| Anubis | Points: 35 |
| 1: | W. Mark Felt | 93 |
| 2: | Phyllis Diller | 90 |
| 3: | Lena Horne | 90 |
| 4: | Ernest Borgnine | 90 |
| 5: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 6: | Abe Vigoda | 86 |
| 7: | Marty Allen | 85 |
| 8: | Jesse Helms | 85 |
| 9: | Jack Klugman | 85 |
| 10: | Deborah Kerr | 85 |
| 11: | Robert Mugabe | 83 |
| 12: | Pete Pihos | 83 |
| 13: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 14: | Art Donovan | 82 |
| 15: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 81 |
| 16: | Al Davis | 78 |
| 17: | Louis Farrakhan | 74 |
| 18: | Marion Barry | 71 |
| 19: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 20: | Charlie Watts | 66 |
| 21: | Stephen Hawking | 65 |
| 22: | Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] | 65 |
| 23: | Rene Preval | 64 |
| 24: | Teri Garr | 57 |
| 25: | Dan Fogelberg | 56 |
 | Tammy Faye Bakker Messner | 65 |
|
| Divot Fillers | Points: 11 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | Eli Wallach | 91 |
| 3: | William W. Scranton | 90 |
| 4: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 90 |
| 5: | Dino de Laurentiis | 88 |
| 6: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 7: | Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn | 88 |
| 8: | Suharto | 86 |
| 9: | Mickey Rooney [Joe Yule Jr.] | 86 |
| 10: | Jake La Motta | 85 |
| 11: | Patrick Moore | 84 |
| 12: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 81 |
| 13: | George Melly | 80 |
| 14: | Bo Diddley [Ellas McDaniels] | 78 |
| 15: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 16: | Pat Summerall | 77 |
| 17: | Rip [Elmore] Torn | 76 |
| 18: | Ingemar Johansson | 74 |
| 19: | Ronnie Hawkins | 72 |
| 20: | John Brodie | 72 |
| 21: | Yves St. Laurent [Henry Mathieu] | 71 |
| 22: | Phil Lesh [Chapman] | 67 |
| 23: | Roger Ebert | 65 |
| 24: | Annette Funicello | 64 |
| 25: | Severiano Ballesteros | 50 |
| Ingmar Bergman | 89 |
|
| Donkey of the Apocalypse | Points: 71 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | W. Mark Felt | 93 |
| 3: | Zsa Zsa [Sari] Gabor | 91 |
| 4: | Ernest Borgnine | 90 |
| 5: | Joey Bishop [Gottlieb] | 89 |
| 6: | Betty Ford | 89 |
| 7: | J.D. [Jerome David] Salinger | 88 |
| 8: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 9: | Helen Gurley Brown | 85 |
| 10: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 11: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 81 |
| 12: | B.B. King | 81 |
| 13: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 14: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 15: | Suzanne Pleshette | 70 |
| 16: | Omar Abdel Rahman | 69 |
| 17: | Jim Otto | 69 |
| 18: | Stephen Hawking | 65 |
| 19: | Sarah Brady | 65 |
| 20: | Bobby Murcer | 61 |
| 21: | Farrah Fawcett | 60 |
| 22: | Elizabeth Edwards | 58 |
| 23: | Dan Fogelberg | 56 |
| 24: | John Glover Roberts Jr. | 52 |
| 25: | Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah | 46 |
| Phil Rizzuto | 89 |
| Bill Walsh | 75 |
| Tammy Faye Bakker Messner | 65 |
|
| Dust | Points: 109 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | VACANT | |
| 3: | John Forsythe [Freund] | 89 |
| 4: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 5: | Jonathan Winters | 81 |
| 6: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 81 |
| 7: | Jack Kevorkian | 79 |
| 8: | Eartha Kitt | 79 |
| 9: | Burt Bacharach | 78 |
| 10: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 11: | George Steinbrenner | 77 |
| 12: | Elizabeth Taylor | 75 |
| 13: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 14: | Suzanne Pleshette | 70 |
| 15: | Evel Knievel [Robert Craig] | 68 |
| 16: | Kim Jong-il | 66 |
| 17: | Stephen Hawking | 65 |
| 18: | Roger Ebert | 65 |
| 19: | Pervez Musharraf | 64 |
| 20: | Annette Funicello | 64 |
| 21: | Farrah Fawcett | 60 |
| 22: | Elizabeth Edwards | 58 |
| 23: | Robert Anthony "Tony" Snow | 52 |
| 24: | Darryl Strawberry | 45 |
| 25: | Terrell Owens | 33 |
| Phil Rizzuto | 89 |
| Merv Griffin | 82 |
| Drop: | Peter G. Angelos | 78 |
| Tammy Faye Bakker Messner | 65 |
| Jerry Hadley | 55 |
|
| Sir Tomb Ruin | Points: 0 |
| 1: | John Wooden | 96 |
| 2: | Karl Malden [Mladen Sekulovich] | 94 |
| 3: | Zsa Zsa [Sari] Gabor | 91 |
| 4: | Walter Cronkite | 90 |
| 5: | Ernest Borgnine | 90 |
| 6: | Arthur C. Clarke | 89 |
| 7: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 8: | John Glenn | 86 |
| 9: | Jake La Motta | 85 |
| 10: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 11: | Andy Griffith | 81 |
| 12: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 13: | Pat Summerall | 77 |
| 14: | Mikhail Gorbachev | 76 |
| 15: | Richard Chamberlain | 72 |
| 16: | Marion Barry | 71 |
| 17: | Richard Kiel | 67 |
| 18: | Richard B. Cheney | 66 |
| 19: | Stephen Hawking | 65 |
| 20: | Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] | 65 |
| 21: | Ozzy Osbourne | 58 |
| 22: | Usama bin Laden | 50 |
| 23: | William "The Refrigerator" Perry | 44 |
| 24: | Tom Green | 36 |
| 25: | Paris Hilton | 26 |
|
