Ball" until a final victory comes.
Union is like ballet, and when they hear the call
they lift their man into the air so he can catch the ball.
When state of origin is played it's almost like a war
there's no love lost between the States
each year it's "on for sure".
Rugby Union is for toffs who's only aim is glory
Then there's also "Soccer" -but that's another story.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
" Golf nut"
this is fore Doug k
My son-in-law's a sportsman his mates all call him Jim
and he likes playing golf because he says it keeps him trim
He spent a fortune on a set of clubs that he had found
and then he paid somebody else to carry them around
Last week he went out golfing but he couldn't get a break
the last three balls that he attempted, ended in the lake.
My daughter Jan is not impressed 'cos I've heard her declare
"those bloody sand -traps are the place where Jimmy learnt to swear"
Golf is something I can't play, I cannot walk too far
the closest that I get to golf is when they call me pa
Pooch I know just loves it, says it suits her to a tee
the principle is simple, but it don't make sense to me.
You take a little ball, then you perch it on a spike,
and belt it with a piece of wood then "everybody hike"
The only place in golf when I am feeling "under par"
is at the nineteenth hole when I am standing at the bar.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Howzat"
Most aussies love their cricket, but I'm the kind of guy
who doesn't give 2 hoots for it, I'd rather watch paint dry.
When I was younger I would play, but never had much luck
whenever I went in to bat I'd go "out for a duck".
The ball would whistle down the pitch, I'd make a feeble pat
and then the opposition would all bellow out "howzat"
Crickets not for lovers, allow me to explain,
to "Bowl a maiden over" is the object of the game
It's supposed to be genteel, but I recall a time
the Poms were being beaten so they started "Bodyline"
If it hadn't been for Bradman in his baggy old green cap
those lousy so called sportsmen would have wiped us off the map.
With the Aussie team at present, we have got a winner
and every time we play the Poms, they get "done like a dinner".
It's ironic they're the ones who taught us to play cricket
for now in every series they can't seem to take a wicket.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
" Swimmin "
In Oz there's one thing we do well, It's competition swimmin
you skeptics check the medal count of our Olympic women.
It often seems Aquatic scenes are part of aussie life
and swimming is good exercise for every man and wife.
Backyard pools are common, where we risk both life & limb
If thrown in the deep end then we quickly learn to swim.
There's a bloke named LaurieLawrence famous on our shore
who has a training program for tots as young as four.
Swimming's done when were quite young,
and one thing that we've learnt
is using white zinc ointment so our noses don't get burnt.
Kierin Perkins was our best, and now we have his mate
Ian Thorpe we call "Thorpedo", and each foot is like a plate.
World competition is still fierce, but we just love to brag
when we look up & see 3 versions of our aussie flag.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Sock Her"
Now Soccer doesn't turn me on, I think that that's because
it's really not as popular as football here in oz.
But overseas the fans go mad, they riot in the town
then head out to the stadiums and try to tear them down.
The soccer ball is always round and sometimes it is white
which makes it easier to see if they should play at night.
The rules say you can't use your hands or else you'll get a card
but apart from that it seems, to me there's "no holds barred".
Red cards are not too popular, the Yellow's not as bad
you're likely to see either if your playing like a cad.
The method seems to me to be "The ball you try to strip"
then ask your opposition "Did you enjoy your trip?"
If this game gets more acclaim a motto it could use,
and good old "Sock it to me" is the one that I would choose
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
" a Bettor life"
Now racing's called the sport of kings and i suppose thats true
and even Queen Elizabeth likes racing horses too.
The spectacle of these majestic animals in flight
and multi coloured jockey's silks are such a thrilling sight.
In Oz we have the Melbourne cup, a classic of renown
and on one tuesday annually, Australia closes down.
The fillies are a sight to see the frillys can surprise and
you'll see hats on women where you wont believe your eyes.
Then add to this the ladies with new fashions others see
I guess that there is nowhere else that you would rather be.
No doubt you've heard about the older lady at the track
who, in her bloomers, heard the frayed elastic start to crack
She gingerly was tottering and trying not to cough
then Screamed and Fainted when the starter bellowed out
"THERE OFF "
There's the risk of gambling where fortunes can diminish
when you are beaten by a nose and curse the photo finish
When the end of day has come with all your money blown
You'll have to try and thumb a lift or start out walking home.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Biffo"
Mike Tyson is a pugalist that all the boxers fear
and has a reputation for chewing off your ear
His answer to a question about his last attack
"I didn't fight da bum too long, I had a broken back"
Golden gloves is not the type of programme that I seek,
the thought of fisticuffs and 'moi' can leave me rather weak.
It's anti my religion, for violence I abhor
I think "Devout coward " is the term I'm looking for.
The words like TKO confuse,and theres another thing
The square of canvas where they fight is always called "The Ring."
I'd much prefer to wrestle with noun and verb and vowel,
I find that's more appropriate than "Throwing in the towel"
I'd rather fight with cliches and other mal apropes
than suffer all those sundry blows while hanging off the ropes.
I know I'll be contented if I stay upon this track
I clearly see, that this will be, because my eyes aren't black.
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Re- Cycle"
Now cycling's a form of sport that many people prize
as more superior than other types of exercise.
Triatholons a case in point, for when the day is done,
after all that peddling you also swim and run.
More physical endurance is the goal for you and me,
otherwise why would we use up all that energy.
We started with velocipedes you pushed them while astride
then came the Penny Farthing which was difficult to ride.
Another great improvement that was hailed around the nation
was Pneumatic Tyres that required air inflation.
The use of messengers on bikes has reached a crucial stage,
the way they ride in traffic exacerbates Road Rage .
In city traffic cyclists must excercise great care
because of all the vehicles that now are everywhere.
Last year we lost three cyclists, one was an aussie star,
because they had an accident with someone in a car.
Our local council has installed bike trails in every park,
and familys now can hire bikes and ride from dawn to dark
A Council ordinance informs a helmet is a must,
with knee pads optional in case you end up in the dust.
So these are all the safety tips protecting you and me.
I tell you mate, a bike is great, test try one and you'll see
= = = = = S P O R T S = = = = =
"Vroom Vroom"
Australia's Grand Prix has arrived "Ferrari red" is back
and many aussie petrol heads are heading for the track.
It only lasts 3 days and then it's over in a flash
and by that time the tourists all are running out of cash.
So many feel "The need for speed", that all the stands are booked
the heat is so intense that all the tyres will be cooked.
Make sure you have your ear-plugs in, for when those engines shriek
you wont be hearing much at all until you end the week.
The lights go green, the engines scream, its on for young and old
this time it's International, so theres not much Green & Gold.
The cars whizz by while you and I just wonder "who is who"?.
thank god for commentators for we havent got a clue.
It's Formula 1 this time and there's a change to many rules.
We hope there are no accidents, but there's the usual ghouls.
The big boys have their toys the ladies have their adulation
and we have representatives from almost every nation.
The race has lost it's pace and people wear a vacant stare
and then all h*ll breaks loose and bits of car go everywhere.
The marshalls dash into the crash and foam they start to spray
meanwhile the driver just gets out & calmly walks away.
If you or I fell off a chair we'd possibly have died
They hit 200 miles an hour, Yet they still survive
It's surely a spectator sport, I know you will agree,
So let me say "Hip hip Hoooray" for aussie lands "Grand Prix"