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"Doggone (off)"
A man goes to a funeral home
where mourners stand & stare
and they are somewhat startled
when they hear him then declare
My Ma-in-law has passed away in circumstances dire.
My Doberman attacked her and it caused her to expire
Another mourner says "Well now, before you have to go
I'd like to hire out your dog for just a day or so.
The owner says"I'm sorry ,but I'll tell you what I'll do
I'll take your name but i'm afraid
you'll have to join the queue "
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"Go for broke"
There's a broker that I know I think his name is Mal
He went to see my doctor 'cos he wasn't feeling well
When vital signs were noted,
he said "Doc what should I do.
if my temperature goes up another point or two?"
The doctor pondered this awhile
then his response was "Well.
if it's up by more than 2 points, I suggest you sell
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"Wheather"
Husband sits in living room & starts to read a book
suddenly the telephone starts ringing off the hook
"Ask the weather center for I don't have a clue "
he says & slams the phone down
and then his wife says"Who
was on the line.? her husband says
" Well i'm not sure my dear, a fisherman i think
who asked me if the coast is clear ."
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"Wrong number"
Doctor answers phone
& then shouts out "Emergency"
a man just said that he'd be dead
if he could not see me
his wife replies "Just settle down
now everything is fine,
You weren't suppose to answer dear
because that call was mine".
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"Surprise"
My sister rang & said
"A marvellous adventure calls"
that's her way of telling me
"stop staring at the walls."
I climbed into her car and
i still didn't have a clue,
'cos she'd neglected to inform me
what she meant to do.
She stopped outside my daughter's garage
Then the door did rise,
and there were 20 family members
yelling out "Suprise".
Now this was on a Sunday and I forgot you see
that in a further 3 days I'd be turning seventy.
My brother Bob helped me alight
and suddenly I knew
He'd shaved his head & so I said
"I've got more hair than you'.
The littlies all gave me hugs
I couldn't get a kiss,
and I could hear them thinking
Gee! I'll give the beard a miss.
The food was great , I overate
but i just didn't care.
even when 2 nephews
had to pull me from the chair.
My son -in-law said "Sorry,
there's no candles on your cake
but that's a fire hazard
that we weren't prepared to take.
though it was great, my birthday wish
a secret will remain,
" That in a year, I'll still be here, to do it all again".
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"Good advice"
Here's some words of wisdom
that I garnered from a Sage,
and they have stood me in good stead
no matter what my age
"Uninvited, never state
now this you have to do
you only pass on good advice
when it is asked of you.
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"Pollie folly"
When the parlimentary member took his seat
they said "Hey Mac,
the police have got their eye on you
they'll make you bring it back."
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"Sea sick"
I went into a singles bar. A girl came up to me
We had a drink then she said
You remind me of the sea.
I said "Because I'm reckless, wild,
Footloose & fancy free?"
"No, because you make me sick."
is what she said to me.
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"Barred"
Hamlet was a writer who said,apparently
"What grade of pencil should I use 2B or not 2B."
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"Who"
At marriage guidance council
a woman makes this claim
"It says here I dont pay attention
to old whats-his-name"
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"Memo"
The office Romeo's a flirt who has a lot to learn,
He's sending out love notes that say
"To whom it may concern"
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" Would I lie"
How can you tell if some girls lie?
I've proved this to be true
You look them in the eye
and see if they are talking too.
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"Clothes horse"
If you see a well dressed man
It's likely i suppose,
The woman that he's married to
is picking out his clothes
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"Workmen"
If man is so superior and really not a jerk,
why do so many road signs say
"Danger- Men at work"
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"Birdcall "
The reason men call women birds?
There really is no trick
Its just because of all the worms
The women tend to pick.
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"First slight"
Men like love at first sight,
They dont need a pick up line.
Another thing they like is that
it saves them so much time.
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"Youth"
As a senior i believe
when all is said & done.
That it is quite ironic
"Youth is wasted on the young"
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"Workout"
Now i am a senior it comes as no surprise
that jumping to conclusions is my only exercise.
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" Hit show "
When T.V.Times is printed
I think it's sad to see
The hit show on a Friday
is Assault & Battery.
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"Home alone"
I am growing older so no longer do I roam
now my favourite rental
is the movie "Home Alone".
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"Lost Hope"
My accountant made deductions earlier this year
but we all know taxation matters never are quite clear
the IRS have knocked me back they didn't give a toss,
when I claimed that my daughters wedding
was a total loss.
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"Clean Sweep"
My neighbour comes in once a week
and cleans my house for me
and she does quite a thorough job
as anyone can see.
I dont like to hear her struggling
with mop & broom, so turn the T V volume up
when she is in the room.
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"She had to go"
15 years ago today i lost my Ma-in- Law
and thats a poker game i will remember
that's for sure.
I used her as collateral to make the kitty swell,
then folded with four aces
and it really worked out well.
Poems Printed with permission of author